SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Tonight when you are in bed alone or on the couch and you can’t go to sleep, read this thread

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=620583

Read only the comments by LtCdLost.

He acted Decisively, and while he is still in pain, he is in a lot less pain then if he were to drag this on for months and months and months. It comes down to whether or not you want to tear the Band-Aid off quickly or slowly. It’s still going to hurt, but doing it slowly add a lot more pain.

Good luck to you tonight, and don’t surrender. Hold your ground, you deserve better than Decisively, and while he is still in pain, he is in a lot less pain then if he were to drag this on for months and months and months. It comes down to whether or not you want to tear the Band-Aid off quickly or slowly. It’s still going to hurt, but doing it slowly add a lot more pain.

Good luck to you tonight, and don’t surrender. Hold your ground, you deserve better than her!

Take tomorrow off from work, and go see a lawyer! After that contact his wife.

Contacting his wife and telling her everything, is a moral obligation. She deserves to know what is going on!

Have you spoken to his wife? I would strongly suggest that you phone her, now, while your WW is still away, and share information.

I agree that her non-choice was a choice. Further, her suggestion that she might resent you in a month if she were to curtail her time with her "special friend" speaks volumes. Marriage is a high form of commitment. In general, a married person has no business cultivating intimate personal friendships with members of the opposite sex. On this issue, I side with Billy Crystal's character in "When Harry met Sally": men and women cannot be just friends. Sex is always lurking in the mix.

Sitting/waiting for her to decide, that is hopelessly passive and self-defeating.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 6:22 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

Sweetie it's time to take control of this situation. Stop waiting for your cheating wife to pick you. its time for YOU to pick you. You've been more than patient each time you've outlined your concerns, and each time she shit all over them. Pack up her stuff and leave it by the door, call her, tell her you've decided she can pick up her stuff and get the fuck out, you are nobodies plan B. You deserve better.

The other guy's wife deserves to know she is living a big fat lie.

Your wife made the decision for you. Obviously she is very involved with this other guy.

Find an attorney tomorrow. Show her you will not allow her to continue the disrespect she has for you.

You WILL get angry. Right now you are in shock.

Your wife is lying through her teeth.

She told me she wants to pick me, but is worried she'll resent me for it months from now.

She is married to you, so why is it a tough choice? And what choice is it anyway? Does she think he is going to dump his wife for her, and they start a life together without anyone at work finding out? Seriously, I don't know what he has been saying to her, but she obviously thinks she has a real, viable choice between you and another option. I am sorry to put it that way, but that is how she is acting.

As others have said, you need to call her Mom and find out if she is there, and how long she has been there for. There is a very good chance that the 'drive' was to meet the OM.

She admitted she doesn't want to pick me and then lie and go hang out with as usual.

It is amazing that she admitted that she was likely to do that. And she has been gone for five hours??? How long does it take her to think about whether the marriage is worth saving, or whether it is better to be the side piece of some guy at work? She won't be anything more than that, because I am absolutely certain that no matter what bullshit the guy has given her, he will not demolish his marriage and get stuck paying alimony and child support for the next decade and a half, as well as suffering the fall-out at work, for the sake of whatever has been going on with your wife.

Even if she does pick him, I'm not sure I can tell the other guys wife.

Can you live with yourself allowing that poor woman to be actively cheated on, living a lie? She needs to be told how much time they have been spending alone together, and that your wife is definitely attached to her husband, to the point of not knowing if she wants to be married to you any more.

Your wife is currently a clear and present danger to that family, and that woman deserves to be told about it, so she can take actions to protect herself and her children. Or you can sit by and let her be crapped on. I am sorry to put it that brutally, but it really is as simple as that.

It is not about you being vengeful, it is about you treating that man's wife with the respect that she deserves, and giving her the information she needs to make her own decisions in life. Why hide things from her? You will be actively helping to hide the affair and assisting it to continue, and you are the last person who should be doing that.

Despite all this I still don't want to ruin her professional life.

Isn't that what she is in the process of doing anyway? You seem to be putting more value in her professional reputation than she is, because she has barely been taken on before she is involved in an inappropriate relationship with a married man, and a boss of hers to boot. That was her choice, not yours.

or she worries that I'll behave like this with future friends or if she was assigned a male partner when she gets full time.

It is quite a turnaround for her to be worrying about YOUR behaviour, when it is her behaviour with male 'friends' or workmates that has been called into question by her behaviour. The problem here is how she behaves with the men she works with, not how you react to it. And the answer to her 'fears' is quite simple: "If your relationships with them are not inappropriate, you will have nothing to worry about. So why are you worried? Do you intend to keep doing this with more of the men you work with?"

