SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((((D))))))

My dear friend...not a day goes by that I don't tell SO that I am worried about you. You are such a wonderful person and you have so much to offer, I just wish you could see it.

I know that you have have been dealt a shitty hand. I wish I could turn that around for you, but I can't. You deserve so much more. If your SO couldn't give you 100% of herself then she wasn't ready for a relationship.

I realy do worry about you my firend. PLeas take care of yourself.

what needs to change is you and your mindset

So very true.

I accept total blame and responsibility for this situation.

I have been living on hopes and dreams and possibilities. Not in reality.

I could have seen this situation a mile away had I not been blinded by hope and what I thought might be possible.

She cannot or will not move out of a comfort zone, or in her mind, a situation where she feels she has no control.

And the responses I have gotten from her have shown that no matter what I do, it is on her terms, or not at all.

Her terms are to allow her mother to eventually warm up to me and the idea of she and I seeing each other. That the day would someday come.

And after all this time in my life, I am all out of "somedays".

I like Bon Jovi, my Jersey boy rocker, who really sums it up.

"It's my life, it's now or never. I ain't gonna live forever. I wanna live while I'm alive"

We only get so many days on this planet.

I've already lost too many to sit and wait for dreams that may never come.

-Defiance

I often think this. It must be so difficult on you both mentally and *physically* to lurch back and forth like this. It wears the body down.

It is, and it does.

It's that part of me that is trying so desperately to find joy and happiness in a life otherwise ruled by incredible stress, overwhelming obstacles, and impending doom.

-Defiance

Thank you, Cant.

You are such a wonderful person and you have so much to offer, I just wish you could see it.

I see it. I know it. Doesn't seem to make much difference.

After all, I'm sitting here again for 3 weeks in this wonderful little cabin overlooking a lake, alone. As it always is.

-D

But you argue with every suggestion anybody makes about ways to get the fuck out of all this bullshit.

Move somewhere where it's cheaper and where you can find a job? No no, you can't leave Jersey.

Make minimal payments to that c*** of an ex-wife of yours and let her take you to court, which will take fucking *months* since as you've said in the past the NJ courts are jam packed with guys trying to get their alimony reduced, in which time your dad will *not be spending his $$$* trying to keep up with it...no, can't do that.

Here's what I worry about Defiance, just gonna lay it on the line. I'm worried that for some reason in your emotional state, the idea of cashing things in and going out in some sort of guns-blazing act seems more reasonable to you than moving. out. of. NJ. I'm not saying that you're about to go kill yourself or somebody else. I'm saying that reading your posts over the years there seems to be an issue of learned helplessness on smaller, more reasonable, doable things, with this underlying threat that you feel at some point you're just going to EXPLODE and do something absolutely nuts. Extremes, Defiance. Extremes. Zero to WARRGARRBL.

I do wish you could find somebody to help you. Do you watch Entourage? It makes me think of Johnny Drama, and how all it took on this week's ep for him to see what a wonderful professional opportunity was being laid out for him was a woman helping him to see it. I think there are some guys who just need women more than other guys do, to show them who they are and what they can be, and you are one of those guys, and if you could find someone, perhaps she could help you see that you *can* move out of New Jersey, for example.

[This message edited by ladyvorkosigan at 7:56 AM, September 1st (Wednesday)]

Why do you accept a relationship that is so limiting?

When I can find in myself the answer to this question, I will be on my way to healing and making better choices in my future.

Why don't you think you deserve more?

My experiences have shown me that no matter how hard I try, or how much I love them, I lose them in the end. I am not sure it's that I don't feel I deserve more. I do. I just can't seem to get it right.

Why do you think you can change the world?

There is still this glimmer, this very faint flame inside of me that believes. That I am such a good, loving, caring and gentle man. And that somehow, someway, I would be worth the effort. That someone who wanted that badly enough would make even the slightest effort or changes to have it, and me.

Did part of you get involved with this woman because she was unavailable and therefore safer?

No, I really don't think so. From the outset I wanted a real relationship, with time together (alone), and a chance to enjoy each others company.

Did part of you feel like you could save her from her miserable dependence?

Nope, I don't do the KISA role. What I thought was that she could save herself from it.

-D

Sorry, D, I am not familiar with this particular story/issue...but I am proud of you for setting *Boundaries*!

((((hugs)))

LadyV,

I am looking to move out of NJ. I am looking at ways to find work in areas in the Northeast that I can survive on. That includes up here in the mountains of NY State where I am now, Eastern PA, and New England.

