SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just an update...

No need to demand access to her phone. I cracked her code and look a look last evening, but saw no incriminating messages or texts. Doesn't mean she couldn't have deleted them, though.

Last night I went out for a few drinks with my best friend (the only one I have told about this). She was pretty drunk when I came home and left her phone out.

I went in and checked - no messages or texts, but I was able to access her chat logs. Not what she said, just the responses.

So, here's what I saw with some OTHER dude (just his side)

I’m ready to get off work

Yes, since Friday morn

Yes, esp for something like that

I don’t like country

I could see some serious screwing going on with this

Lets try it out lol

R u really

Been there, done that, will never do it again

You don’t have to worry about adultery, it doesn’t mean shit anymore, unless you make a shit more than he does, then he may be able to get alimony, you just have to look up the rules on alimony

Don’t think that’s enough I would hold off until the divorce is final

Bet so, you need to slip away one day and lets have a few. Blow off some steam

Mmmmmmm, makes the mind wander

Lol

You don’t need to be doing that

When ru planning on filing

Damn, you still living in the same house

Oh, ok bet you can’t wait

If your doing that he damn sure should try to pull no shit, and if he does remind him you are entitled to half of everything so he better not push it, that’s ga law

That’s what I know, that’s why I’m saying. If he tries to slow it down threaten him with half, I bet he will shut up

Geez. Then I went upstairs, she woke up and just attacked me (hey, I'm not gonna turn down any "heavy bonding")

I really think she's scared that I'm about to leave and she's trying to get attention or sympathy from other sources. There was another chat I saw that wasn't sexual but definitely implied that they were having a conversation about an impending divorce (and that I laid some "guilt trip" on her..curious as to what that might be)

I know now what I should do. Question is, do I have the strength?

[This message edited by Cannon at 9:02 AM, June 12th (Sunday)]

Cannon, I'm so sorry but now it's right in front of you. These quotes are so damning.

When ru planning on filing

Damn, you still living in the same house

Oh, ok bet you can’t wait

If your doing that he damn sure should try to pull no shit, and if he does remind him you are entitled to half of everything so he better not push it, that’s ga law

That’s what I know, that’s why I’m saying. If he tries to slow it down threaten him with half, I bet he will shut up

You will be strong. I promise. Please go to an attorney Monday morning and start the process to file ASAP. You're done with the game. She's making a fool of you and the family, and most especially, herself. Time to kill the drama once and for all.

Look, I also wasn't sure I could survive a divorce after 20 years of marriage, and 4 kids. The pain was incredible and paralyzing. That was 4 years ago. I'm much more happy now, and my life has a rhythm that is predictable and hopeful. There is no more bad feelings, hopeless concerns, questioning of sanity, or feeling used and lied to.

Once you launch this effort with an attorney, you will feel the strength. You are taking control of you and your children's lives again.

Here's the crazy thing...I know she's doing it still, but I really don't believe her heart's in it.

I think she's disappointed I'm still on the fence and she's doing what she can to have (As she admits) a backup, or at least someone who makes her feel better about herself.

Not that it excuses her behavior, though.

I'm wondering if I need to go ahead and pull the trigger now (don't know if you've read the whole thread, but we do have a mediation agreement in place; all we need is a lawyer to file it) or if I should just wait and see how the first counseling appointment goes next week.

I would guess it's like a fight. If you swing first it better be a good one so nothing or next to nothing comes back and levels you.

I would guess the big "D" would have to be handled in the same way. If you can inundate her with all sorts of legal maneuvers that will hold up in court then great, go ahead and file. However, if you are filing out of emotion and just to get a reaction it probably will come back and bite you in the butt!!

You better ACT! If you wait and then re-act you might as well grease up and bend over. This woman is GONE! She's just trying to position herself. Read the "handwriting on the wall!"

Did I read this right? Did you find another OM, evidence of cheating, plans of how she is going to fuck you over in divorce -- AND THEN YOU HAD SEX WITH HER???!!!

Does she have a magic pussy? Forgive my crudeness, but really! Wtf?! Does sex with WW just fog your brain with poison idiot gas?

You matter Cannon. You are a person of worth. Your children matter. This is abuse. This is like a man who hits his wife and then buys her a new outfit. Don't let her buy you off so easily. Divorce this POS. Find a good woman. They exist.

I think you're mindfucked. This is so messed up. She needs consequences. Unless you like being a cuckold, like its a kink or something -- get out. Don't tolerate this.

Oh and hey, her heart is in it. And probably the rest of her too.

Cannon, yes - I did read your whole post. You're stuck in your own fog - believing that she really doesn't want a divorce, but not respecting you nor planning any kind of future.

