SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At least you didn't drop $1500 for travel hockey league fees like I did, so XW could be part of the local hockey elite parent social circles. Man, did I suffer some serious BS fog back then...

Been a couple of days so wanted to post a quick update. This past Saturday (May 30) was about as shitty as I expected - my 18th wedding anniversary. I got through the afternoon OK because I had plans to take the kids to a zoo and local museum. We had fun, and other than wishing WW could be part of it at times, I felt pretty good. But got home around 6pm and no plans the rest of the night. Tried tracking down some friends or family but everyone was busy, so pretty much home with the kids all night. Fortunately, my good buddy FormerArmyGuy texted back and forth for a couple of hours and got me through it. Never heard from WW all day, she never mentioned the date and neither did I. Not really much either one of us could say I suppose. I know that she spent the night out of town with her sisters and actually stayed the night with them. I know it shouldn't matter, but I was happy at least that she was with family and not OM, especially for the overnight part of it.

Today I hear from her that she wants to stop by and pick up some of our old dog stuff, like collar, leash, etc. Her and OM just got a new puppy. I was like, whatever. May as well take it since I won't be using it. They keep rushing along the relationship like a speeding train. Move in together after a few weeks, shared checking account shortly after that, now a puppy. It screams REBOUND but I'm done worrying about when or if it will end. I've finally reached a point where I can see WW face to face and it doesn't bother me when she leaves, so that has made things easier in terms of picking up kids, etc. She's coming to get rest of her things out of the house later this week and while I had initially planned to be gone, now I think I'll just stick around and monitor what goes out the door.

So we're actually getting along fine overall and it seems to me like a lot of her stress is gone as well, which should make the pending divorce filing and custody discussions go a lot smoother. I'm still having rough days here and there but thankfully no more holidays for a while, as those seem to be the worst. So still forging ahead and waiting for the day to come where WW doesn't pop into my thoughts a few hundred times.

You're sounding like you're doing better than you think that you are. Honestly. Stay strong, brother, you're coming out sane and healthier and she's getting deeper into the crazy.

I agree, it seems like you're doing reasonably well!

I'd suggest you invite a friend over to be present when she comes to take the last of her stuff, just in case.

Best wishes

Well, the hits just keep on coming. Found out yesterday that I'm getting laid off from my employer of 15 years. Results of down sizing. I'm sure it didn't help that my work performance has sucked for most of the past few weeks due to being obsessed over my personal life, even though I was upfront with my manager in the beginning about what was going on. Only good news is that I do get a severance package so will have around 12 weeks of pay, which should be enough time to find something else.

Told WW right away and she was actually very cool about it. She's going to try and pick up extra hours at her own job and said don't worry about helping her financially until I get something else going. Of course, this means yet another delay in filing for D. I had spoken to my attorney and he was ready to proceed and even take payments but I don't want to commit to a payment I may not be able to make soon. I'm going to take a couple of weeks to just relax and brush up my resume, then start searching. Hopefully something pops up before too long.

Prayers appreciated at this point. My life has been demolished in every way possible. Feel like it's 2 steps back with every step forward. There has to be a rainbow somewhere at the end of this storm, right?

I am very sorry for the situation you are in.

What defines you is fast you stand up from taking a punch, and you've gotten fucking pummeled.

Be a Rocky man, you can do this.

prayers and Mojo sent brother

Ugh! Hurtin, so sorry to hear about your job! Dang. Well, new starts all around could be good in the end. You'll need strength and courage my friend. What doesn't kill us...

Feel free to IM me if you think I could help you network for a new job.

Bro-hugs, man! Things will bounce back, just don't give up!

Quick update. Not feeling too bad about the job situation. Honestly, was not liking what I was doing very much lately. I'll have like 3 months severance so gonna relax a little and start searching for something new in 2 or 3 weeks.

Still going through rough patches emotionally. Stumbled across some old vacation pics on my laptop, totally by accident. Me, WW and kids, all having a great time and smiles. Most from few years ago, at Disney in Florida. Was really a wonderful trip. Of course, now I'm practically in tears. I don't want to let go of those good memories. How do you move on and keep the good stuff, while letting go of the bad stuff?

First, sorry to hear about the job situation. Hopefully, you'll get a good lead soon.

As for the past memories, I just put that aside for the time being. Then I decided to make new memories with just me and my kids and take pics of them, relish them for the time being until I was fully detached from the XW. Now, with the pics I do have of past family stuff I look back at them fondly, but with the XW in them I just feel sorry for her for what she threw away. She still has not grasped the loss in full, but I see the regret in her expressions. It sways back and forth between regret and resentment, depending if she thinks she's getting her way or not regarding kids.

This now reminds me that I need to ask XW for copies of digital pics she has from her scrapbook archives. Need to fill some frames in my new house.

I guess you treat it all like a death.

Remember the good times, they were real.

Feel sad for the passing and get on with the rest of your life.

