SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have to hand it to you coco, it sounds like you really did dish out some consequences to her. Scared the crap out of her if nothing else. In my opinion those efforts were misdirected, but it's obvious that we'll never agree about that.

One thing we can agree on - you didn't deserve any of this. I wish you continued healing.

I agree with coco on this...why can't people just feel what they feel and let others do the same! Why do people think others should always see it THEIR way??? Get over yourselves and feel what you want, but stop pushing your thoughts on everyone else!

Geeze! I thought we were here to support one another, not debate whose OPINION is right or wrong! There IS no right or wrong to this mess of infidelity!

Thank you!!

The judgy posts on only the WS being responsible isn't helpful to anyone.

For some, maybe that opinion works. For most, I don't think so.

Affair partners are certainly responsible for the damage as well. Absolutely. I was in a total rage at the asshole who fucked my wife in my house, and I had a right to be. But then I found out there were many more sex partners, and at that point I realized that bottom feeders are everywhere, and that they are best ignored because they just aren't worth the psychic energy.

Just my opinion. If the AP was your friend, that's its own special poison.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 1:03 AM, July 21st, 2015 (Tuesday)]

In my opinion those efforts were misdirected

And, that is fine for you, but it isn't for everyone else. I would never tell you to hunt your WW's AP and do anything to him. I wouldn't tell you to track his every move on the internet or follow him as he goes about his daily business. If you don't feel the need to confront him and give him what's for, good on you. Just don't tell me that I should be doing it your way.

I like the way Lark explained further the idea the way she understands it. When put the way she explained, it makes sense to me.

OnceInALifetime ~ I am so sorry your WW put you through that. My statement is, of course, a generalization and will not apply to every individual situation. I hope you are able to recover from the trauma inflicted on you.

I didn't start this thread to start any arguments. I really didn't. This was just one thing that struck me as I was rereading the book. I don't remember it from when I read it before, but that was very early on in this process and I don't think I had run across the, "It could have been anyone," and "Only your WH is responsible," comments.

I wouldn't tell you to track his every move on the internet or follow him as he goes about his daily business.

Why, because that would be obsessive behavior that would keep OM in my brain 24/7? I don't think anyone would think that would be sound advice.

If you don't feel the need to confront him and give him what's for, good on you.

Well, the punk never presented himself to me. Last I heard he moved out of state shortly after D Day. I decided to let him continue to be the craven little sneak he's always been. My real problem lived under the same roof as me.

Just don't tell me that I should be doing it your way.

OK, but what I'm offering is an opinion that I've consistently provided. I find it hard to believe that you started this thread with no idea that there would be disagreement. If you don't have a thick skin for dissent, I can't help that.

Why, because that would be obsessive behavior that would keep OM in my brain 24/7?

No, because it's not my business to tell you what to do. I can only give my opinion on what I would do, if it's asked for.

OK, but what I'm offering is an opinion that I've consistently provided.

Except that those kinds of statements are not just presenting one's opinion. It's giving (usually unsolicited) advice. Simply stating your opinion would go something like this, "I didn't find it productive to my recovery to give the AP any head space." That's much different from writing, "It's a waste of your time. Don't give them any head space. You'll only hurt yourself." By all means, state that when someone asks your advice on what they should do. But, advice not asked for is usually not appreciated.

I don't have a problem with dissenting viewpoints. Again, just don't tell me that I should do it your way.

I understand that intent and feeling don't always come across in written words on message boards and such. I also understand that many people don't have the time to respond in a more respectful manner. Or, they just don't see how their responses are disrespectful.

And again, I can't help it if you can't handle dissent or insist on focusing more on the perceived style of a message rather than its substance. You've just admitted to obsessing on your H's affair partner (he can go out this afternoon and create a brand new AP - if that happens are you going to obsess over her as well?) And in your "opinion", you handled things correctly. And you're spreading what I think is a harmful and unproductive message to others who are trying to heal. You're darn right I'm going to call that out. If your feathers are ruffled by that, so be it.

But in the interest of getting along:

I didn't find it productive to my recovery to give the AP any head space.

Unless its violent... I think its HURTFUL and INAPPROPRIATE to tell someone how they chose to deal with this shit sandwich.

You do WHATEVER YOU need in order to help YOU heal. We are ALL in the boat together

...some of us can swim and some of us need life vests. Is it really necessary to look down on someone who needs a vest? Or at someone who isn't a great swimmer?