Honestly - please shake off that fog and re-read what you're posting. Try to read it as a best friend might listen to the story. You know exactly what you would say - move on, my friend. Start down a new path, and one that is filled with promise, not compromise.

You asked if you should go ahead and pull the trigger?

Yes you should.

How many chances have you given her, and she's still pulling the same crap, this time with OM#3?

You deserve better.

You don’t need to be doing that

When ru planning on filing

Damn, you still living in the same house

Oh, ok bet you can’t wait

If your doing that he damn sure should try to pull no shit, and if he does remind him you are entitled to half of everything so he better not push it, that’s ga law

That’s what I know, that’s why I’m saying. If he tries to slow it down threaten him with half, I bet he will shut up

I'd bet she has already been to a lawyer and is getting her ducks in a row while you support her.

told her on D-Day I was demanding an STD test and she said she had one (she had just recently been to the OBGYN)

It wasn't too long ago that she had sex with someone else. There are things that don't show up for a while AND more importantly what proof do you have that she actually got tested. Tell her to get proof or get tested again and YOU need to get tested as well.

Facebook and the cell phone have facilitated things to a great degree.

Ask her to delete her FB account. If she truly wants R she will (at least for a while). And reinstall that keylogger.

Here’s what hurt the most, though, and this was also true in some other messages I saw of hers back in January: she mischaracterizes me to others as an abusive monster. She told some people (friends if hers I don’t know) that I “pushed her around” and she had to leave (absolutely untrue). She told OM#2 that I would “beat the shit out of her” if I found out and later, after she saw that I was serious about divorce, she told him “it’s getting bad here – I have to leave soon – he pulled my hair and called me a slut”.

Get VARs and get them around your house and with you. There is a good chance she is setting you up to look like an abuser in the divorce. All she has to do is get one of these OM to put a couple of bruises on her and then she goes to the cops and YOU ARE SCREWED!!!

Take your life back and get strong, not only for you , but for your children.

Brother, I feel for you. A lot of BS on SI are women, but there are plenty of men, too.

First, I sympathize with you feeling a lot of internal rage. It's completely understandable. I'd suggest IC, even if it's only so you have someone else to talk it out with in person. Spitting it out and processing it is half the battle.

As for your WW... I also sympathize with you wanting to stay together for your kids. However, you've caught her multiple times now, and she has had multiple opportunities to stop. Can you be OK with that? Different people answer that question differently, but your kids deserve longterm peace at home... it's hard to see them with that if she can't help herself even after she is caught.

As for the her lying about you being violent... I had to deal with a bit of that, too. My WW told OM#2 that I had knocked her into a mirror, causing her to need stitches. Nothing of the sort ever happened. No mirror broken, no fight in the bedroom during her affair... nothing. It's probably her way of gaining sympathy from OM, who has every reason to move on to some other woman with less drama involved.

One day at a time, friend. Sorry you're here.

OK, I just caught up with those most recent text messages you found.

To review the record:

1) You've caught her multiple times

2) She's struggling hardcore without her meds, but refuses to take them all regularly

3) She's STILL chatting with OM about divorce, screwing you over in divorce, etc.

We all go through some degree of this. We do. However, the successful BS here have spouses who changed in meaningful ways after they were discovered. They were remorseful, honest, open and in touch with the massive trauma they caused.

I'm sorry, man. I think she's gone, and I think you and your kids will be better off when she is.

My uncle's first wife raised two boys successfully after a divorce from an institutionalized wife, and he eventually remarried. They all lived on happily -- without her.

Cannon, hi. You've been putting up with this for a year and a half? What has changed in that time? Looks like she has gotten more brazen and continues to play you and you're allowing her to. Read up on the 180 and other tactics to SAVE YOURSELF.

After reading that email you posted with just om's replies, it's not hard to read between the lines and know what she was saying to him.

GET PISSED and speak with your lawyer ASAP and start making plans to protect yourself, your children, and your assets.

I'm sorry you're here, it's so very painful and heartbreaking to be betrayed. Hugs to you and your children.

Others have said it but maybe one more time is magic.

You have been more than generous with the gift of R.

She has dumped on it many times.

It is very difficult to begin to detach from someone who is in your face and your bedroom. You need to 180 to gain strength and clarity. You appear to be very confused about what your next move should be.

It is long past time to take control of this.

I believe you should force her to move to the rental.

Tell her you need time to decide what to do.

Tell her she is not to contact you except regarding the children for 1 month.

Tell her she must earn another chance by doing what ever you think must be done to earn your respect and love and an opportunity to R. I'm thinking her continuing her medications should be part of the duties she needs to fulfill.

And most important Set your boundaries and mean it.

Read!!! Read everything you can get your hands on. You deserve to be treated like a husband, loved cherished and honored.

