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Newbegginings, firstly, I’m so sorry you’re here.

Secondly, I entirely agree hes painting himself to be some kind of brave soul, chasing his happy but doing it by being open and honest and it’s a pile of utter bullshit.

I suspect as you do that you are dealing with a highly manipulative AP who is playing the ‘I will not be the OW’ card, ‘it’s her or me’. My WHs AP was one of those and he initially left because of it BUT it wasn’t an exit affair it ended up being your common rainbows and pixies limerant affair, crashing and burning once shown the light of day.

My concern here is his admittance that he has cheated on you before twice. Both times he didn’t do it through his declarations of ‘chasing his demons’ he did it through the normal cheater road of sneaking around, lying and betraying his spouse. I fear that if this woman wasn’t so hell bent on him leaving that this would be another common affair.

He’s a serial cheater.

He is absolutely not the man you thought he was.

I can see you’re very strong, very focussed and determined to do the right thing for yourself and little one. Keep reading, keep researching, stay NC and reach out. The separation and divorce forum is a lovely supportive place to go and get advice in staying NC and grey rocking.

This man may come slimeing back when lala fantasy pixie land goes tits up, you need to have your wits about you to ensure the best route forward for yourself and your daughter (whatever that might be).

Sending you hugs, you have your head screwed on but I know that even when you have inner strength, there are moments of pure hurt and pain.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:48 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

Unfortunately we have been very open and honest throughout our relationship (obviously not the cheating on his part) and now it adds further pain to the wounds. He has described the OW in great detail and I feel like I know her now. A lot of what he says worries me but he isn’t my responsibility anymore and if I wants to run in front of that bus then I have to watch him do so. He is trying to justify is actions in so many ways but like u said he’s a serial cheater and he thinks that she’s the one and worth destroying everything he had. The counsellor pointed out to him that he maybe approached the decision pragmatically and didn’t think of the actual consequences, to which he agreed. He said that he has finally realised what the future may look like with me and his daughter due to the actions he has taken.

He has sent me two images that consist of questions related to fear, anger, pain, understanding and love. It asks such things like: what am I angry about? Who do I blame? What about this makes me sad? I am so hurt by? What am I scared of? What part of this situation do I take responsibility for? What do I regret? Etc. There are 30 of them. He has answered them and wants me to consider doing the same and we share them. I ask myself why does he want me to do this? What is he hoping it will achieve?

He has sent me two images that consist of questions related to fear, anger, pain, understanding and love. It asks such things like: what am I angry about? Who do I blame? What about this makes me sad? I am so hurt by? What am I scared of? What part of this situation do I take responsibility for? What do I regret? Etc. There are 30 of them. He has answered them and wants me to consider doing the same and we share them. I ask myself why does he want me to do this? What is he hoping it will achieve?

Kibbles... delicious, fortifying kibbles. It feeds his ego, let's him know he's still got centrality in your life, allows him to manage the optics so he gets to think of himself as a pretty good guy who's just growing in a different direction.

Unless you've got an overwhelming urge to stick your head in the mindfuck blender, I'd probably just ignore it. What helps YOU to heal and to get some distance is NC. You're at no obligation to be of any further assistance to a guy who has essentially fired you from that job, certainly not as fodder for his overactive sense of self-importance. If he's a poor little confused muffin (he's not)... that's HIS problem. He can extricate his own head from the blender.. or from wherever he's keeping it.

((big hugs)) You've got this.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 1:11 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]

You’re right chamomile tea. When I got the images I thought WTF?! Why would I want to do this and share it with you. I have told him I would consider it and let him know (in other words....I have no intention of completing this and if I did I wouldn’t let you know or share it with you). He suggested we could use them in our next counselling session. Why the hell would we do that? How can somebody act like their head is all over the place when it isn’t. I might suggest that taking a look at his would help me! Would be an interesting read. My IC counsellor suggested in the beginning that we write to each other but it was too raw at the time and letters are always available to go over and over. Now NC doesn’t allow that sort of bullshit or demonstration of weakness on my part.

God, pass me a book on how to manage men, men who are so wrapped up in their own worlds and have actually lost the plot in the process.

Yep... kibbles and this is exactly why I suspect this isn’t an exit affair. He’s trying to eat cake. He’s keeping you hooked.

Ignore these. Tell him straight. You made your decision now leave me alone. I want to move on with my life.

This man isn’t in love with her, he’s in love with himself and what he can get from playing two women. Don’t play. Ignore the messages. Don’t do the pick me dance. It NEVER works.

As I said he’s a serial cheat and she’s just third in his line but more manipulative than the other two (that you know of).

If you want him to pull his head out his arse (and I’d caution you about that with a serial cheat) there’s only one way and that’s no contact and draw an absolute line in the sand. And then watch and wait.

