SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s too bad nothing you do annoys him because that would give him an opportunity to set a timer and egg you on into ultra annoying levels of . . . Leaving wet towels in a clump on the floor? Chewing with food actively falling out of your mouth? Making sure no piece of dirty laundry is actually in a laundry basket? Proving that the best place for dirty dishes is in the sink, not the dishwasher (of course this includes bathroom sinks too)? Perhaps others have additional suggestions?

I don't know if in some of the moments I can go to humor. Worth a try.

Oh, I am sure I annoy him too. I know he still gets angry and overwhelmed too.

So much good stuff here, guys. I appreciate it.

Most marriages FAIL after an affair. Do you want your marriage to fail now? (Even though it was destroyed on the initial affair?). If both you want to work together at this point and stay together, then do so. Hate to say this, but being on this forum asking other people what you should do is the wrong thing to do. You should turn around, go to your husband and TALK TO HIM.

Just to be clear, I did talk to him and had always planned to when I posted. Sometimes I just want to get to the bottom of what I am feeling, and I find throwing things out on this site helps me sort through it all. We did have a real conversation about it.

I also can honestly say it's not lost on me that I put the marriage in the dumpster first. I do thank you for that post, TXQuail, I can see the input you put in was with my best interest in mind from your standpoint.

Bottom line... there was NOTHING inside that guy telling him 'no', as witnessed by the FACT that he went through with it. He's got no higher ground to stand on. Having integrity is like being a little bit pregnant, right? You either are or you're not. He's not a goddam jot better than his wife, and if you ask me, he's a good bit worse. Because HE KNEW the devastation and he still did it. And I'm going to stop now because I know HO doesn't like it, but I find her cheating H to be utterly sadistic, accepting her many apologies and all her hard work, her devotion to him and the marriage, all the while KNOWING that he was fucking around... and for like a year and a half to her six weeks. Knowing what I know about the trauma of adultery, I wouldn't inflict it on my worst enemy, let alone someone I claimed to love

I agree with you CT. His integrity was not there, that is not lost on me. And, I do think when I get overwhelmed its mostly the anger over what you describe here - that I was literally climbing and clawing and doing everything I could and reconciling in my mind his reactions he showed for that were not real is very tough. There is a lot of time there in that LTA that my life was a lie and not by my own choosing. I am now in a place that I am okay to hear those things, and no longer feeling defensive about them. Thanks for trying to respect my feelings about it though.

I advise you not to rugsweep.

Agree.

I do not find it hypocritical at all. I spent a lot of time realizing that my integrity was never there the way I thought it was because I bent the rules when it suited me. Now he has bent the rules when it has suited him. I did the work, I am requiring the same from him. I don't know where we will end up with all that, but I definitely know it will not be where we are now.

TXQuail isn't wrong, I do want the marriage if we can get to the otherside of this together, but right now we are definitely still on our own separate paths of our healing.

Prissy - agree, and thank you.

Daddydom - I think your post was dead on, there was too much for me to copy and paste, but I was nodding my way through that. And, it's interesting that we are in similiar places with empty nests, moves, thinking about the future.

We spent every waking moment that we were not at our jobs, working through my A. Six months after DDay, HT ended losing his job. He was tired, he was irritable, and he was also coping with becoming newly sober. It was a lot. He struggled finding a job in a pretty horrible market that would pay him what he was worth. Our life seemed to be in shambles. Having nothing to lose, we sold our house and moved halfway across the country. I think at that time it was a good decision for us to make. It offered us something of a fresh start. It removed a lot of triggers. It didn’t fix our marriage…we had to do that. We found IC’s, we still talked every waking minute, we still struggled. We also built a new life for ourselves in the process.

I believe that selling your house is a good idea. I worry that despite the good memories you have there, the triggers will always make you uncomfortable in your home. I don’t look at you and your husband spending so much time together as a negative thing. It can force both of you to face your demons and each other. You won’t have distractions that life brings to help you avoid each other. You can remove those other stressors and commitments to figure out what and who the two of you really want.

WOES- This was very comforting. In fact, as I mentioned we did talk about this a lot over the weekend, and I think that what you wrote aligns with my hopes. We will be in a situation where there are far less distractions. We can continue to do counseling through zoom, and I think it might be good for us to "duke it out" over the road before deciding on a next step - two houses, one house. I am hoping this next year will provide clarity, but at the time I wrote the original post, I think my biggest fear is what clarity it will provide.

