SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just wanted to write how impressed I am with your resolve and courage.

I'm sure it took everything in your to do the right thing. I'm not sure many could have done that knowing the potential consequences.

I now you don't feel good about it, but you should be very proud of yourself.

Not trying to 2X4 anyone or be a smartass...but...DDay to non SI'ers is June 6, 1944 - the allied invasion of Europe @ the beaches of Normandy.....

Feb....get ready for the WW to unleash on ya...

Be prepared to give her your list of items on that R list....set your limitations - convey them to her, and be perpared to back 'em up.

That list of conditions for her should include.....

1. total transparency and honesty.

2. No more OM or DDays.

3. Full and total remorse.

4. You recieve all account passwords to email, cell, etc.

5. No secrets or lying...

6. IC for her pre-affair issues ...

7. NC letters to all OM - in your presence...

8. etc.

Bro...you are in a good position to make demands for R....if this is your ultimate goal....If she conforms to your demands...

Whole lotta "if"s here bro.....DO NOT Waver in your demands...DO not let her negociate ANY of these terms....draw that line in the dirt.....like Travis at the Alamo. (it took my FWW 2 months between DDay and "the apology"...tell her your conditions....and then 180.....!!!

The apology is kinda like the supreme courts defination of pornography.....they ruled that they wernt sure what it was - but they knew it when they saw it... ....

the apology - you'll know it when you see it..(if you get it at all - some never see it)....

Me....i worked a full court press 180....(reread everything on the 180 before she gets home - hell, read it twice)....

JMO, but until you get a "snotting, blubbering, crying, im so sorry i hurt you, mascara dripping off her chin apology"....she's just humpin' your leg....the bullshit will get that deep. I put on my hipwaders...and got out in the middle of her crap....they will be pissed, threaten, yell....hell my wife had me so "jacked up" i thought i was going crazy.....I NEVER felt her cheatin' was my fault...

You are doin' pretty good through this shit storm..so far...you will survive - one way or another...with or without her, you will be OK.

No...i did not want a divorce, but it literaly took her lookin' at divorce papers to get that fence post outta her ass....once it was pulled - it went pretty fast....she began to "do all the right things", after her fog lifted.....the apology came as a complete suprise - i was in a "divorce mode".....my nuts wernt for sale...was NOT expecting it at all....

Bro...its gonna be rough....this affair shit is the hardest thing i have ever gone through - from an emotional standpoint - it blows....prepare yourself some more, it aint over till the fat lady sings....and yours is stepping up to the stage.

Good luck....

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 4:20 PM, March 31st (Thursday)]

Good Day Feb;

I'm going to share with you something my Dad told me when I was about 12 years old, after I had gotten myself into some trouble with the police. He said "when you choose the behaviour, you choose the consequences". He also told me "never under any circumstances,ever fool around with another guy's girl. The consequences could be grizzley, you may get hurt real bad and it is totally disrespectful" Smat guy my old man. Both of those men are pieces of dog poo. They are not true men They played dirty with your wife. They deserve what ever consequences fate (or God, which ever your belief) dishes out to them. By messing with your wife, they showed you and your children absolutley no respect. They knew what would happen, but that didn't matter to them. Your wife is also to blame. She knew what the consequences would be, and then continued to disrespect you, your children and your extended family. She also deserves what ever consequences fate or God dishes out. You are guilty of nothing. They all chose their consequences. You did not deserve to be treated like this by that lot.

"I'm pullin' for you brother, we're all in this together. Keep you stick on the ice." Red Green

Feb,

You still have two days until she comes home. Plenty of time to collect yourself, rest up and prepare. Go back and reread your first post from this thread.

Dude your doing the hard work right now and it's not easy. I was there last month. You're wading through all the crap and doing the right things.

What is left that you need to do?

Hang in there we got your back.

She never thought that having an "open marriage" wasn't going to hurt anyone. How silly is that? It hurts everyone, you, her children, her own family, and all the families of the men she wants to have sex with.

She needs a hard look at all the devastation she's caused. She's starting to get a taste of it now that a BW is calling her a homewrecker, which is true by the way.

And now the word is going to be out about her. It's a good bet that the other wives of the men in your riding group are going to have questions, no doubt the 2 guys that went down on the trip with her are going to get grilled by their wives.

You may not need to ask her to leave her group, she may end up being a pariah and shunned. She is going to learn that her actions indeed have consequences. Maybe this will kick her off the fence and out of the fog. Who knows.

Feb-

I know you didn't ask for any of this, and with everything coming to a head, it must feel pretty overwhelming at the moment. I just want to add my few words of support and encouragement.

It might not seem like it right now, but you are doing great. For the first time in a long time, you are taking control of the future, and making positive movement forward. You don't have to take an unwavering stand about what the future might hold, rather, use the new power you've generated to give yourself options.

Having options is a very pleasant place to be.

Good luck with the impending shit storm.

I have to say reading the last few pages of this thread, I'm really pissed off for you. She's got a lot of nerve giving you blow back about your email to the BS of OM1. She is a home wrecker. Period. That's what happens when you fuck with other people's husbands. Memo to their wives -- they didn't know they were having "open" marriages either.

What you are doing right now is holding a mirror up to her. She will not like the reflection. Not one bit. She will do her very best to manipulate you and make this about YOU. She will play sad, and hurt, and furious. She will accuse you of some sort of revenge on the OMs or her "friends." (Hey, friends don't let friend fuck their husband. FYI.)

