SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"How the WS gets off easy is beyond me."--thatslife

Just for clarity, my husband has NEVER gotten off easy and NEVER will.

I have no allegiance toward the ow, I haven't been married to her for over a decade, I haven't made a family with her, I have no shared history with her therefore I have no obligation to "play nice" with her or give a rats ass about her or the child she brought into the world unbeknownst to my husband for almost two years.

Me

[This message edited by Me&my3 at 12:59 PM, May 4th (Thursday)]

The statement above about the WS getting off easy and another thread that is posted somewhere else about sex without protection has gotten me thinking.

I don't think any of us has let our WS's off easy. However, many of us have chosen to forgive and move on with reconciliation and rebuilding of a relationship. I know that is not an option for all, but it is for some. Especially when the WS is remorseful and makes the changes necessary to repair and rebuild what has been damaged.

However, because the WSs that we discuss here had unprotected sex that resulted in a child, does that mean we have to hold them to a different or higher level of being sorry for what they did wrong? In my case, H had unprotected sex, assuming (stupidly!!) that it was safe, as that is what the OW told him, "oh, I can't get pregnant-blah, blah, blah...". When H found out 5 months later she was pregnant, he immediately told her he wanted her to abort, or give up for adoption, and if she chose not to, then he would have nothing except what he was legally obligated to do, no contact at all. The choices regarding the OC from that point forward were OW's--hiding and lying about the pregnancy to begin with, chosing to keep the child, chosing to make a lot of other mistakes, including poor planning on her part and assuming that H would work as a partner with her (yeah, right!!)

Back to my question--H has an affair, W finds out, they reconcile, A is eventually put behind them. Or H has affair with unprotected sex, W finds out, there is stress and concern over STD's, both are tested and treated if necessary, they put it behind them and then move on. BUT last case, H has an A with unprotected sex and OW gets pregnant and keeps the kid. In all three cases, H made a mistake and needs to make up for it and change his ways for R to happen. However, in our case, there is a constant forever reminder of that mistake. But does that fairly make the sin our WHs committed worse than if they had an A that didn't result in a child?

My H's mistake happened when he had a PA--and then did not come forward right away. However, from dday he has been well aware that it is his actions going forward that will determine if we will reconcile or not. I can forgive him for the mistakes, and as Bee said, I invested many years into a marriage and children, so felt it worth forgiving and giving another chance. However, OWs continued bad choices and the fact there is now an OC in our life, whether we want it or not is not a continuation of the mistake, only a reminder of it. The continuation of the mistake is OW's actions, not WH's. I do not think I can hold OW's actions, nor the OC over H's head forever. IMO, we just have to deal with it.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 3:04 PM, May 4th (Thursday)]

2kds:

Something I have never discussed (and never will in this site) are the reasons behind my H's affair. Weird as it may sound, there were reasons for it. I don't have to *like* them, but I (can try to) accept them.

In my H's case, OW said she was on the pill. Way back when, when this ONS occured STD's and Aids were not as prevalent as they are in today's society. Don't get me wrong, unprotected sex was still risky, but perhaps not *as* risky as today, with Aids, etc.

So, bottom line...H thought he *was* protected, even if it *was* incredibly stupid/naive for him to trust the lying OW.

On the pill my ass.....

Bee-I understand and agree completely. There are lots of reasons for an A, and perhaps not important to discuss here anyway. It is the fallout that is easy to discuss here. The reasons behind my H's A are not really discussed here either, nor do I consider myself completely blameless-although I am not to blame! Does that make sense?

twokidsmommy, I hear you--not to blame but not blameless is a good way to put it. Whatever troubles/distancing/craziness led to the A, the WS still had the bad judgment to enter into the A. Blame or responsibility or whatever, it's all on him.

And OC will always be a reminder of that--whether it's with C or without--CS never goes away!!

2kds:

*Hell* yes it makes sense! We are on the same page, you and I!

I told my husband that if he *ever* thought to "excuse" his actions based on some "perceived" short coming on my part (not feeling appreciated, blah, blah, blah), he *would* be looking for another person to spend the rest of his life with!

And that, my friends, was the end of *that* "discussion.

25whimsey:

Wait a minute...CS = child support, right?

