SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Agree with the others. She has a BOYFRIEND!! Runs, restaurants, picnics, drinks till 2 am!! They are beyond dating and likely think they are IN LOVE.

Absolutely no doubt in my mind they are having sex, and often.

You don't need to catch them in bed to know this.

If you want the smoking gun, hire the PI.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

So sorry your here. Everyone has already given you great advice, please listen, Trust your gut, trust your gut, trust your gut! From somebody who didn't for sooo long!

You aren't insane. Her actions are completely inappropriate.

I can't imagine a marriage in which that would be acceptable. Not even open marriages because those are built on communication and trust.

I can't even imagine wanting to spend that much time with a man who isn't my husband. Sure, we aren't joined at the hip and we do our own thing but your wife is taking it to the extreme.

I'm sorry that you are here. I'm sorry we can't tell you that you're crazy. I'm sorry that she's probably taken this a lot further than you know.

You are not insane. Chances are good, however, that she will lie, deflect, and gaslight you to the point where you will start questioning your sanity.

So please remember our words: You Are Not Insane.

Normally, this might be true, and the fact that the password on the phone has been changed is a big red flag, but they work together and spend time 'hiking', so an awful lot can be arranged face-to-face, with no digital trail.

If they spend so much time together and can arrange things face-to-face, why the need for the phone to be locked?

They are both adults. If they have the time, since you're not around them 24/7, they have the opportunity. Odds are that they've taken advantage of it. The amount of time they are together probably means she is in "love" with him. She was "driving him home" at 2:30 in the morning without bothering to answer her phone call from you? I have a bridge for sale if you believe that one.

He might be her friend but he is clearly not a friend to the marriage. I would guess that they have crossed the line already. Might not be full sex yet but my spidey senses think their might have been some physical contact. Phone his wife. Make it too uncomfortable for him to continue his friendship with your wife. If you can get into her phone do a message recovery.

Hi Warpedatticus,

Welcome to SI. I am so sorry that you find yourself here with the rest of us BSs ( Betrayed Spouses), but you will find a lot of support, wisdom, and comfort here.

Am I insane or is she cheating?

No, you are not insane. She IS cheating. At the very least she is having an EA (emotional affair), and I would bet my house that it is also a PA (physical affair.)

It is 100% normal for you to feel like you are losing your mind----most of us did too.

I've been cheated on by 2 others girls, including a previous fiancee.

I believe that this ^^^ experience hones your spidey senses even more than if you had never had previous experience being betrayed----it did for me. One thing that all of us BSs here have learned is to trust those gut feelings----they are always true.

You have gotten a lot of good advice from the others above re: how to proceed.

Each time you have confronted her so far, they have taken their A(Affair) further underground.

Find the proof you need (but don't ever reveal your sources.)

Tell POSOM's (piece of sh*t other man's) BW (betrayed wife), but do not tell your WW (wayward wife) or POSOM that you are going to do that. She has a right to know, and this way there will be 2 pairs of eyes on them.

Is there anyone in their place of work who you could talk to confidentially, to get more information?

Sending you strength.

If you handle this passively they're going to cheat if they haven't already. If I suggested to my sunshine girl that I go running with another woman she'd shut that down pronto. I would do the same to her. If anyone is running with anyone it's us with each other and nobody else.

Even if they're not cheating this guy is a total douche bag. What business does a married man with small children have spending so much time with your wife? He should be home spending that time with his family. He's a direct threat to your marriage and needs to be cut from your lives 100%. If he isn't, I don't think your marriage will survive.

Yep, I agree with the rest. The are all red flags. I'm sorry, but I think she's cheating, and likely physically too. There are issues to consider here like pregnancy, STD's, and etc. Just because you can't "prove" it doesn't mean your gut is wrong. I made the mistake of not listening to my gut, and lost six months staying with exPOS when I should have been gone out of there.

I'm really sorry you're here, but this place is the best. Keep posting, it helps.

Don’t be me!!! Don’t let an “innocent” friendship ruin your M.

If your wife isn’t talking to you in front of him or meeting with all three of you, then she’s cheating. Sex or no sex. It’s cslled an “emotional affair” and I doubt it has not escalated.

BTW - you don’t need proof. Staying out to 2 am with a guy “friend” - she has crossed the line.

So my suggestion is you tell her you know she has been cheating. She will deny it. She will say prove it. You tell her “I don’t have to prove it. You have lied to me and disrespected me and our M!”

Tell her to either admit the A or you will leave. She cannot continue to lie. And explain “lying by omission “ in case she thinks she is smarter than you. Not being honest - leaving out details - is lying.

Tell her you will not stand there and be lied to. When she lies tell her she has one more opportunity to be honest. If not - conversation over AND leave the room.

Have a plan B in place. Ready to execute. She leaves or you leave or you are prepared to leave. Do not subject yourself to her lies and gaslighting.

I’m not saying D. But the A and aftermath require you to be prepared. The cheater behavior is typical and usually so typical you can write the script. That’s why the BS call it the cheater handbook.

It goes like this: ( cheating spouse speaking)

I did not cheat.

Nothing going on.

Further into the conversation they will admit they “hung out together” but there was no sex. We did not kiss.

Okay we kissed but it was only once.

Fast forward to they did not have sex. He touched me but my clothes were on.

You get the picture. CS have sworn up and down they went to a hotel room but did not have sex. Seriously?! No one believes that.

Get prepared. Be ready for it.

