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NB,

You will have plenty of time to make a decision on where you & ur DD lay your foundations, 30 mins really isn’t that far no matter where you live, Some places here in the uk 30 mins can be in the city or on the outskirts in difference. Not far at all.

Let his mother do his shitty washing & wipe his ass for him, he can continue to be a man child while you build a brighter future for both you and your DD.

Without him & his manipulation you will rock this.

Keep those bitch boots on

(((((NB)))))

ETA...I left out a word

[This message edited by BigBlueEyes at 1:16 AM, September 13th (Friday)]

Thanks bigblueeyes. 30 minutes isn’t far away and isn’t insurmountable in the grand scheme of things. I need to be far away to heal and build my own life without the chance of any set backs and to remain focused on my end goal. I have constant wobbles and I can link these to the vulnerability I feel when I don’t feel in control or I’m charge of my destiny. What I have now is broken and needs rebuilding. This will be done much faster away from him and his family.

Since I have had NC with him I have felt better. However, this has made me feel paranoid about what his mum thinks. I don’t want her to think that I am being bitter and seeking to get revenge. When I’m not - im thinking of me and my daughter. Maybe I should explain this to her, without giving too much information away that she could tell him. I have now done 2 weeks with NC (apart from attending MC together) and this is massive progress. I have almighty breakdowns but am able to channel these to the people who can now support me. I was seeking answers from him, but there aren’t any answers to seek.

Hi all, found out last night that my WS went to one of our best friends and was upset. Crying at turning mine and DD’s life upside down, he’s feeling down and upset that he can’t support me anymore. Also relationship with OW isn’t great at the mo.

HELP!

I have read over NC article and 180 to enable me to stay focused. It’s so hard to know that someone you cared for is in possible turmoil and has caused such devastation.

Prepare yourself NB. I think he may come crawling back with his tail between his legs, asking for your forgiveness.

Has he reached point because he truly is sorry that he threw his wife and family away? Or is it because his fantasy world with OW has hit a hard patch?

My H asked me on discovery day if I was willing to “save” our marriage. Marriage? That had been over for a very long time. I just hadn’t been told.

Remember that your marriage was dissolved the moment he stepped out of it.

(((NB)) It’s not all rainbows and skittles in happyland. You have to stay strong. He has shown you who he is.

Right now you have to maintain your focus on YOU and your DD. He has to work through and deal with his own demons.

He is not safe.

The marriage you had is over. Right now, he is not capable of building a new foundation, gaining your trust, making amends and owning his destructive actions. You can’t trust him. The man you fell in love with no longer exists. He has to ride his own rollercoaster and deal with whatever is left of his morals.

He is not safe.

Go back to the healing library and read, read, read. At the top of this forum is the Tactical Primer...read it.

One day at a time. Keep busy.

Right... looks like lala rainbow pixie fairy dust land isn’t all he thought.

This isn’t an exit affair he is a cake eating serial cheat.

He’s now feeling out of control. His double supply of ego kibbles has been halved and it doesn’t feel good. He also wants desperately for people to believe he’s a ‘good’ guy. He’s not. Not when it comes to the two most important people on his life, his wife and his baby girl.

Big thing to remember NB is that this is NOT his first rodeo. He has cheated on you twice before (that you know of). That is the over arching big picture not this current drama he’s putting you through, as I’ve said before she’s third in line just more manipulative than the other two.

Stay true to NC, tell mutual friends that he’s made his decision and you’re moving on. Be clear in your message.

The marriage you had is over. If and this is a huge if he comes back he is still not safe. He seriously needs to work on the underlying issues he has. Only time can tell if he’d ever be safe (and by then you may have moved on) but right now, no way!!!

Be strong, stay focused, I know from bitter experience that the tears mean nothing, the platitudes mean nothing. I was too willing to hear what I so desperately wanted to hear. I should have paid more attention to what the people on here were saying but I believed I knew him.

Stay strong,

Huge huge hugs.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 6:44 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]

Also going to add I watched my WH in his affair clearly destroying himself, I could see the turmoil he was in. His affair was part of a MUCH bigger problem. We’re separated (coparenting together) and he’s now working hard on himself, I’m supporting but from a distance. But it is only now, a year and a half on that I feel I’m offering that support in a healthy way that puts mine and the children’s needs first. I HAD to ride the roller coaster and work on me first and foremost. In those first few months his turmoil was still mixed with awful levels of brokenness, selfishness and entitlement and he did a lot of damage to me due to my inability to shut off my empathic, compassionate side for the man I love. I know you have spent years caring for this man and being there for him but he sacked you with his first hook up. Treat it like that. Heal yourself, he’ll find support you don’t need to be it!

