SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes it is WAW's like this that give women a bad name.

It is also WAW's like this years fro now pay for these hurtful decisions.

The Ex's hate them forever.

And their children grow up to resent them.

Then these waywards wonder what they did wrong to have everyone dislike them so much.

Patience All at Sea.

HM

AAS,

Since you are not rolling over like a good dog she is trying to punish you. In her mind, "ok, don't want to be nice with me, I'll let you know what a mistake you've made."

If I were you it would be scorched earth time. You need to think strategically and tactically. Even if she comes back weepy "we used to love each other." Realize it will be an act that she thinks will help her "win."

If you want to take the high ground, then be wary of anything she does and act accordingly. Don't let her take your boys away from you. Do what is necessary to protect yourself and your boys.

She's coming at you with a knife.

[This message edited by mike7 at 10:00 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

The letter has just been sent. I am expecting a nasty response but my solicitor appears to be keen to bring this to a head, as am I.

She wants a fight. That's what she's gonna get. Screw the cost.

AAS,

I can't wait for the day you post about the mascara running, snot dripping, on the floor bawling, begging you for forgiveness scene your wife's gonna do when it all comes crashing down.

Her response had better be conveyed by her attorney and not her showing up or calling or texting you. She can't have it both ways!

Will the children be delivered at 8am tomorrow or will she defy all sound advice and prevent them from going to the dentist?

I honestly wouldn't want to call it but I will be surprised if they turn up.

AAS, I have been following your story and you have handled all of the s**storm that has been thrown at you wonderfully, given the craziness your STBXWW has exhibited.

Hang on and keep your kids safe. You sound like a wonderful dad!!

I will make an observation now about your STBXWW and her POSOM..... she wants custody from Sunday night until Thursday AM??? You, man, are the winner. She has the kids for three "daylight" times.... Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. You have four. This makes me think that the OM isn't so keen on bringing up another mans children and he is yanking her chain, and she is so bound and determined to prove that he is wonderful and she is right that she will throw her kids under the bus. You will be the winner. You are putting your kids first. Hang in there and hugs to you. Hold your head high and be proud of the man you are and don't submit to the nonsense she throws out there. ((AAS))

allatsea,

I have been following your story. My thoughts are with you and hope that WW delivered your children on time to you!

Hugs from America!

Thanks guys.

She did deliver the boys on Wednesday morning as originally planned. She would have looked pretty neglectful if she had prevented me taking them to the dentist. Her reply letter has more lies in it which is great because I can call her out on them. She says my emails and texts are offensive and threatening so I sent EVERY single one to my solicitor. Dumb Bitch. Does she not realise I can prove she is lying?!

She also states that because I forgot to return their coats back to her once that this is proof that I shouldn't have them on Sunday nights because she thinks I will forget to do their homework and send them without lunch. Utter madness.

The best for last; she won't attend mediation because i said "she was disgusting and also swore at her"

What I said was that I found her affair disgusting and I wanted a divorce because she was Fucking another man. How unreasonable of me!!!!!

My temp solicitor seems much more aggressive than the senior chap I normally have. I might switch. She seems really pissed that Ww is getting away with this shit.

[This message edited by allatsea at 1:25 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

OH my AAS..our spouses are just on another dimension...crazy!! Hang in there.

I have to admit when I saw the note re Coat, I shook my head ..do they have a manual for the crazy crap they talk? It reminded me of a recent email from runaway husband basically ..."I note you give children wholemeal bread for their lunches and they are not eating it..I have made a POLICY to give them white bread & although not HEALTHY they still eat it & they need a balanced diet"....my policy was I ignored this email & I did laugh because the only children eating his white bread sandwiches are the BIRDS

We will all get through.

peace everyone

Dam our stories are so similar it's scary. I feel your pain and believe me I know exactly how you feel. Stay strong and angry!

I like your temp solicitor as well.

Sometimes it takes woman to screw with another womans mind....

I'm biased obviously, but I think betrayed men suffer a special kind of grief which affects our belief that we can provide for our wives, sexually, emotionally and as a father. Especially when they take the children and substitute us for another penis.

That was painful to read, AAS. So sorry you are going through this. It's a human condition, though. A lot of women on this site can relate to being traded in for another vagina. It's easy to feel like less of a man, or woman as the case may be, but it really is about them. Sometimes our only crime is being married to a person with a messed-up way of thinking and poor coping skills. We become too familiar, or too old (in their minds anyway) and for whatever reason they no longer see the best of themselves reflected in us. See, that's the real problem. The need for external validation. Because it doesn't exist for them internally. They need something fresh to make them forget about the black hole in their soul. Of course these efforts are doomed to failure, but it might take years or decades for them to come to the realization.

They say the best revenge in situations like this is to live well. I sincerely wish that for you.

Thanks Sal,

It was hard to write. It still feels like a bad dream sometimes.

STBXWW has formally confirmed that she doesn't want to communicate directly with me at all, which helps me to a certain extent (NC helps). It has also allowed me to cite how unreasonable she has become and that she doesn't have the best interests of the children at heart.

I have now become far more assertive and taken control of things. I have taken a stance on the child access days and she cannot challenge it without taking me to court.

I have since summarised my final position to the solicitor which shows that there is only the house which is yet to be agreed. I have agreed to her percentage and provided a valuation but she is still procrastinating.

For someone who wants to divorce quickly and amicably she sure is putting obstacles in the way. I just don't get that.

And I still can't comprehend why she won't email me directly about day to day child care related things. Is POS applying pressure? Does she get emotional when she communicates? Is she just bonkers?

