SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had to let my then WS walk out. I had to believe very strongly that I could not change him and that I had the right to be free from a lying cheating spouse.

By letting her go you are taking yourself out of the equation....believe in that. She will have to float on her own, she right now thinks that the OM and the A are wonderful and that all will be good when she leaves...all the stuff she and the OM have been telling each other for months. You have to know that you have no choice, you never did, she did this all on her own.

Let her leave, tell her to take everything she needs, ask for the keys to the house and tell her she can see the kids anytime she wants but to call first to make sure you are not there...take yourself OUT of the equation.

She will find that she cannot live her fantasy life.

And you may find that you do not want her back.

Consequences of ones actions really suck sometimes. Let her feel that.

(((((GOOSE)))))

Man.... I know this sucks but hang in there.... Listen to those thats been there... I feel so bad for you because I know exactly what your going thru....

We are here for you....

Goose,

I think calling and talking to the OM BW is a good idea but think the conversation thru before you do though. Be prepared for anything as we have seen their reactions can be unpredictable.

If you didn't want to call then a certified letter restricted delivery might be the way to go.

Either way know that you are doing the right thing.

[This message edited by victory at 7:21 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]

Ok I'm going to let her go and prepare for when she leaves.

Her little bitch friend is texting her...all day. Making their plans. Maybe she can live with her little bitch friend in their Ghetto house???

I was telling her last night that her "friend" is toxic and needs to go. Maybe she can't tell with that, and that's what is causing her to leave???

She is looking for someone to tell her what she wants to hear. And the friend seems up for the task. They both speak crazy and that is what your WW wife wants right now.

Not the reality that you keep shoving under her nose. She needs to text to get her fantasyland ideas built up again.

Focus on informing the BS. And you and the kids. 180 her ass to hell and back.

She is looking for someone to tell her what she wants to hear. And the friend seems up for the task. They both speak crazy and that is what your WW wife wants right now.

Yup. The friend is telling her you are being unreasonable. The friend is telling her that you didn't treat her right anyway. The friend is telling her to take everything away from you. The friend is telling her that she is a good person and that you are bad.

Goose! Breath! Remember, she suppects that you're getting your information from her texts and computer usage. She very well might be baiting you to figure out how exactly your getting your information.

I agree with the others. See a lawyer immediately to see what your options are.

goose-em, sadly this is normal behavior for the WS. This the FOG that everyone talks about. It's made even worse when there's an enemy of the marriage encouraging her every step of the way.

I'm sure that you know by now that she lied to you about it just being about sex. This is the start of the roller coaster that everyones been telling you about. One moment she seems remorseful, the next moment, she's leaving. Your roller coaster will consist of you wanting her to GTFO, and the next you will want her to stay.

You know the pain of DDay now. ALL of us here have been through it, so you're in good company. Listen to what people in this forum are saying.

The 180 is for you to take care of yourself. If you are able, ask for some time off from work so you can process all this. Get checked for STDs, prepare yourself financially, and lawyer up!

These next few days, weeks, and even months are going to feel like hell on earth. Come here often if you need to vent. Do not beg, cry, or plead with your WW. It does no good. When they are in that state of mind, nothing you do or say will get through to her at this time.

Have your lawyer draft a separation agreement....pronto!!! Her, seeing it on print, will kill any notions she has about taking anything or anyone without consent! You need to protect your childrens best interests....and that's keeping them in the house with you!!

Stay focused....she's probably baiting you, but who knows for sure. You need to stay 2 steps ahead of her. Get with your lawyer first thing tomorrow.

Ah, yep. The fog is crazy-making. My WH got those emails, too, about apartments. He wanted me to see them. His little manipulation...

I shrugged them off and still went through with things on my end...about the separation papers. When he saw I wasn't kidding around or being manipulative, he grew weak and pathetic.

Take care of yourself. Call the OM's wife pronto. It will at least give you someone to compare notes with and empathize with and to (if she doesn't hang up on you in disbelief.)

Seriously, her fog is heavy and thick. She vascilates between her fear of losing her life and her fear of losing her fantasy. Sorry, can't have both, honey.

Be strong! You CAN and will get through this. Every day you grow more informed and stronger. You can do this!

Sorry your having to go through this hell goose-em...

...stay strong...help her pack her shit...let her know that your not going to put up with her evil crap.

My staying strong in front of my fwh and outting the A to everyone broke his fog pretty quick..within a few days.

Just remember, even if your WW doesn't break out of her fog or want to R...you can and will find much better than her. There are women out there that will treat you right...not all of us are sex addicts and betrayers.

