SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WORD I'm SOOOO relieved to hear back from you!

(To whom it may concern: Prayer number 2 answered, Thank-you-very-much!...now if only Sister Milkshake's grandson would be so fortunate...)

Some people have a kind of temporary insanity of sorts. Here in SI we call it "the fog", but it's no excuse for idiocy, just a mindset (or abject LACK of mindfulness, perhaps) that is all-too-common with some folks.

It's predictable AND FIXABLE, but not without some serious "countermeasures" being employed usually...at least that's me and my WIFE's story, anyhow...and I did those SI-approved countermeasures back in 1993 and 1995 when I was just in my early twenties, with no internet or infidelity support groups whatsoever!

Dreamer, write as often as you need to. You have done so much for so long now. Thanks for caring for the dogs. I'm happy you came back here.

Are you saying that nobody has heard from him in 2 weeks? And his phone is always turned off? Are you sure there is not another explanation? That's a long time to be out of touch with everyone. Just wondering if there is some kind of foul play going on here. Perhaps I've watched too many murder mysteries!!!

Thank you, you are all an invaluable source of support for me right now and I am so very grateful. Even being able to type out my thoughts and feelings, is somewhat therapeutic.

Well he is still not home, it was supposed to be last saturday, then it was today and now the guy feeding the dogs has said he is back Friday. So who knows, he is obviously in no rush to come back and see his son or face reality.

I didn't cry as much yesterday, but today I am very down again, as the reality of my situation continues to kick in. As I am still here in our village, everything is a constant reminder. I went for a walk earlier just to get some fresh air and I have no choice but to pass the village pub. It was'nt so long ago that we spent time there laughing, joking and enjoying a bottle of wine and a meal. I remembered him pushing the hair back off my face and telling me how beautiful I was and how he loved to see me laugh. He stayed at my house that night and after we had made love I lay on his chest and began to sob, but laugh too. He asked me why I was crying and i replied, 'because I love you so much' he held me tight and told me he loved me so much too. I was just so overwhelmed with how much I loved him and remember thinking, 'we made it through the bad times'

I sat on the bench as I was suddenly taken over by uncontrollable sobs, the pain almost too much to describe. At that moment, all I wanted was his arms around me telling me it would all be ok, that he had simply been working, that there was no other woman.

I think for the first couple of days, i didnt really accept that this was real and if it was, then maybe he had just taken someone out for dinner. But as time passes and he keeps delaying coming home, reality is setting in, he must have real feelings for her.

I am so lost, I miss him more than words could ever say. Im going through the self blame at the moment, if only I had let him stay over when he wanted to. If only i had shown him more attention, if only i had lost weight, not had ptsd, enjoyed the party lifestyle more. If only I had been what she is now.

i am experiencing so many emotions, pain, hurt, betrayal, longing, fleeting anger, frustration but most of all a terrible emptiness and sense of loss.

I know that if the tables were turned, I would feel wretched to know he was in such a bad way, not eating, crying, in so much pain. No man could mean enough to me to stop me running back to him, to reassure him and ease his pain. To know how strong his love was for me, my heart would drive me to get in the car and go to him.

The same questions are going over and over in my mind. Is this just a fling, can we ever be happy again after this. Am i being unreasonable since we were living apart. Does he love me? have I been strung along? Do I go and talk to him when he returns to maybe get some answers as to what is going on, or do I not contact him?

If I go and speak to him, I will be able to tell whether he still loves me and this is a fling as i know him too well. But i am also afraid of looking into his eyes and being faced with the cold hard truth. Some friends have said, you need to go talk to him to get some answers, you deserve that. Others have said F*** him and dont contact him. All are well meaning with their advice, but it is so conflicting.

When I went to his house to check on the dogs 2 days ago, I looked at his filthy, sad home, his bed on the sofa, his clothes and dog hair everywhere. He was definitely living in an absolute pig sty, one which he found too overwhelming to clean. I believe he was depressed. Over the past 3 months he stopped drinking so much, lost weight and although he was up one minute, down the next, I felt encouraged.