((( )))

Thanks JDuff. That's a good attitude and good idea regarding new pics. I have been doing some of that but of course no big trips lately. Just hard to wrap my head around the fact that we'll never experience that kind of thing as a group again. It is very sad and I know my WW will eventually regret things too, but not sure what I do other than keep going forward. Just curious, do you and your XW have a good working relationship? I have been getting along with WW lately and feel that we are going to be able to at least be casual friends, maybe even have dinner once in a while as a family. Of course it won't be the same, but I want the kids, especially the younger ones, to have at least a few positive memories of mom and dad together.

Things are amicable between XW and I, for now. She's trying to get me to agree on another season of select level hockey for my DS11. He hasn't been doing well in school the past two years due to the time and commitment of the sport and of course dealing with the D. He's gotten better with accepting his new reality now, but the grades haven't picked up. We have special Ed counselors involved to help with his studying and focus (he's ADHD) and I've been putting my foot down on extra curricular activities to address the learning issues but XW lives vicariously through DS11's youth hockey career and seems to put education as second priority, and get this - she's an elementary teacher at his school!

Other than that, it is pretty much civil and the chats only specific to the kids and finances. She's been friendly so far to my fiance and her family, but I have to watch for any attempts at manipulation. My fiance is aware of such behavior also so she is prepared.

My boys have really warmed up to my fiance, her son, and her parents. Just this past Sunday we all grilled burgers and corn and ate together as a big family and had a great evening. My boys really enjoyed it. They feel things are normal again given the stability my fiance and I helped provide all three boys together. I credit my fiance with a lot of the work at our home. She doesn't hesitate to jump in and help them out on activities and around the house while not making it seem like she is my boys replacement mom, and they don't feel threatened by her involvement.

Honestly I don't think I myself can be friends with XW. I've lost a huge amount of respect for her plus the more friendly anyone gets with her the more manipulative she gets. I've seen this first hand with her friends. She still acts like a 20 something so I'm leaning on the theory she is jumping in and out of midlife crisis at this stage. But it no longer affects me now. I've got a new life, a soon to be new wife, a stable home where my boys can retreat to if the XW gets her crazy back on again.

JDuff, thanks for sharing. I LOVE hearing stories of people successfully moving on and finding another true love to be happy with after going through something like this. I'm hoping to get there myself one day but made a decision to hold off on even trying to date until the D was final. Just didn't figure it was fair to anyone as I'm not sure I could give it fair try yet. I honestly don't understand how all these WS jump right into an A while still married to someone they supposedly love. I could just never do it.

I haven't see a lot of the crazy out of my own WW lately. Since we had a couple of big talks on the pending D and custody, she's calmed down a lot. I think I finally have her convinced that I'm not plotting some giant scheme to make sure she never sees her kids again, and overall things have been better for everyone. She's spending more time with the kids and seems more relaxed around them and me.

She's also been very cool about my job situation since that news broke. I realize that in her mental state, I never know what may set her off but hoping for peaceful times ahead, and if so, I can see us actually remaining friends. Certainly not best buddies but comfortable enough to have a meal together with kids, or catch a game of bowling every few weeks. I'm sure most members on here think that's a bad idea but I've got to do what I feel is best for me and my boys. I can always re-evaluate if it seems like things are not going as expected. Next big step will be getting the D papers filed, and final agreement on custody. Once we get past that hurdle, I think it should be calm waters ahead for at least a few months.

I don't want to let go of those good memories. How do you move on and keep the good stuff, while letting go of the bad stuff?

You keep the good stuff because it was good, but you're dealing with the here and now and the reality of the situation as it is.

The woman in the pictures is not the woman in front of you now. Just like an old friend or collegue you've grown apart from except you have history with this person.

Try to stop the pain shopping. You've probably got a lot of time to think now. Start thinking about which direction you now want your life to go, make plans, take up hobbies. Go forth and fricking conquer.

Just like that woman in the pictures is not the woman she was. Time to change that man in the pictures. Build a new you.

Her loss.

but made a decision to hold off on even trying to date until the D was final

Good decision. I strongly suggest you first heal yourself before getting in another relationship. But if you date someone before you'll be healed, be honest with yourself and her that you aren't healed yet and that most likely it's a rebound relationship.

Best wishes

I'm the opposite. I never went looking for a relationship but I got so much ass once I filed the papers it wasn't funny. Gave me setting to do and it did help me feel like 'I will be alone forever!"

It's amazing how much you can pull in with a I Don't Give A Shit attitude.

Just keep it casual.

Yeah, a single dad often had no trouble finding sympathetic women.

Keep up the good work. One piece of advise, you probably won't ever be friends. I had the same ideas you did, but being too friendly kept me in her crazy zone. When I got a new girlfriend she got mean, when I got remarried she went to rehab.

Don't get me wrong, things are friendly for the kids, and there aren't fights anymore. Part of that though comes from keeping a healthy distance.

[This message edited by wonderpets at 4:21 AM, June 4th (Thursday)]

I can't make anything out of this mess ? my girl friend for 7 years, nine month ago she told me that she was unhappy with the situation but as the time the economy was so bad all I could think of is trying to stable my business the next thing I found out that she was banging her friend husband I told her that I am giving her my blessing she was crying and told me that she made a mistake she still love me and ofcourse I still love her ,she was the love of my life we for now we still stay together but no intimate for almost a year , I still don't understand why people do these thing ?