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I'm so happy to see some of the responses here and know that I wasnt crazy for even thinking about sex with WH after finding out what he did. Thank you to OP.

How long after DDay was it until you had sex with your WS again? Do you wish you had waited longer, or “gotten it over with” sooner? How did you know you were ready?

I didn't answer all your questions. 1. A few hours after I found out about the LTA. 2. No, I am fine with how it worked out. It wasn't a case of "getting it over with" I desperately wanted to have sex with him. I wanted to float away on a wave of orgasms. As someone else said, I didn't know if I was going to divorce him or not and who knows when I would have sex again with a real live man. Plus, I was pissed that someone else got the orgasms that were MINE! He fucking OWED me. 3. Didn't think about it, just animal lust and trauma.

T/J and TMI (maybe) BTW,

SO there are days we make love and days I make demands and Wh is more than happy to comply.

I totally can relate to this. I did this, too, and had never done this before. However, I only made demands in my mind and ordered him around and called him derogatory names in my mind. I didn't want to get into the dom/sub stuff. I stumbled upon this accidentally, too. After some very fantastic weeks of HB all of sudden I couldn't quite get "there". Started to really frustrate and piss me off. Started calling FWH names in my head and ordering him around and Viola ...there. As so many have said, there is quite the distinction between HB and "making love". For me it was like what the urban dictionary calls "angry fucking". In the beginning, anyway. Until I decided I wanted to try to reconcile. Then it was just fun, crazy, wild HB. Until it nearly killed dear FWH. He had a 95% clogged aorta we knew nothing about. end T/J

Dr. Shirley Glass* (sorry, not going to look up the page or chapter, just giving the gist) basically says that having or not having HB seems to have little effect on having a successfully reconciled marriage after infidelity. So, theres that.

Much love, peace and serenity to all the dear people here at SI.

P.S. tipsy posting, sorry

*author of "Not Just Friends" which is basically the bible for infidelity healing. If you haven't read it...READ IT! This book made such a huge difference in both MisterSister's and my healing. Helped in leaps and bounds of understanding each other's perspective and helped with our communication.

eta: to fix some shit

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:35 AM, April 22nd (Sunday)]

As so many have said, there is quite the distinction between HB and "making love". For me it was like what the urban dictionary calls "angry fucking". In the beginning, anyway.

Ooooh, yes. HB looked a lot like that throughout. I think I ended up crying in the middle of sex about 4 times. The angry sex (aka "grudge fucking") was exciting for WH at first, but now, a year later, if it starts happening and he can see it headed that way (either by facial expressions or body language), he literally stops everything to hold me and calm me down. Not so exciting any more when he knows I'm doing what you did, calling him derogatory names in my head or dealing with mind movies. I've never screamed or yelled at him during this entire year, but yes, the angry sex I did (and on occasion still fall into).

Its important that people know that both reactions to Dday -- turning away or immediate sex-- are completely normal reactions. It doesn't make you weird or twisted. I hate the thought of any BS thinking they're doing something 'wrong.'

Resurfacing this thread because we are now moving into month 6, but I still haven’t been able to bring myself to do any sort of sexual or physical contact. Not even so much as a kiss.

I kinda feel like I should just get it over with at this point. But it’s hard when all I feel is so much contempt towards him.

TenaciousMe, my WW also stops and calms me down if our sex begins to creep into "grudge sex." Just like you, I sometimes can't control my emotions. It took almost a year to get into HB. We did everything we could think of. Anything that came into mind. My WW was under no illusion of what sex meant for us moving forward, which was nothing. It started off passionate and agressive, but soon turned sour when we started making love again.

'Books,

You really need to get over your uncertainty WRT doubting what you want.

As gently as possible, your body, your mind, your desires ... you get to make your own choices. It's really OK to not have sex and to have sex, depending on what you want. It's OK to start the day not wanting sex and end the day in the sack with your H. It's OK to start the day wanting sex and deciding to stop an instant before ...um... the main event starts. It's OK to start and to stop in the middle of whatever you're doing.