She will throw the biggest temper tantrum of her life. Brace yourself for it.

Your job is to disengage. If you speak to her at ALL, you stay on message. Just like politicians. Stay on message. Don't let yourself go down the rabbit holes of her justifications, gaslighting and blameshifts. The message is -- SHE DID THIS. She cheated. These are the consequence. YOU are the wronged party here. You and the kids. Period.

Make her look in that mirror at WW. Let her see "home wrecking bitch" reflected back at her. And see how she takes it.

Is it still all about her? Does she feel sorry for herself? Is she angry? Defensive?

If so, keep moving forward towards divorce court.

She can't get real until she faces this. I hope this brings her down from her narcissistic, slutty fantasy life.

I tend to doubt it... but for your sake and your children's sake, I hope so.

Stay strong. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. You did absolutely nothing to deserve this kind of hell.

I'm not so sure she will throw a tantrum, judging from what I can see, but I think it is quite likely I'll get the cold shoulder and divorce talk. The nice thing is that I'm ready for that now. I don't want WW. I'll be keeping my eye out for the next stable, loving relationship. Possible, hopefully that will be a re-appearance of my W. Who knows?

Feb! How did obs take it? Did you learn anything new? Prayers for you tonight? By the way, I'm impressed with your strength. Your doing great.

TELLING OBS

Background...(what do you mean you haven't memorized all 20 pages????)

My son had a hockey game tonight in OM's town, my nephew was also having a birthday, so I could drop off my other two kids at my S's, and I thought OM would be on regular Thurday group ride. All stars in alignment.

There were some anxious moments when I drove by their house before my son's hockey game and saw two vehicles...after getting to the arena and getting him ready, I gave another parent my cell # and headed back to their house. I phone from outside, and luckily, he wasn't yet home from work...

Obviously I could tell she wondered what I was doing there. i started by apologizing for not elling her muchmuch sooner, and then I just said it.."**** and ***(WW) got together in November and had a three month affair. I found out on Feb 8."

Obviously she was shocked and mad at both of them (I hadn't realized how many time she had met my WW), but she was remarkable composed (of course her children were inside). after 15 minutes of talking and answering her questions, I had to leave to go back to hockey. She wanted to talk more, so I said I'd e-mail her. She by then had decided to call her sister (yes, that one, if you've been following..) to come and get her kids so she could talk to her H when he got home.

What song was playing on the radio as I entered their town? (fellow Canadians, take a guess...)

Courage by the Tragically Hip.

My son's hockey team got annihilated by their hometown team though..one of those Tyke games where they stop putting up goals after 5 - 0.

You did the right thing. What happens between them is between them. You need to concentrate on you and your marriage now.

congrats.

I'm so proud of you. She deserved the truth about her marriage. You did the right thing.

This one does feel as though a weight has been lifted..it was long-term, planned, devious, emotional, etc.

I still feel bad about last night.

I wonder if OBS's S has phoned her H yet? Poor guy..he has to drive 16 hours home with my WW. She'll be a wreck, his wife will be livid...oh shit...what happens when they get back to his house in ****ville ? She has to move two bikes and luggae from his car to our van to drive home. I wonder if BS will be ther? Her sister will. Awkward. I almost want to save her from that, but its not like I can take the kids.

It seems weird to type 'congrats' for something that is so distasteful to do... but congrats regardless. It took a lot of courage (Nice song to be on!) to go inform that wife of what her husband has been up to. Now she has the truth and only SHE can decide what she wants to do with it. Did you happen to show her anything, so he can't gaslight her? Like an email, cell phone bill, etc? I'm just afraid that it will be your word against his and he'll try to weasel his way out.

Anyway, I'm proud of you. And now, drink up!!! And watch your door- OM is most likely NOT going to be happy with you right now.

Ya done good.

Congrats.

Congrats is definitely the wrong word, but I am glad I did it.

She told me I was courageous for doing it and hugged me when I left. I'd only met her a few times before, but I was right about her...class act, and he's an idiot.

I hope she lets me know how she's doing becasue having been through it, I just want ot know she's okay.

DUDE- NOBODY mess with Feb cause he's got it together and he's the man!!!

Great work bro! I'm proud of you! You made a big move tonight and you followed through! Courage is right! Give yourself like 20 pats on the back! You deserve it!

Hope you can get some rest tonight and be prepared for the weekend. (((feb)))

Remember I'm pretty sure at least 99% of the SI community literally think YOU ROCK!!!

I have followed your story since you came to SI. I think that you are taking on toooooo much personal responsibility for the amount of hurt that is going around. You did not make the decisions that led to this shit storm, nor are you responsible for it. You have acted with great courage and integrity. Let the shit land where it belongs.

Oh and the other 1% just don't know your story- otherwise they'd think you rock too! lol

I have followed your story since you came to SI. I think that you are taking on toooooo much personal responsibility for the amount of hurt that is going around.

You're right, but that doesn't stop from feeling their pain.

When I saw the look in OM1's eyes last night when he told me that he thought his marriage was over, I felt for him.

Today, when OBS's daughter came out on the porch and said "Mom, look at this." and OBS said, "Honey, I NEED some privacy right now, please go back inside."..well, I felt empty.

Way too much pain for way too many people, and NONe of the kids have any idea yet...maybe, hopefully, they'll never have to.