SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi SI family,

Just want to give you guys a quick update on what’s happened in the last few days. Last week WH reached out to my sister to coordinate picking up my kids from her house over the weekend. He requested that he pick them up on Friday evening when I specifically told him he can pick them up on Saturday morning - just another way he tries to undermine me. After asking the kids what they wanted to do, they decided that they wanted to go on Saturday since we already had plans for movie night on Friday evening. When he picked them up on Saturday morning he gave a hand written letter to one of my sons to give to me. I did not even look at him during the exchange, I stood behind the front door as I sent them off. After they left, I got to reading his letter. It starts off with him saying that he is going to tell me the truth on how contact with OW “started” this time. He says that she gave him money to hold for her and that after many weeks of him wanting to give it back to her and telling her that he wanted to stop talking to her because he wanted to “focus on his family”, they met up at the motel where he was “recorded” by my private investigator. He says that nothing happened and they were only in the motel for 10 minutes and I can even ask my investigator so that he can corroborate that, he expects me to believe that they were in a motel room exchanging money and nothing else??!!! The gall to keep lying is beyond me!!

He goes on to tell me how much he loves me and realizes that I am the only one he wants. He admits that he was not remorseful before but now that he is remorseful he knows how I feel because he is feeling anxiety and depression and he’s just desperate to have his family back. He pleads for me to forgive him and for me to not separate from him. He says that we should look for professional help and that we should fight for our family to stay together. Wow. Just. Wow.

I know what he wants to do with this letter and it’s not working. He is provoking me with this letter so that I can ask him questions on the “money” and why they felt the need to see each other. There’s no need for questions especially from a liar like him. I know the truth because of my investigating and not because he’s given me any truth. I came to find out that they have been seeing each other since August at least twice a week until the day that I recorded him paying for the motel. He is still blocked from my phone and I don’t plan on giving any attention to that funny letter of his. I just need him to reach out to my paralegal’s office for us to sign an agreement or I’m hoping he just lets the time run out and the divorce goes to default.

Aside from what happened over the weekend, today I was in contact with OBS. I was able to track down a cousin of his who did me the favor to have him get in contact with me. Surprise surprise, he already knew about the meeting at the motel because, according to his wife, she says that my husband owed her money from four years ago. She says that she reached out to my husband to get that money back from him and they met at that motel for that purpose and nothing more. I went on to tell her husband that I have pictures of her car at that motel and they were there for over 45 minutes. He was in disbelief that that is the case and even said to me why would she want to have sex with “your husband if I have a big dick and I pleasure her beyond satisfaction?!” After he said that lame comment, I lost any respect I had for him. 1. He knew about the motel incident and didn’t bother to reach out to me and 2. He is just as shallow as his wife and my WH. He says he wants to meet up with me in person later in the week for us to compare notes because he’s going to start digging to see what he finds out on her. I’m hesitant to meet up with him because I feel like it’s not gonna get me anywhere. I did my part by telling him - There’s really not much more to talk about. The takeaway I got from that conversation was that my husband is still protecting her at all costs. The same day I served my WH was the day that he called her to tell her that shit has hit the fan. They were quick to get their stories aligned because she knew that It was only a matter time before I reached out to her husband. And sure enough, that’s the exact day she told her husband about the “innocent” money exchange at a motel. If the OBS believe their story he’s even stupider than I thought. After I read the letter that my WH gave me I was in raged and then today I was even more enraged because of the fact that he protected his lover. I know it’s not healthy to have so much anger but I just can’t believe how low he’s fallen. And to top it all off, my WH’s mother keeps incessantly calling me. After about 10 calls, she finally leaves a voicemail crying, asking me me to call her back and saying for me not to be a bad person and for me to call her back. I have no desire to talk to her, she did not have my best interest at heart. She is calling on behalf of her son and there is no reason for me to talk to her. Perhaps in the future we can talk but not right now.

I wish they can just leave me alone and finally let me start living my life!

P.S. the kids said they had a great time with their father over the weekend. He finally spent some quality time with them by taking them to the zoo and grilling for them on Sunday. They are excited because this weekend he says he’s going to have a bonfire for them to makes s’mores. I’m glad he’s finally putting effort to spend time with then because all these years he didn’t even bother to get to know them.

Wtf, like he actually expects you to believe his bs, hotel room just to pay back some money,

He doesn’t sound remotely remorseful more like regretful, huge difference.

I’m not sure talking to the OBS would be beneficial from this point, quite frankly with his comment he sounds like an ass.

Be firm, maybe continue NC for all of them until you feel comfortable, you’re steering this ship not him or the MIL,

stay focused & keep doing what you’re doing.

Continue being strong 💪

Here’s my suggestion.

Give him a note. In your note you thank him for his letter to you. And you request he stop trying to have any contact with you and in the future you will not be accepting or reading any notes he gives you.

