SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

UAB, I wouldn't go back to the way I felt in the days following July 29, 2012 for $1,000,000, but if I could, I would want myself to handle things the way you are. It's tough to even function when you're going through the anguish I know you're feeling right now, but believe it or not, you're dealing with this like a boss.

I don't have much advice for you that does anything more than reenforce what has already been offered, but be prepared for this guy to drop her like a hot potato as soon as you file for divorce and for her to try to come crawling back to you. He almost certainly isn't looking for a real relationship. He is very likely the sort of guy who gets off on seducing married women, breaking up their marriages and ditching them. I believe Dante wrote about a ring in hell for those types. How you respond when that happens is up to you, but when the time comes, consider your worth and decide whether or not you are willing to be Plan B.

[This message edited by h0peless at 3:27 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

U&B.

Take yourself off out.

Little bar nearby that serves cheap food and shows sport tv?

Keep out of her way til late, then bed down in spare room / couch.

Don't talk to her.

Get yourself a VAR to record any chance meetings / conversations.

This is to protect you.

Not your circus, and not your monkey.

Crickets

U&B.

Take yourself off out.

Little bar nearby that serves cheap food and shows sport tv?

Keep out of her way til late, then bed down in spare room / couch.

Don't talk to her.

Get yourself a VAR to record any chance meetings / conversations.

This is to protect you.

Not your circus, and not your monkey.

Crickets

I tried this before when I first exposed the affair and I cracked like an egg when she cried and said, "I thought you didn't want things to be this way? I thought you want to work things out. We can't do that if we don't talk."

What do I say/do when she brings that up again. I'm pretty sure she will tonight.

Honestly, if my WW was doing what yours is - going for weekend sack rides - and then tried that with me? I'd just laugh at her. Then say, "Sure you want to work it out - I pay your bills, you go screw on the weekends. Nah, I don't like that plan."

You just have to keep reminding yourself that you need to pay attention to DEEDS not WORDS.

She says she wants to work it out. She says she's sorry. She says she needs time to think. She says...a lot of bullshit.

What is she doing? Calling/texting OM. Driving two hours to screw him on the weekends.

What do you think she really wants to do?

It's all about her actions. Ignore everything else.

180ing in the house is really tough. Try to find friends/activities that keep you out of the house as much as possible. Consult your lawyer about getting out of the lease; find your own place. Hell, rent a room from someone for a couple $100 a month; live out of a shoebox if you have to. Detaching from the hoovering WW is key to preserving your sanity.

Oh, I don't doubt for a second that she's stringing me along when she says she doesn't know what she wants to do or when she pays lip service to maybe working through it.

I know I'm plan B.

So I'm removing that option.

But, I do love her, I don't think she's a bad person. She's a good person that made bad decision and did bad things. But, she can be her old self again. She has to get past the fog and be willing to accept the consequences of her actions and agree to get outside help for both of us together.

But, I don't really think she's going to. Not for a long, long time, if ever.

I think she's stringing me along until the kid graduates and then she's going to move down there. I have no doubt that is the plan right now.

I'm just not going to take her crap any more. 2 months, going on 3 is exhausting and torturous and I've had enough.

The psychology of adultery amazes me. It's incredible the things all the infidels say and do are very similar. They all think the same things. Crazy.

HAve you called the landlord to inquire about getting out of the lease early? Sometimes they are receptive to letting you slide as long as you stay & pay while they shop for a new tenant.

Worth a shot.

Good luck.

Also, doing the 180 while living together is certainly tough...but do able. Get out as much as you can. When home together don't speak unless spoken to...and even then keep responses short and devoid of emotion. Don't let her provoke you !!!

But, I do love her, I don't think she's a bad person. She's a good person that made bad decision and did bad things. But, she can be her old self again. She has to get past the fog and be willing to accept the consequences of her actions and agree to get outside help for both of us together.

You are talking in the past tense about her - "She MADE a bad decision, and DID bad things." No. She IS doing these things right under your nose, right now!

If I were you (and I'm not) I would file for a divorce. If she gets her head out of her rear you don't have to go through with it. She needs a wake-up call.

I know you love her. That's why you married her. That's why you gave her a second (third? fourth? fifth?) chance. And she shit all over it.

Which is why you need to take this thought and beat it to death with a tire iron:

I don't think she's a bad person. She's a good person that made bad decision and did bad things. But, she can be her old self again. She has to get past the fog and be willing to accept the consequences of her actions and agree to get outside help for both of us together.

She is a bad person. She is not in a fog. She is actively making choices to cheat. And throw it in your face. She is not accepting any consequences whatsoever.

That is the hardest thing for us BS to accept and to do. They are bad, and we have to do things we wouldn't do to those we love:

throw them out of the house. Cut off money. Divorce. Basically, give them consequences, not choices/options.

