SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been pushing back on your characterization of waywards despite knowing that your feelings are raw and what you are saying is coming from a place of pain. Why?

First, I have immense respect for waywards who do the inner work on themselves and change. Some of them have become way more introspective, understanding and caring than the average person. And it takes real courage to do that work too, which I admire.

Second, because I thought I saw a chance that your wife might be worthy of offering R to. You haven't told us much about the infidelity in your marriage but the fact that she confessed of her own accord is a signal that she might have it in her to make herself safe for the marriage. To make R work from her end. And from what we see here, a whole lot of waywards are not ready, willing or able to do that. Ever.

Many years ago my then gf confessed to me. I was in the Army, deployed, so there was a very small chance I would ever have known what happened. It was not a full blown affair but it hurt. I had no forums to assist me working through this and I obsessed over the decision. But the fact that she told me what happened proactively was a big reason why I decided to contunue the relationship. I am very glad I did. I screwed up with some rugsweeping for sure but the core decision to stick with her was one I have no regret on. So that's where I'm coming from.

It sounds like your betrayal was worse than mine despite having a similar confession of what happened. I am not trying to convince you to offer your WW the opportunity to try R. I think D is often the best choice for people for a variety of reasons. I just want you to know that if, as your pain recedes a bit, you vacilate about D or R, your wife could actually be a candidate that could make it work on her end. Her unforced confession is not a guarantee by any means but I believe it is a strong action in her favor.

your betrayal was worse than mine

It doesn't matter if one BS's betrayal was worse than another BS's betrayal. OP does not want to R. His WW's A was a dealbreaker. Period.

I have been pushing back on your characterization of waywards despite knowing that your feelings are raw and what you are saying is coming from a place of pain. Why?

First, I

YOU.

This isn't about YOU, or YOUR respect for the waywards here. This is HIS thread. He is drowning in pain. Being a cheerleader for the waywards here isn't wanted by him. He's made that clear.

Second, because I thought I saw a chance that your wife might be worthy of offering R to. You haven't told us much about the infidelity in your marriage but the fact that she confessed of her own accord is a signal that she might have it in her to make herself safe for the marriage. To make R work from her end.

He has said he doesn't want R. He's said it on this thread,and it's right there in his title. He has said why it's a deal breaker for him. It doesn't matter of she is worthy of R. He doesn't want it. That should be respected

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:05 PM, Tuesday, March 15th]

If you have any doubts about reconciliation don't do it. It is an incredibly difficult path and sometimes doesn't work out but do get IC to help you deal with it.

Best to you

OP does not want to R. His WW's A was a dealbreaker. Period.

Here's the thing: a BS can R for healthy or unhealthy reasons. A BS can also D for healthy or unhealthy reasons. A person who thinks there's only one response is very possibly choosing that response for unhealthy reasons.

Much of the OP's words are about WS's motivations, and he's pretty far off in his characterizations. If he's choosing D because he wants to D, if he can see himself living a good life after D, it's likely to be a healthy decision. If he's choosing D because of his image of WSes, he may be doing himself a disservice.

Nothere,

My point - and I think Bigger's point is very similar - is that you will probably benefit from playing devil's advocate for yourself, questioning your assumptions, and making sure D is your road to healing. Right now, it looks like you made a decision when your were an inexperienced, devastated kid kid and, and you're using that decision to drive yourself now, even though you may be very different from your father, and your W may be very different from your mother.

I do not mean the above as a diagnosis. I can read, however, and these are the thoughts that your posts have elicited. If I haven't read your posts right, then my analysis is wrong, but I do think you would benefit by questioning your assumptions. Being a betrayed H is different from being a betrayed child.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:48 PM, Tuesday, March 15th]

OP, as you can see above, Hellfire is getting all worked up from my earlier post despite me explicitly saying I am not trying to persuade you to R. I was only sharing my perspective that your WW is one of the very few to proactively confess and for me, and some others on here, that is a rarity and a hopeful signal... if you ever decided to consider trying R. I think Sissoon's post above gives you many ideas why thoughtful consideration of D,or R, is a great approach and that post supports the reasons why I shared my perspective.