That is it. Nothing more. Your silence will allow you to continue down the path you are on. You are not engaging him but you are letting him know he needs to stop attempting to contact you.

I understand the rage and anger. The audacity of him lying(yet again) is just infuriating!! But it is possible he’s not protecting her but protecting himself. His first reaction to your discovery is a lie. And another lie. And another.

He is so broken snd dug his hole so deep he cannot find his way out because he believes lying is the answer. And instead of manning up to change his poor behavior and make better choices, he continues to prove to you that he is going to remain the liar and broken person he is.

His behavior is just laughable. And his begging you to reconcile is just ridiculous. He keeps proving to you he really doesn’t get it.

H wrote in the letter that:

he knows how I feel

This is the biggest “tell“ to me… That he has no concept of how much damage he has done. If he thinks that his “anxiety and depression“ from you leaving can measure up in anyway to what he has done to you and your children, then that tells you volumes about him.

If you ever begin to feel weak… Tempted to give him a chance… Go back to that letter and read it again. Read how he says that he knows how you feel because he is anxious and depressed.

That one line says it all in my opinion. Don’t ever forget that he thinks that he is going through what he has put you through the last few years.

Unbelievable.

I’m happy that he is acting like a father to your children. But don’t be surprised if it is a temporary effort to get you to come back. I hope not. But it is entirely possible.

Never forget that your children are watching every move that you make. You are teaching your daughters to demand to be treated respectfully, and you are teaching your sons the right way to respect and honor a woman.

Stay strong.

Just a couple of added observations:

#1 The fact he is so concerned about the house makes me suspicious. Doesn't matter why, but it was going to be a good thing for him and not for you.

#2 I wouldn't meet with the OBS. What he said was beyond inappropriate and a weird thing to say. He sounds a little off. You did the right thing letting him know. Now he is on his own. You can still be nice about it but just tell him you are moving on now.

#3 Same here, my ex became a much better 'dad' as far as quality time with son after separation and it continues into the divorce. I have heard this from others as well, it is hard to tell if it will last.

#4 I personally made sure everyone in my exes family knew my side of the story but your option of no contact is equally a good choice if that is what you feel you want. If you decide you want them to know the truth, you could write a note to the soon to be former MIL and tell her the facts. No opinions or emotions necessary. Just a list of dates, actions, whatever you see fit. Let her know that will be your last communication in order to protect your recovery going forward if you want. Whatever you decide on this, you seem like you are on a good solid road forward.

He makes me a little nervous with the house focus, running to the bank, running from the PI, and ESPECIALLY the not texting in order to not leave evidence. Stay tough.

Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Anna123 at 7:59 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

You need to have your attorney draw up papers for visitation immediately.

Right now, he doesn't have to bring them back to you,at the end of the weekend.

Once he realizes his letter didn't work,and you know a lot more than he realizes, he is going to be furious. He will realize he has lost control of you.

I think each marriage / situation is individual. What works for one couple may not work for another couple.

Hi all,

Just passing through to update you on what's happened since my last entry. A couple days before the 30 days was up, my STBXH responded to the Divorce petition, essentially contesting to the terms of the divorce. He responded asking for 50/50 custody and for ME, a SAHM, to pay HIM spousal support?! I'm not sure what was going through his head or who the hell helped him fill that paperwork out but he sure as hell declared war when he filed that paperwork! Within the next few days I prepared my response in the form of requesting emergency orders for custody and support. But before doing that, I went to my former home to pick up my mail and other items I had forgotten. While there I grabbed some of his tools, and may have even grabbed his passport, and other misc. things. That got his attention because he immediately texted my sister telling her that it wasn't right that I took some of his things. Well, instead of having her text him, I unblocked him and called him. I hadn't talked to him since before I filed so I had many things to say to him. The conversation was about two hours long with us arguing and him continuing with his lies about his lover and nothing having happened at the motel. Saying that he loves me and wants to fight for me, blah, blah, blah. He's such a sociopath he even started crying, lol. I had to come back to reality and focus at the task at hand. I told him I was not interested in talking about that and that I needed for us to get to a place where we can get this divorce moving. I pointed out to him that what he filed was not right and I let him know that I'm willing to come to an agreement with him so that we can avoid trial but he needed to meet with the people at the office of who is helping me prepare my paperwork. He refused with the excuse that he was not going to meet with the man who "harassed" him (My supposed PI). I suggested to him we meet with a neutral party who neither of us has hired so that we can sign a Marital Agreement . I was able to secure an appointment for the following day and we met with a Paralegal who helped us mediate the terms of our divorce. He was very weary of the support amount per month so she needed more time to figure out the numbers based on his actual income, since I had done the estimated figures (a fair amount that I was ok with). The appointment was over four hours long with him claiming he had no idea that the response he filed indicated that I was to pay him, etc. I have a hard time believing that because I feel that whoever helped him told him to respond that way to drag out the process, or as a negotiating tactic. All in all, I left the meeting feeling less anxious and a bit hopeful that justice will be served. In the meantime, my motion for an emergency hearing was granted but since we are working together, technically I should cancel it, but I'm weary because of my distrust that he will not want to cooperate with what he needs to pay me per month. The paralegal shared with me that when he went to take his financial documents to her, he expressed that he has been working a lot of OT recently and that he would appreciate it if she only used 40 hour pay periods as opposed to the actual numbers?! She told him if he wanted to commit fraud that he could go elsewhere. Too bad for him, he has already given her half of amount for her services We are set to meet again after the holidays to sign the agreement and if it looks good, file it. I just can't believe that after him blowing up our family and entire lives, he still has no shame. He still wants to screw me over. All the years I was with him, I never realized how much of a selfish person he is.

