SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Alchemy, I'm not the best at relaying what's in my head to the keyboard, let me try to react to some of your questions/statements. I am not rushing trying to trust my wife, for us to move forward I will need to at some time begin to trust her, that I know will not happen over night, she will need to display on a daily bases that she can be trusted, for me it is nowhere close.

I entirely agree with this.

As far as her remorse, she has told me that she was sorry for what she did and how that hurt me, she has said that it doesn't change her feelings as to how she was unhappy in our marriage but she said that she is willing to try to work it out.

I gather from this that your WW regrets what she's done but is not entirely remorseful for it. The distinction is important because remorse on the part of a WS is necessary to fix a broken marriage.

If this is the case, my advice would be to delay the decision to R until you are absolutely certain she is committed to you. In the meantime, work on (1) improving yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually, (2) becoming a better father and (3) detaching emotionally from your WW.

The third point is important for two reasons. You are more likely to win back your WW's affection if you project confidence, strength and independence and, if things don't work out, you will be better able to deal with the trauma of D the less attached you are to her.

[This message edited by Alchemy at 2:25 PM, March 29th (Wednesday)]

I believe she is remorseful, I do understand working on it and reconciliation are two completely different things. Right now I am doing what you stated in your last paragraph, I am taking everything that she said were my issues and using that as fuel. I saw a therapist yesterday for me which was enlightening to say the least. I can only control myself at this point and maybe she will see that. I know my kids already appreciate the "new me"

I believe she is remorseful, I do understand working on it and reconciliation are two completely different things. Right now I am doing what you stated in your last paragraph, I am taking everything that she said were my issues and using that as fuel. I saw a therapist yesterday for me which was enlightening to say the least. I can only control myself at this point and maybe she will see that. I know my kids already appreciate the "new me"

I'm glad to hear that. You really seem to have your act together.

so shes a serial cheater? and "wont give up one of them"?

you wont take my advice (i can tell) but id tell her

wife, im willing to work on our m with you but im not willing to accept my wife having a side boyfriend. since you won give him up and i want you to be happy and since im not prepared to remain married to a cheater i packed your bags for you. go to om and live the life you want.

watch him toss her to the curb as soon as she tells him. watch her shit a brick.

they dont care about each other. oh, they say they do but its really the ego kibbles.

packing her bags and telling her ciao will reveal that fast.

that + expose to her parents, friends, church - whoever = shock and awe = best chance to have a good outcome (be it d or r).

instead i suspect you will hem and haw, she will be emboldened, this will drag on, and eventually lead to a bitter divorce. search namblaster in member search. you remind me of him on his first posts.

Cody,

I think you need to dig a little deeper here.. I still don't think you have ALL the details yet.. Your wife sounds to me like she still has someone "waiting in the wings", I'm just sitting here waiting for Cody to fix Cody.. What is she doing to fix Mrs. Cody? I'm not trying to be harsh I just don't want you going down the wrong road..

She needs to be doing all the heavy lifting, she broke the marriage .

CDB

Cody I am sorry but I would just confront her . Tell her how much it hurts and let her see what it has done to you .

WS spouse is now having real problems with what she has done as I keep moving along working on my own self. As I stated the other day I saw a therapist which was eye opening to say the least, WS last night ask for the phone number for the therapist that I am seeing explaining to me that she is depressed over what she has done, ashamed for what she did and continues to apologize to me. I just take it in stride and focus on my kids. Still tough though, can't stop wondering if she was 100% truthful. Sleeping better, guess I got to start somewhere!

You're doing great. Keep it up.

This is just cautionary advice. At this point like SI, your therapist is your safe place and you have a right to that. She needs her own therapist and an understanding that you expect to be able to meet, discuss and compare notes with hers for now. That can happen with or without her present but it cuts the bullcrap and saves you from pulling the poor me pity me with your therapist and having her story bought hook line and sinker for whatever reason. Having your own therapist decide you are the bad guy because of some made up BS and then having to prove yourself sucks. It also cost me that therapist and two years of time and money down the drain. I laid everything out with the next one. He saw all the proof up front and was given the number of the last if he wanted to double check anything. This time when the WS went he was called on his BS before it even began and challenged instead of believed and so WS gathered his toys and left the sand box. Now we are at a stalemate. This is my experience and I am not saying it is or will be yours but again caution for now.