She is likely cheating, at least an emotional affair. A good read is "Not Just Friends".

Update:

Earlier today we just sat down and spoke about everything, I made her read the timeline of all of this. Similar to what I initially posted.

She said seeing the timeline of events, makes it look worse than it is, and definitely shows her how wrong its been.

She admitted that she doesn't think his wife is thrilled with the time her husband and my wife spend together. I was quick to say shouldn't that be a red flag to both of you that the people you're married to aren't happy with your collective behaviour. She didn't real respond just kinda nodded.

Because we've tried various other solutions, I told her flat out Him or I.

We talked through literally everything, including what we'll have to do moving forward to rebuild trust.

She told me she wants to pick me, but is worried she'll resent me for it months from now, or she worries that I'll behave like this with future friends or if she was assigned a male partner when she gets full time. She admitted she doesn't want to pick me and then lie and go hang out with as usual.

After the talk she left for a drive for a bit, and then went to talk to her mom. She's confided in her mom about this conflict before.

Waiting for her to return home, but not being able to instinctively end the relationship/friendship to save our marriage in itself feels like an answer.

Not the answer I was expecting/hoping for but looks an awful lot like she's picking him.

I wish I could be more vengeful, and full of rage, but I'm been sitting at home for 5+ hours now, wondering what's going to happen tonight. Even if she does pick him, I'm not sure I can tell the other guys wife. Despite all this I still don't want to ruin her professional life.

I just want a resolution either way. Either figure out whats next for my life, or figure how we move forward.

So i continue to sit here and wait...

I greatly appreciate everyones feedback, it helps take the load off my shoulders.

Given the circumstances you find yourself in I am glad you found us. There is a tremendous amount of wisdom on this site regarding how to get out of infidelity.

As other members have pointed out, you are not insane. Your wife is cheating. It is in all probability physical. She seems to have a significant emotional attachment. She has definitely left the marriage and is in another relationship based on the information you provided. I am sorry. She has created an alternative life with her boss. Based upon your description of activities they appear as boyfriend and girlfriend.

I am sorry for what she decided.

Keep us posted. You do not have to walk this path alone.

I updated to reflect recent events.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 8:10 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

I am so sorry.

If she didn’t jump at the opportunity of saying I pick you up I pick you up I pick you, there is at least of shred of doubt in her mind.

I strongly suggest that no matter what she says when she comes back from a ride and her conversation with mommy, you need to go see a lawyer tomorrow!

You can not, I repeat cannot allow her any wiggle room on this!

You have been married for far too short amount of time for this. You should still be in the honeymoon phase where everything is still all lovey-dovey, and there is no other man in the world but you.

Personally, in an attempt to show your strength, and your refusal to tolerate this BS, when she comes back in, and says I choose you, I would tell her that that offer is no longer on the table. And tell her that you are thinking about filing for divorce tomorrow! I would do this whether you are thinking about reconciliation or divorce. You need to shake her out of her fantasy world. You need to make sure that she knows that her nice little comfortable world is about to come tumbling down unless she gets her stuff together immediately. And I would also Tell her that if you, that’s right, you, choose that you were going to offer reconciliation as an option, a poly graph test will be a minimum requirement

I also believe that you need to talk face-to-face with that piece of shit wife, and tell her about this conversation and about how she is looking for wiggle room so that she can still spend time with her husband

[This message edited by Kamstel at 5:14 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

So you have the talk with her, she leaves to talk with her mom.

Sorry, man....she went to see him. This is straight up cheater behavior. She is with him right now.

Golden R s 100% correct!

Call the mothers house immediately, and tell the mother you need to talk to her right now! And let’s see if she is really there.

[This message edited by Kamstel at 5:18 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

Yes, unfortunately I think Golden R and Kamstel are correct; she is likely with him and not her mom.

She may be asking him to leave his W and be with her. If he rejects that idea (can’t leave his kids, right?), she’ll decide it’s OK to come back to you and sneak around with him before/after work. Don’t commit to any future with her tonight or anytime soon and see a lawyer tomorrow to learn your rights in this situation. Given the M is 1.5 years and no kids you may be able to unwind non-emotional things pretty easily.

If there is any hope for saving your M you have to put your foot down HARD and NOW. Given what you’ve allowed so far, I suspect that will be very difficult for you, but better late than never. She needs to be snapped back into reality. Hopefully, some members who were able to do this can help you develop a plan.

Good luck!

Don't back up.

You should have nipped this in the bud earlier now they've probably developed feelings, etc at the very least.

Sorry you are in this spot. I was in the exact same position a year ago. My XW did the exact same thing after the talk. She left and spent time with him. A day later she moved out. Of course she kept stringing me a long for months so I could be a plan B. The collective wisdom on SI normally gets it right. Even as hard as it is to listen to the advice.

Despite all this I still don't want to ruin her professional life.

Well this may not be up to you. She may do this to herself. My XW and her OM both were let go from their company. Both losing six-figure jobs. She is now fully supported by him as she has not found work in almost 5 months.

Sir, your wife is with him... Right. Now. You have to take control here. Blow the whole thing up. Notify their job, notify the OBS, and file for D.

Lay it all out in detail to obs.

Loverboy will likely drop her like a hot rock.

Separately, your wife is no longer committed to you or the marriage, i.e., "She told me she wants to pick me, but is worried she'll resent me for it months from now."

That sounds like teen shit.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 5:53 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]