I am looking for someone to help me. I have been trying to find an IC who deals with men who have been abused. I then need to find the money to pay for it, since I have none, and no insurance.

Hence the reason why I am ramping up and getting serious about a job search.

I am doing productive things on my behalf. I have now created a host of products based on my photography work and have them for sale in a public marketplace, online.

In recent weeks, finally, I am starting to pull myself up and out of this hole and this cycle and trying to get my life back.

I'm pretty limited in what I can do with regard to the ex, and this is one thing that really has me in a bind.

Nobody will accept that decision. (for me to make tiny payments to her).

She is now disabled.

My kids still live there.

My dad thinks in terms of benevolence and in supporting her (and the kids).

If I go off and decide I can't do it anymore, I lose the acceptance and love of the only people I have left in the world. My father and my children. Who all believe that I should support her/them at this point in time.

This is the single largest obstacle I have facing me in my life. A court ordered payment for life that is enough to kill someone who makes a decent living, let alone one who is unemployed.

The only way out of this hole?

Money. And that is why I am finally getting my ass in gear for real and looking for work and trying to make it.

And that means I am looking outside of NJ, and my comfort zone.

-D

{{{{D}}}}

You deserve so much more! We all do...somehow, someway, we will all find our happiness again...we have to have faith that it will happen.

I am guilty of trying to rush this along as well...but you know, we just have to stop...turn to ourselves and slow down! It will happen, not on our time...but the universes times!

D....you have been a great help to many people on this board...you take wonderful pictures and you share them with us here. You are on the right track...you will get there...there is someone out there to love you with all their might...someone to adore YOU! She will appear...

D-

I'm so sorry you are suffering through this. You have an amazing soul, and over the course of the past years, I've prayed for happiness and peace to find it's way into your heart.

I've no grand words or solutions, and can only offer *hugs* to you and to remind you that so many people out in this world care greatly for you and wish you only the best.

My experiences have shown me that no matter how hard I try, or how much I love them, I lose them in the end.

Or you let them go because they were not right for you. Doing that is growth, not moving backwards. But what I am concerned about is what you are learning from these experiences. From your marriage to your post-divorce relationships, what have you learned about yourself, about what you want in a relationship, about what you will not tolerate, about what pleases you the most, about what kind of person really resonates with you.

You see, I think you're so focused on the rejection aspect (even when it is you ending the relationship) that you don't see that each relationship is an opportunity to learn. Lord knows I've had my share of "learning experiences."

When we are closed to introspection and learning at the end of a relationship, we are pretty much destined to make a similar gaffe in the future. Right?

I would be worth the effort. That someone who wanted that badly enough would make even the slightest effort or changes to have it, and me.

Are you measuring your own worth with other people? This seems to be a common theme--that you aren't valued "enough" by your relationship partners.

What does valued enough look like to you?

Is "valued enough" something that is do-able for someone, or could "valued enough" be an impossible task for a normal person? I ask this because if we don't evaluate what we think we need in terms of being reasonable, sometimes what we think we need is truly UN-reasonable.

From the outset I wanted a real relationship, with time together (alone), and a chance to enjoy each others company.

But you deliberately chose someone who would have to make massive changes in order to be that kind of relationship partner. It's like being a super-fit triathlete and choosing a pudgey, smoking couch potato as a relationship partner and saying, "I want us to run marathons together and climb mountains every weekend and to live a super-active lifestyle centered around physical activities." Unrealistic, no?

My observation? That you are focused on what others think of you (the value proposition) that you are not valuing YOURSELF enough to be more discerning in your selection. Because you came to an impasse in this relationship does not necessarily mean that she does not value YOU enough--it means you were not valuing YOURSELF enough and needed to end the relationship to free yourself for something better for YOU.

Cat

If I go off and decide I can't do it anymore, I lose the acceptance and love of the only people I have left in the world. My father and my children. Who all believe that I should support her/them at this point in time.

You don't have to do exactly what someone else thinks you ought to do in order to be loved and accepted by them. Are you talking about this bizarre idea that you've shared in the past that your grown children will be angry at you if you cut off their gravy train? Defiance, if this is true, then I don't know that the kind of love they've learned to have for you is the kind that's good for any of you. You are not a beast of burden. You may lay down your load and walk away. I know you've spent decades being conditioned otherwise, but look outside the window. It doesn't have to be this way. The chances that you will be extradited from another state and sent to prison for sending only good faith alimony payments are extremely low.