End of the week still struggling with the fact my WW doesn't think she wants to be married anymore, saying she wants to spread her wings and not sure if we can love again like we used to. She has friends including her sister telling her to work it out and make divorce the last option, we don't have the money to divorce let alone if we did she will owe me money. Of course these same friends are giving her advice on how to step away if needed. I am still so hurt and confused with nowhere to turn.

How do you make your SO end the emotional affair??

Hang in there Cody, your doing great!

I stand firm on my earlier post stating you need to dig deeper. Trust your gut, I have a feeling your gut is screaming that there has to be more... And if your wife is still feeling like she wants to spread her wings.This is typical cheater speak for wanting to give OM man a go..

You need to be strong and find out what your truly fighting EA or PA, most BS breathe a sigh of relief when they think it was just an EA and not physical. This is where I think you need to dig a little deeper.. Your wife is still in the "Fog" and this usually is a red flag that it may have been more than emotional. Your wife is just cake eating/ fence sitting at the moment, she is trying to decide between you and OM, knock her off the fence, file for divorce.. This doesn't mean you can't stop it at anytime it just shows her your going to do what is best for you. And living in Limbo land is not it!!

CDB

Digging a little dealer I found a text from WW best friend, in the chat WW said that she has traded emails with AP on an email I can't get to. She said that she is trying to let him go but it is hard for her because of how he makes her feel, albeit on words from a guy 3000 miles away. Not sure if the 2nd sexting partner she was messaging is still in the mix but I will need to confront her again, this must be the reason why she can't see herself with me anymore. These guys are filling her head with so much garbage to push her further away from me. She will be going to IC next week so hopefully something positive starts to come from that. Now I'm just getting enraged at what she is doing, she has no idea what damage this will do, not thinking straight! I'm considering sending messages to the AP's and let them know that she working both of them, still lost and now very angry! Hope I can continue to provide strength for my kids, working the 180, see what happens next!

Expose -Expose-Expose,

Exposure is the best way to shake your WW out of the fog, if you reach out to the two AP's they will more than likely drop communication with your wife.

Good luck Cody..

CDB

If you don't start to give your WW consequences for straying, there is no reason for her to want to come back.

Sometimes, the best way to shake a WW out of the affair fog is to tell her the marriage is over and file for D.

Alchemy. I know filing for D would shake her out of the "affair fog" my thinking is (not sure if this is right or wrong) but I want the kids to know who is to blame for this. I feel if I file they will blame me. I do need some advice though, if I do contact the two AP's will they get in touch with my WS and tell them that I contacted them?

On a side note, the WS will be seeing an IC this week, the IC that I am seeing thought it was not a good idea for us to see the same therapist unless we were together. I'm fine with that as the WS needs to talk to an unbiased person as her friends are filling get head with so much crap good or bad and she told me she is unbelievably depressed and ashamed.

I do need some advice though, if I do contact the two AP's will they get in touch with my WS and tell them that I contacted them?

Contact them to do or say what. That they are sexting a M woman and if they don't stop it you will file for D. Like they would give a F%&k.

Most people with any amount of moral fiber would not be sending graphic porn scenario's, or exchanging sex pictures to anyone and especially a M woman, unless its to you're own wife if you are into that stuff.

So I guess if you told them to stop and they did break all contact with your WW then you found the one in a million golden douchebag.

Its your WW that has to be the one to return to the M. Even if these sexting buddies go the way of the wind she will eventually find another one or two or three..etc, etc in order to fulfill her jollies.

And who gives a F%*k if they contact your WW. Like she had the courtesy of informing you she was sexting other men.

Sending Strength My Man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 12:09 AM, April 3rd (Monday)]

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings, "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye."

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it? Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason? To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse? What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse? They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama-filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings, they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead," you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them," you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me."

You don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach," you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

Cody, why would the kids know who filed first? They don't need to know the details, just that you're going to be divorcing.

Cody,

Simply tell your children something along the following:

"First of all, please know that your mother and I both love you, and none of what I'm about to tell you is your fault. No matter what happens, we will both be there file you.

I believe that marriage is between two people. For better, or worse, your mother has decided to bring at least one more person into our marriage. I am not happy being in a marriage with this many people, and I believe staying in it will be detrimental to me being a good father. So, I have decided to file for divorce.

Again, we both love you and will be there for you, and none of this is in anyway your fault. Our family will soon be going through a transition period. Please have faith that after this transition period is over, we will be a better family, although not together all the time."

Again, we both love you and will