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I am so sorry, this is the most difficult thing to go through. The only advice I can offer (my WH had an exit affair) is to keep putting it on him to do the work if he truly wants to stay. And, more importantly, do you want him to stay? Is what he's done is a deal-breaker for you? You absolutely do not have to decide right now. Self care and distancing are to protect you from further hurt, and 180 is to put distance there so you can re-orient yourself and heal.

By him saying it would have been easier for him to stay and do the work, does he mean he wants to stay? If he is set on leaving, these words of his seem very off to me.

Have you read the articles in the Healing Library? See the yellow box, top left of the screen. In there you will find so much helpful information. Sometimes the shock of filing for divorce right away can snap the wayward spouse out of it, but you would be doing this for your own sake. There is a saying here on SI: sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. The more subtle aspect to this is that you need to protect yourself no matter what happens with the M.

What you have experienced and are going through is highly disorienting. There is no right or wrong way to respond.

Hi burninghouse, no he is adamant that he can’t stay rather than he doesn’t want to stay and blames this on him not being good enough/right for me. He said in counselling last night that if there was a switch he could flick to be with me and be faithful he would flick it. He continues to tell me he loves me and breaks down when he says this. I don’t understand him and his blurred emotions. I just think that if I had made this decision and was 100% certain I wouldn’t be so upset or expressing deep feelings still for someone I had given up and walked away from.

Good question...what do I want and do I want him back? I know that I don’t want to feel like I do anymore and to me there was too much to give up in our relationship to throw it all away. I still love him as much as I always did and have days where I miss the contact we had. But he has to agree to that which he isn’t. He just wants friendship, unicorns and fairytales like someone pointed out on here. I’m very impatient and don’t/won’t wait around. What we had, house, life etc has been ruined to a certain extent so I would have to change it all to recover myself and us if that was ever the case.

Keep up with your 180. Drop the joint counseling. You are doing very well. Divide assets, lawyer up, and let him see life without you. We are all here for you.

I wish there were kind ways to say this but there aren’t. He has moved on. He wants out but doesn’t want drama. I hate when ws drag things out keeping the bs in a turmoil.

Take charge of your life. He has no right to do this to you. Find your anger and use it to get him out.

...what do I want and do I want him back? I know that I don’t want to feel like I do anymore and to me there was too much to give up in our relationship to throw it all away. I still love him as much as I always did and have days where I miss the contact we had. But he has to agree to that which he isn’t. He just wants friendship, unicorns and fairytales...

It sounds to me like it would be good to disabuse him of the notion that he gets to keep anything of you once he's thrown you away. That means no friendship, no understanding, no nostalgia. What he's deciding is that he doesn't want to be anything other than a noxious entry on a shared parenting app. But as long as his fantasy stays alive, that he can have an ex-wife who's still supportive and fond of him and keep whatever skank he's hooked up with, what's his incentive to change? He's got cake and he's eating it too.

I gave my fWH about 30 seconds to decide if he was "all in" or "all out", and he's still here because he knows what being "all out" meant. It meant loss of reputation with friends and family members, loss of the respect of his children, loss of half his worldly goods and half of his retirement... and it meant loss of ME in every imaginable capacity.

I know how scary it is to feel like if you stand up for yourself that you're risking everything. But the fact is, this guy isn't everything. It just feels that way because you're emotionally enmeshed. And frankly, there's risk as well in not being forceful enough. I've seen it happen again and again. The BS is too anxious about losing the marriage to effectively negate the affair fantasy, so the WS eases his way out at his own pace and comfort.

Anyway, there's a book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson which might help you resolve the enmeshment. It will turn your focus toward your own healing so that no matter how this thing pans out, you'll be more confident in your ability to handle it.

((hugs))

Thank you everyone your advice defo helps keep me focused in times of complete immobilisation from anxiety and pain.

All my friends and family have been telling me the same for weeks, but unfortunately it had to come from within and now it is here. I’ve stopped all contact with him for over a week now. He doesn’t know where I am or what I am doing. Ive told him to move all items from the house that are his when I’m not here. He isn’t allowed to phone or text me and I contact him when I have our daughter to update him. I’ve put a stop to all FaceTime he has with her. She’s only 3 and doesn’t appreciate it anyway, so it had to go.

