SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As far as I can see you are doing an excellent job of moving out of infidelity and forward with a divorce in compelling circumstances. And I understand that your WW’s well being is not something you are concerned with given her awful betrayal of your marriage, but she is still the mother of your children.

I know the main focus on this forum is your well being as a BS, and your recovery and survival from infidelity. But I would like to see your response to Sisoon’s questions so that there is a way going forward to not only get out of infidelity but also to thrive.

Is your WW getting any therapy or counselling at this time. She needs to be in IC. Her selfish destructive behavior have led her to receive a ton of negative reactions in a short period of time. Is she a strong woman who can withstand being hated and shunned by her husband and children, despised by her friends, shamed in front of her church and parents, and suspended from her job and humiliated in front of coworkers or is she one who would resort to self harm in these circumstances?

Fareast, I said yes to allowing her to stay in son’s room so that I can try and make sure that she doesn’t do anything stupid like harm herself. I did ask multiple people, both cheaters and those who were cheated on if they ever had worried in this area. I’ve asked her sister to spend as much time with her as possible when I’m not home. There were several guns in the house, but I gave them along with all the ammunition to a brother for safe keeping.

As to my plans, I slowly want to get out of this mess that I am currently forced to deal with, and return to being a good, fun loving person that smiled the vast majority of the time, and enjoy my life by continuing to watch my kids grow into adults, throw my golf bag over my shoulder every now and then, and live a productive and happy life.

And yes, she does see a counselor. I was hoping to have her go at least 3 times before our next discussion, so that she could have a better grasp of what she did, WHYshe did it, and the consequences of her action. But I think we need to talk, hence the two hour discussion on Wednesday when daughter is at work

I was thinking about what happened to ambivalentone's wife.

It's good her sister plans to lend support

2018MLMM,

I’ve allowed her to stay in My sons room for this week on condition that if it doesn’t work out, she will move back to her sisters.

I'm not sure what your criteria are for making a determination about it "working out". Your son's uni semester will be over in a few weeks. He returns home and needs his room.

You have been, quite frankly, strangely silent about the provisions for divorce, and separation pending divorce, in your jurisdiction. Make it clear to her that in 4-6 months she must have a different residence. Does your state require a physical separation?

I agree with other posters that it is not up to you to manage the relationship between her and the children. In my opinion it is completely on you to model behavior. It is completely on you to be the leader to your family and give the kids the guidance about your expectations and feedback to them. By your accounts, they are not being hatefully, venomously disrespectful to her.

The adultery will, in ways not yet fully known, define you for the rest of your life. How you handle the aftermath of the adultery will be a more defining period in your life. You will never regret taking the high road. The motivation for doing so can be your kids. They are unfortunately being exposed to hard, very tough, emotional issues for which they are not prepared. Let them see you as the family leader who shows how to come together to handle adversity.

Thanks for your response. Clearly, despite the circumstances, you have taken steps to ensure that nothing untoward happens to the mother of your children. My hat is off to you.

I wish you and your family strength to get through this mess, and success in returning to the life you want and deserve. You have handled this mess dumped on you extremely well.

I don’t think this idea that MLMM’s children are not behaving as they should towards their mother right now is a fair one.

During the past 6 or so months their mother has made her OM a priority over them. She would have missed things or not been around when the kids needed her during that time. She betrayed them too. To expect them 10 day after finding out that they weren’t a priority to their Mum to be all loving and connected with her is asking them to deny their reality and rug sweep. To ignore their feelings rather than process them. It’s setting them up for massive FOO issues/ relationship issues of their own down the track.

From what he has shared MLMM has supported the kids in expressing what they are feeling and discussed with them that she will always be their Mum and they will need to reconnect with her when they are ready.

While this is an awful situation for them to be in it needs to be a learning experience for them that makes them stronger emotionally and wiser moving forward with their lives. Sorry I will get off my soap box now.

MLMM you are doing amazing. Take a breath and look at how you have dragged yourself out of infidelity with style.

