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I think maybe she’s too young for a midlife crisis I had a similiar response toward my cheater ex.

I was shocked. Stunned. Traumatized by the cruelty. No remorse. In addition. I tried to save the marriage. I never planned for a divorce. His behavior was so opposite of who he was. I knew something had to be wrong

It took me a very long time to let go of fear. Hopium was huge This is not what I wanted. I hated this whole breaking of our marriage. You can’t rearrange my entire past present and future on a cheap whim. I was furious. And helpless to stop it it enraged me. He was like a teenager. And she was bold and arrogant. They laughed about it all.

Then came acceptance. It had to be acceptance. No matter how angry and wrong this was. I had no choice. I had to accept it was over.

I never begged. But I remained nice through my anger. It only prolonged their cheating. It did not help anything.

Looking back. It saddens me how much I tried. When there was no hope because he didn’t care.

My marriage ended. Even though I fought it. My life changed even though I fought it. I was dumped. Even though I never wanted to be. My life started again at 61 Even though I didn’t want a new life.

You will get to acceptance. Maybe with no clear explanation. Many of us never get clear answers. Or apologies.

We were married 36 years. Was it a midlife crisis? I no longer care why. Why didn’t change anything. It’s very early for you. You might search narcissist at some point.

FYI. Their relationship didn’t last. And several others after didn’t last either. Each Ap dumped him. Then ex became very ill. It’s all very bad

FYI

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:43 PM, June 14th (Sunday)]

At this point, and again, in this moment, I would have an incredibly difficult time wanting her back. I think it's the idea of her that I want back. But she has changed into a different person completely so that person is dead.

That's a sad thing to realize, but it is the truth. It's a weird feeling, isn't it? Missing someone who doesn't exist anymore while looking right at them? You're going to get through this, I promise, and you will heal and this pain will lessen dramatically.

This midlife crisis thing...I don't buy it. Honestly. My XWH claimed that. That just always gets me asking when exactly I get to have my own midlife crisis. Seems that this adulting thing keeps getting in the way of me just going off the rails and doing whatever I feel like doing regardless of the consequences to everyone else. Funny how that is. It's almost as if I have too much empathy for my people to wreck their lives because I'm all up in my feelings about gray hair.

It doesn't matter if its a mid-life or an Exit. The end result is the same.

First of all, I believe a Mid-life crisis is just an excuse for bad behavior.

My XWW started cheating at age 39 as well. I rationalized the following:

She was approaching 40.

She had lost both her parents a year before.

The kids were getting older and weren't depend on her as much.

Her group of friends were at different stages of life and not in touch as much.

Hated her job.

Wah Wah Waaaaaaah!

The bottom line is she made the choice and put effort into cheating instead of us.

We had, what I thought was, a great marriage and a wonderful family up until that point. She unilaterally destroyed it. I don't care what her fvcked-up reasons were or the mental gymnastics it took to get there. It really doesn't matter.

It was an exit affair because I filed for Divorce and forced her to her exit.

I swear I don't understand why the Ashley Madison slogan isn't "Life is OMG soooooo haaaaard, have an affair".

When children are begging a parent to stand up for him/herself, that parent needs to listen. Do you understand how much you can mess your kids up if you don't listen and get back with your wife? I will just tell you what I've seen in real life: your daughter will lose all respect for you and most probably all men in general. Please show her that strong men exist and can be counted on. Did your wife run around with the first guy too, right in front of your kids?

Good god, man--how are you hoping and begging to get back with her after she's done this before? What did she do to win you back after the first time? No, no, no. Please show your kids that not all adults are f-cked up by walking away with your head held high.

Is it possible that your wife is a narcissist? And have you been reading up on codependency?

A lot to unpack here and I appreciate it all.

Let's start with the last guy. No, she didn't flaunt it then. they were 7 and 3 at the time and I caught it somewhat early so it didn't get that far to where things really exploded. She was incredibly remorseful then, crying for days on end for what she did, full disclosure (I think), so on. This time is very, very different.

Honestly, like I think I mentioned earlier, I'm now at 6 weeks post split, 1.5 weeks since I found out the full information of what she's been doing. So it took me a bit to get my feet back under me, but I don't want to be around her any longer. Sure, part of me keeps going back to the old "i wish" thoughts, but I know she is just a selfish, conniving piece of trash. So, I just want to move forward.