The judgment is counter productive to the purpose of this forum. Accept that everyone's path is different and there is no right or wrong way to handle this.

I find the comment about cocos husband getting another AP rude, hurtful and offensive to those who have had multiple ddays

i actually prayed about this last night. i am tired of the woman of the oc having space in my head. he told me he told her he was married before they had sex. he told her he would leave his wife for her. i dont want it to matter because frankly how do i know he told her? maybe i am putting misguided anger towards her for no reason. the other part of me feels like she thought it was cute because a man would leave his wife for her and he did not...he was lying. now all these years she has to live with that. maybe she has spent these years lying to her child telling her about a relationship that was not real just a fling..maybe she told her husband things that was not true to make herself look innocent and not like a slut. these are maybes that i am tired of thinking about.

i want to ask her someday but i think the real truth maybe too much

he has other aps but she may be the one i have to deal with. i never did before because it was just a rumor but the child probably is his.

I agree Coco

Prissy, I'm sorry this thread topic, and my words in particular, are causing you pain. It wasn't uncommon for an SI thread topic to make me trigger, especially in the early days. Sometimes the best thing to do is just step away from a discussion that you find difficult.

I would just remind you that coco has described highly obsessive and destructive behaviors towards her WH's AP, and is saying that, in her opinion, that's a valid way to hold her husband and his AP "equally responsible." She also drug her husband's name into the mud (yes, I know that his actions made her want to do that, but we all have choices, and she chose to out him on a cheater website as well). That might make sense to her today, but if they successfully reconcile I guarantee you that in two years or so she'll deeply regret that.

At least two posters who have been here longer than she has and who have been trying to survive infidelity longer than she has believe that her approach is wrong. Apparently only supportive, confirming responses to this thread are welcomed. Except that isn't really the way it works around here. Of course we support each other's healing. But I'm not aware of an SI policy that requires other BS' to support general concepts that we think are harmful and destructive. If that was the case, SI would be a much less effective site than it is.

..

If the AP was your friend, that's its own special poison.

..I hold bfOM responsible for the vast majority of his 'master plan'.. he knew exactly how and why he wanted her ..

..his leading conversations and manipulation convinced her that she should 'get some experience' ..now that she was at university..

..then he simply moved in for the kill.. " why not experiment with me! ,he says..

..you already trust me, it'll be our special secret.. I can help you.. take you under my wing here at the big bad university.. led her to the cliff..and pushed her off.

..she fell for his advice.. and his plan..

..after we married, he began anew, with a new ego boost of telling her how much he missed their good times at Univ. and it was the best sex he ever had.. and his wife and our friend, wouldn't do 'that' for him.. so what are good friends to do???

.. he kept the pressure on once he got her down to his fancy law office..

..more ego kibbles for her and she provided the desert!

..I see him as a total predator.. a sociopath..

..saw himself as a total womanizer.. 'chicks just fell at his feet...

..my gf and wife fell for his scheme.. got to experience the thrill and the secret life.. couldn't say NO to him, couldn't risk the whole friendship the 4 of us had..

..she should have done a lot of things...but she didn't.. for all the multitude of reasons she came up with.. at 18 ... and at 35...

...

He was the devil in disguise.. and took her down that road to hell.. the hell that infidelity brings..

..he lived, no doubt in his own special hell after the discovery... his second wife of only 2 years was devastated... never let him live it down..

..he came down with a life ending brain tumour at 57..

..left both his parents, wife, 2 young sons and his only brother.. I think of it as dying from a guilty conscience..

..had to meet his maker and explain how and why he stood at his bf's wedding and could do such a thing ??????

..well.....he's rotting in Hell ...9 years and counting!

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 12:44 PM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

I am not in anyway advocating anything. Maybe you're the one who's missing the message, Sal. I really don't understand why all of this hostility toward me. I agree with Prissy that your statement about my WH going out and finding another AP is nothing but hurtful.

But let's address your opinion that my behavior was obsessive. Almost everyone on here encouraged me very early on to tell the OBP about his WW's A. They continued to encourage me to keep looking for contact info for him every time I ran into a roadblock. The AP didn't like that and sent me an email calling me all kinds of nasty names and hurling threats at me. She thought she could bully me into stopping my efforts to inform her BH. She couldn't because I will not be bullied, by her or by you. If you call that obsessing, that's your interpretation. Maybe you should read the definition of obsession from psychologydictionary.