Sure it goes away; (you were just joshin', right?)unfortunately it just takes a minimum of 18 years. However, for those of you at the beginning of it, it probably seems that it doesn't.

Ladies,

I just read all your posts and would like to pose a question to you...

Your H had an A and regardless of the reason or how it happened (carlessness, misled by OW, etc) why do you feel that your H HAS to pay CS? Yes the law says so, but the law can be flawed. Look at the case pending in MI now.

OW really do hold all the cards. They tell our H's they're on the Pill and they're really not or they secretly go off. They asked H's what they want to do after they break the news about the pregnancy and then they IGNORE the H's wishes!! This is the part that KILLS ME!

In our case, OW asked my H if he wanted to be involved and he said no, and that he was not leaving his wife. Then she proceeded to TELL him what she was doing. Why ask when the decision was never really up for discussion?

In my book that was just a ploy to feel H out to see if he'd leave me, support her, etc. And it failed. So now that it failed WE (H&I) will be stuck w/ a CS payment we probably can't afford for the next 21, yes, you read right TWENTY ONE years. How is that fair to the man involved let alone the wife who chose to stand by his side?

The whole legal system on this topic sickens me and for anyone to say that the OC is innocent, I beg to differ. It's a pawn used by the OW to keep the H sucked in to her pathetic life.

BW

BeeTrayed--yeah, CS=child support, and I know it ends in 18 years, but as you said, from the 3 month old OC point of view, that's a loooong time--especially at our age!

CS-21 years here too! Unless the kid goes to work instead of college, or into the services or something. We can only hope the OW goes and finds herself her own husband! At least then if the CS burden doesn't go away, it would be decreased by the new amount into the household. I am pretty sure OW will be on a husband hunt as soon as the dust settles--god knows she was on one with my H! On the pill was the story my H heard too...and they are dumb enough (or perhaps thinking only with their d***s) to fall for it!

BW--to answer your question, and I have said it before also. I do not think that CS should be required in situations such as many of us and our H's find themselves in. It is legal exploitation/blackmail, in my opinion. Just think how many of these cases the H just pays and keeps quiet, w/o a court order. The very first attny my H interviewed way back when our mess started said it is very common.

Bee-that's probably the boat you found yourself in, finding out long after the fact. How many wives never find out??

In a class I was taking last semester, the professor was joking around while taking attendence. There were several of us women in the class that had kids and as he called our names he was asking us if we had kids, etc. He called the name of one of the young men in the room (there were only a few) and asked him if he had any kids. The young man was flustered and caught off guard by the question. The professor then retorted, "None, that you know of, right?"

2kds:

A brief answer from my H on the subject of CS:

"*Any* bank can set up a monthly transmission of money to another bank/account. Also, most employers can send an employee's pay to several bank accounts (as designated by the employee) by auto/direct deposit. It's *very* easy to set up--just talk to the bank and have the 'sender' talk to his bank or employer (account #s and bank routing #s will have to be exchanged)."

Sounds pretty straight-forward, and infinitely less stressful than writing a check out every month, which to me would resemble an 18+ year monthly flogging.

Bee-Thanks for the info. Yes, we do not want to write a monthly check, but at the same time--we want her to have to get it in the mail and have to walk it to the bank and deposit it! It is way too convenient for her to have it direct deposited. We are trying to find an account that earns interest and will send an automatic check--no luck yet, but will let you know if we come up with one. Right now H doesn't want to take it monthly from paycheck, but perhaps that will change over time!

2kds:

I hear what you're saying.

What about an online banking option with a separate account set up for that purpose only. You could "set" it for recurring payments (so you wouldn't have to do it each month)and she'd still have to walk the check to the bank, as per your desires.

Hey guys?

I'm really struggling here today...need some input.

All day long I have been wondering "what's wrong with me today?" (other than the usual thoughts on the situation).

As is often the case, a bit of time pondering my thoughts usually results in an answer.

Damn, I'm crying as I write this. You see, my H's A took place in mid-May, and...well.... here we are. Also, this will be my first Mother's Day with that totally lost innocence of knowing I was the only one...the only mother to his children (even without the DNA proof the possibility still kills me).

I can't ask my children not to do something for me on Mother's Day, but I want nothing from my husband on this day, and have told him so. I also told him I do not care to celebrate our anniversay in June, at least not this year.

