SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

^^^^^ exactly

Keep moving forward. Your head is in the right place. Let the papers drop and show her you are confident in letting her go. Chicks love confident men so don't be afraid and through your own actions show her she can be replaced with a women you don't have to share.

There is no reason not to tell folks that you will not share your wife.....it is actually an honor to let folks know how much self respect you have for your self. The shame is all hers to own, and if you do take her back it just shows folks that you not only have self respect but you also have the grace to offer the gift of forgiveness to a broken person.

At the end of the day make this affair as inconvenient and as uncomfortable for it to continue by dropping papers and exposing it. Only then will you see what your old lady is really made of and if she is worth keeping around.

Rynoz

I read your thread last night and meant to comment on it but really had no time until now.

First, a general observation. Your initial post seemed a little aimless, full of confusion and second guessing yourself. This is entirely natural due to the shock you are going through. With each reply you've made, I see you getting more confidence and sure of your position. That is very commendable. Many people have told you "This is NOT your fault.. don't let her drive the narrative" Well, I'm going to reiterate that. You did nothing to deserve this. Now is not the time for dithering, it's the time for action and practical thought. You are on the way towards that goal.

Second, very important. You already are on board with this, but again, I'm here to reiterate a lot of good advice you are getting or are in the process of deciding on. Open Relationships are usually unfair to someone. No offense to any SI members who are in one. In my experience, the pattern usually is there's a partner suggesting and a partner reluctantly agreeing. The partner reluctantly agreeing always seem to get screwed, and I don't mean in the fun way. Again, not with 100% of them, just the 100% that I personally have seen. It usually works out to "I want to fuck someone outside of the marriage, and I want you to hang out and make nice-nice about it so we can all look like rational, nice people". If that sounds familiar, it's exactly the shell game your wife is trying to pull on you now. The hysterical bonding, the love bombing you've been experiencing lately? The great dialogue? That was a setup to get you to agree to a situation you already have a problem with -- I've read your responses.

You're your own man on this, it's your decision, but I can guess the outcome-- you're going to be miserable in this situation,and it will just postpone the inevitable divorce.

Third thing:

I appreciate all of the quick responses. Thank you. This is really tough. I an going to be filling the papers next week after I get paid. Nothing I can do before that. I have reviewed the 180 and will start that in the meantime. I have never been and don’t plan on being anyone’scuckold. That’s not in me. I agree that talk = nothing. There is no reasoning or rational thought process. Just doesn’t make sense. But when the papers drop there is a possibility that that fog may clear and there can be some rational conversation at least. At this point I have no expectations except for what I plan to do. My plans are only for myself.

I am admiring your tonal shift.. VERY good indeed. You have already discovered that that woman you loved (maybe still love) was indeed capable of the most base form of betrayal. Without warning, she has wrecked your marriage. I know you keep Reconciliation around as your plan B and I would say don't rule it out. However, you won't be reconciling so much as building something new. The burden of much of the work will be on her, not you. Now, me, based upon what you have written here? I'm not getting that confident vibe that she's going to really put in any effort at all. I suspect, strongly that any reconciliation from her would be an act for her to play for time, so she can (yes, here's that phrase again) cake eat until she's punched her ticket and created an exit strategy. Your comments above indicate you seem to know this in your heart of hearts. She wants you to be "calm and rational" about her cuckolding you. In my opinion she's asking WAYYYY too much here. It's humiliating and cruel, you know that already.

And a fourth thing:

She really wants me to keep quiet about what’s going on. Everyone doesn’t need to know our business. I guess there is merit in that. However, I want to run and tell everyone but I just think that would be a weak move in itself. Just out telling. I don’t know. I know she had isolated herself from her friends. She told just a couple about the blowout when she told me. Her good friends. I overheard her talking to one on the phone like they were catching up. I know they told her they weren’t with this bullshit. I know because I spoke to them too. So she is kind of on an island. Her advice is only coming from one place. That place confirms her bullshit.

Of course she doesn't want anyone to know what's going on and to keep out of your business! She's already trying to gaslight you that the reasonable, rational, "Civil" thing to do is to have her go be with another guy for a year AS HER COUNTEROFFER FOR RECONCILIATION. Seriously? That's her plan A? I have a bigger chance of becoming a Chinese Jet Pilot than you do of expecting to have your wife and marriage back all lovey dovey and like this never happened. She's LYING to you. She's lied all along. It's what cheaters do. From here on out just save yourself some heartache and go with the basic theory that anything coming out of her mouth can't be trusted any more. Because it can't. She made a conscious decision to betray you with another man. She hid the information from you successfully and gambled you'd be so co-dependent, you'd eat the shit sandwich she was serving up to you and say "Yum, honey!" back to her. Thank God you are seeing through that.