You have begun taking proactive action by laying it on the line for your wife, and the way forward for you is to continue doing that, because for the majority of the time it has been your wife and the other man controlling this. They actually have very little power, and much to lose, so decisive, independent action on your part can take control of your life back.

I apologise if any of this has come across as harsh. It is not meant that way, but it is meant to help galvanise you into action, and to start driving the action.

Pack up her stuff and leave it by the door, call her, tell her you've decided she can pick up her stuff and get the fuck out, you are nobodies plan B. You deserve better.

^^^This.

Why are you giving HER the choice? You are an adult. You can make decisions, too.

She is absolutely "in love" and coming up with a plan with POSOM. She does not respect you. You are Plan B.

You deserve better than this. File. Tell his wife! Then Send her happily to OM! I'll bet my right arm pit he ditches her. Then she'll be all alone. Poor Lil muffin.

YOU hold all the cards, friend. YOU do. Blow this shit up. Now.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:29 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

M1965 just said what I was thinking. So, your wife is worried she's going to resent *you* because you're the big bad person that wants to take her away from her "friend"? Wooooow. What about your resentment of her spending all this time with him? It's really all about her isn't it? That's cheaterspeak and a mindfuck in the making.

OP,

Your M is in complete crisis right now, hanging by a thread.....and it’s anyone’s guess how far your WW has let this A progress at this time, and the amount of damage she has inflicted on your M.

That said....I am going to hit you with a 2x4 to wake you up here.....

Because a large part of why this crisis has emerged and grown to critical mass in your M is because of how YOU have handled this since the beginning.

You have tried to address this with passive aggressive behaviors from the start.....not one active move to put an end to it....

For example......how you handled the initial joint training situation.

You did not like her interactions with this turd OM.....and you had every right to be upset about it.

But instead of putting your foot down and demanding change.....you ceded your territory as her primary training partner to OM by simply going off to sulk.

Honestly, I think you were hoping your little passive-aggressive fit and departure would cause your WW to immediately come running after you to fix the issue.....but OM already had her attention, so she just rolled with it.

Instead of getting angry and demanding she stop hanging out with OM, you continued to gripe, complain, and make consequence free demands she establish boundaries....and when she ignored these too you sulked more.

How has that passive aggressive approach worked to save your M so far?

IMO....not at all.

Instead it has allowed this poor boundary situation to mestasticize into a cancerous A that is on the verge of destroying your M.

Yet you still won’t take a single active step to discover just how far her betrayal has gone or blow the A up.

Checking her phone record and texts is basically useless at this point because your year of complaining has made your WW very aware that she has to delete any incriminating texts.

Unless you are going to do a data recovery on her phone ASAP, checking the phone daily will be almost useless.

Get a VAR, do a data recovery on her phone, and find out exactly how far the A has gone.....

INFORM POSOM’s BW right now.....and DO NOT tell your WW you are doing it!!

She undoubtedly told OM you were angry and on to them after she left your house before she went to her mom’s.

OM is now actively monitoring to try to intercept any attempt by you to tell his BW.

You need to stop being so passive or your M is toast at this point.

Stop waiting around hoping your WW will finally wake up and come to her senses....she won’t.

If you want ANY chance of saving your M you need to take action ASAP on informing the other BS and finding out just how far down the rabbit hole your WW has gone.

And if you want your M, then stop worrying about your WW’s job more than your M.

Blow this up!!!

[This message edited by Dyokemm at 6:46 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

I am sorry you find yourself here.

I am usually supportive of attempting R, if the spouse is remorseful, accepts their incredibly poor and hurtful decisions and is willing to do the work for change, I don't feel this way in this case, that's not how your wife is presenting!

Though your wife may be in the A fog described by many WW, you have the power to not stay while she works her way through the fog. You can set your boundaries, take back control of your life. I rather suspect your WW's fog may vanish quite quickly if the OBS finds out more details and puts the same ultimatum to her H. In which case, if he picks his wife and three children (likely), your WW may find herself with no "choice" necessary, but rather the realization that she was a side dish. Don't be plan B, you deserve more than that.

Her words do not prove to me that she is a safe partner for you...that she will eventually resent you for picking you, her husband over her "friend"??? What??? Even if it hasn't turned physical, which I rather suspect it has, the ridiculous amount of their personal time they spend together is not appropriate when married to others. You don't need to tolerate that.

My WH is also a first responder and over the course of our M has had 4 LTA, which I have only recently discovered. If I had known his behaviour before we had kids, I would not have stayed, no doubt in my mind. This is a deal breaker for me, always has been. Now, 20 years in and two kids, it's not only me I have to consider in my decisions.