"What is OBSESSION?

a continual thought, concept, picture, or urge which is experienced as invasive and not proper, and results in significant fear, distress, or discomfort."

Since you cannot possibly know what I experienced as invasive and not proper, or if any thoughts I had resulted in significant fear, distress, or discomfort, you cannot possibly make the judgment that I was obsessed. Again, very disrespectful and insulting.

Have you read the book? It clearly states that is is perfectly ok and sometimes necessary for the WP and/or BP to confront not only the AP, but also anyone else who knew about and condoned or assisted with the A. Those were the people I told as part of us severing ties with anyone who was not a friend of our M.

That might make sense to her today, but if they successfully reconcile I guarantee you that in two years or so she'll deeply regret that.

Again, you cannot possibly know that I will regret indirectly outing my WH by outing his AP online. As I said, I have nothing to be ashamed of and I really don't care who knows about his A. If you're thinking I'll regret if/when we R b/c he'll be angry about it, sorry to disappoint, but he already knows it's out there. He understands that is his cross to bear.

And, again, although I'm thinking that there really is no point in me continuing to try to get this across to you, I don't have an issue with dissent. I have an issue with someone else telling me what I should or should not do or think or feel when I haven't asked for that advice.

I'm sorry this has turned into an argument and what seems to be a personal attack on me because I disagreed with someone. I think this discussion should end because it's getting too angry and that is not helpful to anyone.

What I have found in my 5 yrs here is that the threads that make me the most upset are usually the ones that I need to pay attention to and think about. I need to really think about what is being said and decide what it is that is upsetting or bothering me. Sometimes it can take days for me to figure it out. Sometimes there is nothing there, most often there is.

There was even a thread over in wayward last week that I was participating in that made me think about what was being said and made me go over my own thought processes and if I need to change things.

If you aren't doing that here, then you aren't using this forum and board the right way. Think about what others are saying to you, don't stay stuck in your old ways of thinking, be willing to open yourself up to new things and new ways of viewing life.

tiredgirl ~ Who do you think is getting upset by what is being said in this thread? I see Sal being very upset by what has been said on this thread by everyone else except 2 or 3 of you. Maybe he does need to rethink things.

coco,

I am not going to come on here and tell you that how you have handled anything after you found out was wrong or you should have done it differently.

I do think you are getting very upset by what Sal has had to say to you. And the whole subject of infidelity is one that is very difficult to deal with especially when things are still raw and things aren't going well at home.

The only thing I would want to ask of you is, do you think you are able to at this time, and maybe you aren't, and that is ok, be open to different ways of viewing things other than your own?

You know what I have had to do trying to get rid of the single OW and not give her "head space"?

-force my self not to look around when I go out because she just shows up in random places. Now I do not go out much.

-try and not think about the months she kept sending notes, gifts, emails, calls trying to lure him back

-stay off FB because she used my friend list to befriend over 60 of my friends before DDay.

-quit reading newspaper because she is in it at least once a week, usually with a photo

-quit watching TV because she is on it 8 times a day now. Hearing her voice was excruciating.

I cannot give up much more to get her out of my head. I work very hard not to react. I try to use humor and sarcasm to temper my hate of a truly worthless human being who sees nothing wrong in going after whatever she wants. She's a hypocritical charlatan who uses her chameleon personality to simultaneously charm and stomp on people. She never will admit her actions hurt anyone because her "cause " is worth more than any individual. My H was just a step in her game that she's still playing.

My H was an idiot to get involved with her 5 years ago. At least he recognizes his culpability and will never be the same. It has changed him and our lives are still recovering from the massive explosion he set. He owns it, but the reality stinks. And so does the OW.

I'm not upset, but it appears I hurt your feelings and offended prissy. Sorry about that. I just think what you're advocating is wrongheaded and not a sound idea. It's a form of rugsweeping to me. But your ideas are pretty common around here, so this just may have to be an agree-to-disagree type thing.

Sal - I do agree with one thing you touched on - I don't see any point in assigning 'levels' of responsiblity.... As in "the AP is 47.4 % responsible for the affair" I think each case is unique, and how a BS feels about an AP depends on many things - relationships, acts, knowledge etc...

But I want to be sure I understand your opinion on this - are you saying that you view any hatred/action/outing/attention of the AP as a mistake - that it should all be focussed on the WS because they are the person you are in the relationship with?