I am going to start making steps to declutter the house and put it on the market. I’ve applied for all benefits I’m entitled to without him knowing. We have booked and paid for next counselling session but think I might go alone. Would be interesting to hear what the counsellor actually thinks about him and the situation. No doubt she will also say run! Just to give you a bit of history that has only dawned on me since D-day. His dad did the same, his brother is currently having an affair, his sister left her husband and his other brother has cheated on his wife! Why the hell would I want to stay?!

You’ve shifted into *forward.* That is good. Taking control feels so much better than some schmuck telling you how it’s all gonna go.

Screw him.

Well done. Read that book anyway though. It really helps because the author does a good job explaining the biochemical reaction of the brain and the body. Once you understand what's happening to you physiologically, you'll feel more confident.

((big hugs))

Great, thanks I will defo get that book. My IC recommended

Love and the Mystery of Betrayal: Recovering Your Trust and Faith after Trauma, Deception, and Loss of Love. Which is on its way.

Onwards and upwards and confidence in knowing that I can love, be faithful and commit to one person after doing so for 15 years.

I will be back soon no doubt with my next wobble on my rollercoaster ride of an exit affair.

he is adamant that he can’t stay rather than he doesn’t want to stay and blames this on him not being good enough/right for me.

He is right that he's not good enough for you. However, he refuses or simply lacks the ability to see that he's indeed making a choice. Seems like he is using as an excuse "This is bigger than me, so I can't stay. I have no other choice because it's beyond me." He may actually believe this, but the truth is he cannot face HIS CHOICES and HIS ACTIONS, so he is running away. Classic abandoner behavior and so very damaging. Basically, he is too weak to face his own shit right now. Instead, he blew up the marriage. He may even think what he's doing is honorable because it's so hard but that he must do it. You and I and most everyone else can see right through this. This is part of his fantasy-unicorn land that he's bent on making a so-called reality.

Let him go and stay strong. Practice the 180 as much as possible. Refuse to let him "cake eat" which it seems he has been doing to an extent by wanting to see you while he is still with her. Cake eating is a miserable position to be put in when you are the BS. It can give false hope, and the repeated "endings" of the relationship are agonizing. I went through months of this before I knew what was truly behind the dark curtain hiding his deceit, lies, and multiple affairs. I know our situations are not entirely the same, so I hope my sharing is helpful in some way. You have a good head on your shoulders. I'm sure you already get most if not all of this.

When I finally started to find my anger it was very helpful, but there was a sea of sadness to deal with as well. In the meantime, doing a hard 180 will help protect you emotionally. Find a good lawyer. Interview a few before choosing one (they have widely differing approaches). Some will charge for an initial consultation, but it's worth it to find a good one. Find one you are comfortable with and that you trust. Stick with your IC. Surround yourself with friends and family who love and support you.

Self care also means drinking plenty of water, exercising, getting out into nature, spending quality time with your child and people who love you, not stuffing your feelings yet giving yourself breaks from the turmoil, eating healthy and avoiding junk food, avoiding alcohol, journaling, etc. Try to get enough sleep. If you have nightmares, consider keeping a dream journal. There is often a lot that comes up to process. In short: go easy on yourself, and do what is good for you.

Remember you are the center of the storm. Let the storm blow and rage all around you. You can't avoid that part. But if you hold to the center - to your center - you will not be tossed and turned as much. You will bend and flex, but you will not break because you are rooted in your own strength. Hold to your inner strength and at the same time continue to reach out for support. Make room for your feelings and then let them go (easier said than done). I hope this makes sense.

What he did and is doing is beyond shitty and makes me angry and sad for you. At the same time I understand how your heart can go out to him, that at times you feel bad for him, and that you still love and care for him deeply. Your feelings are completely normal and to be expected.

(Apologies for the long response)

I’m very impatient and don’t/won’t wait around.

No one here would ever recommend you waiting around if he is still seeing the OW even if he doesn't want a D. Why? Because it doesn't work! There's another support forum that I read on some times that isn't infidelity focused and the spouses who wait around while their clearly WS lives the single life wait for YEARS. It has nothing to do with you being impatient and everything to do with how it's not in anyone's best interest to wait around and hope their WS comes back to them.

His dad did the same, his brother is currently having an affair, his sister left her husband and his other brother has cheated on his wife! Why the hell would I want to stay?!

Exactly. Looks like it's a way of life for them.

You're doing great. Keep it up.

New Beginnings, you have a small child, so I would guess you are a fairly young woman, with your whole life ahead of you.

I found out about my H’s long term infidelity when I was much older than you. I WISH I had found out earlier, even though my children were small. I would have walked away from that marriage and begun a better life.

