SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ordinary, applauds for staying the course and strong. You're gaining the strength with every step that you make. See? now you see how weak your H is.

Strength is very attractive, but we do it for ourselves.

Well, in order to save M you must be willing to lose it!

Good Luck and keep us updated! (())

Ordinary:

Well done! Stay strong and stay the course. Focus on your children and always value yourself. If you don’t want to interact with your WH prior to his being served just don’t do it. You are in control. Always value yourself. Good luck.

You need to be prepared for a few possible outcomes.

One is the lovebombing which you have already experienced. He loves you blah blah blah. He will change blah blah blah. He will make promises blah blah blah.

Realize he could and SHOULD have done those already. But you know he has not.

Second option is that he becomes angry b/c you DARE to stand up to him. You have the audacity to up-end his life and demand he stop cheating and lying.

What you need to realize by filing for D you now have all the power and control over your life. He has none. And he won’t know what to do.

So you understand, cheaters count on and expect the betrayed spouse to do nothing. To have no control or say in the marriage. So when you the BS come along and stand up for yourself, take back control and remove yourself from the cheater’s game, they will panic. Start to grasp at anything and everything to get things back to “normal” where the cheater has the power.

Be prepared for it.

Don’t fall victim to it.

It is possible to see a bunch of false promises being made again and again.

Remember - actions mean everything and his words mean nothing. Don’t allow him to come back into your life without proving his intent.

If he asks you “what do you want me to do?” My answer would be to tell him to figure it out himself. You are not going lead the reconciliation for him. He is to lead the path to reconciliation for you. If he cannot do that — you know he’s not committed to it. It’s not his priority and he’s only doing it to get what HE wants and most likely will revert back to the lying cheating jerk he is now.

He had enough “smarts” to cheat. Therefore He has enough smarts to repair the damage and stop cheating and commit to the marriage ON HIS OWN.

Read up on the 180. Do not fall into sympathy or “poor him” mode. He counts on that. It’s his way of getting you to overlook his lying and cheating and sweep this under the rug. And act like nothing happened.

And that is the biggest mistake you could make.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:03 PM, November 7th (Saturday)]

I just wouldn’t let him know you filed, there is so much satisfaction in ones self knowing they get served when they weren’t expecting it. I truly enjoyed this process. Served him at our own business. I got a text from him just telling me he received my papers. I had a good day that day knowing he was having a bad one and was in disbelief that I did it.

OD,

Get ready.

First he’ll play the model husband. I mean, who would divorce such a great man? (Sarcasm)

He’ll shower you with love and affection. Don’t fall for it. He’s a snake

He’ll attempt to rewrite your marital history, pain you as the bad guy, to justify why he HAD to cheat

Watch joint bank accounts. If you can, open one in only your name, transfer half your joint account funds into it. If Cheater asks, tell him you did it to help your elderly relative out with their finances.

Stop talking to IT about anything other than kids or finances.

Get ready for the big show! He’ll lay it on thick!

Hey everyone,

Just a quick update... I blocked him yesterday after him showing up to my parents house on Saturday wanting to pretend that everything was OK. We had a family gathering and since everyone in my family knows what is going on, I asked them to be on their best behavior (until divorce papers are served). I didn’t want to risk him coming back to my parent’s house so I ended up leaving to stay at my sister’s house, which is an hour away. Luckily I knew he would be out of the house the majority of the day yesterday so I took advantage to grab a lot of things for me and my kids because I don't plan on returning home. He ended up showing up at my sister’s house last night but I didn’t open the door for him. He kept saying that he wanted to see his kids and to let him in. But I refused to let him in. After about 10 minutes he ended up leaving. Since I have him blocked on mine and my sons phone he’s been trying to call from different numbers. I have not answered. I do not want to have communication with him until he is served.

I am immensely blessed to have the support of my family during this time and they have offered me a place to stay until I get on my feet. My mom has a rental that is not occupied so that will be perfect for me and my kids.

As of this morning the paperwork has been filed at the courthouse and the plan is for him to be served this evening at five when he gets home from work. The person who will be serving him is a private investigator who will show him the evidence I have from his escapade last week. There is no more denying it.

I’m not sure what his reaction is going to be. He is going to get desperate and try to use the kids to make me feel sorry for him. What options do I have as far as letting him see the kids? Can I wait until we have visitation drawn out to let him see the kids. I will research this further but just wanted to give you guys this quick update.

Thank you to each and everyone of you for responding and making me see the light.

My suggestion is to not let him see the kids until custody and visitation agreements are signed and in place.

He may (and legally can) use the opportunity to take the kids away from you just to be spiteful. And since nothing is in writing you have a legal battle on your hands.

Speak to your lawyer immediately on this issue.

Hang in there. You have taken the hardest first steps. We are here to support you.

OD,

You are a strong and brave woman - I am very proud of you!

Also wanted to check in on you given that your WH was served last night...please check in when you can.

Hugs!

Lala

wow, you are a queen!

Walking away and taking the steps you’re taking is so hard. You’re doing amazing!

Hey guys,

It was a mission to get him served on Monday, but the guy I hired (the PI) got the job done! Since I have him on the tracker I was able to see that he went to the bank down the street by where we live to take out the rest of the money that we had left in our joint accounts. I had taken out money on Friday before I filed the paperwork. When I saw him on Saturday he asked me about it and I told him it was to put it in escrow because I needed to make sure that we were still going to buy the house. I stuck to that story so that he would not get suspicious but I’m sure he still had a feeling what was going to happen. Anyway, from the bank he went to a money wiring place. That is where I had my guy serve him. As soon as my PI introduced himself, my WH took off running. The PI ran after him told him he was served and threw the paperwork into his truck right before my WH slammed the door on his fingers. Needless to say he did not get a chance to talk to him and explain to him what evidence we have on him, at this point it doesn’t matter, The main thing is that the divorce papers have been served!