I remind myself not to be committed to any outcome other than being hopeful that we both emerge happier, healthier people. Whether or not that's in a marriage together, I don't know honestly. I can't see it right now. But, I am happy to give it the time it needs and this break from the norm will either be an ideal place for that, or it won't. But, I agree with you, I can't keep living in this house. Nope. That's a definite no.

Sisoon - my counselor talked to me about that reframing too. She gave me these affirmations:

I accept anger is in my body. I love the feeling of anger in my body.

Weird, I know. But, when I sit and say it, it does remind me that a lot of my feelings are about non-acceptance and it aligns with what I learned by following the teachings of Eckhart Tolle - he says a lot of our unhappiness is not being aligned with what is happening around us.

The counselor said that by accepting the anger and allowing myself to feel it, I will process it better? I don't know, but I am doing the affirmation. Also I do it with the feelings of "abandonment" as well. When I do that one, I ugly cry so while it all sounds very silly I do think it's helping me.

You guys are truly the best. I have already really in essence have quit my job (I gave notice months ago). They have hired someone else that comes here soon for training. Selling the house does have to happen, I can't live there long term and heal, or at least I don't feel like I can. That just leaves whether or not I want to leave for this trip.

And, I do. I selfishly do want to see all the places and do the things. H and I talked about this on and off all weekend. I think deep down I felt guilty like I was staying with him in order to go do these things I have been looking forward to. It felt to me like I was using him knowing that I am not really deeply in this marriage.

After discussions, I can see I am in this marriage, I am just detached. The commitment is there, the intentions are there. The feelings are not there right now, but feelings are changeable. Having been honest with him about all that makes a lot of that guilt go away because I no longer feel I am misrepresenting something? I don't know if you guys can follow that, but now that is resolved I am a little more excited. I have places to land if this doesn't work out.

I know it doesn't make sense, but I still have some trust in my husband. I was surprised to realize that as we were talking. I am not saying I am over it, or that I trust him completely. I have already been blindsided. It's just when you look at the scope of trust - I trust him financially, I trust him to be a good father, etc. I have friendship feelings and history feelings about him. I don't know if I trust yet he is a good friend, but I do trust that underlying friendship is there enough for us to get along and give things our best shot.

He does seem very committed to an outcome of staying together. Having said to him that I don't have a commitment to any outcome was a difficult thing to to say, but I think it's been part of the crux of what is bothering me and why I feel so annoyed.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:57 AM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

What are the worst stressors? Affairs, moving, having no fixed home, becoming sober, losing a job. You two have been knocked sideways. Do you still love each other? Are you honest with each other? There are times in every long term marriage where one or the other loses interest. Given time, and patience, good feelings come back. You both might enjoy seeing the wide open world. There are lots of things to do and see.

Talk. Communicate.

You are right, things are sideways.

Yes, I do believe I still love him. I do believe I am being honest with him all the time. Sometimes, like with this post, I have to decide where I am actually to even start the conversation, but I usually can get down to that with some support here.

I believe he believes he is being honest with me as well. I think there are still things he hasn't faced or realized, so I look at the truth that it feels like I am getting as "today's truth" or temporary truth? There are things that if that truth doesn't evolve then I wouldn't see how we will move forward. I don't know if that makes sense, but this answer is coming from not knowing how to trust what's real when I was convinced I knew what was real.

I'm not telling anyone to rugsweep. I'm just being honest.

Just putting it in perspective.

Wife Cheats, gets caught, destroys marriage. Husband is destroyed, doesn't know what to do, goes to another woman. Doesn't feel like honoring his vows because his wife didn't. He ends up having an affair.

AGAIN- Thats the fact above. Thats what happened. Would this had happened if the wife never cheated? Probably not, thats a fantasy at this point.

This is a Reconciliation post by the wife.

HikingOut - Heres the deal. I do not condone what you did to your husband. It destroyed the marriage. According to yourself, you take responsibility for that. Thats good.

My Point:

BOTH YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND need to talk. When I said your marriage was destroyed, yes it was destroyed. You can never have that back. Its gone the day the cheating started.

What can you do now? END THE FIRST MARRIAGE. Am I saying you should go separate ways? NOPE.

HikingOut, ask yourself the following question.

"Do you want to be married to your husband?" My assumption your answer will be YES.