Side note. My daughter has even said to me that she is a totally different person now. My wife was a granola crunchy hippie kind of gal. She went from Liberal and accepting to a 180 of saying racist things and going conservative in a matter of weeks.(Not to be political at all, just the best way I can describe her new personality. I don't mean conservative means racist either. Those are 2 different thoughts.) This guy from what I know is more on the non-liberal end so again, she is morphing herself to suit him. And at the same time trying to shoehorn herself and the kids into a brand new family after only a couple of months even knowing this guy. She is full on trying to involve them with his life and they want no parts of it.

And I've said to my Kids that I really want no parts of her and this new attitude. My concern now lies with them and them alone.

Narcissist? Yeah, quite possibly. She has always had a selfish princess type of personality. She's a spoiled daddy's girl so she's always had that in her. But she was also so loving and giving before recently. I know, those two statements contradict each other. But she had elements of both in her. The loving and Giving always was a bigger part of her.

Co-Dependancy? Well, maybe that's a factor. We have always both been pretty independent people but our values lined up so we WANTED to be around each other a lot. But like I said, she is so damned different now.

...her mom is a fall down alcoholic.

She works with her Dad at a Country Club. He did the exact same thing to his ex-wife, affair and working together included.

I was in precisely the same quandary as you find yourself Stefulson, trying desperately to establish whether my XW was going through a midlife crisis or having an exit affair and what I might be able to do to try and save the marriage, depending on which one it was.

Ultimately it made zero difference! She had already checked out and once a woman checks out of a marriage she ain't coming back buddy. I think you realise this and are wisely preparing accordingly.

The betrayal was the most traumatic experience I've ever had to go through and I understand the pain you must be going through now. You have children who need you. Be strong for them and move forward. It's early days but you will get through this.

Best wishes.

I am not sure that I even believe in the whole notion of a mid life crisis. I do believe in poor character, narcissists, selfishness and so forth. She is a serial cheater so in that particular regard she has unfortunately displayed this behavior before.

My H cheated on me while 29/30 and then again at 39/40. I saw his behavior change quite a bit at those times. Perhaps he was struggling with his age. I think he actually was but in the end I don't care. I cared what he did.

Was his LTA and exit A? Yes, it was for me actually.

I also struggled with the notion of being an example to my kids by not allowing their father to treat me so poorly. But if he had done a turn around I would have gladly shown them what a second chance and forgiveness looks like. He did not want to show them that as he decided instead to show them what a liar looks like. SO, the example I am showing my girls is that a man should not ever treat them that way. It is not good enough. Too bad he did not show them how a man could fight for his family.

Here's a fun little twist. So, she texted me that she is going to start packing this week. And for the most part I can have the furniture and most household items cause 'I will need them for my place.' She doesn't need things for hers? Based on the things my kids have said and her actions it all but confirms that she plans to move in with this guy immediately, which makes sense given the speed at which she wants the divorce.

Mind you she has known, and I mean known, not seeing, this guy for 6 months. So let's say they have been 'intimate' through texts for a few months and physical for maybe 2. And you're ready to force your kids into a new family they want no parts of. The insanity knows no bounds here...

Are you concerned about your children living with this “new” guy?

Are you concerned about your children living with this “new” guy?

Of course. A little information I haven't shared yet. My daughter is a cutter. And she cuts...a lot. It's been much worse since the split. She's been in therapy for a while now, but doesn't like her therapist. She had some bad experiences with a boy last year who hit her and choked her...very abusive. This was her first experience with a boy and is traumatized her pretty bad. Now, she had already had issues before this and it has gotten so much worse. So I am very concerned for her. She doesn't want to be around this guy and is sort of being forced into it by her mother. My son also wants nothing to do with him or the guy's kids (he has 2 small children) but my WW is jumping both feet in and trying to launch herself into a brand new family before the divorce papers have even been filed. They are unhappy and I don't know anything about this guy except for the fact that he's willing to get so deeply involved with a married woman.