What he is doing to you is no less than cruel. You deserve so much more. He is a baby-man, weak, needy and wanting a fantasy life. You are right, your baby daughter deserves a better father. He is leaving her as well, so he doesn’t deserve her.

I hope you realize that if you gave him the impression that you were already “over him”, self assured, confident, independent and equally excited about your new life without him, he would be crawling back, begging for your forgiveness and terrified of losing this life with you.

But the question remains, do you want a life with this type of man? Reconciliation is no picnic. We are doing our best due to a long marriage and history, children and grandchildren, finances, being used to one another and caring for one another, but even now, almost eight years after discovery, some days are hell.

Thank you so much. These posts help enormously. I have so many dips in emotion and it’s great to hear what people have to say and reassurance that I can do this.

The storm and rage around me paragraph is powerful and I have written it down. I might even laminate it and put it up in my house!

I’m 32 so have plenty of time to become happy and meet someone else when I am ready. I’ve got a close family and lots of friends who are surrounding me at this time. I’m trying to take each morning, afternoon and evening as they come. Not to think too much into the future. That’s too frightening at this stage and something we do in devastation but wouldn’t usually in life.

You’re right when you say he cannot face his choices and he is running away. If what he was saying was the case then he would do this honourable thing all by himself. But he is WEAK and NEEDS ow to help him. Another dangerous twist to his decision. Well she can have him, he’s damaged goods that I don’t have to deal with anymore!

I love your attitude! I am 1.5 years out from D-day but I'm also getting so much from your posts. I can identify with much of what you are saying, and your strength is admirable and inspiring.

When you say you avoid thinking too much about the future because it is too frightening, I completely get this. Staying in the moment, staying with what is right in front of you - going with the next single step only - or at times just being in the present and knowing that right now in this moment you are safe, and you are okay - getting this part was a life-saver for me. Instinctively and intuitively you already know this and are practicing it. This will serve you and your little one so very well.

You are right, if he were being so-called honorable and just *had* to leave, he would do so and pursue his dreams (aka his demons ) in a way that would not - through his lies, cheating, and deception - blatantly destroy others' lives, especially his wife and child! That he says he is "not good enough for you" is just another lame excuse to side-step responsibility for his actions. If, in his mind he is "no good," he is still shifting the blame onto something he seemingly has no control over. "I am no good, therefore I can't help myself." Bullshit! My WH said something similar, and although on some level I sensed this was bullshit it took me a bit to see it for what it is. A good friend who gets it helped me see this more clearly. I think you see it very clearly.

You are right to let him have his ridiculous fantasy world made up of lies, deceit, cowardice, glitter and fairy dust. I like to think of it this way: let him be HER problem now, and good luck to them both! Ok, the last bit there is total sarcasm, but they will certainly need luck for the mess of a relationship they are creating.

You have strong intuition, and you also have something that he doesn't and that no one can take away from you, and that is you know yourself, you know your values, and because of that you can live by them. Someone who has no clue who they are or what they stand for, can't possibly do that. Another way to think of it: who on earth holds cheating and lying, not to mention abandonment of wife and child, as values? Can't happen. He doesn't have a clue. Maybe someday he will, who knows. Keep doing what you're doing.

Also, you are right. You will find happiness again once you get through this mess. I have complete faith in your ability to withstand this storm, move on, and have a good and happy life. You are going to be okay.

NB I just wanted to say you're amazing and I am just in awe of you.

You are gonna be just fine :)

OMG Ellie and burninghouse, I can’t believe how strong your posts make me feel this morning. It is a constant reminder that my gut is right and I need to keep my head down and crack on. And when he is around keep my head high with dignity and grace. All of what you say is so spot on and it is allowing me to actually ‘get to know’ what the frightening stranger he is. I’ve spent weeks trying to dissect how someone could do this? How could I not see it? Why would you do this to someone you love? I will never know/get this because I don’t have the ability to shatter someone’s life for my own gratification. Bring on my happy future and his tragedy waiting to happen!

Already had a text this morning ‘hope you guys are both ok’. 1. I told you not to ask so he thinks changing this to a statement works differently, 2. How can two people who’s lives you have just destroyed be anything but ok, and 3. Piss off and get on with your perfect life.