Please don’t let him play his cat and mouse with you! You’re the prize!!!

Are you sure you need all this drama with counselling? I mean, IC for yourself is fine, but what is there to discuss with the guy who abandoned his M and child?

He is playing mind games with you. Just because he did not keep his AP secret [mostly because of her pushing him], does not make him less of a cake eater.

He tries to keep friendship and safety of the relationship with you, pretty much stringing you along as his plan B, meanwhile exploring the relationship with OW and indulging in novelty and excitement of it. In essence your role is to wait how things will work out with OW. You might even get lucky, if he has problems with OW down the road, he could return and continue from where he left.

In reality though, he lost all rights to be near you and expect anything from you. Even if he dropped OW right now, you are not under any obligation to pick up this pathetic cheater.

Sometimes, loving someone means giving them a harsh life lesson and even leaving them.

Bloody hell,

Its like he wants to keep you as his puppet with him being in control of the strings.

I'm so sorry you are here, however you have definitely found the best place for help, support & advice.

Only Look after you & your DD now, he doesn't get to be a part of that anymore after choosing someone else over you both.

Im with Free on this...whats the point of MC when you no longer have a marriage together? IC for you yes, but MC for you both? I just don't understand why when he has made his choice already.

Stay strong your doing exceptionally well considering your situation.

Newbegginings,

You have gotten some great advice and you seem to be handling it all the best that you can in this situation.

I'm curious about this:

He wants to now control my decisions moving forward.

What do you mean by that? How is he wanting to control you? He wants to chase a coworker but control your life?? Uhm, no!

Jadejangel - I will never know why he wants to take control. Has he always been controlling? Is this situation now making him controlling? Does he think he can control me more than he the OW? The latter being the most possible answer. As he knows me more than her. However, this girl has been hurt to the deepest level and isn’t in the mood anymore to be told or controlled. She wants out and wants it now! This has been shared with him and he has crapped his pants ever since. He now knows what it feels like and doesn’t know how to deal with me. He’s got to ‘deal’ with his ‘loss’ and the fear of being taken to the cleaners.

I’ve been extremely close to his mum for 15 years also, so have had to distance myself from her. She cares for me but at the end of the day he’s her son. She doesn’t help matters either in my head because she is convinced he is making he biggest mistake of his life and she can see/feel the extreme devastation he is causing.

I will have a look at separation and divorce forum. Think that’s where my thoughts belong now. The NC works wonders because I don’t have to constantly try to analyse his words and actions. I’m not completing the reflective piece he suggested and won’t be attending any further counselling sessions with him. We have paid for the next one so I am going to suggest we cancel but go alone.

Good for you NB,

You are definitely showing him his cake eating is over,

It’s bizarre how he actually had the audacity thinking he could stay in control of the outcome.

He has to live with his decisions now.

Stay strong we are all rooting for you

((((Hugs))))

Thank you bigblueeyes. I am definitely trying to show him that. It is so hard to be in this situation. You have just good days and positive thinking to then be brought right back down to earth with a bang! It should be a form of torture.

The: tell him straight. You made your decision, now leave me alone. I want to get on with my life from Dragonfly is very powerful. I am going to right this down and keep reading it over. So it’s tattooed into my brain and can be the instant response to him at every opportunity.

Please keep ur posts coming, they help me enormously in times were I have wobbles and can’t see the wood for the trees. I’m fed up with thinking ‘what if?’ Im fed up of trying to rationalise his decision. I’m fed up of thinking why he feels he ‘has to let me go’. The answer to the final one, is because he wants something else and he’s prepared to do whatever to get it and his ‘support’ and control for me is easing his conscience. I think he actually believes what he says now. He is doing me a favour, I just can’t see or appreciate this yet.

He has sent me two images that consist of questions related to fear, anger, pain, understanding and love. It asks such things like: what am I angry about? Who do I blame? What about this makes me sad? I am so hurt by? What am I scared of? What part of this situation do I take responsibility for? What do I regret? Etc. There are 30 of them. He has answered them and wants me to consider doing the same and we share them. I ask myself why does he want me to do this? What is he hoping it will achieve?

Digging for information he can use to manipulate you. Don't give it to him.

New Beginnings -

Have you told him he needs to find another place to live? Because he does.

I'm so sorry NB. I agree with the others and save your money with the MC. No need to go if that's not where you're at. If he's a manipulator he will manipulate that situation too.

We all know how hard it is to say you made your decisions now f*ck off and leave me alone to the person that you have spent years loving.

I hope you're strong enough to do it. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

I know this is worst thing to have to endure but you are doing very well in your attitude and approach. You are smart and strong! He can never take that away from you.

There are 30 of them. He has answered them and wants me to consider doing the same and we share them. I ask myself why does he want me to do this? What is he hoping it will achieve?