I'm beginning to realize that May and Mother's Day are going to be very painful triggers.

Sh-t, I feel sick.

((((BeeTrayed)))))

You need to do what is right for you. Don't celebrate if that is what you need to do! My first dday came in May a year ago, so not sure how I am going to handle it either...we can all cry together.

I know that when I found out that my H and I had not been this wonderful in-sinc couple who respected each other, I felt raped. To know that he cared about, looked at, thought about, planned out about, looked forward to, dreamed and fantasized about someone else other that me, was devastating. To think that my H felt compelled to meet the expectations of another person made me angry again like I just had D-day. Over the past year that I have known about the A, the recognition of this fact in my mind has come in bits and pieces. It is like my mind wouldn't let me understand all that had been lost, at the time of discovery. I guess I wouldn't have been able to handle it all at once like that. Holidays have felt empty in a sense. Like they don't really matter because he was pretending to want to be with me and that he was thinking about someone else when he was with me on a holiday. And now when my WS does something thoughtful and nice, or is with me on a holiday, it is not as valuable. But I am starting to come out of this phase as well. For my child's sake, I have times where I can block out what has happened and have the positive outlook I had before my D-Day. I am like this most of the time.

[This message edited by icando at 11:58 PM, May 5th (Friday)]

Hi All,

I feel safe on this thread, and need some advice. OW has reared her ugly head again the past few days-with stupid crap, playing dumb and trying to suck H in. In our sitch-OW can never completely go away-but has no right to intrude. I told H today that I want him to write her an NC ltr--as soon as the CS agreement is a done deal. Even though the agreement lays out means of contact, I feel, for me that he needs to write her and be very clear about what and how things get communicated. Any ideas?

2kids,

As you and I know from being in the same state, our H's are not OBLIGATED under the law to speak to OW. The rub is that if they don't, the OW ends up hounding them to death.

We chose to move to another state nearby. Drastic I know but when she sent my H ultrasound pics in a Xmas card, I reached my limit. Now she does not know where we live or our home number.

OC in our case is due this month (god help me). We are willing to play along until an agreement is in place and then will change our cell and home email addresses. Unfortunately my H cannot change is work address or number but he is moving to another building shortly and we hope that his number will change. I will encourage him not to put his contact info at the end of every email automatically but rather manually. In addition, he's blocked her email from his work in box.

We hope to put confidentiality and NC into our agreement when the time comes. We both have no desire to get phone calls re how many poopy diapers the kid had today or learn that he hates peas but loves beans. Who gives a $hit? No pun intended. He's not part of OUR lives. PERIOD. Not negotiable.

It's such a fine line that we have to walk w/ these OW. I read (or someone told me can't remember) that when they push for paternity and CS they are, in reality, giving up some of their parental rights. I plan on reminding OW of that every chance I get given the opportunity. H said she will be a basket case if we ask for joint physical custody (we aren't but I'd love to see her face...). On the flip side, I'm not on this earth to be her every other weekend babysitter either. I want to hurt her. She used that kid as a pawn for the last nine months. I have no qualms about doing the same thing back to her...or at least threatening to.

Hard as it is to swallow, let it go. She's a pain in the a$$ and will always be. If you cave in to her demands, whining and temper tantrums you'll be stuck w/ her in an even great amount for years in the future.

Stay strong. We members of the OW/OC Haters Club support you.

Hugs,

BW

[This message edited by BetrayedWife at 6:39 PM, May 9th (Tuesday)]

BW --

I agree with every bit that you are saying. However, H never told her NC, nor really completely broke it off with the bitch, and she keeps trying, thinking she can suck him back in. Once we get the damn CS agreement signed, which does outline communication and confidentiality, I really want him to tell her it is over, they have no relationship and leave us the f**k alone. Even though H has ignored her for months, told her flat out to her face in their negotiation meeting that he does not want to hear from her she keeps trying. She has contacted him twice in the past 3 days, and the minute my H responds with a polite leave me alone, I don't want to involved, she takes it as an open to door to ask him a different question. She is just so pathetic and clingy...I just want her out of my life!

H agreed to write her a NC letter, and I really think he should, so HE gets it as much as she does.