Add to that the personality changes in my WW and you are not looking at a healthy environment. My Daughter feels like her mom is leaving her behind to be with this new family and my son is just so angry at times. It's all so heart wrenching to hear/watch.

Once the divorce is final (Which my WW is trying to get done as fast as possible) she's technically free to do whatever she wants as long as the kids aren't being 'abused or neglected.' Legally, I have no leg to stand on how she handles her relationships. But she is causing damage to those kids that will take a long time to repair, if they ever get past it. All I can keep doing is be there for them and make sure they know I will always be there for them and they always have a safe place to go to whenever they need it.

I think part of me is still waiting for her to realize what she is really doing to herself, the kids, and everyone else. But I don't see that happening. How someone can change their values and morals in just a few weeks time is baffling to me and I keep saying to myself that she will wake up and find herself again, then I wonder if this is really her new normal.

And the kids do not like this new person.

I'm sorry you're here man, this story is rough!

Super Valid question. And trust me, I am pissed. But, there's a few other factors I have to consider. If I go after her, She will go after the kids and custody. New Jersey doesn't care about infidelity unless it's attached to other behaviors. Which I will say, I have video of her giving our 14 year old daughter her marijuana vape pen so there's a behavior. That being said, with the depression, and her claims of alcohol/drug addiction(Mind you again, not a drop in 6+ weeks nor any painkillers except a ton of Advil) I could have a knock down, drag out which I do NOT want to put my kids through. And her Daddy would fund her fight with no question.

So, basically, the only reason I'm keeping it together and not destroying her and her reputation is those 2 kids. They deserve some sort of a decent life even in the midst of this shitstorm. Once this is all over, that mindset will probably change but I still don't want to hurt the kids so It almost feels the smarter path to not go Crazytown on her. As much as I want to.

In all sincerity, can you REALLY see yourself with this cold woman for the rest of your life?

Do you really want the cheating, lying POS that hands your teenage daughter a vape pen having access to your children on a regular basis?

You are the only adult in this scenario, so step it the hell up and stop groveling on the damn floor!

You have a woman so deep in the fog that she doesn't even care about her kids at this point.

USE IT!!!

Tell her you completely understand where she is coming from and all you want is for her to be happy. Agree to expedite the divorce proceedings and that you will take the kids for now, so she can enjoy her new relationship energy. Get her to a lawyer ASAP before the fog lifts and you have a chance to get the kids full time.

Her boy toy does not want the kids around, he only wants the piece of tail he is getting and will mosdt likely support it.

Give this a shot!

How someone can change their values and morals in just a few weeks time is baffling to me and I keep saying to myself that she will wake up and find herself again, then I wonder if this is really her new normal.

I have no good answer; maybe a PhD somewhere would.

All I can tell you is that it's not uncommon. My exWW was/is the same way. She was this way with her AP, and when he split, she was this way with at least five other "boyfriends" my kids have been exposed to, been forced to stay in the same house with, etc. Incredibly sad and scary and nothing I'd ever want for them. By my fuzzy math, she moves approximately 12-15x faster than I do when it comes to relationship-building. She recently told me that she and her current boyfriend (who thankfully seems like an ok guy) are talking about marriage. This is after about 3 months of even knowing the guy.

There is something inside them that can't be alone, among other things.

All I can keep doing is be there for them and make sure they know I will always be there for them and they always have a safe place to go to whenever they need it.

This is obviously your #1 priority now. You are the stable one, and that's going to magnified now for the rest of their lives.

You're right, you can't really control things when they're with her. But you certainly can have a lot of influence over what's happening with them.

Read books, get help, post here as much as you can about this. It's a tough tightrope to walk. The kids need some sort of healthy relationship with their mom, and you'll have to find ways to support that somehow, but they need protection and a safe space from the unhealthy stuff. You'll have to keep an eagle eye on everything for a long time, be there for them, mindfully navigate discussions with exWW. And honestly, be prepared and plan for as much extra time with them as you can reasonable do/get.

Sounds like you're staying in the house? That's like one of the hugest steps toward maintaining that stability for them.

I can sense that you're going to be very strong here moving forward. Shitty place to be, but kinda what being an effective man looks like in that shitty place. I'm glad they have you.

If she hasn't filed for D, why don't you do it?