What next? That's always up to you. I personally think you are doing the right thing. If by some miracle she goes whole hog on reconciliation, does the work, gets the therapy, reads the books, and convinces you just how stricken with grief she is for causing you so much pain and anguish, then, yeah.. maybe R is possible, yaaaay. Hmmm.. well, it's just me, but I don't see her caring that much. Watch yourself and jump into that 180 method everyone keeps recommending. You will be amazed at HER tonal shift when you stop entertaining her bullshit for even one more second. The next time she brings up the subject of your relationship, just say "I'm very sorry, we don't have a relationship any more. You destroyed that by sleeping with another man. You are still in a relationship with him and you care little or nothing for me or you wouldn't suggest this open relationship idea, which I roundly reject. Please sign the papers and confine any further information between us to practical matters, like finances, property settlement, child custody and support."

Oh, and that "tell everyone" thing.. right now, it's meant for you to reach out to your family and friends support network. NOT to shame her (not that she deserves any consideration), but to communicate with people that can help you heal.. your family, her family, your friends. Be discrete, of course.. BUT DO NOT LIE TO PROTECT HER LIES. Once the divorce agreement is filed and signed, you can put up billboards, there's not much she can do to you then.

Just like everyone here, I wish you STRENGTH, SUCCESS and a swift resolution to her betrayal. You're a good guy, you sure as hell didn't deserve this.

Kingofnothing. Thanks for your response. No, I am at the point to where I am done eating her shit sandwich. I went to file the papers today and had the wrong packet. By the time I got the right packet they were going to close. So it will have to wait until next week. However, I thought it would be fitting to file on Valentine’s Day. She kept the AP hidden from me and while she was sleep and I hate to say it I went thru her phone. I got all of the information that I needed to help put me where I needed to be. She actually called me about going out to dinner and I told her no I think she’d have a better time with and his name. She immediately hung up the phone. That part of the secret is no longer secret. At this point after going thru her phone, any thought I had about R is out the window. She was sharing my text messages with him and the two basically laughing out making fun of me. So that’s out at this point. I did reach out to her father who I have a good relationship with and told him what was happening. He said he doesn’t even know his daughter. And apologized to me for her. He told me not stay with his daughter. It hurt him. He said he was going to call and talk to her but say he hadn’t seen me. He heard of some things elsewhere. But today I felt good and strong and still do. I feel confident. Just going to the courthouse made me feel like I was getting my power back and it will be a breeze going back next week. Thank you all for the advice and help.

She kept the AP hidden from me and while she was sleep and I hate to say it I went thru her phone.

I don’t know why betrayed spouses think it’s bad to snoop.

There is no such thing as privacy in a marriage to cheat.

You did great. If herOM is married you should inform his wife also.

No contact is your best path but it only works if you fully apply it.

She says she [loves] two men

When someone says this, or the equivalent, what they mean is they only love themselves. They aren't physically capable of any other kind of love while their head is still up their ass.

I'm sorry about what you saw on your WW's phone. I get access to my fWH's email accounts and saw everything... photos, videos, the horrible things they said about me, the names they called me... everything. If you find yourself having a very difficult time with triggers though, do consider getting into trauma therapy with a counselor who practices EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). It doesn't make you forget what you saw, but it can take some of the heat out of it so that your visceral symptoms subside.

She kept the AP hidden from me and while she was sleep and I hate to say it I went thru her phone. I got all of the information that I needed to help put me where I needed to be. She actually called me about going out to dinner and I told her no I think she’d have a better time with and his name. She immediately hung up the phone. That part of the secret is no longer secret.

Now that you know who he is, consider informing the OM's wife. This kind of exposure is not something you talk about or get your WW's permission for. You just find her and inform her in such a way that your message can't get intercepted. Chances are, the OM will be so busy trying to save his own home deal that he'll dump your WW. And even though you're going for D at this point and it doesn't matter if your WW gets dumped, it's still the right thing to do. The OBS (other betrayed spouse) needs STD testing. No telling if your WW is the only one he's cheating with. And emotionally, now that you know, you've become inadvertently complicit in the deception they're perpetrating upon her, which is not a nice feeling for you.

Give it some thought. Strength to you.

Good for you on taking back the initiative!

Sorry about what you read on the phone. Sometimes amidst all the shitshow, things like her sharing your texts with posom and laughing about them is all it takes to push it right over the fence to D.