It's only when WE (the BSs) take charge and say, "Here are your choices and consequences" and then follow through, do we see any kind of movement by the WS.

More importantly, we start to get back control over our lives and regain our self-respect/esteem.

It has to be done. Take it out back and give it a good beating.

True. I go back and read what I wrote and I'm thinking, "Geez. I sound nuts."

I guess I just haven't wanted to face reality. Been in a fog of my own, I suppose.

I have to find the strength to beat that idea to death until I get it.

And oh my, I JUST NOW realized I typo'd when I created my username. It's UnlovedAndBroken... Broked isn't even a word. How did I manage that? Hahahaha... months of no sleep, that's how.

She's a good person that made bad decision

No a good person making a bad decision would be your best mate thinking that wearing socks with sandals is a good idea.

What your wife has done is a systematic, sustained and calculating assault on you and your marriage, while manipulating you as a provider for her son - and then leaves your poor boy, while she goes off for the weekend for a fuckfest.

That is NOT the actions of a good person, it is the actions of a Grade-A fucknugget!

[This message edited by MollyMoo at 4:21 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

Hard to argue with you on that point, Molly.

You are still so young, so if it does not work out - there are still plenty fish in the sea... and besides, you are 6 years younger than her... She will get tired of her grandfather pretty quickly... her loss.

No a good person making a bad decision would be your best mate thinking that wearing socks with sandals is a good idea.

That is NOT the actions of a good person, it is the actions of a Grade-A fucknugget!

Off topic but this get my vote for post of the week. Jesus !!!

You are still so young, so if it does not work out - there are still plenty fish in the sea... and besides, you are 6 years younger than her... She will get tired of her grandfather pretty quickly... her loss.

So true...I missed that he's only 32 !! No mortgage...no custody/child support battle. If at all possible my friend...pull yourself up by your bootstraps...file for divorce and never look back. You can walk away from this pretty clean...and you should. Sorry

[This message edited by Sybo at 4:27 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

True. I go back and read what I wrote and I'm thinking, "Geez. I sound nuts."

That's because you probably are right now! Don't minimize what you're going through. Discovering that your world isn't what you thought it was is a major psychological trauma. It takes time and a shit ton of strength to get through it. You have the benefit of a lot of experience and hindsight to draw on here and someday the things people are saying will make sense to you, but you aren't there emotionally yet. Please don't let that paralyze you.

I guess I just haven't wanted to face reality. Been in a fog of my own, I suppose.

We have our own sort of fog that we have to go through. It takes time to find your footing when you find out you've been standing on a false floor. Don't beat yourself up for that.

I have to find the strength to beat that idea to death until I get it.

A good way to do that is to think about how you would advise your son if he was going through what you're going through right now. Too often, we think our situations are different or special. That other people can't understand, that it isn't THEIR worlds that are falling apart. While that is true in some sense, affairs tend to follow very similar and predictable patterns, both on the part of the WS and of the BS.

[This message edited by h0peless at 4:27 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

Indeed, Sybo. It's a real zinger!

Down, true and not true. My WW grew up without her father. He ran away and never looked back. I helped her track him down and make contact with him about 5 years ago. And he still doesn't have much to do with her. Something about how his current spouse isn't comfortable with my WW being a reminder of his former life... Bullshit. The man is trash. So... daddy issues. Daddy issues ABOUND with that woman.

She's always had a thing for older men. She was the girl in high school that was dating college boys. And her first husband is 50 now. She's said before that I'm the first younger man she's ever dated. Likewise, I usually liked women that were a little younger than me, she was my first and so far only older woman.

Man, guys always get excited about daddy issues. I'll tell ya - they are FUN in the bedroom but AWFUL for the heart.

She's spent her whole life chasing older men and being defined by the men in her life. I think her FOO issues contribute greatly to what's going on now.

Hey 'broked' (you get a pass on that because we know your brain is fried)

So sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like torture.

The truth is that you are being systematically abused.

I really truly am sorry to say this, but your marriage seems irretrievably broken to me. I do not see how you could stay with someone who is being so cruel to you or how you could get past this even if she later stops seeing OM.

Please keep posting. You need to get this sorted out so you can find some measure of peace. You have your whole life ahead of you -- it is precious -- please do not sacrifice it for this woman.

Yes, it certainly is torture.

You know, I guess I didn't connect the dots on how this is abuse.

I have a tendency to put up with abuse. I mean... it's all I know. Thanks, FOO!

Tell her to pack her bags and get out NOW!!!! You are done being disrespected and if she wants to screw another man on the weekends she needs a different place to live during the week.

She just texted me right now...

"Your silence is unnerving. It makes me wonder what bomb you're about to drop on me."

Wow. Just, wow.