SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hope, I don't care about the legalities of the state and how they view an inheritance. They have been married for 27 years! In a good marriage, what's hers is his and whats his is hers. It still goes to shown her wayward mindset. Doing what she wants to do, the hell with how my spouse feels about it. She has an entitled mindset and shows zero concern for the thoughts and wishes of her husband of 27 years!!!

When my Mother died, I inherited a million dollar tri-level home with an indoor pool. I could have sold it and stuck that money in my personal pocket. I didn't do that. I used it to benefit the family.

When the same opportunity to help the family came to her, she used all of it to benefit herself. It just showed me where her loyalties were, and opened up my mind to see that she might have possibly cheated on me. I never asked the question before she bought the church. Afterward, I could see that I was married to someone who was in it for herself, so the idea that she might have blown a guy on Anacapa seemed possible all of a sudden.

Look, I'm not talking about how the perfect human mind deals with every situation, and this developed over the course of a 34 year marriage. These marriages are complex.

If Hope doesn't want me to call her an asshole, she should stop acting like one. She's been her longer than me, knows the ropes, and I shouldn't have to be defending myself against other people who have experienced this sort of horrible behavior. Hope should stop trying to provide "help" here, and start trying to figure out why she attacked a fellow victim like that.

So many people here are still fresh in their grief years later that posting conflicts come up sometimes. I'm sorry it's affected your post.

I get what you're saying about the inheritance. You used yours to benefit the family. She used hers to benefit herself. That's a big deal. I used my inheritance as a downpayment on a home ... that my husband stopped paying the mortgage on during his EAs. I didn't find out until the house was already in the final stages of foreclosure and didn't have time to save it.

It's really stuff like that I find so hard to get over. It might be that the inheritance issue is something you're having trouble getting over too, because it's an example of financial infidelity. That isn't the kind usually dealt with around here, but it does damage trust and communication in a similar way as an affair. It can cause lasting resentment in a relationship that ultimately chips away at your connection.

How are you feeling sundeco? Do you have plans to see a lawyer? Have you considered scheduling a polygraph? (They aren't foolproof, but just the fact that you schedule one can elicit more information from a spouse ... there have been quite a few "parking lot" confessions here from spouses who came out with more truth right before the test.)

what is it about the cruise ship...

I found out last January on a cruise that my wife had a fling about 20 years ago while we were separated (but no agreement to date others) and also that her long distance affair in 2009 included some a couple more hookups and meetings than originally admitted too.

Its a shitty deal. I don't think some WWs really understand the damage. They excuse their behaviour because of how they 'felt' at the time. Now they believe all should be ok becasue now they feel 'good' about the marriage.

Sundeco,

What were her reasons to rent out a garage apartment and buy the church? IMO, it is very insulting and hurtful to go against the wishes of a spouse unless there is a very very good reason.

WWs always minimizes and she probably only told you one of her many PAs. She was probably testing you to see how you would react to a PA with a desert rat that happened many years ago. She hoped that since it happened so long ago and with someone beneath you stature, that you would let it go and move on with the M. Now that she has seen your reaction, she will not volunteer any more information on other PAs or whether the PA with the desert rat is still ongoing.

You will need to force this information out of her. You are doing right by listing down the times when she traveled out without you. Next you have to ask her in her face to explain the reasons for these trips and whether she had any PA with desert rat or other APs. You have been with WW for 27 years and you will know if she is lying from her body language and the manner of her replies same as how you caught on when she just replied 'Thank You' when you stated that you have never cheated on her. Tell her you will give her one day to change her story because she will have to take polygraph to confirm if she is telling the truth. Make sure that you have already made an appointment for polygraph before you say this as you do not want to come across a just making empty threats and making you look weak.

Has she been transparent with all her social media, emails and handphone text messages. If she has deleted them or suddenly closed the accounts, then this is another red flag. Try to recover these texts if possible.

Have you tried talking to mutual friends who have been with her on these trips. Infidelity thrives on secrecy, find out who are the same friends that always follow her in these trips. They may be able to provide some information of a possible PA OR if they are enablers in these PAs, you will be lied to in order to protect WW.

You need to see a lawyer with regards to D. Remember this step is not final as the road of D or R runs parallel for many months and will give both you and WW opportunities to R ( if BOTH parties are willing to do so). Remember that R is only possible if WW shows true remorse ( not regret) for the pain she has caused you by her actions and not mere words. Only you can determine if she is showing remorse. NEVER RUG SWEEP or you will be setting yourself up to more heart ache in the future.

Finally, please eat well and rest well. You will need to stay healthy and have a clear head to make the correct decisions for YOUR FUTURE happiness.

>> sundeco said "Look, I'm not talking about how the perfect human mind deals with every situation, and this developed over the course of a 34 year marriage. These marriages are complex."

If this statement is rooted in searching for the why or how and by sprinkling it with "complexity"... again cheating is not about you or the issues in a marriage... think about it, with the exception of revenge cheating.. the root foundation is based in deceit, lies, selfishness and a lot of cowardliness. Cheating comes from within and is based on internal issues.

You now see a real gem here of a wife... she has issues now that she must resolve internally or the answers you get won't get you any closer to the truth.

sending strength.

[This message edited by atreides at 10:57 PM, January 4th (Thursday)]

I was not providing her with the attention she craved, so she went and got it someplace else.

A wayward spouse will typically have a "Why?" that points to a character gap -- something they've been unconsciously trying to self-medicate, numb or fill for years.

What your wife indicated is an excuse and blame-shifting. It was your fault for working so hard. It was your fault for not being a better husband. It was all your fault. It's actually not surprising because it is how the journey to Why? often goes -- denial/lies, then excuses/blame, then something a bit closer to the truth and eventually the root of it all. The reason your wife gave has a tiny bit of insight and, therefore, contains her next step though. She needs to keep asking Why? Why does she crave attention? Why is it that she needs it from a man?

It's the tip of the iceberg as other elements of the story contain clues. Why does she have a long streak actions focused on being away from you? Why has intimacy continued to shrink over the years? Why didn't she use (at least some of) the inheritance money to help your family? Why did she buy a church of all things? Given what you've just discovered, all of these things seem to point to a very self-centered person who is seeking out how to soothe a "need" (i.e. character gap) deep inside. The church purchase is a particularly odd one that could point to the need for attention from others and/or the need to try and resolve some inner guilt.

The key to all of this is whether your wife sees herself as broken, wants to figure out why and has the self-motivation to go do the work to sort it all out. Or if she is looking to avoid it all, shift the blame and continue onward in her quest to find her validation externally. If you are giving things 6 months, you'll need to become very good at discerning where her heart is at based on her actions and attitude. Anything less than real, true remorse isn't good enough as she will remain self-centered and not a safe partner.

I'm sorry that you are here and that you are hurting. Focus your efforts on getting a bit of space for your mind to clear so that you can begin to heal and can determine what the best path forward is. For your PTSD, this is yet another major trauma, so please check around for skilled EMDR therapists who can evaluate if you are a good candidate that would respond well to some treatment.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 7:17 AM, January 5th (Friday)]