SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So as long as she gives you a good time line you are fine with all of this.

Tell her to get a job now. Cancel all trips. Sell some stuff off.

Anon you are paralyzed.

As a Doctor what do you recommend? Stevesn list is a good way to begin to heal your paralysis.

She has spent your family to the poor house. Get a financial adviser.

She left your marriage a while ago. Follow suit with a divorce.

She hates her children. Save them by packing her bags, kick her out and changing the locks.

Get mad, punch a pillow! STOP BEING SO GOD DAMNED NICE!

I am thinking at the moment I will ask her for a timeline of the A and for NC, and will file for D if not satisfied. Any thoughts?

File first. Watch what happens.

Filing for divorce is not the same as divorcing. You'll have a long time to think things through.

I have patience and have decided to move on with my life without her... just not to divorce her. I think she will realize that. I have planned a number of trips and places to disappear to on my own when I have week days off.

This is very wrong thinking. There is no "moving on" if you won't seriously let yourself go the divorce route. Words are meaningless, to both you and WW.

The message you're sending is this: "Sure honey, fuck whoever you want. Lie is much as you want. Spend as much of our money as you want. I'm going to start golfing on Tuesdays. That'll show you!"

Without the context of serious, impending divorce (not just words), this will just be the story of a man who allows his wife to cheat on him while he pays for it in any number of ways.

Ok, it sounds like you want to move forward but you are not sure how.

It's clear your WW plan is to rugsweep and let it blow over. She isn't going to say or do anything if you don't push the issue. Her hope is that she can have "her" vacation and then sweep everything under the rug with "your" vacation.

She's not doing anything so you are going to need to. With your anxiety and confrontational nature I'd try to get a mediator. But who? Could/would your counselor do it? If she says no, could you use her therapist?

I asked her to stop spending last night because we can’t pay the mortgage. The lawyer said he would have suggestions for this.

What did she say to this. She seems to be in La La land booking additional vacations, taking money from the kids college money, add-on to her trip. Was she surprised money was tight?

I am thinking at the moment I will ask her for a timeline of the A and for NC, and will file for D if not satisfied. Any thoughts?

This is a start. Steven gave you a good list of additional requirements. Maybe, ask for the timeline, implement the money saving then line a mediator for the talk about the affair, lies, and divorce talk.

Good update, was glad to hear that you are moving forward.

I think she knows the jig is up. However, we are playing games and I want that to stop. She will try to figure out how to take control back (she is so disgusting to me ATM her usual methods won’t work). I am thinking at the moment I will ask her for a timeline of the A and for NC, and will file for D if not satisfied. Any thoughts?

I'd skip all the discussions and just file. I'll be honest, between the cheating and the spending, I'm thinking that over the long haul you're unlikely to be happy with this woman.

Even if you truly wanted R, cheaters don't take you seriously until they KNOW you're willing to leave them. On DDay in my own situation, I told my WH that I didn't care to hear any of the details, it was over. He was going his way and I was going mine. We'd been married over 30 years, but I meant it and he knew I meant it. At that point, it was up to him to change MY mind, not the other way around. And guess what?.. we're still married.

You're situation is complicated by dealing with a doctor's schedule and commitments. Put a network of loved ones together and let them help you. Stick with your attorney's advice, see a financial planner, get daycare lined up for the children, and put your 180 in high gear. If your WW can pull her head out of her hindquarters, let it be on her to change YOUR mind.

No real action from you. She is still in control.

She's bankrupting you, cheating with another man and you are still paralyzed. Like many your fear is ruling you at the moment. If you can't fix that you'll wallow in this awhile.

She put you where you are but you are the one keeping you there.

Find your anger, anon. Please. You are funding her infidelity. Why aren't you divorcing her? She divorced you a long time ago? Why do you keep asking us for thoughts? You are asking the same questions over and over.

An M.D. has to think logically, analyze and take definitive steps of action to help, heal and save people. Where is that man? Bring him to the forefront in this situation. YOU HAVE CANCER. YOU HAVE terminal cancer in your home and you aren't going to cut it out? I am 100% PRO R for those with remorseful or even trying spouses. You don't have that. You have a sick cancerous situation and you refuse the treatment. You have taken some steps to move forward, and that is great! But you are still in denial. You are the patient that goes to the Dr. Listens politely and nods their head and then goes home and doesn't take the medicine or do what the Dr. prescribed to get well. This patient made forward movement, but they didn't follow through. Follow through and file, what possible advantage could there be to not filing? She doesn't love you or your kids. Roomates? And you fund her fuck-fests? Save yourself.

At the beginning of your thread, you informed your wife that if she meet with AP on this trip, you were done.

She even asked if you wanted her to cancel the trip.

You both knew that she was going to meet up with him.

We are taught from an early age the reasoning of 'consequences'. As a parent you will be teaching this to your children.

Yet on her return, what consequences are there. 180!!!! She will be glad that you don't interact with her right now.

As you ought to know, if no real consequence occurs, things will just continue on.

Sorry about this 2x4 but how can someone so intelligent be so clueless(and that's saying it nicely).

You may not have started the infidelity, but you can end it.

File! Then there's weight to anything you say; proof you will take action. Right now, youbhave so much ammo but you aren't acting at all.

You don't HAVE to follow through with divorce, but keep those cards close. File and act like that's the only path. Because right now? It truly is. Unless she radically wakes up and clues in and then is CAPABLE of putting in actual work. File first. Talk after.