he still has no shame.

Clearly he’s not too smart if he tells the paralegal about his overtime.

Glad you are leaving this man-child behind.

Every time he says he went to a “motel to get his $ back” you should have a snappy response like “I didn’t know monetary transactions take more than 5 minutes and require the use of a paid motel room”.

Or you can insult his manhood by saying “you are right CH. nothing happened b/c you were only in that motel room 15 minutes and you can’t sustain “that” for such a long period of time”.

Thanks for posting your story and keeping us updated.

You are an inspiration; I am so happy for you.

I meet with an attorney today to start the divorce process. I hope to have papers served before Christmas as my last Christmas gift for my WW. You have given me more courage to pursue the process.

You are a rock star. You did the right thing. We all deserve better than this. You are on your way to better days and I am right behind you.

Hahaha, The1stWife, I like those snappy responses! I may have to just use them since he is dead set sticking to that story. I don't think he realizes how far-fetched his lies are! It's like, does he really think I'm that naive to believe his lies? Or it could be that since he got away with so much during our marriage, these outrageous lies would be no different.

DanielJK - Thank you for your kind words. I take solace knowing that my story inspires others to free themselves of infidelity. Good for you for standing up for yourself and taking that first (most important step)!! I have yet to read your story but like the rest of us on here, I'm sure your WW is a doozy! I should have left him four years ago, but only God knows why his timing is perfect. All I know is that four years ago, I wasn't ready, now I'm way more than ready!! Wishing you much peace with your decision and when that doubt creeps in, say to yourself -- If she really loved me, she wouldn't have done this to me.

Thank GOD I'm freeing myself of this manchild. The more this process progresses, the more information is unfolding. The only aunt he has that lives nearby has let me know what the word on the street with the rest of the family is. According to her, up until recently, my STBX-MIL was parading the fact that my WH and I were getting close to closing on our home (lies! I canceled escrow) and was showing off to her sisters (who live out of state). All along she was putting up this facade that we were fine - in her delusional head, she thinks that we will end up working things out. Anyway, when I found this out, I called one of his out-of-state aunt's to let her know that what my STBX-MIL was saying were lies and let her know directly from me what was actually going on. Needless to say this aunt was completely surprised and in disbelief that her sister would be covering up for her son this way. Now that the truth is out, the tune of my STBX-MIL has changed--she is confirming that yes, we are going thru a divorce but it's not for the motives that I told everyone. In her delusional world, she is telling everyone that since I had never loved her son, he got tired of waiting for me to demonstrate love to him and THAT is the reason we are divorcing. She stands by her son and is letting everyone know that the motel incident was a 10min money exchange and nothing else! What I don't get, is that if I never loved her son, why on earth would she think/want for us to reconcile? Oh, that's easy- she won't be able to sponge off her son any longer like she's done all our marriage! Sheeeshh, I tell ya! People these days! I'm glad I never called her or returned her pleading, fake-crying calls when her son told her I had served him with the divorce papers.

Sorry for including all this extra, unnecessary drama, it's therapeutic for me to write it out and not keep it in. I'm hoping that Christmas is joyful and if any drama does unfold, I can stay on my Koombaya path and not let it get to me. He is set to pick my kiddos up on Christmas Day and keep them until Sunday. The following weekend our visitation schedule takes into effect. He will have hime three weekends out of the month, with no overnights during the week for him. It's going to take some getting used to, but I figure the sooner we get into this new normal, the sooner I can move on with MY life.

I like your point 4 years ago you weren’t ready to D him.

Now you are. Unfortunately b/c it’s not what you hoped would have happened but if he’s not going to change Then you’re left with no other choice.

At least your ability to recognize your situation helps you to navigate the divorce process in a better way. You are able to do what’s best for your children yet still protect them (and you) from the cheater’s lies and manipulations.

Best of luck unloading the dead weight of a H. Hope he’s a better father.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:14 AM, December 23rd (Wednesday)]

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:02 PM, February 6th (Saturday)]

Don't be hard on yourself about not leaving sooner. I waited 46 years!