I am beginning to realise, properly, that she has really given up the most amazing little family unit. She was worshipped, loved and respected. I loved her more after 19 years than I ever thought possible. She was everything to me and I never strayed. I looked, but never touched. I didn't want to risk losing my wife. I think back to our wedding day quite a lot and the vows we took. A wonderful day and full of promise

[This message edited by allatsea at 10:24 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

You wonder if she's not communicating directly with you because

a)Is POS applying pressure?

c)Is she just bonkers?

I'm inclined to go with "C"

This is a pattern of control she is developing over you. I've been living with essentially similar experience over the last 4 years. I spoke with a Harvard psychoanalysis who explained intermittent reinforcement. It's the opposite of the type of control they will display to get you married. Except now she will use the exact opposite, she will use negative reinforcement to keep you in "her" control, her version of marriage.

Indifference is the only way out. You can't run away from her, not with kids that you love left behind. It's an impossible situation, and after 4 years I can tell you the strength and answers are within you. There is a beautiful man underneath all of this chaos and destruction. The fire you're subjected to will free you like the Phoenix rising.

When it's the hardest, and you're going crazy because someone else is controlling how often you see your own children; take the same advice my tough as nails Russian friend told me (she actually had to smack my face I was crying so uncontrollably): your kids are alive, they have food, a place to live, both a mother and father that love them. You're an amazing man with amazing talents, and you can have any woman you want. What are you crying about. Celebrate life, even if it's not the way you thought it would be.

Great post, used!

AAS, from what you're describing I don't envy your STBXWW's future hubby. He caught a real prize. I don't sympathize with the SOB, but I don't envy him either. He has a woman who he knows is capable of cheating, and who is capable of discarding her husband of 19 years when something more appealing (in her eyes) comes along. Good luck with that! Deceit, dishonesty, betrayal, and disloyalty. What a way to start a new relationship. Even if it works out he'll always be looking over his shoulder.

And she gets a man who finds those traits acceptable in a partner.

Maybe the two of them together is karma in the making.

Great posts people.

I love this:

your kids are alive, they have food, a place to live, both a mother and father that love them. You're an amazing man with amazing talents, and you can have any woman you want. What are you crying about. Celebrate life, even if it's not the way you thought it would be.

How are you doing All at Sea???

HM

I so nearly sent this to STBXWW but following great advice I am posting it here instead of sending it to her:

QUESTION: My wife tried to make me feel guilty when she left. She angrily blamed me for our divorce despite my desperate attempts to hold things together. I’m not a perfect man, but I loved her and would never have left. But in her mind, I failed so miserably as a husband that she was forced to run around with her boss! Can you believe that? She blamed me for her adultery!

DR. DOBSON: Your wife is trying to transfer her guilt to you. Nearly every spouse does something similar when engaging in infidelity. Such people must find a way to deal with the condemnation of their own consciences. They have torn up a home, rejected their spouses, wounded their children, and jeopardized their futures. Such outrageous behavior demands an explanation of some sort. Thus, they construct a vigorous defense against moral condemnation, usually by shifting blame to the spouse.

Ask any victim of an affair; he or she has probably heard a version of the following rationalizations designed to handle specific sources of guilt:

(1) Marital guilt.“I know that what I’m doing is difficult for you now, but someday you will understand that it’s for the best. I never really loved you even when we were young. In fact, we should never have gotten married in the first place. Furthermore, this divorce is really your fault. You drove me to it by ...” (insert grievances here, such as frigidity, in-law problems, nagging, overwork, or all the foregoing).

This message has a transparent purpose. The first sentence marvelously purifies the motives of the unfaithful spouse. It says, in effect, “I’m really doing this for your own good.”

The second sentence is also a beauty. It is designed to serve as an “annulment” to the marriage instead of a cruel abandonment of a loved one. By saying that they should have never gotten married, their union becomes an unfortunate mistake rather than a relationship that is ordained and cemented. Then by putting the remaining responsibility on the other party, the blame is successfully transferred from the guilty to the innocent. So much for wedding vows. Now let’s deal with the children.

(2) Parental guilt.“This will be hard on the kids for a while, but they’ll be better off in the long run. It certainly isn’t healthy for them to see us fight and argue like we’ve been doing. Besides, I will spend just as much time with them after things settle down as I do now.”

Zap! Zap! Guilt over the children is also tucked away. Would you believe that Dad’s escapade with another woman or Mom’s flight with Don Juan is actually a constructive thing? Pay no heed to the conclusions the children draw about why Mommy or Daddy left, and why he or she doesn’t love them anymore, and why the divorce may have been their fault, and why life is so painful and scary. Try to ignore the fact that everything stable has just come unstitched in the lives of some very impressionable and sensitive little people. Guilt over the children can be the toughest to rationalize, but, fortunately, hundreds of books and tapes are available today that will help you silence your writhing conscience.

(3) Social guilt.“I’m sure our friends won’t understand at first, and I can hardly wait to hear what your mother will have to say. But it’s like I told the pastor last week, our divorce is really no one’s fault. We’ve just outgrown each other.”

If a woman is speaking, she may say: “Besides, I am entitled to do what’s best for me once in a while. I’ve given my entire life to everyone else; now it’s time for me to think of myself. Anyway, what’s right for me will prove best for you and the children, too.”

This line of reasoning is only one of many rationalizations by which selfishness can be purified and made to appear altruistic.

I had all three of these said to me. Transfering bitch. Is she oblivious to her blameshifting? Is it subconcious or is she fully aware but doing it as a facade?

[This message edited by allatsea at 10:27 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]