I remebered 4 weeks ago when he was sick and I went out and bought him soup, new bedding, medicines and looked after him. One evening his heating broke down and I drove for hours in the snow at night trying to find some 24 hour store to get him a heater. I said he was welcome to stay at my house, but he was playing the martyr and i suspect having lengthy phone conversations with her.

While I was there, i spotted his t shirt and picked it up, I held it to my face and slid down to the floor crying, inhaling his scent and begging God to bring him back to me. I snuggled up with the dogs and like an idiot, was talking to them, even asking them to help bring daddy back.

I think I mentioned in a previous post (could have been on a different site) that I sent a facebook message to the woman that my son had shown me photo's of as 'dads girlfriend' I wasnt rude or insulting, I just asked he as a woman and a mother, had she any idea what pain my sons and I were suffering. She replied to me saying 'I think you have the wrong person, I have not slept with anyone but my husband in 8 years, I am sorry you seem to have issues right now and am here if you would like to talk or contact these helplines and she sent me links to Relate etc. I was going to respond to her as I was shocked by her reply and needed to know what was going on, but she had blocked me. So either something is amiss or she is so terribly cold, hard and nasty.

I know my husband very well obviously and as such, i know that he is rather immature for his age (49) and loves drama. He is also easily led to a certain degree and will not be thinking of the consequences. The fact he has dropped his beloved son, who he lives for, tells me that he is not living in reality. He is shall we say 'an aquired taste' and is not very popular around where we live, he is the kind of guy people cross the road to avoid. He is loud, often acts impulsively and lacks restraint, he also thrives on drama. When he has been drinking he is a nightmare and often gets in fights, he doesnt have the best reputation. But on the other hand, he is funny at times, his impulsiveness can be endearing and I love him. My mum used to laugh and say 'my God, no one else would put up with him, you deserve a medal' because he is so sociable he makes friends easily, but loses them just as fast. I have been the one constant in his life, along with his elderly parents who often despair of him, but love him dearly.

Since he started the company, 'friends' in the pub have used him for money, taken advantage of his kindness and hang around him because he buys all their drinks.

One minute he can be on a total high, the life and soul and the next day so low he cries in my arms.

Im not sure why I am writing all this, other than in the hope someone may be able to shed some light or offer advice, along with the fact it helps me to write it all down.

I am guessing that he must just have been paid a few thousand pounds for a couple of cases and knowing him, he will be treating her like a queen. Jewellery, the finest restaurants, cocktail bars, clothes, anything he thinks will please her. But I also know that this doesnt last and next week he could have not a penny, he is frivolous with money and it burns a hole in his pocket. I have no doubt whatsoever that he is leading a double life, giving her the impression that he is a well off, successful businessman. But the company is so young and much of what we earned has to be ploughed back in. he lives hand to mouth, for example when he gets a case, he takes me to eat out everynight, buys our son expensive gifts and spend £200 on aftershave, with no thought to what will happen next week. Then within days he askes me for £10 to put gas on his meter and to buy him dog food. All part of his irresponsibility.

BUT and this is a big but, I knew what he was from the start and I like to think i have been his stabilising influence. This is why he always turns to me when things are not going good for him. He knows the 'good ole Missus' will always be there for him.

I hope my rambing has shed a little more light on our situation and thank you for taking the time to read this and for any replies.

I may not be in your exact situation... but I understand completely the emotions and feelings you are describing because I am attempting to cope with them even as I write this.

I just wanted you to know, that I am glad you had the courage to keep going forward, despite the maelstrom of thoughts and feelings you are likely struggling to calm as each second passes.

No matter what happens in the future, try not to make a decision on your circumstances in the same way I have... out of desperation. Desperation is not a good place to make choices from... which is hilarious because even as I tell you this, I am making my own desperate choices.

Thank you for sharing... and I am truly sorry you are being forced to experience this.

Well my only thought is that there are a lot of men that would appreciate a woman like you.

I'm sorry this is happening

Since writing that post, my son has just shown me a photo of my husband with his arms round her on instagram. So the evil cow who sent me suicidal help links and said I had the wrong person, was indeed the right person.

Im stuck for words right now, please help

They are both toxic to you. Block in every way possible, let your son know that you won’t need to see any photos of them again.