She had actually made plans for us to go to dinner tonight. I ended up telling her that I didn’t feel it and she’d probably have a better time with and used his name. She hung up immediately. Later she called, I didn’t answer. Not going to be at her finger tips. She text me about being petty and vindictive. That’s rich. When I got home I actually moved out of the bedroom to the spare room. She said your moving out again. I’m keeping the 180 in mind and say very little. She gets enraged saying a bunch of stuff and noticed an immediate change in my behavior. I go out on the patio and she comes out and asks if I went thru her stuff snooping. I acted like I didn’t know what she was talking about. She asked how I came up with a random name. I told her there are a lot of ways to get information. She didn’t directly ask of I went thru her phone. I would have lied just like she had lied to me. She says so we’re playing games and keeping secrets so I don’t have to tell you. I didn’t say one word. Just a blank look and she went inside and started to get dressed like she was going somewhere. I didn’t say a word. Acted like I didn’t notice. I guess AP is still out with his valentine and MY WIFE has no valentine. That’s good for her. I hope she’s hurting behind this. Sitting home. Ha ha ha. I told her that I wasn’t acting petty and vindictive as she suggested, I was just tired of the situation and was removing myself.

Oh yeah. She also said that I wasn’t going to force her to do anything. Not trying to set this point. But that probably makes her feel good to say it.

She says she [loves] two men

Translation: She loves one woman. Herself.

Get yourself away from her, her ego is getting ready to explode.

Going your own way is your best path out of this.

You will find silence is golden these situations.

You don’t need to respond and you owe her nothing.

Learning to ignore is very powerful and will get you where you need to be..

I’d bet OM is married. His wife should be informed.

Now that you have his name you can find anything you need to know.

She was sharing my text messages with him and the two basically laughing out making fun of me. So that’s out at this point. I did reach out to her father who I have a good relationship with and told him what was happening. He said he doesn’t even know his daughter.

You don't owe her anything, I'm glad you decided to file for D, now have her served without warning, she doesn't need any explanations, she knows she's cheating, file and don't look back, life's too short and you deserve so much better than this proven cheater and liar, again don't forget to get tested for STDs.

She text me about being petty and vindictive

Either she does not know or does not care about the emotional impact this has on you. This also a clue that she has little emotional attachment to you.

Get more infor on POSOM in case you want to show him the consequences of his actions.Hope POSOM is playing WW out and she will not be so cocky if POSOM drop her when push comes to shove

[This message edited by goalong at 8:58 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

I am sorry that your wife is treating you with such a lack of respect.

At least you are no longer confused about her intentions.

Expose her AP to his family. Put a fire under his backside.

Tell all family and serve her with your divorce papers.

Go to the movies, gym, go for a run but make at you get out. This Will annoy your wife that she thinks you can have fun and are moving on.

Stop all texts to her so she cannot use them against you.

Stay strong.

I go out on the patio and she comes out and asks if I went thru her stuff snooping. I acted like I didn’t know what she was talking about. She asked how I came up with a random name.

She knows fully well that the name isn't random, hence the question about snooping. Cheaters don't always think before they speak. She just happens to ask you if you've gone through her stuff... and that somehow provides you with a "random name"?

She's brazen, I'll give her that. She pretty much verbally confirms your information, then she's clutching her pearls at the notion of "keeping secrets".

In the morning I plan on getting up and going back to the gym. Doing what I need to do around the house and finding somewhere to be all day. No sitting at home like I usually do. I have to agree that the emotional attachment is gone. The texts prove it. Reading it I couldn’t believe that this was the person I thought I knew for so long. Yes, I do believe she is getting played. It sounds like she’s throwing herself at this guy. His responses and her responses are different. If anything she is super embarrassed she was sitting at home on Valentine’s DayAnd not out with everyone else. I hope that cut to the bone. When she tried to contact him and he was out with partner. I hope being number 2 makes her feel good. That’s where she now is. It won’t take long after she can’t access him like she thinks she should and doesn’t have me to fall back on to feed her what she’s not getting. I an happy with myself got staying strong today. But, Timorese is another day. I think maybe a little bit of reality may have hit today. But more will hit when the papers drop. She’s almost dating me to file. She works in a Law firm. Oh well. Hopefully I earned some respect back today. She knows what’s in her text messages if she would have to be horrified if she thinks that I went thru them. Good. I hope so.

Rynoz:

You are doing very well with your current attitude and approach. Keep it up. It’s equally important to inform the OM’s OBS or gf of what is going on. Not for revenge or punishment. She has the right to know the truth about her relationship as any human being does. You should inform her ASAP without warning your WW in advance. She would give the OM a heads up and the opportunity to paint you as a crazy, jealous H. Good luck.

I would love to inform her for any reason. I am hitting a stumbling block trying to find her info. I don’t want to pay hundreds of dollars to a pi to figure that out. Also didn’t make sense if I’m showing up in his neighborhood looking around. Any suggestions!