"Does your husband want to be married to you?" My assumption is your answer will be YES.

Now what I am suggestion is that you two may want to go out and get another marriage and start over. (AKA Renew your wedding vows, but this time, this time, KEEP THEM.)

I'm not suggesting rugsweeping by any chance. You know what you did was wrong. You put your husband in a dark place. Was he wrong for having his own affair after yours? Some will say yes, some will say no. It really depends upon your point of view. In my opinion, the marriage contract was ripped up and thrown out the window when the first person steps outside the marriage.

WITH THAT SAID. Knowing your marriage was destroyed by the affair. If you really want to work things out (BOTH OF YOU). Why not go out and "RENEW YOUR VOWS". It will be basically a second marriage and a start over.

At least you both can look into each others eyes and state, we have kept our vows on the 2nd marriage.

You're going to do what you're going to do. But I suggest you do the vow thing if you want to stay together. It will symbolize that you've started over, it will also verbally and mentally restore your vows that were broken.

With that being said, at this point does it really matter how many times you tell your husband you slept with the other man? Does it really matter how many times your husband slept with the other woman? I am sure BOTH OF YOU KNOW this number already.

Do you want to go out and see someone else? Does he want to see someone else? Heck I'm not telling you to rugsweep, you know the details already.

I'm just trying to get you to see a point that harboring the feelings of guilt or anger against your husband right now is probably a moot point. Same with what he has done with you. If you two are going to bicker for the rest of your lives, this won't work.

Hell, I guess what I'm saying to you is go to your husband and ask him if you two can get remarried, renew your wedding vows and start over. Get all this annoyance out and start over already.

----

Let me say, back in the day I used to think that marriage was a silly piece of paper. Its much more than that. It's a promise between you and another person. If that promise has been broken, then it becomes truely just a piece of paper with the value of nothing on it. However if you renew your vows, dedicate yourselves to each other, make those promises again, perhaps maybe, you'll regain the honesty and respect of each other again.

Its up to you on what you do. No offense but you post a lot here. To me it seems you want to continue with your husband and that posting here is your scarlett letter. I get that. But you can do a lot more by talking to your husband. So many people do not get a second chance at happiness. You just might have that. I don't know when you had your affair, I really don't care. However lets say it was 2 years ago and your husbands was a year ago. You both already know the details, just look at each other and say, lets forget those times. Lets move forward. Lets start over and renew our vows and never repeat what we did again.

There are many dangers of opening old wounds. Are you willing to take that risk? Is he willing to take that risk? I think you both are by your posts.

Well, TXQuail, you are not wrong I cheated first.

What you are dismissing is what I was experiencing from him while he's having an 18 month affair with our bookkeeper in our home.

I gave him a good divorce settlement, he decided he didn't want to go through with it. I was groveling about every day at the time of his affair started. He was with me at MC for months, he told me so many lies and things that were not true. He fucked this woman in my house more times a week than me. He started this whole RV discussion in the middle of his affair, and we purchased it before I discovered his affair. He told me this was a vow renewal of sorts, a new chapter.

I definitely understand my role in the death of our marriage. I understand the root of cheating to be cowardice, selfishness, and callousness.

I am not asking him to do anything I myself haven't done. Regardless of the idea that we both probably do want to stay married, doesn't mean there isn't work to do. He could have chosen a lot of other, honest ways of dealing with my affair. He had perfect outs.

I am sorry, it's probably hard for you to understand that I have put in work like this is a full time job. Those are the natural consequences of my actions, and I accept them. However, I will not - I repeat - WILL NOT help him out of the natural consequences of his actions.

Did you cheat back? Probably not, it's this thing we call integrity. Moving forward, I want a marriage that has nothing but integrity, friendship, selflessness, and to be a team. This is not who my husband is right now.

I know you are well intentioned. I do understand where you are coming from, but you are skipping past a lot of really malicious behavior whether it was justified or not.

I do understand his vulnerability. I had vulnerability at the time of my affair as well. It doesn't change my actions, nor does it change his. He didn't deserve for me to cheat on him, and I am sorry but I didn't deserve to be cheated on and lied to for 18 months either while he was pretending to mend our marriage and making me new promises one day and fucking her the next.

I understand this seems black and white to you, but I am sorry I think you are glossing over what has happened here. My affair doesn't eclipse his, his doesn't eclipse mine. We are both wrong for doing what we did, and it's going to take some time for trust and love to be rebuilt if it ever will be.