This is him donning his make-believe hero's cape so the world can see (including you) what a good and honorable guy he is. He is simply trying to make himself feel better. He feels guilty and being this hero character somehow justifies his dastardly actions. My guess is it's some type of closure he's trying to achieve.. for HIS sake. It does make me wonder if he is also doing this to impress the OW. "See what an honorable guy I am. I have changed. I would never cheat on YOU!" What a farce.

If he really cared about your well-being he would have never cheated on you multiple times. Some people just don't get the extent of the damage they do. They are so self-absorbed they can't think beyond their own desires. In no way do you deserve to be treated like this. You are clearly an intelligent and caring woman who deserves so much better.

Actually from the way you are handling things along with your grasp of the situation it's apparent that YOU are the one in control here, not his sorry self. Let him think and do what he pleases. You know whose really steering your ship, and it's not the little cowardly man-child playing dress-up hero in his twisted fantasy world.

He no doubt will keep trying to hook you for more kibbles-n-cake, and he may even panic and come crawling back. But please be wary since this guy is a serial cheater and apparently has no clue and no culpability for his actions. I think he's in for a big wake-up call. No need to play his games. He is not in control. YOU are the captain Newbeginnings.

Stay strong and know that you have a soft place to land here whenever you need it. We're here for you.

he wants something else and he’s prepared to do whatever to get it and his ‘support’ and control for me is easing his conscience.

Yes! He is willing to do whatever it takes to get what he wants. This is a huge red flag revealing major clues to the type of person you are dealing with. Read over the 180 information as many times as it takes, and keep posting here for support and strength (as well as ears, shoulders, and hugs because this stuff is HARD). You are sharp and perceptive, never doubt it for a second.

You’ve absolutely got this NB.

One word to the wise ‘you can’t make sense of the senseless’. He’s high on the hormones racing around his system from this limerant infatuation with the AP. I really think these sorts of affairs are addictions. The link between infidelity and addiction seems very strong.

He hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing so how on earth can you?!?!

He’s utterly broken. A father prepared to walk out on his family for some bottom feeding AP is quite clearly uttterly broken.

But you also have a back drop of two previous APs and this weird controlling, manipulative, game playing, cake eating, ego kibble obsessed behaviour. This is where I think he’s really damaged and why you need to get away while you can.

You’re rocking this. Absolute NC and repeat the mantra!

He’s currently living with his parents. Where his mother is doing his washing and ironing and his dad is burying his head. What sort of parents are they? Mine would hit the roof if I had done something slightly similar. But maybe that’s why I have morals and care about others.

Him trying to get closure is an interesting and true statement. And him In his hero cape trying to convince me, others and her that he is now free of his demons and on the ‘right’ road makes me actually laugh out loud. The hurt that penetrates through me is the complete devastation someone could cause and still walk the streets. The injustice, but life’s not easy and I will learn a hell of a lot after this. Never allow someone to be in control of your destiny. I will have my own house when we sell up. That will be mine and only mine. He can’t come in, have an opinion on decor and no one will ever be allowed to take it away from me.

No I definitely can’t sense the senseless and I think that’s another statement I need to write down to remind myself when I have these wobbles. I am currently compiling many in a book to carry around to ensure I stay on track. I’m in control and I am captain of my ship!

'Hell hath no fury....'

You have shown incredible strength Newbeginnings and have gained admiration from the many other betrayed spouses who have read your sad story on here. I wish I'd been as grounded as you following my own D-Day!

If you are firmly set on the path of divorce it would be worth considering playing the long game. We don't know your financial situation but it may pay you to 'soften' him up a bit and hopefully persuade him to go for an amicable 'consent order' settlement agreed between your solicitors and signed off at court rather than a contested divorce. Win the war by subterfuge! How you deal with the cheating scumbag after that is your prerogative.

Good luck whichever path you decide to take.

(((Nb24)))

I had planned to sit and wait it out but can’t wait anymore. I want the scumbag out of my life. I don’t want to have any connection to him anymore, other than our daughter of course. We have agreed loosely what we both want but I am all too aware that I can’t trust him anymore so solicitors May become involved. I’ve had advice myself and know what I am entitled to. However, I’m not interested in taking him for everything. Not because of fear but because I don’t need to and two wrongs don’t make a right. I also have to think about others that I will damage in the process to. Like his parents who have helped us a lot financially and haven’t asked for this. I will walk away with a large amount and be able to have a house mortgage free of my own. Ok it won’t be a big house but it will be big enough for my daughter and I and will be our little sanctuary. The massive decision is to continue to live around here where my work, friends and childcare is or to move 30 minutes away back to where my family are and where I was brought up. I feel like even though I have spent 15 years building a life here I no longer want to be here. I no longer want to be available for him to continue to pull that chain. But I don’t want to run away and make a big mistake.