However, if you read my post and feel as upset from it as Hellfire apparently did, my apologies. That was not my intent, just as it is not my intent to dissuade you from D if that is your decision. I fully believe D is the best course of action in many cases of marital infidelity.

So if my posts here in your thread are upsetting you, just say the word and I am happy to exit the conversation.

Notthere759.

Just know I am a BH and I have decided to R with my W. I am years down the road and happy, today, with my choices in this area.

In a lot of cases the WS isn't thinking about how to hurt their BS. If they think about BS at all it creates cognitive dissonance. Most WS during their A don't have the emotional intelligence to perform a cost benefit analyst at all. They keep the A compartmentalized where it can't touch any other aspect of their lives. Healthy? No. Possible? Yes. There are a lot of damaged people out there trying to make peace with their pasts, but do so in a cery unhealthy way.

Anyway one point I will raise is a painful truth I had to cross and it sucked at the time, but helped me move on.

It is natural to interpret your wife's actions as an attack. However the reality in my sitch was that my W was not thinking about me at all. She was indifferent to me.

Hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. So I was left with that in the context of the A. My W did not love me while having her A. Further if love is a verb to me her actions during her A were certainly not loving.

I don't know which is worse.

We both had to settle on that point. No malice, but indifference.

You are 100% within your rights to do right by you as you see fit.

As bigger pointed out you have options. You also have as much time as you need to make the right decision for you.

I think some of us are asking what is the hurry? Decisions made on emotions are rarely the right one. Maybe find an impartial 3rd party and talk to them? If nothing else it helps you process the trauma you have experienced.

Regardless of how your M ends up it would be good to talk to someone IRL. Speaking from experience. . . you deal with your past or it deals with you.

I hope you find healing, joy and peace one day.

Take care.

Going to talk to her tonight

It doesn't make sense for someone who cheated on you to suggest r despite knowing their past trauma.

you better start therapy for yourself and std..

focus on yourself and share what's on your mind here.

Your wife voluntarily confessed. Is it because you are likely to hear about the relationship?

Welp

Go on…. How did the convo go?

NoThere,

If you don't wish to reconcile then why drag it out? The talking is not going to accomplish anything unless there is a place inside you that is doubting this decision. Not knowing the details of your wifes affair and the circumstances makes it hard to offer advice on how to handle this, however going by your initial post I gather it was a work affair that went on for some time and developed from a friendship (hence why you know both OBS and the AP).

Now that you have blown the lid on it, the affair is obviously over and your WW is now in the desperate situation of losing both him and you. Desperate people say and do desperate things so be careful with what you do and how you do it.

Guilt is a horrible thing and often in anger we say and do things knowing that the other is in a vulnerable place. This is not excusing her behaviour given the circumstances but more a warning for yourself that sometimes, the consequences of our actions are not immediately obvious. Until they suddenly are. You don't want to be in a position where you feel guilt over your actions. Take them if you must, but allow yourself the leeway to be able to look back on this in future years knowing that you did it without feeling guilty in yourself for your actions.

If you are going to go the D route, then be at least kind about it and not angry and bitter. Being resigned to "this is the way it is and we can still support each other during this process" is much better for YOU than an angry "you are a wh**e, so get out of my life!" act is. If you have kids, this person will remain in your life as a co-parent at the very least so you still need to walk away with at least a working relationship. It may not be friendly, it may definitely not be loving, but it doesn't have to be hateful.

Often the goal of anyone in your position is to inhabit the Land of Meh. It's not a place of hate, or love but rather its a place where you have to deal with that person with no emotions. You have to be there as you have no choice, but being there doesn't rule your life. Anger, hate, love, caring all have the same basis - the existence of an emotion to that person.

So if D is your intention, drop the emotion and fall back into the "this is what is going to happen, sorry but not sorry we are here but let's just get it over with so we can both move on."

[This message edited by medieval at 5:44 AM, Wednesday, March 16th]

So the talk did not go as expected? Feel free to vent more if you need to. We have all had to that one time or another.

Should've clarified.

We talked about the divorce and everything. I'll post later

Basically I'm completely leaving her life after everything is settled. The house sells etc. She didn't take it well.

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 5:19 PM, Wednesday, March 16th]

Cheaters don't consider the damage they do. Many don't expect to be caught, others are confident they can manage the situation, some just don't care until of course their fantasy sours.