Agree with burning house. Prioritize what needs to be done. This is going to sound like a simple thing but I promise you it gives you some sense of power. Buy a spiral notebook. Put today’s date on the first page and write down a list of everything you can think of that needs to be done. Give yourself some time, some deep breaths, and then look at the list again, then prioritize what is the next thing that must be done. Put that at the top. Make that list next to the original list. As you get the first thing done mark through it with a yellow marker. Believe it or not, that gives you some sense of control over your life. Each day start off with a new page and the list. As you have marked things off from the previous day you do not put them on the next list. You will notice that your list shrinks. It means that you are putting 1 foot in front of the other and getting your life straightened out. You are doing it. You are in control of it. Those yellow marks allow you to see how much you have progressed even in the midst of turmoil. I don’t care how many electronics we have there is something satisfying about holding something in front of us as simple as a piece of paper with a list of things we have accomplished.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 9:26 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

NB24, I am very sorry for the trauma that your husband child has so unfairly delivered to you. For what it is worth, I wish my fWW would have approached me exactly as your self serving jerk of a husband did you, as it would have saved me many years of the post A false R anguish. Most of the tales of great grief and suffering here on SI are in some way related to the trickle torture served up by the cheating spouse, often over the span of years.

I know you are hurting and it all is so unfair. But you can take some positive from being freed from the ball and chain that is your husband. Don't try to figure his irrational brokenness out. He is wrapping his inner selfishness and broken character in a collection of fluffy words and sentences that are as nonsensical as he is. The reason he cheats: full of self, lack of character. It is not any deeper than that. As for not being who you thought he was - with his previous multiple A's, he is likely much more like he has always been than like who you thought he was.

Stay strong. Accept the support for your family and friends. Grieve, accept, move on to that place you deserve. You will fly out of this mire to a healthier life.

Whew, I'm really sorry you're dealing with this particular flavor of asshole. It sounds like yours is telling you "I don't want the marriage anymore, but you're useful to me in these areas, so I want to keep you around to fulfill those things." The balls on this guy. Mine at least had the decency to go on a blame-shifting tirade about how she was "coming up in the world" and deserved better.

When these dickheads go all goofy on you out of nowhere, it's jarring and you feel like your entire world has collapsed--because in a way, it has. Everything you thought you knew is now up for debate. Everything you thought you are is now turned to dust. You're plunked, against your will, into this messed up primordial soup phase that you never saw coming and never even wanted to know existed. And while you're picking up the pieces of your life, that cheating bastard gets to happily skip through life with his pigtails bobbing up and down like an oblivious Cindy Brady, not a care in the world.

The truth is, you'll never know what those years actually meant to him. You'll never know if he loved you--love in the sense that most of us here mean it, where you actually enjoy the person and don't plot to fuck them over behind their back. You'll never know exactly why it all went tits up, or if it was ever even that good when it was "good". He just erased your past together and it should piss you off, because it's a shitty thing to do.

It sounds like he's in full blown fantasyland so I won't waste time playing the fence and say "maybe you should R, maybe not, do you, girl". Instead, I'll say that divorce, while a major pain in the ass and just as much of a mindfuck as staying with the cheater, is chock full of silver linings. Once you get through the worst of it, you're free. FREE. Free to do whatever the hell you want. Yeah, life's harder because it's all on you now, and that goes double when kids are involved, but you never have to worry about some cheating bastard ever again--at least not until the next one you accidentally stumble across, because the world seems to be full of 'em and unfortunately they don't self-identify until it's too late. But nobody is there to control you now. You don't go to bed angry next to the person who made you angry. Plus, if you so choose to, you have a lot more time to sink into self-improvement, self-empowerment, and all the other positive self-related stuff.

Divorce is the only death after which there is truly life. Whether or not it's a *better* life is up to you.

DIFM I get what you’re saying about him telling me straight and causing absolutely devastation in one go. However, this then puts him in the hero bracket to the people who surround him. When actually he’s just as evil and cruel as the next cheater. But maybe more planned and deceitful. I have wondered time and time again that he has approached her and she has refused to be second best and the OW so he has had to choose. You’re not telling me he thought about me in all of this?! He thought about himself, his cock and her. He may possibly think OMG she has values and won’t stand for his previous behaviour, so he therefore has to act fast and prove to her that he isn’t a cheater and exclusive to her.

I have deep regret for allowing myself to want him in the aftermath of all this. I wish I had had the strength instantly to tell him to get lost. He is convinced that he will be faithful to her which suggests he lacks any understanding around infidelity if he thinks that is the case. The issue is deep rooted in him and it will take more than a great honeymoon period and new sex to combat this.