Crying at turning mine and DD’s life upside down, he’s feeling down and upset that he can’t support me anymore.

Make no mistake here.He cries because HE lost your support.

Often, As thrive while there is BS in the picture. The secrecy, plotting and a risk of being discovered are a part of the thrill and excitement. Left on their own, their relationship become ordinary and loose the original appeal.

Thanks everyone...this will keep me focused and strong. Little reminders of what’s gone before and how I deal with the here and now are essential. I am more than happy to put me and DD first to ensure we are safe and happy as quick as we can physically be. You’re right when you say he needs to fight his own demons and stabilise his fog to allow him to realise what actually is going on in his head.

I don’t for one minute think he will come crawling back. He has maybe just realised the devastation he has caused and his ‘pick me up’ isn’t willing to bend her rules to provide the support. The support that he has had from me for 15 years, always knew we’re he stood with me. His stable base has been ripped from under him due to his own actions. Very dangerous when he wanted this so badly?!

I will continue to revisit the healing library. I have actually printed off a lot of articles so I can read them again and again.

Thank you for the hugs everyone.

Agreed with Dragonfly... This wasn't an exit affair. It's cake/kibbles/narcissistic supply. It sounds so nefarious, but really, I don't believe most of these cheaters have any awareness that they're doing it. They use PEOPLE to spackle up all the holes in their lives, but they think they're normal. They don't see it.

Be on the lookout for three types of manipulation... rage, charm, and self-pity. What you're seeing in the example you posted is self-pity. Note the affect it had on your friends and the wobble it caused in you. It looks genuine because the cheater believes it... at least he does while it's coming out his mouth. It's as natural as breathing, but no less toxic for the lack of awareness. These people don't stop until they've learned to be self-sufficient in matters of contentment and life satisfaction, until they stop using people as patches... and true narcissists don't ever stop.

And just remember this, as well. When he goes crying to your friends he has an agenda. All of his behavior screams “I’m really a great guy, I just have this demon” so when your friends tell you how sad he is make sure you tell them that great guys do not abandon their wives and children and that it is the height of arrogance to imagine that he is so damned special that only he can give you support. Man these guys are so full of themselves.

Yeah he’s a narcissistic pig. He likes to be in control and weeps when he talks about us and our future relationship. He’s got blinkers on. What the hell does he expect?! He’s given me up, sacked me from my job. But would like me to interview for a new one. Just a cleaner this time, not a full wife! He’s got someone in the waiting for that role.

What’s sad is he can’t see that he needs me more than I need him. He says he likes to look after people. Bullshit he is needy and likes to be looked after. The OW isn’t obviously filling this role, well hello, neither am I!

Well I went out with friends and he had DD at home. So when I returned he was there. I ensured that I didn’t drink too much so that I wasn’t in a vulnerable position. I didn’t have the strength to say. Right, now leave. But I definitely think I would if the situation rose again. He stayed and we chatted for an hour. This morning I am mad with myself for giving him the opportunity to my time but then trying not to beat myself up, because it’s happened and I can’t undo it. During the conversation he was trying to seek reassurance about our future state and what I wanted to do with the house etc. I was able to stay very calm and didn’t show any emotion, not even when he cried. He pointed out that his mum was upset that I had appeared to have dumped her and wasn’t seeking any emotional support from her. He said that she doesn’t trust my mum and she may influence my decision to take him to the cleaners. I made a point that despite what his mum thinks of my mum, my mum hasn’t done what he has done to me, so what’s his point. I reiterated that I have moved on and want to start a new life. I used the phrase someone suggested on here that our marriage dissolved as soon as he left it. But he knows that, what he doesn’t understand is that everything with me dissolved when he stepped out. I got the impression that he felt better following the ‘chat’. It didn’t make me feel sad or upset or even set me back but after sleeping on it I wish I had told him to leave. Because I feel that I have let my guard down and not adhered to the NC rules. I don’t want him to think he can now just chat whenever and we are back to how we were. What should I do? I wish there was a switch that would sell the house, divorce him instantly and be free. That would prevent all this kibbles/cake/bullshit dancing.

NB,

I found this quote a little while ago, I printed it off & have pinned up in 2 places as a reminder to myself. Tweaked a little.