Your wife wants reconciliation. You owe her nothing. When she decided to have her affair she accomplished two things. 1) she ended your marriage. 2) she opened up your marriage.

If her fantasy life didn't work out that's too bad for her. Maybe she has recognized what she lost be betraying you and your marriage but I think it is far more likely she doesn't not want to operate without a safety net (you). In any case you have correctly reached the conclusion that so many in your place fail to do. That reconciliation is largely a wasted gift on a wayward spouse. So many betrayed spouses later regret the time wasted on a reconciliation when they learn it was never sincere or they just couldn't work past/accept the betrayal. Very few regret divorcing a cheating spouse and leaving them behind.

All the best on your journey forward.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 6:19 PM, Wednesday, March 16th]

I’m fine with a betrayed spouse’s decision to divorce.
Just like I would be fine if you decided to reconcile.
The key IMHO is to do either, rather than some mismatch divorced-yet-married/reconciled-yet-not reconciled.

Based on your original post… you carry resentment and anger. I am not saying that in any negative way or to make little of you or anything like that. I’m telling you what I read, as I would my best friend or brother. I’m going to suggest in the strongest way possible that you seek professional help for your pent-up resentment and anger. You can leave your wife; you can cut off ties with your mom. Both are fine and both are one option out of where you are. But each and every morning you wake up, and in the bathroom mirror you will see someone you can NOT cut off ties with: Yourself.

Dealing with your childhood, dads passing, moms’ behavior and now your wife’s infidelity… Many men fold over from less. Get the help you need because that’s whats going to matter more than your marriage or your mom. Focus on YOU.

Based on your original post… you carry resentment and anger. I am not saying that in any negative way or to make little of you or anything like that.

I see the same as bigger. So the suggestions below is only to help you:
- when going through the D process, think about what is best for your children, not revenge on your STBXWW.
- Don’t let what happened with your mother and STBWXX affect your view to women/relationship in general. I did let go of the anger at one point because I’m the one living with my anger. Why would I let my XWW affect my future happiness?
- the best outcome for you is to go from anger to indifference.

It will get better! Wishing you the best,

SH.

Great advice from both bigger and ShutterHappy. Most importantly take care of you. Get healing for you. My experience is not dissimilar to yours. A cruel, abusive, serial cheating father who destroyed my mother, and a WW’s ONS early in our M. I’m not that smart, but the one thing I realized early on that really saved me, was I knew that if I didn’t let go of my anger and hate, it would only hurt me. It would only consume me. It would not hurt my father. So I worked on me and I healed. Great advice above. I hope it helps you.

I am curious though at your WW’s reaction to your discussion. She had to know after seeing you cut your Mother out of your life for betraying your Father, she had to realize that you would react the same way with her, and cut her completely out of your life for her infidelity. She could not have been surprised.

Very sorry this happened. Good luck healing. Focus on you.

[This message edited by fareast at 1:33 PM, March 16th (Wednesday)]

Make the divorce process as free as possible of anger, resentment, or revenge. Maintaining a cooperative relationship with your WW is essential in establishing good co-parenting. That should be your focus along with obtaining professional help to deal with any demons that haunt you due to your mother's or WW's infidelity. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

Infidelity for you is a dealbreaker and that is perfectly fine. As I stated previously, the option to move off that position is always your prerogative. But I understand how you feel. I wish I had stuck to my guns regarding infidelity as an automatic termination of my marriage.

Hi again

So she wanted to talk about things. But what she and I wanted to talk about was completely different. She refused to talk about the divorce and wanted to work on "us" I told her there wasn't any us anymore. I told her this was happening regardless of what she says or wants and I would go tommorow to get everything ready with of without her. She wasn't having it.

So at this point I'm pretty frustrated and she just says she wishes she never did it blah blah blah and I just kept repeating "are you done?" She just broke down and became incoherent. I was done so I called her a worthless whore who not for the kids I regretted ever meeting and I would never forgive her and that when she was all alone she'd still have her memories fucking that loser. Not really proud of it but I meant every word. She went to be with her parents and that's where we are. Going to keep talking to a lawyer and see what to do since trying to get her to cooperate wasn't happening