You are young, no children yet together from what I understand, so much life yet to live. See what she is now, someone who is selfish and putting her own needs ahead of yours, despite you expressing your dissatisfaction with her choices. Make yourself a priority and consider yourself worthy of better. You won't regret you did.

Good luck.

[This message edited by hopeandhealing at 6:53 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

OP, your WW has been cheating on you. Mistake

was you confronted your WW before getting proof

that she cannot deny.

Your WW must have NC with this OM and that means

total NC. She can no longer work for they same

company as the OM. For there is no way that WW can

guarantee that she will never see the OM let alone

that she will never be work with him.

Your WW already picked you. It happened at an event called a wedding. The picking is over and done with. You are not available to be picked and neither is she. You are married! Stop putting up with this bullshit.

It looks like you are trying to be open minded and not controlling. Stop it. Act like a man who demands that his wife quit cheating. Good luck.

Fuck where she is now. Look man, you did well and what she does now isn't as important as what you do. In fact it doesn't even matter what she does.

You set your foot down. Now follow through and go get D papers to serve her. You can back out later but it's not really going to hit her (if it ever does) unless you do that.

I'm sorry, brother. I think you need to able to let go in order to have a chance and even then it may not work out. Either way I think you serve her the D papers.

Denial runs deep and long.

Sorry man this kind of crap doesn't end well.

Take the steps to have an effective confrontation no matter how painful it is...

VAR, GPS, spyware, PI.....you need to face this head on.

You can figure out what you want to do after an effective confrontation.

Warped

I have lots of friends. I will meet them occasionally alone for a lunch or breakfast or coffee. Hardly ever dinner unless it’s a big group of them.

Some are male some are female. I never see anyone of them more than once or twice a month.

Most time it’s me and my wife meeting other couples.

I would never spend hours upon hours with any of them multiple times a week. Never after 10p unless it was a concert say til 11. I also would never be out one on one with just a woman multiple times a week until early morning.

My wife would leave me if I did that. I would leave her if she did the same.

You know whom I love spending that amount of time with and sharing most of my waking and sleeping hours with? My wife. SHE is my best friend. She’s the one I look forward to seeing every morning when I wake and when I get home from work and on the weekends and when we exercise.

If I were you, I’d tell my wife that if she can’t be with me and never with him (including leaving her job and finding a new one without him) without resenting me, then we don’t really have a marriage and you’ll work to find your happiness with someone else.

You don’t want to spend time with a woman pining to be with someone else.

Tell her she’s welcome to go find her happiness with him. Wish her well then go serve her with papers.

If she thinks this man is better for her than you are, then tell her she’s free to go.

I want to tell you, there is not one friend, male or female, that I wouldn’t drop in a hot second if they made my wife uncomfortable in any way. She’s the most important person to me. I’d phase them out of my life.

You need to find someone that feels the same about you.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:41 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

OP, you’ve gotten fantastic guidance here, please take it to heart.

Not much to add other than this small summary...If she doesn’t treat you as the #1 concern in her life, then you aren’t, especially considering how long you’ve been married.

You’ve been in this position before, you know what needs to happen now.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 8:57 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

I'm so sorry but the only reason she said anything to you about wanting to pick you was because she's trying to forestall you while she continues the affair.

The pick me dance NEVER works. It's got to be hard and fast this right now or get out. It's as simple as you are on the wrong side of a line get back over here or gtfo and you can have what you want. She has been having both you and this A. Until you show her that won't be the case anymore she's not going to snap out of it.

So she doesn't want to resent you for the "friendship ending"? Tell her "no problem keep the friendship. Just hit the fucking road sweetheart because you aren't going to be my wife any longer." No resentment necessary.

Serve her to show her you are serious and start working on getting yourself to a happy place for you.

Stay Strong,

"It ain't over till it's over" Yogi Berra

3 things I suggest you do:

#1. PROTECT YOURSELF

See an attorney as soon as possible. Get your financial records in order. Determine what is your best course of action. You do not need to file unless it is what you have decided to do. You need to look after your interests.

Paraphrased from Bigger: Sometimes the “file for divorce and have her served at work” stance that’s often quite loud here on SI is adding to the drama rather than making it real. Filing for divorce is only a milestone on the path of divorce. The first step IMHO is simply deciding you don’t want to share your wife and you can’t force her to be with you. So, create conditions that make HER choose, and do so while making YOU an attractive option. You can always divorce her if you want. You no longer are simply reacting. Now you control the narrative.

