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Weird that she is saying she let herself down for the past three years when the affair was only for two years?

Actually AHG mentioned that her behaviour had changed since the last five years. It is possible she had started testing the waters with those night out with friends. There may have been ‘incidents’ before the main affair but maybe she might gradually start coming out now. Ignoring her seems to be providing the right effect. You may send her updates about your son and ignore the rest for this trip.

Can you describe her tattoo and the date she got it?

Did she ask for your opinion on the tattoo before she got it?

AHguy, your WW's offer of you breaking your vows is her attempt to have you "even the score" so that you will no longer have the moral "card" to play any more. She wants you to lower yourself to her level, hoping it will make it easier for her to convince you to R. Everything about this is misguided.

One possibility is that she actually thinks you might want to do this. If so, she totally misunderstands the damage she did to you, and it is proof she doesn't get it. For most BS's, the BETRAYAL is the bigger issue. Sex is only a segment of it. From everything you've written, I believe that is how you feel.

Another possibility is, like I said, she wants you to lower yourself. Again, not a good sign. A spouse should be trying to build their partner up, not bring them down. And a revenge affair is NOT going to do anything to help heal your M. It may be that after the D, she wants to be able to tell people you both cheated, so it minimizes her blowback.

The other part she doesn't understand is that her giving you permission to have a revenge affair would not be the same thing as what she did. In order for you to do the same to her, she would have to believe you were in R while you run around for two + years with someone else behind her back. With your WW's "permission" there is no betrayal. Totally different.

I expect you have no intention of lowering yourself and taking advantage of her offer. I would recommend against doing it. You have honored your vows, and I think that is important to you. I think you want to be able to tell your kids that you did, through the end of your M.

I hope you have fun on your trip. If you're going to FL, hope you avoid the tropical storms, maybe do some fishing. Good luck to you!

Like I said before she can't give back what she STOLE from you. ONE AND ONLY! Now she thinks she can dictate what you can do? You will do what you what to do and when. With whom you choose. NO permission needed. Yes it will kill her when she is gone and you have a new love that gets your (superior her words) body.

.... she suggested that if I wanted to be with another woman she would understand, ...

IMO this isn't something a Christian would offer.

1 - Just more evidence that she has a long way to go in making herself a safe partner (for you or the next guy).

2 - Plus she either doesn't really understand you or other people with integrity; or she resents your core values and would enjoy sabotaging your beliefs .... or both.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:59 AM, August 10th (Monday)]

I agree with Tigersrule77. Well said

Good job ignoring her. Just keep doing that.

She is desperate to save herself and the sadly comical texts prove it. It really is desperation. She made her choices and now she is essentially throwing a tantrum about accepting the consequences of those choices. She isn't even willing to give you the peace you asked for because it isn't what SHE wants. She cannot help but focus on what SHE wants, even when it causes you more stress and pain. If she understood even a fraction of the hurt she caused, she wouldn't offer for you to "cheat" too. Gross. You know she would use this against you to convince you to R, as R is her own path forward where she can avoid her shame.

Enjoy your time off and just completely ignore her. Keep moving forward with the lawyer's advice and be kind to yourself.

It’s already been said but the “offer” of a hall pass with another woman is just a way to manipulate and lower you to her level and it’s not what someone who wants Jesus to take the wheel would do.

It could also be her way of trying to negotiate an open marriage. Don’t fall for it.

Head held high, values intact.

AH,

she suggested that if I wanted to be with another woman she would understand

Tell her that you would be seeking to be with another woman but you will wait until the D is final.

she said although it would kill her if I wanted to see how greener the grass in the other side

Let her know that the grass may very well be greener but only because when you are with someone else you will both be taking care of the grass together.

I don’t think your WW is trying manipulating you (in the sense of “now that you cheated you can’t say anything about what I did”).

I think she’s trying anything to keep you. She thinks the issue is only the fact that she had sex with someone else, so if you go have sex with someone else, the problem is solved. Although sex with another man is a big issue, it’s not the only issue (like Tigersrule77 said)

What I hear is the sound of desperation.

Disclaimer: for the BTW crowd, no, I’m not telling AH to give his WW a chance, D is perfectly fine.

AH, your WW reminds me of spaceghost007 story, with his WW waking up to realize she had a great husband, doing anything and everything to get him back and he divorced her. A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. Maybe you can go read his thread (only his posts to make it quick).

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1

What’s eerie is that the OM was also a millionaire and the OBS was a realtor.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 9:00 AM, August 10th (Monday)]

She isn't even willing to give you the peace you asked for because it isn't what SHE wants.