R is building an M that serves both of you. Yeah, we all do some things in M out of duty, but that comes later.

The goal - again IMO - is to find out if there's a good fit for your desires and his. In these early 24-30 months, I think, when the M is really shaky, desire should be the main driver, IMO.

Be yourself, sweetheart. If you were the only BS in the world who doesn't do HB, that's fine.

I guess 6 months is a long time at your age. It is probably not a long time in the context of your whole life.

By all means find out how others handle issues in R, but use the info not to judge yourself but to find options that you haven't thought of. Then use the info you gather to figure out your path.

I think you know all that, but I also think it bears repeating.

(((DogsandBooks)))

I think Sisoon is right.

We are all different. I find myself wondering if I'm the only one who cries after. What a BUZZKILL, right?

I'm just still so crushed that my H had sex with someone else. I read that you are waiting & honestly wish I could. That sounds healthier to me.

I've always loved our sex so much, I never came away unsatisfied. Now, I am so angry at him, so hurt, but still want it & am distressed.

If you're not sure & don't feel ready then don't. It just made things worse for me, I think. Hating & loving someone is hard enough to wade through.

[This message edited by 1girlsmom at 3:01 PM, June 11th (Monday)]

If you are not ready and try, it will be awkward. This is what happened to me, but I was the BS. BUT, we also hadn't had sex in over 6 yrs prior to the A, so even if there was no A it still would have been weird.

Also keep in mind if/when you do decide to have sex, it may not be all that great at first. I am different in that I don't have "mind movies" when we have sex (we are 9 months post Dday now) but I do have them during the day when we are apart. During the act I only think about the two of us.

We are still trying to figure out who we are now though too. Both of us still guarded from the pain each of us caused each other. Me hurting him pre A, and him because of the A. It's a shit show for sure.

Oh this thread is really interesting because I posted a similar topic less than two weeks after Dday and the HB was explained to me. We've had sex every day for three weeks, sometimes twice a day, and since he's been offshore we've still...done things...that we've never done before. So I was very much assuming this was HB. But I didn't realise the distinction between HB and making love, it has never been angry between us. It's 100% about love and connection and making each other (well initially me of course but now with time passing it's a bit more reciprocal) feel comforted and wanted.

I think everyone is different and if you don't feel ready then don't do it, there are things I still haven't done because they are things (positions, acts) he did with an SW and that feels like an impersonal violated thing now. But that said, I'm gradually starting to feel more like I could claim it back as mine, and less like I'd be imitating something she'd done. I haven't, but I'm thinking about it and trying to work out how I'd feel. I'm sure everyone would reach that point in a totally different time frame. I agree with sissoon, it's up to you. Don't worry about what other people are or aren't doing, just think about what you actually want. That's the beauty of this new relationship you are trying to create, you get to make it the exact one that you want.

Books - what has your ws done to show you that they are a safe partner? Mine pretty much had to move heaven and earth to show how committed he was to change before I remotely accepted it.

Do YOU want to have physical contact with him? Are you looking for ways to overcome a fear about it?

@strugglebus

WH is in IC and we are in MC. He claims he has stopped watching porn but admits to still being tempted all the time. He went to one SAA meeting and plans to go back. Other than that ... not sure I see many changes. He is genuinely remorseful. He is trying to be less selfish and take me into account more, but his knee-jerk reaction is still defensiveness, making excuses, half-added apologies, etc even though we keep rehashing that in MC.

I do not have any desire to be physical with him at this point. Well, I WANT to want it, but I don’t want it. At this point it feels like my sexual desire will never be returned. I already had a much lower sex drive than him even before DDay.

For us, it was 2 months...

Hell, I couldn't even look at her for about 2 weeks. I know it sounds harsh, but I was literally repulsed by seeing her. I didn't sleep in the same bed, I preferred the couch in the family room. The irony wasn't lost on me that she cheated, and I am on the couch, but it's what I wanted.