The first clue that you messaged the right person was that she blocked you right after telling you that even though you had the wrong person she was there if you wanted to talk. No one blocks someone they've just offered to help.

It also answers your question. She's well aware of the pain she's caused, she just doesn't want to hear about it, and doesn't much appreciate the fact that you found her. It won't do you any good to reach out to her in any other way. It will only give her amunition. I'm sure she's telling your WH that you have issues. It's very common for the OW to paint the betrayed spouse as the crazy one.

The best thing you can do is cease all contact with both of them. I know that's difficult and painful to do, but it will prove her wrong. Stay strong and politely detached. It will make it impossible for her to bash you to him without making stuff up.

So here's some $.02 from this crazy, Anglo-phile Texan over here...

He is NUTS. But you KNOW this already. Since you love him (and I LOVE my twice-over, used-to-be-crazy wife, too, btw), even if you saw him and got the "truth" from him and his eyes about his love for you or lack thereof...even THAT wouldn't really be the "truth" because the "truth" for him is like the WIND it seems. What's "true" right now at this moment will likely NOT be in an hour or so.

That's not to say that there aren't some core truths deep inside of him. But the devil of him has the wheel right now, and so he's simply not gonna be a reliable or healthy source of reality for you right now, in MY opinion at least.

You are WAAAAYYY too connected to him for his madness to not be contagious. Your current emotional condition is proof, if I may be so bold as to say so. That is NOT an insult, btw. That is a BIG part of LOVE, in my opinion.

But it's an unchecked "love" on your part. One that isn't balanced or checked by other governing and regulating things...like your son for example. He is a "regulating" balancing aspect of you and your world and this love of yours, I believe. He came and helped you when you needed help the most.

That's the kind of balance and TRUTH that you need right now!

The fact is, you LOVE that crazy guy too much for your (and even HIS) own good right now to be near him and his temporary "truth(s)" because he and those "truths" will only poison YOU along with HIM and the mental fog and "illness" that he's having right now.

Also, there is some kind of MEN-O-PAWS that seems to hit a LOT of us guys around 45 or so.

They call it a mid-life crisis, but a call it an end-life-craziness because in MY case at least you feel like your life is kinda over or very nearly so.

It hits some people like a full-moon hits the ER at a large hospital or a cold snap hits critters heavy with child or beast.

I barely even know what I'm talking about here, but it's a common enough occurrence. Just look (or rather take my word for it instead) at the ages most men are at when they start throwing away their families and lives here on SI in the WH membership!

Anyway, I'm not sure what studies have to show, but there's a medical one my wife read about a year or two ago that REMINDS me of this issue.

She said that they've discovered a thing in the brains of baby/toddlers that also shows up again when kids turn 18 or so! A feeling of invincibility and fearlessness! I guess that's why baby/toddlers and late-teens are so village-idiot headed for a few short years (if they survive their own risk-taking, that is). It's also why armies LOVE to throw "kids" that age to spearhead head-on assaults into the lion's teeth and the face of death.

They are temporarily fearless in a way. Or at least a LOT of them are. And it's a scientifically proven thing as well as historically so.

Again, I'm not trying to make excuses for your husbands infidelity and idiocy here. What I AM saying is that whatever weaknesses and "cracks" there may have been BEFORE this time in his life and psyche might be more easily exploited and more "in the driver's seat" right NOW if he's going thru such a "crisis" in his own middle-aged head right about now.

Btw, his OW is not worth your energy or vulnerability. There needs to be something left of you to fight with when your time to implement Operation Overlord arrives, and that is NOT TODAY.

TODAY is more like the Dunkirk evacuation. Get the HELL out of there and regroup. Leave it behind you for now. Focus FORWARD. NOT BACK. You can go BACK there AFTER you regroup and get patched up, but for now, it's Red Cross time. PERIOD. Trust me on this one.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 4:48 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

She's married. Call her husband at work and tell him. Offer a copy of any evidence you have. That usually ends the affair.

Don't tell your husband,or he will warn her. She will do everything she can to stop you from telling her husband. Or, by the time you talk to him, he will have been told you're crazy, and causing drama.

HellFire thamks but I dont belive for one minute that she is married, she is clearly a hard faced lying cow.