For the amount of money you have sent this woman over the past year, you could have a house in a reasonably decent neighborhood in my town half paid off. I am willing to bet that someone on SI or someone known to someone on SI has the ability and willingness to give you a chance.

You have to save yourself. Shift your paradigm.

[This message edited by ladyvorkosigan at 8:45 AM, September 1st (Wednesday)]

Why do you you have to accept blame? I'm not sure there needs to be blame. You went into something, tried it, and figured out it wouldn't work for you. Luckily before it went further. It added something to your life, and to hers as well. Learn something and move on.

Your posts do strike me as being kinda drama, oh woe is me. Kind of a poetic half-empty glass. Like trying to take ALL the blame and responsibility. Nobody said that. You went there. Could you have recognized or admitted some stuff sooner? Sure, but so could I in my last relationship. So could that poster over there. It doesn't make us bad people--it makes us people.

D - I don't think this has to be so tough.

You. Weren't. Right. For. Each. Other.

Period. The End.

The one common bond you have (nature photography) wasn't enough to overcome all the other ways you aren't compatible. You desired fundamental things in a relationship and she didn't.

We chatted when this R began and I voiced my concerns over the substance and structure of this relationship. As your friend, I backed off to let myself be proven wrong.

I really don't think you need to be so hard on yourself.

In the simplest of terms, it just didn't work out.

Being with someone is just one facet of life, one layer of our healing. It's not everything.

Perhaps focusing on all the other good and extremely positive things you have going right now is the answer.

AJ's MOM

First, I want to say that I wholeheartedly agree with what both WWW and Lady V said. I've wanted to say something similar to you, but I don't really know how to approach you in a helpful manner...

One thing that seems clear about your relationship, though - is that this woman is an adult, and she is making an adult choice for the life that SHE wants. She may say she doesn't, but her actions speak louder than words - haven't we all learned that here on this site?

I'm sorry that her life and what you want don't mesh. I do think it would be great for you to find someone to share your time and your joys with (photography), but she obviously isn't that person. Bullying her isn't going to morph her into that person either, and I sensed some really scary anger in your first post. yikes...

I know you said you are looking for some help, and I know it is tough without insurance. I wish I knew the answer... maybe some sort of state funded thing??? I really do think you need some help - more than what anyone here at SI can give...

ETA: I'm no doctor, but I'd like to make one other guess, based on what I've seen lately in your posts... like WWW said about being all over the place, and your posts being increasingly dramatic - in extremes.

Makes me think Bi-polar... would this be something you've ever noticed signs of at other times in your life?

[This message edited by stupidstupidme at 8:28 AM, September 1st (Wednesday)]

You have to save yourself. Shift your paradigm.

Yes. This is what I need to do.

You are also correct, LadyV...

I have paid my ex wife now close to $170,000.00 in alimony in the last 4.5 years.

She lives in a 4 bedroom duplex, with her boyfriend there most of the time, and my two grown children.

I live in my father's loft bedroom with what is left of my life sitting in boxes in the living and dining room, and a storage facility.

I can't survive going on like this.

And something has to change. And it has to be me.

-D

[This message edited by Defiance at 8:30 AM, September 1st (Wednesday)]

Perhaps focusing on all the other good and extremely positive things you have going right now is the answer.

Trying to, ajsmom. And thanks for your help and counsel, now and in the past.

-D

Your posts do strike me as being kinda drama, oh woe is me. Kind of a poetic half-empty glass. Like trying to take ALL the blame and responsibility.

I do. And I am trying hard to break my "training". Spent a very long time in a very abusive marriage being blamed constantly for the state of her unhappiness. When things failed, I took the brunt. I took the blame. At one point, I had my ex and my son telling me that I was a worthless husband, and a worthless father.

It's hard getting past that. I'm trying.

-D

Fuck 'em all.

There are birds everywhere.

Makes me think Bi-polar... would this be something you've ever noticed signs of at other times in your life?

Lived for 23 years with a severe manic bipolar. I sure know it well. And I have applied that knowledge when looking at myself.

What I believe I am dealing with now is not bipolar, but more due to combined and increasing stress (over a period of years and years) and if anything, depression. And when I do find something that brings me joy and happiness, I exude that.

Some of what I am feeling and exhibiting is as a result of persistent and long term emotional abuse in my marriage. One thing I am seeking counseling for. My reactions to some things I have found seem to be directly related to those experiences, and they are not healthy for me.

I would also say that I probably have some degree of PTSD.

You simply cannot have gone through what I have without some lasting and very damaging effects.

-D