Its up to you on what you do. No offense but you post a lot here. To me it seems you want to continue with your husband and that posting here is your scarlett letter. I get that. But you can do a lot more by talking to your husband. So many people do not get a second chance at happiness. You just might have that. I don't know when you had your affair, I really don't care. However lets say it was 2 years ago and your husbands was a year ago. You both already know the details, just look at each other and say, lets forget those times. Lets move forward. Lets start over and renew our vows and never repeat what we did again

.

I do post a lot here. It has nothing to do with a scarlett letter however. It has to do with ever since this all hit the fan I can't focus on work. So, I stay on this site most days when I am here, and thankfully that's going to be over soon. However, I do get a lot from posting. I have learned a lot about myself, and it's been positive for me. I do talk to him in real life all the time, and lately ad naseum.

My affair was 4 years ago. It was a two month affair, long distance. His affair, I just found out about 7 months ago. It was an 18 month affair with someone who lived 10 minutes away, and worked for us and it was conducted mostly in my home as many times a week if not more than he had sex with me during that period.

There were a few days he had sex with both of us. And, I will never be able to wash that off. Doesn't matter what I did first.

There is a lot to unpack here, but hopefully that gives you a better idea.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:41 PM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

I do post a lot here. It has nothing to do with a scarlett letter however. It has to do with ever since this all hit the fan I can't focus on work. So, I stay on this site most days when I am here, and thankfully that's going to be over soon. However, I do get a lot from posting. I have learned a lot about myself, and it's been positive for me. I do talk to him in real life all the time, and lately ad naseum.

I think HO posts a lot here for the same reason I do: Writing is important to her, she does so fluently, and it's a way of thinking through complex and thorny issues. For some people, conversation is the most meaningful way to do this. For others, thinking while typing is incredibly therapeutic.

HO, as far as the situation here, I agree with others who have said this seems unnecessarily rushed, especially considering the shocks of the last few months. That's just my take.

Hikingout.

Like I said before, I don't care about details at this point. My limited exposure of the of your posts are just limited. If I run across them, I do, if I don't I don't.

I gathered from your post that you cheated first. Not to be too harsh on you, but that probably forever changed your husbands outlook toward you. It doesn't matter if you had sex with the other man once or 500 times, it will always haunt him. Doesn't matter the location, he'll forever know that another man got you while you two were married. Its just the way guys think. At this point, he probably will not care if he hurts you or breaks any vows he made to you. Once a man's wife cheats, he considers the marriage vows null and void. I'll be first to admit, that I gave my EX-W some demands that were probably outrageous at the time. She was willing to do anything to keep me around. She met all my demands and I still divorced her. I haven't spoken to her in over 20 years.

From a man's prospective, a cheating wife is the ultimate way a woman can disrespect him. Once he gets over the shock, his outlook toward the wife that cheated on him is completely different. You've forever lost the person that was once your husband before you cheated. That's something you'll just have to face the facts and live with.

I'll repeat, the marriage you had prior to any cheating was destroyed.

I can see your posts, you are reaching out asking for advice, venting, etc...

As betrayed spouse, let me give you some advice. There is a reason why your husband didn't leave you and divorce you after your affair. Did he do somethings that you do not approve of? Sounds like it, but he's a changed person.

Let me ask you a question. Do you think he wants to be with you right now? If the answer is yes, I think you need to go talk to him.

Stop this downward spiral of emotions while you can. The longer it drags out, the greater the chance you two will divorce. I don't think you want that.

If a guy truly loves a woman and she goes to him seeking comfort, you will tug at his heart. I know you marriage isn't the greatest right now. It will never be like it was before affairs. However, if you went to him, told him you loved him. Told him that the mistakes that BOTH of you have made can be forgiven. Ask him if he wants to be with you. I bet he will say he does.

Propose a renewing of your wedding vows as they were shattered by affairs. Tell him its a way to start over and let the bad decisions of your past go away. Lets start over. See what he says.

Now remember what I said. The man you originally married is long gone. He will never fully return due to the affairs. However the more you talk to him pursue him, tell him your feelings and being open with him, you might get 50%-80% of him back in time.

Another little secret, men love it when a woman desires to marry them. Gives a guy a little "high" knowing that. Bring up renewing your wedding vows to restore what was lost due to the affairs. Perhaps his reaction may surprise you.