It is sad that your children have to live this life and hopefully they don't learn this is how a marriage functions.

I am so sorry you're here and living through this. It must be a terrible struggle with a wife who has true mental health issues plus the infidelity fog

[This message edited by bumbed at 11:38 PM, June 12th (Sunday)]

Sorry you are going through so much chaos. My mom was bipolar and it's a serious illness. Medication and therapy/monitoring are crucial. If you're not ready to ask her to leave, read up on the 180 and think about an intervention if there are people who would help you whose opinions matter to her. Family members or her friends, probably not. Is there a coworker of hers who knows about her erratic behavior? Bipolar with no meds, in my opinion, is worse than an alcoholic who's drinking every day. My husband is an alcoholic so I know. I staged an intervention with two of his coworkers and their wives. They knew his drinking had become severe as much or if not more than me and could threaten his job. She may need some in-patient treatment. Think about making some calls to fascilities and check on insurance. I didn't think my husband would agree to go for help but he did and he's three 1 1/2 years sober. Maybe she's crying for help? It's just a long shot. No excuses for how miserable she's made you and you have to do what's best for you. Take all the ideas and hopefully something will help you get out if this chaotic situation.

Trying not to judge.

Really you need to step away from her before your mind gets any more twisted around.

I understand believe me.

I have stepped away from my WH because he pulls me into some strange ways of thinking and I have called BULLSHIT now several times and he does not know what to say and that is good.

Still good luck with it all.

Wow, thanks for everything you guys.

This community has been so awesome for me the last few weeks.

Anyway, last night, I told her some things about how I was feeling, then I made some demands:

1) Full disclosure

2) Full access to phone and facebook

3) No contact with the PA (OM#2)

4) IC and MC

She started acting a little put out at first and started with. "Here's what I need" and I refused to let that happen. I even said that just her tone and body language is telling me that she's not willing to do this. WW is one stubborn lady, and I was expecting this response, really. I said that I hadn't seen the kind of response I was lookign for, and she said, "Do you want me to literally beg on my knees?" I said no, but if it was me, I'd be dying to go through with whatever was asked of me without reservation.

She cracked a little and said she's still emotionally numb. Then she began full disclosure. She answered all of the questions I had, and was even forthcoming about being the chat stuff I found (she didn't know I knew about that).

We had a really good conversation about lots of things from last fall that we never really got out. It was healthy and felt positive.

I've "armchair" psychoanalyzed her affairs and determined that these guys are all former high school people she's reunited with on fb. She goes to them because her self-esteem is (and always has been) SUPER low (due to some bad events in her early childhood) and she needs affirmation from those who remember her as the super popular, Homecoming court class Valedictorian. It kind of makes sense when you think about it.

At this point we said lets sleep on it. More talking tonight.

Not a done deal yet (either way). I feel like I have to apologize to you "just move ON" guys, but I'm really trying every avenue and opportunity to help save this for the family. I'm convinced that if we can hang on until our counseling appointment we can make some real headway.

I think the divorce talk (with others) is just her way of appearing strong. I know she hasn't hired a lawyer. It's her stubborn side that wants to give the illusion to others that she's in control. She knows she'd be SCREWED if we lawyered up. Big time.

More later, gotta run.

Again, THANKS to all!!

[This message edited by Cannon at 9:00 AM, June 13th (Monday)]

She needs NC with all of them, I think.

NC with OM#1 is pretty much understood.

She did tell me that he sent her an email asking how she was doing out of the blue this week (first time they've communicated in five months).

Odd timing there, no? I think because these are all people from her (small) hometown (including her best frind who knows what's going on now) that word is getting around.

This morning she game me a list of her passwords.

She just said she told the landlady that she'd let her know something today...I told her let's talk again tonight and she can just wait one more day

Cannon, your ww has told some frightening and horrendous LIES about YOU, i.e., how abusive you are, beating her up, etc., THAT is something that YOU should be very concerned about!!!

And her suddenly wanting to stay with you because she'll "have to get a second job", may be that she's just using you as her 'fallback' and 'safety net'.

She's throwing out some fishing lines to om...impending divorce, etc., she may just be trying to see if she can catch her next meal ticket?

Be careful. Her motivations are highly suspect right now.

Hi Cannon,

I have been watching your roller coaster, and I, too, am married to one afflicted with bipolar disorder. I recognize the constant shifting of, yes I'll do anything...to contact with the OM (s). Very frustrating that she is not consistent with her meds.

A word about counseling: Please do not assume you will make much headway at all for MONTHS, possibly years. WH decided recently that he no longer felt our MC was a good fit for him--this after a LOT of work and many months with her. I am feeling even LESS confident in our recovery and reconciliation as time goes on...