Have you talked with your lawyer about care and therapy for your daughter? Do you know why she dislikes her therapist? How will she heal if she doesn't like her therapist?

If she hasn't filed for D, why don't you do it?

Have you talked with your lawyer about care and therapy for your daughter? Do you know why she dislikes her therapist? How will she heal if she doesn't like her therapist?

I spoke to my lawyer and he wants to wait until they file just so we know the position and how to fight going forward. Like I said before, if she wants to go dirty, we have the video of her giving my Daughter the THC Vape pen that we can use. I'm more about just making this as easy on my kids as I can so I agree with his position.

We had spoken about her getting a new therapist. Of course I found out from my daughter that she now has a new one and her first appt was today...think I've heard anything from my WW about it? Her appt has been over for an hour and so and I've heard nothing. Instead my 10 year old told me that they went shopping after and left him home alone. I will be discussing this with my Lawyer today, even though Jersey doesn't technically have any laws about age being left alone at home.

Her appt has been over for an hour and so and I've heard nothing.

What are you expecting to hear?

Her appt has been over for an hour and so and I've heard nothing.

What are you expecting to hear?

No, you're right in your question. I just still expect for us to parent the children, which involves sharing information about them. This is a 2 huge days for our Daughter with a new therapist and being evaluated for Bi-polar disorder tomorrow. I know it may sound crazy given everything we all know about my WW at this point, but I still hoped to actually hear what was going on with our kids, not hiding information about them.

So I am very concerned for her. She doesn't want to be around this guy and is sort of being forced into it by her mother. My son also wants nothing to do with him or the guy's kids (he has 2 small children) but my WW is jumping both feet in and trying to launch herself into a brand new family before the divorce papers have even been filed. They are unhappy and I don't know anything about this guy...

Get a background check. If you can't afford to hire a PI, pay for some online services.

It frankly doesn't matter how fast your WW is pushing the divorce, because YOU don't have to agree to her terms. Until there's a settlement and child custody agreement, you both have parenting rights over the children. If they don't want to go with their mom, tell her 'no'. Insist on a morality clause in the settlement, saying that she can't have overnight companions for the first year. Go for full custody with every other weekend visitation for her and one dinner per week. Your kids are old enough that chances are good a judge will take their wishes into account, even though it's unlikely that her visitation will be completely suspended.

You may have to parallel parent your children. Your STBXWW has no interest in explaining anything to you. Look up the term grey rock and start getting familiar with it.

As for your children. Your 14 DD may be old enough to ask to stay with you full time. Ask your lawyer about it. Unfortunately your 10 DS will have to spend allotted time with your STBXWW n future bogus family tim he gets a little older.

Leave no stone unturned. Try to find any and every way you can maximize saving your assets in your D.

Get a background check.

Already did. I do background checks as a side gig.

The kids have also brought up living with me but I think that will depend heavily on what she does moving forward with him. If it goes as I predict, she will try to move in with him the second the divorce is final. I have to discuss options with my lawyer so we can decide the best course ahead of that happening.

Been a weird few days. Of course, logically I know that she doesn't deserve my time or love. But i still continue to hope she 'wakes up' form the fog and does some serious introspection. Not even for me at this point, but so she doesn't end up like her Dad. Alone with only work in his life. I don't know why I keep worrying about her future but I keep coming back to it. It's kind of annoying.

I'm filled with an anger I can't even quantify at times. I am so angry at her for everything and her complete lack of remorse or caring. I am angry about how this is affecting the kids. I'm angry at the fact that she was so willing to just give up.

I even find myself playing devil's advocate. As in, let's just say for the sake of argument that I am lying to everyone and was a fall-down drunk. What person who loves their spouse wouldn't do anything possible to save the other? Getting family involved, Interventions, yelling to get their attention, so on? Who just gives up and runs to someone else?

And I know, none of it can be rationalized. And she isn't even close to acting like a real human right now, more like an addict chasing their high. But it doesn't change the fact that it hurts to know they could be so willing to toss you away like garbage.

I even find myself wondering what the conversation would even look like if she did 'wake up.' I will always love her, but I see less and less of even the most remote chance that I could forgive her and be able to work on things. So I guess at least I'm finally shutting that window in my own mind.