Something important to keep in mind when you are talking/negotiating with her is her current mindset.

If she was all into you and the marriage, this wouldn't have happened. If a happy marriage is center, she is way off to the left or the right. If she was of the frame of mind that she could have sex with someone else, she is already mentally checked out of the marriage.

Goose-em - sorry for your pain.

Regarding telling the OM's BW, I made the choice not to tell because the A was over and it was my way of keeping MOW from fishing (that I would out her to her H). In your case though, I think that it would be in your interest to tell. Women are much more forgiving to their WSs than men. If the OM has to make a choice, he will probably stay with his wife and there is a good chance they will work on their marriage. Your WW will be rejected by him, which will help with her fog. No guarantees of course, but being on this board for over 2 years and doing a lot of research, it is very common for the OM/OW to drop the A and go to their spouse.

Easy does it! My WS ran for the hills on D-day. He was too chicken to face the music so he hid out. I did not react well to that tactic. I don't get pissed off easily--but it's not a pretty sight when I do. I put a pile of all his belongings in the yard and had a lovely bonfire.

My ws and I were separated for 9 months. I had bottom line boundaries and stuck to them:

no contact with OW

Individual Counseling

Maraige Councelling

STD testing

It's all the basic stuff you will hear about here. Damn, I wish I would have found this site before D-day instead of months later.

goose....

You said...

She is scared to death I'm going to tell the OMW.(which I'm going to).

Have you told the OMs BS yet....

I think your wife is still in contact with her BF....can you verify this???

She needs a reality check for her fantasy.......tell the other BS!!

Tell the OMs wife.....ASAP!!!

Bufffalo

I agree...tell the OM wife immed.

Thats the next step in this mess.

You really having nothing to lose at this point.

And..he may throw her under the bus immediately....

Whew! What a lot of great advice you've been given!

I'm so, so sorry, Goose, that you find yourself here. I really admire the way you've handled things. I'd like to add something: it's okay if you can't hold it all together.

You've been remarkably strong. But be forgiving of yourself if you fall apart. You are in the midst of what is likely the largest trauma of your life; though we all admire how well you are confronting it, we all will be here if you need to let go of the strong.

I'd like to also highlight something another poster said, just because it resonated with me. My WH and his OW sort of cemented their alliance after d-day. Reading this explanation helps. In your situation, it can for sure be applied to your WW's BBF (bitch best friend), but it may also end up applying to OM.

She is looking for someone to tell her what she wants to hear. And the friend seems up for the task. They both speak crazy and that is what your WW wife wants right now.

Do tell the other BS, as you've planned. But do it without expectation, simply because she needs to know. It is the right thing to do. But it may not produce results you're looking for. For my WH and his PS (Psycho Sponge, how he now describes the woman worth throwing a life away), it seemed to foster the "us against them" mentality, and the A went underground. Still, I'd do it again.

Talked more last night.....

She is starting to paint the picture that I was a jealous controlling guy through our whole marriage.

If I could have just fully trusted her this peobally wouldnt have happened.

She said I used to run around all the time like a scared puppy that I could lose her and the world was caving in.

She said it wasn't even about the sex either, it was about being presued by "someone" like him.

Is she still in shock? There is some truth to what she is saying. She didn't seem remorseful last night???

She went on and on how how I could never trust her again(didn't trust here before)

I know people have said to wait for a week or two before we make any big decisions yet.

She is not begging or pledding or saying she can change, kinda is it what it is atritude.

Should I just press on with kicking her out????

Continue on with the 180. She is blame shifting, trying desperately to find a reason to blame you rather than face up to the fact that she screwed up. She wants you to accept the blame and stop looking at her too closely so she can continue eating cake. She wants you to continue being a paycheck while she screws OM.

She is blame-shifting.

Nothing you did caused her to have an affair.

Strong 180 now - let her go.

Before you last post I wanted to say that I wouldn't be surprised if she was able to go NC with the current dude, since it was just about sex. However, I would be surprised to find he was the first. Sounds like she's done this before. Others have told you to ask about other men and you seem to be avoiding that issue - denial? Or maybe too much at this time, but eventually you need to know.

If either of you decide to R, I would insist on a polygraph and find out if there were others.

Also, it can take months to decide whether to R, not a few weeks. I'm seven months out and have made no promises except that I am trying. My H knows that there may come a time where I decide R is too hurtful and exhausting to continue.

Remember, you are very strong. Breathe, drink, eat, exercise, go through the motions of life even when you don't want to or don't think you can.