My son meant well when he showed me the photo's of the two of them, but my God it hurt like hell.

Im anticipating and waiting for the anger to kick in and it will.

I maybe hurt and in love but im no bloody fool!

Hey now, there's no need to insult cows like that!

She's WAY worse than just being a hard faced lying cow!

But yeah. I think you'll find that you'll underestimate how physically and mentally traumatized you really are sometimes and then what we around here call a "trigger" like those photos will just up and shoot you in the head when you're not even expecting it and absolutely FLOOR you onto shock or nausea or rage.

That's partly why I made the assertions that I did to you about Dunkirk vs. Operation Overlord (Normandy counter-invasion) timing and mission.

You're not up to fighting right now. You need to just rest and recuperate like you're in ICU for a while. After THAT, then...you gotta take it one step at a time.

Some people on here went ballistic on day one. I don't think you're in a good position to try that move right now from where I'm sitting and typing, because you were soooooo " all in" and he's still soooooo all out right now. But I guess I've already said as much, so I'll try and leave it at that.

Get a lawyer.

He's spending marital assets on this pig.

That needs to end now!

Have you looked up bipolar disorder? He is at up one day and down the next. Your description of him is troubling because he sounds irratic.

You have been through so much that I think you need time to let your mind rest.

I just read this from posting last and know I needed to immediately post to you. It is very late so I will say for now how terrible I feel and wrong I was for posting what I did. I will post more apology later today when I'm not out of body tired. It won't make up for my wrong and hurt I've caused to you but I must apologize to you. Thank you so much for not taking those pills, I'm crying right now in pain for your situation and in joy that you chose living. We're all on the same road at different points of recovering from infidelity.

H3LLO

It's ok please dont feel bad, we are all suffering (((hugs))) I very much appreciate your apology and totally accept it. I was/am still in a very dark place and perhaps it was a little too early for me to post and to accept brutal honesty, so I also share any blame. Please dont be upset it is forgotten and I see what a kind person you are in having the courage to say that perhaps our timing clashed

Let's kick some cheater backsides together, hugs tight x

I just wanted to add, that he has noot paid me a penny for our son. My rent was due yesterday and he knew this but hasnt paid anything. Before I didnt mind so much because, as I say we were still a team I thought. But now he is gone, I think he needs to be paying me, so I guess it is down to the solicitors office.

I honetly cannot get my head round how fast his relationship with her has happened. I have definitely pin pointed it down to approx 3 weeks since they began speaking and the following week ie 10 days ago, he went to see her and has been in her house since. Light speed by anyone's standards and certainly with 2 young children involved,it's pure madness.

I have been so taken aback, by the cold, hard cruelty of the email. It is so very bizarre, he knows I would never steal anything in my life, so that felt like a very low blow.

He appears to be justifying his actions by convincing himself (and no doubt her) that I am some evil, nasty entity.

I have a strong suspicion that he is returning this weekend, simply to rehome the dogs, pack up his things and leave to live with her. I have no doubt that she has got a firm grip on him and she comes across as the kind of hard faced woman who will get what she wants by any means and to hell with the consequences. And no, i am not blaming her for him doing what he has done, that was his choice, but I AM blaming her for the evil message she sent to me and for her lack of any kind of compassion, not for me but for our son.

I KNOW for a fact that if I had just met a new man (2 weeks) and his wife contacted me saying that she was shocked and confused by what was going on, that she and her son were left devastated by his actions and cruelty, I would certainly be showing him the door until his situation was properly resolved. Firstly i would not want to introduce my kids into a dramatic and unresolved situation, nor would I be bale to sleep soundly knowing a child was involved and suffering.

Lastly, I would be asking myself what on earth was going on and wondering whether this guy i had just invited to stay in my home, was trustworthy, decent and honest. Alarm bells would definitely be ringing for me. But then I like to think I have morals, integrity and a kind heart, I could not benefit from someone else's abject pain and misery. My conscience would eat away at me.

Please keep replying and help me through this, I feel so alone and abandoned, i do not want to burden my kids or my elderly parents and so have no one. I would also appreciate it if you could be gentle with me right now, I could not be any lower. Thank you