How have you been handling your anger?

[This message edited by HardyRose at 8:53 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

Hi 2018

I know that we each come here, believing our experiences are unique.

Each of us are unique. As are our WW's, as are our precious young people, and then our relationships were as well. But I found such value in others sharing their experience. I now try to help out where I feel that maybe my experience might help another.

I see several similarities in where you are now, and the challenges that you are facing, with what I experienced. I have the advantage though, of being about 9 months further out than you (my JFO thread is now 12 or 13 pages out, would you believe). And what a difference those 9 months have made.

When I told XWW of my final decision to D, her world collapsed in around her. From being admired for her success in her profession, as a mother, having the H all her friends wished their H's were like, living in a sought after neighborhood, adored by her kids, serving on all the right mother's groups,....... to nothing. Her only solace, in the bottle. Almost losing her job through arriving at work drunk. It was tough on her.

I had never anticipated just how severe the impact would have been on her but fortunately, having had the experience of D Day, I knew that things would be tough on her, and I did what I could to try and ensure that she would have as much support as possible. Both on the day and for some time after.

I pre-arranged and pre-paid for counseling sessions, that she was free to then choose to use or not. These were with a counselor that I knew she trusted and worked well with. I organized with 2 of her closest friends to be ready to support and spend shifts with her so that I knew that she had 24/7 support.

I, in advance, arranged IC sessions for my 2 precious people (DD now 16, DS now 11). As much as at the time, I wanted them to know just how awful their mother's actions to me had been, fortunately, I did not share gory details. As modern teens, they have a fairly clear idea of what goes down in infidelity. Their judgement of her was severe enough without me having added the gory bits.

I almost took on the burden of repairing their relationship with their mother. I am forever indebted to a few good SI souls who came onto my thread straight away and shared their stories of their kids and how I could help by not making their mom out to be a monster, but how the relationship between them and her developed, was for her to work on. Not my responsibility.

I spent much time discussing this with their IC.. He advised me that this was the correct approach. Thanked me for equipping him with this information. It allowed him to better help them. He and I spent time weekly, just focusing on this aspect. Our sole purpose, making sure that they were as healthy as possible.

To this day, DD refuses any contact with her mom. DS is her greatest fan. He is still wonderfully protective of me, and openly shares with me that he hates what she did to me, but he loves the time he spends with her. I think he is her lifeline. Her reason for living right now, and I see her slowly becoming a much better person, through the example of his unconditional love.

I expect you to feel and do nothing differently to what you do now, but if there is any way that, without you getting directly involved, you could try and get some sort of support structure put in place for your WW, 9 months from now, you will be so thankful you did.

Then, last thing for now, pop across to the S/D forum and look for a thread by SuperDaddy. It will give you a glimpse of where you might be just 9 months from now. Not a bad place at all.

I think I need to apologize to a lot of people here.

I’ve been wrong on many things I’ve typed here, and often I have changed because of your comments.

But the most common suggestion made to me is that I need to control my anger. Was told that the hate and anger was going to burn me up. I thought it was keeping me warm.

I have viewed my anger as the driving force behind my actions in moving forward. And maybe it is/was. And maybe it is something I need to rely on from time to time. Which is odd, because just 2months ago, I was never visibly upset, and rage was never a world used to describe me.

But after reading the threads by DoneGone (which I lost at the end after his divorce) and Ohforanewme, I’m going to stay just as motivated, but TRY to bring the anger under control.

ThankYou and I’m sorry

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 7:59 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

No need to apologize. You are dealing with extreme stress and trauma, and anger is a normal reaction in this situation. You should be commended for your ability to step back and reflect and consider the comments of others and implement suggestions that you find worthy in the middle of this shitstorm. This ability bodes well for your future.

I think Rudyard Kipling reflected well on this:

“If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too”

You are heading in the right direction.

No need to apologise. That is what you should do with your anger. Use it to motivate you to make the necessary changes in your life.

