SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Apparition, how are you doing?

"...I look around at the life we built and I’m not sure that it’s meant the same to her as me."

This is all you need to remember in order to get yourself free from the prison you're clinging to. Freedom is scary. Prison life is an early grave.

I wish the best for you.

I cherished my feelings about my time with WS as well. No need to go back and say it was all illusion and wasted time. It was happy for you and I'm glad you had happiness.

I'm certain you can find happiness again. At first I felt that nothing could be as good as what I had. I was wrong. You will find your way. I could never get my WS to open up and want to share. He likes to be entertaining and talking about his shortcomings would be like eating sand to him. Some people aren't ready to grow. It's easier for them to let the opportunity pass by.

There's a sadness when we are waiting for someone who won't come with us. That should not stop us from our journey. Each of us is free to choose our own direction. For whatever reason she decided this was important to her. I'm sorry she lied to you and has pushed back so hard.

You looked into yourself and saw your own weakness. You saw you were human as we all are. We all struggle in life. You know you can have a connection with someone else. It's so sad when somethings ending that you cherished. Take tender care of yourself during this sadness. Please don't go through it alone. Find a little light in these difficult days to focus on. I was becoming too sad and so i moved in with my sister and her 10 year old son. He is my light and I no longer stay in the darkness of my loss. His smile means more to me than a hundred clever things my WS says.

You will come out of your ruins into a peaceful valley in time. Wishing you clarity of purpose in 2021.

Great words Pure. Something for us all to remember. Things get better. They do. Keep at it.

How are you doing Apparition? Any further results from the 180? Is your WW showing signs of getting it and addressing your needs?

Sending strength

Thanks everyone for your continued thoughts and well wishes. My true 180 was huge for me. First, it gave me focus away from WW and thoughts of R, it let me build my self esteem, body, and mind in amazing ways. I’m in the best physical shape in decades. My work returned to 100%. And I had a real, if shallow, acceptance that D was a realistic possibility that I needed to prepare myself.

My WW took my behavior as an insult, then it appeared she crumbled into despair, then she came to me on several occasions wanting to do “everything I asked”. I started feeling guilty and cruel for not reaching her half way. I prayed and found guidance and did open up to her again. Without asking she found a legit good counselor that even the most pessimistic SI friends would find near perfect in his approach. Accountability, transparency, no blame shifting, empathy building, etc.

WW answers all questions I have, is rarely defensive (when she is we just postpone for later), she is accountable for her whereabouts, all her accounts &

passwords, she is remorseful, and most of all she is sincerely empathetic to me. It all feels fragile some days, we had a setback with her past making a real and sudden impact in our lives.

We are Christians, prayer, devotion, fellowship, church, and God’s hand in our lives have been essential. We are making our marriage anew with a Christ centered biblically informed marriage.

I have no idea of the outcome, some days I still fall into sadness over the breadth and depth of her betrayals and deceptions. The selfishness with which she acted during the affairs - and cruelty after disclosure, often hangs over me like a dark cloud. But then the sky parts and we do good work on the M, she is accountable, and takes full responsibility. She blames me for nothing.

Forgiveness will not be a challenge, it really isn’t. Its not my nature to demand repayment for debts I forgive. Trust is an obstacle that some days feels impossible. Day at a time on that. I can’t fault her for any behavior right now and I feel positive about R. There are obviously weeks and weeks of details, but that is where I am.

[This message edited by Apparition at 6:03 PM, February 6th (Saturday)]

It’s good to hear that you’re moving forward out of infidelity. Sincere best wishes on continued progress.

Well done.

I wish you the best.

I agree. Well done. Keep it up. Best wishes.

Sorry your here .Save yourself the pain and heartache , if there is no remorse, no upfront honesty sent yourself free , you are not responsible for this , nor can you fix it . You’ll have yourself in a knot trying to fix it , just let it go !

Just out of interest, has she gained any personal insight as to how she went so batshyte crazy all those months she was acting cruel towards you? What is her excuse? Has she shown real contrition and remorse for being an azzhole? Has she taken full accountability and owned up to what she did with family and friends?

It sounds like doing the 180, getting into shape really smacked her with a hard right of reality. She must have thought you had one foot out the door and was ready to start looking for her replacement.

[This message edited by Westway at 2:07 PM, February 8th (Monday)]

Regardless how it works out - this is a step forward for both of you in your personal lives. Whether you can build a new relationship on this foundation - well yes but its a tall order;

However if you really want to move forward after everything she has done then i sincerely hope you are rewarded and that her remorse is sincere .

Please just stay skeptical because giving her the benefit of the doubt before she has earned it would not help her ( far less you) . Hopefully after 3 years of self improvement you will be able to trust her again. You can forgive on your own timeline although once again best if she does something to earn it .

[This message edited by siracha at 2:30 PM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

Dear Apparition,

Many people use the scripture as a reason to bury their problems beneath the sand. We as human beings are responsible for our actions and reaction, and we must render to Ceaser the things that are Ceaser and to God that is God. What I am saying that there are consequences for our earthly sins and crime even if God has forgiven us. I worked and received an M.Div from a well-known seminary and served in executive leadership in a megachurch (one of my advanced degrees) because I wanted to rightly divide the word of truth; that said, please don’t let Christianity cloud your mind in walking the path to find the truth.

Best,

Bigheart

Time will tell. No one can keep a facade up long. I’d take my time before granting any R.