Right now I feel like you two are playing chicken. Both of you are headed at each other at 100mph. Neither one of you wanting to dodge or slow down. If you keep doing this, you will crash into each other and you both lose.

I'm just telling you, I think you need to hit the brakes and stop this game of chicken. Be the better person and stop the game. Talk to him about starting over and see what happens. Who knows, you might be surprise and rewarded for your efforts.

To others on this reading my response. I'm really not trying to be a ARSE. I'm just being honest. You know if Hikingout really wants to be with her husband, I'm just trying to give her some advise. to win him back. In the end its up to HER and her husband.

[This message edited by Txquail at 5:56 PM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

Txquail's post resonates with me as a BH, hikingout.

Some good perspective in there. It doesn't matter if a WW didn't see it as disrespectful at the time, a BH will see it that way no matter what. And yes, I think it's true that the BH is a changed (and chastened) man and the old husband doesn't come back.

you already knew what Txquail pointed to in terms of the old marriage being gone. And I think you "know" too about the way a BH sees the world. But sometimes hearing it from a BH again is helpful.

I hope it is.

It never ceases to amaze me how some of you people seem to think that BH's are special snowflakes and that no one else could possibly have suffered as much in comparison. Like there could be ANY valid reason for someone to cheat.

I’m sorry, I disagree with these posts. You do not need to win him back. As a BW, who was also hugely disrespected in my WH’s affair and did not choose to have an 18 month affair in retaliation I just plain disagree.

Hikingout, at this point in my opinion, you are the same as my WH would be if he found out tomorrow I had been having an 18 month affair or a year long affair or even a 6 month affair. It’s not right after all the hell we’ve been through to reconcile when I could just divorce. It would be a terrible thing to do to him. It’s on your WH for not divorcing you or working on healing himself. Maybe in the future once you’ve both decided you wanted to reconcile, renew your vows. But don’t do that until you both actually mean it.

We renewed our vows in 2019 and it was really beautiful - it was just us and it was very meaningful. But it took me over 3 years to decide that’s what I wanted! There’s no need to rush into it until you’re sure.

Thank you. CT and thissucks.

I do not agree either except to say I know that I hurt my husband significantly, and I believe that the marriage as it was died from that.

Let me make this plainer, TXquail - I do not know that I want my husband if this is who he is just going to be. I do not have any reason to believe him when he says he want to save our marriage. He told me that over and over whilst fucking this woman. Vow renewal? Did you not read it when I wrote the RV

was supposed to be that? Purchased while still seeing this woman and affair undiscovered.

Basically you are saying that I am supposed to ignore his behavior for a full 18 months and chalk that up to the fact that I did it first? I don’t even think that is even possible any more than it was possible for him to ignore what I did.

I have had more therapy in the last four years than most people have in their lifetime. My actions since I have confessed have been nothing but in alignment with trying to save this marriage and to help him see how sorry I was for my decisions. And you want for me to roll over and ignore that he has these issues moving forward? He shouldn't go to IC or provide me with enough consistency that I know he does now want the marriage? He lied to me for 18 months, bold face lies. How do you propose I trust him now? He wants the marriage now that I caught him red handed?

It just doesn’t work that way. If you killed someone’s loved one, and they killed your in retaliation would you just let it go? Really? You can commit an offense, learn from it or not learn from it- it’s human nature to still be hurt when it happens to you.

I am hanging in there, I am moving forward, and am talking to him and telling him everything. Just because I spend time in this forum doesn’t take away from the time I spend with him. I am asking him to do the things he asked of me. At the end of the day you either believe cheating is 100 percent wrong or you don’t. There isn’t a he can bend the rules but I can’t and Vice Versa. I have done what I can from my end, and will continue to do so. But if he does not then there is no way I am going to blindly trust him again which is basically what you are proposing. This he can have feelings about it but I can’t is not something I accept as true. If it leads to the final end of the marriage then that is what happens because this is no longer all on me to fix.

Again, when you cheated first, you destroyed the marriage. You destroyed your husband and created the person you have before you.

Another thing that you may not have thought of. You made your marriage an open marriage. You originally brought another person into the marriage that wasn't your husband. Your husband at that point no longer felt he was bound by your wedding vows since you broke them first.

Theres a reason why most marriages where there are affairs end up in divorces. It appears yours will be heading there also.