It isn’t healthy to use your anger to hurt others, even your WS. The name calling, the yelling in front of your kids. That is the stuff that you need to get under control.

It is natural and normal to be angry, you should be angry. But don’t let it change who you are and how you treat people. Keep being the man who put a bottle of water in the bedroom for your WS. That is who you are.

[This message edited by HardyRose at 5:09 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]

I gag when I hear the phrase "but she's the mother of your children." Pushing a baby or two out of one's vajayjay does not give one a pass for life. I am not necessarily referencing the OP's wife. There are horrible women out there (not necessarily the OP's wife and fortunately not too many) who are worthless mothers.

OP has stated that his wife was a good mother. The key phrase is WAS a good mother. And I don't doubt his judgement. But she was a crappy POS mother during her affair.

People state all the time that a man who cheats on the "mother of his children" is a bad father. But the same thing is true for a woman - a mother who is having an affair is not a good mother during that time. A good parent does not risk destroying their children's lives for a few bedroom romps.

The children of course have justifiable rage just days after learning what their mother did to them. That's normal. I hope that they can rebuilt a relationship, but time will tell. Her actions are what will make a difference.

Just got in from gym after long day at work. She is in son’s room, door closed. I’m going to count this as a good night.

Yes, I know it can’t continue like this indefinitely.

Cool!

From this

To this

It can if you nail the door shut...LOL

Sorry just in a mood.

Nailing door shut wouldn’t work.

She’d just slither under the door

At least you're maintaining a sense of humor.

2018

You started off this thread and your journey determined to not be taken for a fool and that enabled you to get through possibly the most devastating day of your life. You attacked it with strength and because of that you were able to successfully take control of the situation by your actions.

Then, when you realized that after that sprint, the rest of this process is a marathon, no matter what the outcome, you took note of the wealth of knowledge this site has to offer, and opened up your mind to taking some advice, or at least considering it. That’s the mark of a successful person, no matter what they are trying to achieve. Well done again.

You say tomorrow you will have another discussion. Have you outlined what you want to accomplish? I know you will make this your own. I point you to two dining table discussions you have already read about for inspiration: that of Walloped and that of OhForANewMe.

Utilize their approaches to information gathering and disseminating for their different purposes.

For me, the two main questions start with why:

- why did you do this (“it just happened” is not a valid response)

And

- why, since you seemed to be in love with him, do you even want to be with me? (“If you do your actions are a funny way of showing it”)

I’m not sure if you consider this the right time to ask these questions, and I’m sure you want to talk more about how the D will move forward, but at some point it would be good to understand how the A even came about.

As Mentioned before, be a good listener and try not to interrupt. And if it gets to be too much, take a break.

You are doing this really well....

I gag when I hear the phrase "but she's the mother of your children." Pushing a baby or two out of one's vajayjay does not give one a pass for life.

Do you believe that anyone is suggesting that 2018MLMM show grace and consideration to his WW because she was woman enough to push babies out of her "vajayjay"?

No! It's not about the WW or her golden "vajayjay". It is about the children and their ability to make sense out of adult behavior when they are very very far from adults themselves. It's about the fact that his WW has done enough to screw those kids up and he, 2018MLMM, is in a position to either help them grow into adulthood with as little damage as possible or, conversely, to damage them further. Those few posters here are asking him to approach from the perspective of the only parent in the mix who can positively affect their outcome.

It is obvious that many people love to hear about a wayward getting what they deserve, I'm no exception. I live vicariously from time to time. But as a mother myself I cannot agree with pulling children into adult situations where they join the betrayed in meting out punishments toward the other parent. It may feel good in the moment but the damage (to the children) will take years to manifest and will probably never be able to be undone.

You need to back away from the hate and anger. I get that you have been hurt. The hate is going to eat you alive. She is not a dog or a snake. She is the mother of your kids. This stuff isn't even funny. With all the venom from you I'm starting to feel sorry for her.

I prefer compassion over hate even if you divorce. Those of the "ditch the bitch group" save your 2x4s and build a house with them.