The things I used to tolerate have now become intolerable,

Where I once was very quiet I now openly speak my truth,

I’m beginning to understand the value of my voice & there are some situations that don’t deserve or warrant my time, energy or focus.

You deserve to be someone’s #1 definitely not someone’s plan B!!

Please don’t join him in his pity party he doesn’t deserve your support.

It’s ok to have wobbles that’s what this forum & these wonderful insightful people are here for.

Strength & hugs NB

Oh as long as he feels better...he definitely got what he needed huh!!

Sod him, this is your life, your decisions to make, he doesn’t get a say.

We’ve all been where you are NB, it’s not easy to navigate this shitstorm, yea you probably gave him more than he deserved last night but it’s done now so don’t fret.

You’re still the captain of this ship.

Just keep plodding on, you will get there hun.

NB I remember that well, feeling like you’d let yourself down. It’s bad enough that you’re coping with all the shit your WH has thrown at you and then you have up cope with feeling like you didn’t stick to your guns. He is still seeking to play the good guy, the tears etc all part of it. Read chamomile tea’s post again. He wants you desperately to cry all over him so he can feed off it all. It’s disgusting . I’m gathering you’re still wrestling with that empathetic side of yourself that can’t watch him in pain, PLEASE PUT YOURSELF FIRST! He does not care about your pain right now, make it clear you don’t care about his.

You let him in yesterday, tell yourself you won’t do it again.

NB he really is the worst kind of cheater, a serial cheater with narcissistic tendencies seeking ego kibbles off your pain. Put it this way, this AP is welcome to him. He will only take all of this with him. She’s in for a rough ride and good.

ETA my closest friend suffered a true exit affair. It didn’t look anything like this. He left her for the AP and didn’t come round crying on her or their mutual friends, he didn’t constantly seek ego kibbles or send her stupid questions. He didn’t fish for her pain. He left her and moved on, very quickly. It was hell for her but didn’t include any of this bullshit. You need your wits about you.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:02 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

Thank you. Yeah defo not what I would of liked, but too late now. The NC says on my terms and contents what I want it to be. Which I achieved but he dictated when it occurred. I’m not going to be able to not communicate with him at all which is unfair in a way because that’s what I want. I almost want him to disappear. I don’t need or want him anymore. I’m enjoying time with my friends and family and moving on.

I don’t want him to think that he’s back having cake, despite me being firm and straight with him. The NC says not to let them know when you are doing it and to just do it. Which is what I did when I started. Should I message him and tell him that he was out of order? That I don’t want interactions with him and hugging me is unacceptable.

Oh and by the way the reflective piece he sent me and suggested I did was something the OW sent him. WTF!!! Not that I ever considered doing it but what is actually in his head anymore?! He’s lost the plot. This OW is almost brain washing him. I told him that I wanted to see his reflection (prior to knowing that she’s sent it). I also suggested he found his own way of dealing with this ‘devastating situation’ (his words) to enable healing.

I actually sat there and thought. What a pathetic little man. I don’t look at him longingly anymore and I am 100% certain that my feelings for him are less than his for me. I didn’t acknowledge his sadness ms just turned it onto myself. That it isn’t the right time to even consider what would be. You’ve chosen what you want, now deal with it. I want something different now too and unfortunately you aren’t even in the picture. I told him that it’s all about my and DD’s future and only us alone! To which he said, well and me! My response, no not anymore. Yes you and DD and me and DD but not the 3 of us together. Not now or ever. He has this unbelievable confidence that we will all be ok. He will be free to do what he wants and have family life. I think the NC has made him have a little taste of what could actually be but reality hasn’t set in fully yet. What can I do to ensure this? This is why I’m thinking to suggest divorce?

My advice would always be NC and that includes no contact about the NC. It worries me that he’s telling you that those questions came from the AP, that’s entirely fucked up. I have a horrible feeling you’re dealing with two narcissists. I had exactly the same situation. She is getting ego kibbles from all this too. He can not feed your pain to that monster of an AP. How dare he! NB no contact means no contact. If you have to see him at child switch over grey rock, no emotion, no chatting, no nothing. Please for your sanity implement it stringently. I am talking from my own experience. I know how painful this is and I know i was at my healthiest when I listened to advice on here. Huge huge hugs.

We’re crossing posts here. I’m proud of you for saying the things you did. But don’t just say it LIVE IT! Live your baby and you moving on. You certainly should be starting to check your options re divorce. Yes it could wake him up but either way it’ll give him a clear message that you are not to be messed with.