#2. GET OUT OF INFIDELITY

Tell your wife that you love her. Tell her you love her so much that you don’t want to impede her ability to be happy. You love her so much you can’t even contemplate sharing her. That if she loves someone else more than you then you accept that. You accept that you two are no longer a couple. Tell her you want the best for her because of your love. (Keep you composure when you say this.)

Let her have it. Let her have her “happiness” because something tells me once she has what she wants. Eventually she will figure out this is not what she wanted. [She has not had to deal with a mad wife and 3 children that are not hers in Fantasy Land.] She will turn to something else she really needs and desires. This happens often in screwed up situations like this. OM may choose his wife and 3 children and dump your WW.

She is totally free to be with OM. You are happy that she is happy. Only – she can’t do so as your wife.

You are OK with that decision. You realize that a relationship can’t be healthy if one is more into it than the other. It’s not what you want, but it’s what it is. You can’t make her unlove OM, and you can’t accept sharing.

Now YOU start whatever is needed to get out of infidelity. That includes all actions needed to start the formal dissolution of your marriage. It includes detaching. It includes stopping doing things as a couple. It includes not making expectations to her on things that couples expect of each other: No sex, you don’t make her dinner, she doesn’t do your laundry… You simply start detaching.

Read up on the 180. It’s all about detaching. She wants to talk to you about how she feels for OM

“That’s great. It’s not relevant, though is it? Your choice to be with him sort-of fired me from being your husband and I am doing all I can to detach.”

She wants to talk about next weekend:

“I hope you have an great time. I really want you to be happy. I’m working on my future so I won’t be doing that with you.”

Get it? You give her what she wants. When she sees what its going to cost… her tune may change. Except, you are driving the bus and you do what you wish. Now it is on your terms. By default, then YOU too are free to do what you want.

#3 MAKE IT REAL

A key-factor in dealing with infidelity is making it a reality. Call in the Calvary. Who is the Calvary? The other betrayed spouse. You call on the resources that might help you extinguish the affair. Tell her of the situation. Do not tell your WW. Aid her in dealing with the WSs. This lady is going to be pissed. OM is going to have hell to pay when she finds out your WS is free to be with her husband all the time. Present her with your timeline. She may know more. Refuse to allow your WW to wallow between you and OM.

Your wife… she KNOWS what she’s offering isn’t acceptable, yet she does while it’s all romantic and riding unicorns in the sand along the beach at sunset. Make it REAL. Expose the rust in the White Knights (OM's) armor, make her realize the horn on the unicorn is Paper-Mache and taped on an old nag. Make her deal with reality by responding to her actions for what they are -- deluded and selfish cheating.

Other Calvary Members:

1) Inform anyone else that will help you

heal

2) Inform individuals or organizations

that because of exposure halts the

affair.

Affairs are like blood sucking vampires, they tend to burn up when exposed to the light of day.

Post often, we are here to support you as you journey out of infidelity

.

Read on these pages about the "pick me dance". It's the biggest mistake a BH can make. You are dancing the pick me dance with a giant exclamation point. It is utterly self defeating.

Pick you... Are you not her husband? Why would this be a choice for her? It makes no sense at all. No doubt she is cheating and if you hook her up to a polygraph she would fail.

Start playing hardball and stop being nice. You are the prize and if she isn’t bending over to make it up to you then dump her. You have sat by and let her walk over you.

She is dating another man... You can do better. Run for the hills.

May I ask what her demeanor towards you has been like this past few months while she has been spending more extracurricular time with this friend? It’s not uncommon for a cheating spouse to accuse their spouses of infidelity, or claim they feel neglected/like roommates/love you but not IN LOVE with you, or to snap about generally trivial matters.

Beyond that, what are you looking to achieve? If your wife comes clean saying they had a full blown affair but decided she loves you and wants to recommit to you, would you consider working things out or is that a done deal? I ask because you seem to continue drawing these arbitrary lines (“ok you can hang out but not past 10pm”) and it doesn’t seem to be getting you anywhere. I think her answer about the ultimatum, that she basically isn’t sure because what if you act this way in the future (you know, confronting her about an inappropriate relationship that she acknowledges is hurting the spouses to some degree), is tantamount to saying “I choose him”. If nothing is going on she shouldn’t even need to hum and haw over it.

So many other red flags here. The changing passcode on the phone. The constantly shifting explanations. The lengths of time they spend together is also unusual. You may want to consider cross-checking facts with this guy’s wife. See if she remembers the 2:30am snowy drive home, what was this guy’s story?

In the meantime, stop making ultimatums without enforcing consequences. She will continue to push those boundaries and disrespect your marriage. It’s equivalent to a child holding their breath until they get what they want — it doesn’t work.