She is playing for time. She thinks if she can avoid confrontation and the subject of her A over time things will get back to normal.

It is a mistake to offer her any kind of excuse. I know how hard that is. Instinctually we think if we say we are not perfect it will open the door to a deeper discussion. Take a step and be honest with yourself: did you say that in the hopes she would show some remorse or empathy?

Humans behave that way often. People fish for compliments because they are insecure. What most fail to realize is that behavior tends to create the opposite impression in the other person than they hoped.

You are not 50% responsible for the problems in your marriage. Period.

Remind yourself of this.

At this point, I see nothing in her behavior that makes her a candidate for R. I would talk to your lawyer on Monday and discuss next steps.

Stevesn had a great way forward. I would do that if u have even a chance of reconciliation in your heart. The IC and even MC if u make it that far would be good for you moving forward and help yo u make sense of it even when there is no sense to be made.

Bud, I am a pretty confident masculine guy and when I found out I had no balls...and I mean none left to make decisions or buck what she said. Only reason I was able to move ahead quickly was because I had been cheated on before and knew I had to file and move forward, but anything else that wasn't predetermined in my mind I had difficulty with and she ran over me for a while.

You need to grasp the reigns. Talk in the mirror good self help talk, this helped be realize my ego again after she crushed it. Build yourself up and take control. You are in the driver's seat on where this goes. I would implement Stevesn's plan. If moves u to divorce but leaves the door cracked should she do everything u need and you can still pull the plug after. Your way better off than she is, run your life don't let her do it for you.

Best of luck it sucks man, it sucks real bad but it WILL get better.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 4:12 PM, March 18th (Sunday)]

If you can't confront face to face, cut and paste Stevesn's post into a letter and give it to her. Then stick to it. Please?! For you and your kids!

I guess I skipped some posts but just realize you said she's using a different name and pretending to be a doctor? My gawd. The FIRST thing you need to do (besides the 180) is tell the OM's wife or girlfriend, if he has one. That will bring it to a screeching halt fast.

Another vote for stevesn’s plan. He’s right on the money. The absolute worst thing you can do is stay in infidelity. The 180 isn’t a plan for staying in limbo hell and avoiding the issue. You need a plan to get OUT of infidelity. Stevesn laid it out for you. Time to implement.

We all know how hard this is. You will feel SO much better once you assert control over your life again. The time is NOW.

Stevensn's letter. Great advice.

I AGREE with DIFM. Stevensn's letter is excellent

Steven’s letter is an amazing l, amazing thing. You should seriously just cut and paste it.

My one recommendation is to also make slnote that there are no guarantees with reconciliation. You do not know where your needs will lead you in the upcoming months.

Hi anon,

You do so much good for others, please protect your finances so you and your kids are safe.

Okay, here’s the update. Apologies to those who thought I wasn’t going to confront her... she slept for nearly 18 hours and I had to wait for the kids to be asleep, too. For the record, I’m not entirely spineless. I have a big problem with measured response. I will go from nicely denying a patient pain medication to screaming at them loud enough for the whole hospital to hear. I often avoid conflict so that I’ll avoid losing my temper. Neither was an option here.

First, the stuff I believed. WW started by saying she would tell me everything. Bawled her eyes out and admitted to all including physical affair. Told me it was all her fault and did not blame me. Apologized many times and *seemed* to mean it. It started because she felt hopeless in life and that she was nothing. She has achieved nothing and feels inferior to me in intelligence and social stature. Kids don’t make her feel accomplished and she acknowledged it was stupid but she couldn’t help he way she felt. She met OM in a depression chat room and traveled to meet him. He is a married man, she doesn’t know his real name but calls him “Bill”. She admitted to using the apps I found on her phone to communicate.

Now the parts of her story I doubt. WW told me they could not have intercourse because he had erectile dysfunction. Admitted to groping, heavy petting, kissing, etc. This *might* be true because the sexting messages... how shall I say? He seemed clinically disappointing. Also, I hadn’t figured out why she texted him that she had bought him a vibrator/dildo. She also told me that she called him while away during this trip and said she could never see him again. She said she did not meet him this trip. I find that nearly unbelievable, am I to believe she went to Sydney by herself? Our friend said she didn’t want her to come along while WW said she invited our friend. Hmmm...

Overall it was productive. She agreed to write a no contact letter (and have no contact) and would give me a timeline. She is going to IC on Tuesday and will schedule marriage counselling. She also agreed to start looking for a job and will get a primary care doctor and STD testing. I told her that I had informed her family she had expressed suicidal ideation and was traveling secretly to NZ (I didn’t tell her I had implied what she was really doing but never told them outright).

I will ask her to show me her messages on her phone. She will need to delete the apps. I will need passwords and access to credit cards, phone. Some things I thought could wait a little bit. I need to clear up what happened on this last trip. I felt the urge to have sex with her (not sure why) and I think she would have. I resisted, not sure when the right time for this would be, but I didn’t want to cloud my judgement (more than it already is).

[This message edited by anon789 at 7:16 AM, March 19th (Monday)]

She's been on these trips a few times (and for "kissing" and "groping")? Yeah right. Pull my other leg and it plays Jingle Bells.

Why is she agreeing to get tested for STD if there was just "kissing" and "groping"?

Did she say if she found him attractive ? Her type ?

And yes, you need to get to the bottom of going to Sydney - alone ?

Why did she go back the second time if the first time was so unsatisfying ?