I've been somewhat compassionate by telling you to try to renew your vows and maybe you can get your husband to come back to you. But you maybe right, the damage you caused with your original affair destroyed any respect he had for you.

From a man's prospective, a cheating wife is the ultimate way a woman can disrespect him. Once he gets over the shock, his outlook toward the wife that cheated on him is completely different. You've forever lost the person that was once your husband before you cheated. That's something you'll just have to face the facts and live with.

And Vice versa. Everything you just said I feel towards him as well. Basically, you are saying that I should accept a man who will always think less of me for doing something he had no problem turning around and doing bigger and better. Well if that’s what I have to sign up for no thank you. I do not have a time machine, I can’t go back and right that wrong. But I also do not have to accept less out of life moving forward.

For the record, he has not once complained about having to go to IC and figure himself out. I am not hell to live with, and I have been astonishingly patient with him. He says he feels grateful for the chance so maybe at least he has more sense than some. I come here and vent, and I can’t help my feelings on this. I just got mad thinking you feel I should just take it. I can’t understand that logic at all.

You have the same options your husband had. It is a choice on your part of which way you want to go. You don’t need his permission. I get upfront it’s hard to choose.

I will say when I see this issue come up occasionally it’s s different ballgame when the shoe is on the other foot.

I don’t think it’s a different ball game here though.

I recognize everything said about the ways I hurt my husband as absolutely true. I am only asking he figure himself out so I am Dealing with a healthy individual that I can consider trusting moving forward. I am requiring him the same things I did. This is not some sort of remorseless tantrum I am throwing. What both of us did is wrong. If we are to move forward we both have to have some room to heal.

Interesting and not an unfounded request.

Have you looked back and reflected on maybe the marriage had ran its course and that’s why you were ending it?

If I remember correctly the affair ended because his wife found out. You went to IC and confessed later. To your credit.

The reason I ask is some just stay together. There appears to be dysfunction on both ends here. I get infidelity can drive that but is there something deeper that you maybe both are missing?

[This message edited by Marz at 7:39 PM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

My cheating was the result of not coping well with a couple major crisis’s that hit at once and fundamentally not managing my life in a way that supported my own health and happiness. It had nothing to do with my husband or our relationship other than I was carrying resentments I should not have been holding against him.

His cheating I do believe was spurred by lack of coping over the trauma I caused him from my affair.

The relationship we have shared for decades outside of these events has been rewarding and loving and easygoing. I don’t want to just leave it on the table. If he accomplishes more healing I feel I will be able to trust him and I do think we can have a future together. But 7 months from my dday I have bad days and moments. This doesn’t mean the marriage is over. I don’t really know what will happen. I will stick by him as long as he continues working. I continue to keep working on me as well. I don’t take this situation as an excuse to do whatever or act however I want.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:48 PM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

Hikingout - Your explanation of your cheating may be 100% truthful. HOWEVER, your husband has nightmares that you cheated because he wasn't good enough. That almost always pops in a betrayed spouses head.

Again, I'm willing to bet, had you not originally cheated, your husband wouldn't have. Again, when you cheated, you destroyed any loyalty your husband had for you. You've got your Wayward Glasses on and can't see this.

Anyway, you are going to do what you are going to do. I thought I'd give you some advice to move on and perhaps mend your marriage.

From a Betrayed Husbands point of view. When his wife cheats, she cheated because she was more into the other guy than him. The Husband wasn't good enough or that you didn't love your husband. When the cheating happened, you changed you loving husband who was loyal to someone who who didn't care anymore. His decisions were made because the one he loved gave him the ultimate disrespect sandwich.

I've posted before, it is the original cheater is responsible for the changes in their betrayed spouse. Some of the betrayed will change personalities, some will start seeing other people as they believe their cheating spouse made the marriage an open marriage, they may treat the cheater very poorly, etc... Had the spouse not cheated they would not be in this situation.

Just remember your marriage was killed when you first cheated and it has never been renewed. You may think you were doing all the right things, but in your husbands eyes, you were not. I bet he still has dreams and nightmares of all sorts of things you and the OM did. He will never fully trust you again. Like I said previously, you've destroyed the loving husband you had before your affair. If you work hard and try, you might get 50%-80% of him back. However its mostlikely that you've already lost him and don't realize it.

Anyway, good luck with your marriage and I hope you pull it out.