^^^ THIS!

Good grief, she really doesn’t get it. I’m so glad you got away with your son. It seems like she’s trying to guilt you into reconciling.

And I agree with others who have said her offer to “let” you have a revenge affair (although she’s likely offering to let you sleep with another woman, not actually have a two year relationship with one) is an attempt to lower you to her level and also shows how little she thinks of your marriage vows. Plus, it’s gross.

[This message edited by Pandora16 at 8:49 AM, August 10th (Monday)]

I gotta admit that huge part of me is wondering why I couldn’t forgive her why can’t I be like the old man from the church Whose wife betrayal was 10 times worse

The reason you can't be him is the same reason he can't be you. You are a different person than he and neither of you are wrong for how you are handling how you are dealing with or dealt with the situation you found yourselves in.

My WW contacted my parents and " apologized " to them and pledged to do everything she can to make it up

Is she pledging to make it up to them, you, the children or the entire family?

my parent are split about this, like always they seem to disagree on every matter but still love each other

That's okay that they are on different ends of the spectrum on so many things. The discussions tends to keep the mind sharp. At the end of the day they still appear to respect and love each other.

my dad thinks I should give her a chance, My mom isn't buying her apology and wants me to move on

Your parents are but another resource from whom to seek advice but the decision you make must be the right one for you.

AHGuy, if you can get down to the Space Coast and it's not too risky with the COVID 19 outbreak, that's the place to be. Great beaches, great seafood. Great fishing. Hiring a charter boat is probably insane during the outbreak, but I'd be so tempted to do that.

Find yourself a nice coastal town somewhere with some local beaches, good fishing and a local hangout that serves great beer while playing reggae music and Buffet..

Dammit, now I want to go..

I don’t really see a BTW crowd here. IMHO there is some good bullshit translation being done here to help AHG read the texts he is getting and help him with his response.

I am passive aggressive so I’d just ask if she ran those suggestions past the pastor before sending them. Or just ‘what would Jesus do?’

I am not a Christian but I shudder at her version of Christianity. It’s very different from what learnt at school and my believer friends.

AH, your WW reminds me of spaceghost007 story, with his WW waking up to realize she had a great husband, doing anything and everything to get him back and he divorced her. maybe you can go read his thread (only his posts to make it quick).

Yes, it reminded me of SG7 too, but remember he also had an RA with OBS, so I hope AHguy doesn't even consider the "hall pass" offer from hiw WW.

Buster, That was after the D no?

I went back to read a little, and SG is a good writer, even in the middle of that shitstorm.

Buster, That was after the D no?

In regards to SpaceGhost, his XWW immediately wanted to R with him and cut off contact with her AP, but SG had NO INTEREST. He immediately filed and moved out of state. His XWW tracked him down and showed up without telling him she was coming and he simply escorted her back to her vehicle and told her to leave. So XWW had the same attitude pre and post D. SG didn't care.

It seems AHG is of the same opinion. It took him a little longer to reach that conclusion, as his situation was different (I don't think SG had kids) and had other things to consider. I think both handled the situation as best for them.

Just keep wondering what significance the tattoo has (if any)??

...crazy part is that my son is ignoring her messages too. my son and I talk about the situation, I think he needs a break too, I didn't realize how sad he was about what's happening.

I know with my daughter, my ex left for Mr. Moneybags when she was 15. I think children, even in their late teens, look to both parents for morality, stability and people who do the right thing so as tp be an example to them.

I can appreciate how sad he may be. My daughter fell right off a cliff and went from a to student... to being expelled from two high schools, getting into other trouble, sneaking out at night... Took her about three years to turn herself around.

Keep an eye on your son.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 10:30 AM, August 10th (Monday)]

The fact that she got a tattoo is extremely interesting as well as the fact she now wants to get rid of it. Highly probable there was another AP who coaxed her into getting it to commemorate their relationship.

After all of the fact that you have posted on here and being a guy who has a keen sense of deductive logic, the POSOM was not her first more than likely.

You may want to text her back a week or so and ask her to take a polygraph, that will tell you more and my help with closure as you move away.

My FWW volunteered to take a poly, yours has not. Yours is still in overdrive on the blameshifting. She does not get it, and perhaps she never will.

Enjoy Florida and if I see you slacking I will stand you on the yellow footprints and give you a pep talk,. Stay strong and look forward not back.

[This message edited by LH42301 at 10:36 AM, August 10th (Monday)]