I know this might sound strange, but my wife never sent a nude selfie. Ever. Not to me, or her AP. I asked her for one. I wanted to take her out of her comfort zone. Well, I asked, and she did. She sent me 5... I was shocked! We met on the deck, and beneath the stars and whoever may have seen, we did it. I have to be honest, it wasn't my greatest experience. My mind was all jver the place, playing a porno reel starring her and the AP that would make farm animals sick. I couldn't complete the act, but it was a start.

I am 13 months out, and although we are out of HB, we still are intimate fairly often. Most of the time, it is indoors now though. Lol

@trying2copeinmd

I am entering month 6 and still “literally repulsed by seeing” him. Some days I think, maybe today I’m feeling good enough to try ... but then my mind jumps straight to an image of him hunched over in the dark jerking off with some strange man on the internet ... and it just makes me feel so sick and disgusted and nauseous. I can’t seem to shake it.

@DogsnBooks

Yeah, I can see how that would be traumatic. That is a whole new level that can bring new doubts int the marriage.

Sadly, I never really read your story, so please forgive me for asking stupid questions, and/or triggering you in any way. Trust me, I know what that is like.

1. Are you both in individual and marriage counseling?

2. Obviously, him looking at other men is a red flag for you. Have either of you delved into this more? Maybe it is a "fantasy" of his and he didn't feel safe sharing with you?

3. His shame must be so overwhelming! I know that it's hard for us to look at our WS with empathy, but what a burden he must carry.

4. Has he ever not shown an interest in you sexually? Like, even know... Does he try light intimacy? Holding hands, hugs... Just touching on the couch in a non-sexually way?

5. Do you feel emotionally safe in your relationship? Does he?

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I can't fathom the thoughts that go through your head. I don't want to "villainize" him for watching porn... Most men do from time to time. The thing is, if you are doing it in secrecy knowing that your spouse wouldn't approve, then you have an issue that you need to address. I hope that he is addressing them for you, but most importantly, himself.

Keep your chin up... You got this, girl!

@trying2copeinmd

1. Yes we are both in IC and in MC.

2. We have delved into it some. His statements don’t match up. Sometimes he thinks he is bisexual/bicurious (which I wouldn’t have a problem with IF it weren’t for him hiding it from me, and the fear that he would choose a man over me) and sometimes he says he would “take what he could get” on the apps, which points more toward sex addiction than sexual orientation (see below).

3. Yes his shame is very deep and overwhelming. Unfortunately it is also counterproductive. WH has a tendency to make everything about himself (always has) and his shame allows him to keep that focus on himself and his own feelings, not mine, while still thinking he is doing the “right” thing.

4. He has always been huge into physical touch, both sexual and non sexual. Me, not so much. Abusive father, what can I say. He is mostly being respectful of my wishes right now. He does still sometimes try to get a hug or hold my hand but I’m not having any of it.

5. I do not feel emotionally safe. Despite all his regret and remorse, I still do not trust him as far as I could throw him and I can’t let my guard down. I think any changes he is making now (which still don’t feel like enough) will stick in the long run. I can’t speak to how he’s feeling. I don’t think I have given him any reason to feel unsafe. Although with him being the historically “needy” partner, he is probably feeling neglected now that he is no longer getting the ego kibbles from me.

Also, I DO villainise him for watching porn because it is not just “from time to time” with him. He is an addict.

DogsnBooks ...Hugs for you. I understand how you feel. It took months for me to even want to look at my wife or even be in the same room. She repulses me. It takes time and even now, almost two years later, the pain is still in the air. I will never be the same because of it.

Take your time to decide if he is worth this pain you are feeling. I am sure that he regrets hurting you. With knowing that, there may be hope. My wife regrets what she has done and that helped me and I no longer feel repulsed. I truly wish the best for you.