After that, I unblocked him to text him that I knew everything and that the least he could do is give me a smooth divorce. The only thing he asked me was - what was going to happen with the house?! No apology, no nothing. I told him that it was canceled and that I was not going to return to our rental so it was up to him to decide if he was going to stay there or what he was going to do. Not my problem. He proceeded to say that he promised me to buy me the house and that despite what was going on, he was not going to back out. I didn’t answer and just blocked him again. Since then he’s been trying to call my son private but I have not had him answer just yet. I know eventually I have to have some form of communication, and I have told him to not call me whatever he wants to tell me to text me and obviously he does not want to do that so that’s why I blocked him again. He called my sister yesterday and she told him that she was at work and that whatever he needed he could text her. It’s like he doesn’t want to text all he wants to do is talk to over the phone, and I don’t know why?

I am gathering my financial documents to separate the bills I am responsible for so that my credit does not get ruined. Later I will email him what he’s responsible for. If there is any sense in him he will call the office of the paralegal who is helping me with the paperwork. I ended up going that route because it is less expensive and I got a good feel for the help that they are going to give me. It cost half of what an attorney costs and if I need to get an attorney later then I worry about that at that time. If we can come to an agreement before the court date that would be the best case scenario.

I cannot believe I was married to such a coward for so many years. My family tells me that I have finally woken up from the coma I was in. They are starting to see the independent woman I used to be before I was broken down by this narcissistic douche. I am ready to leave that old life behind and start a fresh one with me and my kids.

Thank you to everyone for checking in! Posting and reading on here has been very therapeutic for me 😊

As soon as my PI introduced himself, my WH took off running. The PI ran after him told him he was served and threw the paperwork into his truck right before my WH slammed the door on his fingers.

Really?

I believe your story is very inspiring (the way you handled it) and you should keep on posting to help future victims of Infidelity

If you want to stop him from calling, you could ask your lawyer to send a cease and desist letter. Written communication only, so that it can be used in court.

Onwards and upwards!!

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:58 PM, November 11th (Wednesday)]

Wow! This is amazing. I wish I had shown half the initiative you have!

I hope that by sharing my story, I can help someone else see the bigger picture of their life. When I first caught him 4 years ago, I gave him the benefit of doubt and he never suffered any real consequences. The only three “requirements” I had of him, he never did. I put so much effort into reconciliation while all along he continued with his underground affair. I wish I wouldn’t have stayed for so long in the dark but I knew when the time came I was not going to look back. And that is where I’m at right now. There is no looking back. I will never forgive him for what he did to our family and at least I can walk away saying that I tried. I don’t expect him to ever feel remorse or sympathy for me or my kids, I have come to realize that all he cares about is himself. What they say is true: When a person shows you who they are the first time, believe them.

I know this is very hard but you know you are doing the right thing.

The only thing he asked me was - what was going to happen with the house?! No apology, no nothing.

He’s that much of a coward. Couldn’t even apologize.

Not sure why the house is SO IMPORTANT to him.

Better times ahead.

The reason he wants to call and not text is because you can document the texts. You are doing so very well. Keep it up. Do not engage with him, he will just try to hurt you and blame you. Learn the grey rock method. Little to no interaction. Learn: “ I’m sorry you feel that way”. Period. End of story. Keep on keepin on!

The1stWife - The only way I can explain his concern about the house purchase is because that would guarantee his continued control and entanglement with me. He is the worst kind of coward. One who pretends to be your knight in shining armor, someone who claims to love and protect you but runs at a sign of trouble, or in this case, a PI 😂

His mother (who lives out of the country) just called me, so I am assuming he told her his version. I have no interest in talking to anybody from his family even though throughout the years of my marriage she was good to me. I’m not ready to talk to anybody that will have his best interest at heart. All I am going to hear is that he made a mistake and that he deserves another chance or that I should think about my decision further about divorcing him.

Fareast- he continues to disrespect me by not texting, my sister even told him if he needs to discuss the kids, please text. It’s always been his way or no way. If he is desperate to get in contact me the only way I will engage is via text. I still have him blocked he can bring up another way to try to text me. That burner phone that he can come in handy right about now. I will look up the grey rock method and implement it. The best strategy I can do at this time is NC. Thankfully he hasn’t tried calling me, my son or my sister today.

Thank you for the explanation. You really know him well.

Now that he’s lost control you need to be on guard (which you are). I like the fact you didn’t allow him “ to see kids” on Saturday as you knew it was an act or ploy. And the “please text” request is brilliant.

He’s realizing he’s lost his power and may try a number of things to attempt to regain it. My H tried a few things after Dday2 to try and regain control. I would not even answer him.

Some people have to learn the hard way. And even you take off the rose colored glasses you see them for who/what they are.

OD,

OMG you rock...you are doing so well,

He won't text as then there would be proof in black & white of who he really is for anyone to see.

I will say please be careful, proceed with extra caution,

Now he has been backed into a corner...he has no control of you, also his manipulations aren't working anymore, he could escalate his behaviour,

Stay strong you've got this.