SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I told her to write a letter to him and copy me....But I didn't tell her "what" to write.

PS: Please tell the OS. It is important here and don't worry about the fall out.

I wish I had an OS but it appears they are single, divorced...whatever...

Please read the part about how a NC note should read. I am out of time to write here or find it but know that her note needs something...but can't put my finger on it at the moment.

Hang in there! One moment at a time.

"Reassure her of your love and commitment to her being completely separate from her mother's behavior."

I agree....sit your daughters down and reassure them ... don't just let it go unsaid. Say it out loud.

Yeah I spoke to my step daughter and told her that it doesn't matter what happens with her Mom..That I will always love her and be in her life. That won't change.

When I said that I could see the deep pain in her eyes. And I told her that I'm here if she needs to talk or needs support.

AND that none of this was her fault.

It's soooo...sad.

so that is the one she sent already then?

alright, well she is giving some nice, little mixed messages in there to the OM, so keep heads up for her OM to go all KISA with a response....

and sadly the sadness could be chalked up to her missing her OM and passion, the typical WS withdrawals which can be absolutely brutal on the BS

Yeah she sent it. already.

Get ready for the A to go way underground. Keep your eye out for secret phones, etc. It is rare that it just ends. Tell the BW all that you know.

I feel for you, I really do.

By "How is she with them," I am asking if she is being erratic and allowing her behaviors about the A affect her care-giving.

I am glad she is holding that part together.

Good for you for talking with you SD. She will need your support and love.

Hm, she copied the letter to you, huh. Was a blind copy or a Copy, copy? I ask because, as others have said, she may be setting things up to take the A underground. In other words, "Hey, OM, WH knows, so keep it on the VERY down low."

But, it could also be that she felt she HAD to say too much...who really knows.

In any regard, be sure to hold fast to what YOU need. I am tempted to tell you to start paperwork on D or S, but, of course that is up to you. I really am getting the gut feeling that she won't "quit" on her end (the A) until she knows you really WILL quit the M.

goose my H's best friend knew about his affair and even encouraged him to do whatever makes him happy.

He is still friends with him, i never asked him not to be...I was okay with this, sounds like you aren't though but I'd decide if this is a dealbreaker for you or not. It wasn't for me.

Is it even fair to compare our sex life(which I thought was pretty good). To that of the A.?

I would imagine you can't really because the A. is mostly fantasy and is based on secrecy, forbidden, newness and that fact that they couldn't be together.

I'm naturally thinking there is something wrong with me. But I guess it would pretty hard to compete with all the fantasy of an A. How could you? I'm really trying not to take this personal,but it's hard not to.

She hands down said this has nothing to do with "love" and she has no interest in being with him in the future.(and never has).

She said she just couldn't imagine never going through her whole life without having that feeling again(raw passion like your first high school love). It was almost not fair she couldn't have that again.

And that is how she twisted it in her head to make it right.

I reminded her gently..that that is WHAT marriage is...being with only ONE person. You can't have both, that is not the way the game is played and that is why our marriage is over.

The only way to have the "feeling" is to move from relationship to relationship searching for it.

AND THIS WHOLE TIME I THOUGHT I HAD ISSUES>>>>> HOLY SHIT. I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS MY WW?????

goose, dont bother trying to compare your sex life to the A. Apples to oranges.

She is a grown woman that should know by now, marriage and love is so much deeper and meaningful than the butterflies in your belly everytime the phone rings.

She CC me on the email. NOT BCC.

the A. is mostly fantasy and is based on secrecy, forbidden, newness and that fact that they couldn't be together.

yep....her affair is NOT about you. It is a selfish, self centered act...it is a form of self medication for pre affair issues....like a junkie on crack...

is she in IC??

Bufffalo

so Goose? Do you have any idea what YOU want? Just curious.

Goose,

Not to be a total downer here but it isn't unheard of that the the letter writer will pre-warn the recipient of it being fake or they will let them know after the fact. So just be sure to keep your eyes open...

You are right. You can't compete with the excitement of her affair sex. But you know what? The excitement of that secrecy is destroyed. If she continues with OM, their sex life will become "normal" after a while. There's nothing wrong with you. WH and I had a good and active sex life and he had affairs. She may be making this seem like it's about what she lacked with you, but it's not. She will NEVER find a relationship with another man that doesn't eventually lose the butterflies. That is not love. It is infatuation. If that's all she wants in life, you won't have a future. If she can come out of the fog and realize what true love is, there may be a chance. It is so hard not to compare ourselves with the OP. But it is NOT about what we are lacking. Keep posting your feelings and we will remind you of the truth.

I agree with the others....don't compare yourself or your sex life to the fantasy life of an A.

WH and I had a mind blowing sex life...I never thought he'd need or desire another...turned out he was learning a whole lot of tricks freom his OW.

WHo the hell wouldn't want that stir of "new" passion?? I thought WH and I did a good job of taking ourselves away from kids and enjoying our passionate love life....it kills me that it was all a lie.

This is all part of the devestation done to your psyche....you will now question everything pertaining to your relationship. Everything will seem like it was a lie (of course, they will tell you it wasn't). My wh still claims he didn't really "enjoy" sex with ow---oh, and occasionlly couldn't even perform!! wtf??? Really?

They expect you to believe their lame excuses--seriously, it will baffle you...

You now trust yourself...and that's it for a while.

You're doing great...better than I did.

Looking back...I wish I were stronger and set more boundaries right away. And don't bend on them at all.

[This message edited by blindsidedbyhim at 2:37 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]

Her reason for cheating, she wanted the passion of a new relationship. And She doesn't love him. Apparently she doesn't love you either. Not to be unkind, but if she was not even in "love" with the OM, what exactly did she throw your lives away on? An orgasm. A lousy ten seconds of euphoria. I think you are absolutely right for divorcing her. What does she offer? Like you said. Years of counseling, pain and hard work on your part. For what. 5 years down the road she "needs passion" again. Based upon her responses to you. You can have no expectation that she will not cheat again. It wasn't a "love" affair, it was "I want sex with a stranger and I don't care what the hell happens to my husband, kids or family" affair. Move on, you deserve better.

Right now....I'm going to let her sleep in my house for 1-2 weeks.(if I can put up with it)

I agree with Hardtoswallow...If she wasn't in love, and it was just about sex. And she can throw our whole life away for 15 seconds, She really offers me nothing.....really. Nothing.

Years of heart ache, counseling and she will probably do the same shit.

Then I'll be 40 years old...and may have missed an opportunity to meet someone cool..who will respect me and my family,and I can build a life with.

Right now...The WHOLE thing is sinking in...hard to breath....This is SOOOOO HARD!!!

Goose

As a jaded BH, I get what you are feeling. And I encourage you to handle your personal matters as if D is the path (separate your finances, 180, whatever you need to protect you and your children)

But you do not need to rush to a decision. You have done wonderfully putting yourself in charge of the situation. Keep it up.

You will find that your willingness to kick her ass to the curb is the only place to be. Detachment = power. And brother, after having your balls handed to you, you need that power.

All I am saying is to keep your wits and not rush anything now. Gather information, assess the damage, consider your options and their benefit/cost ratio, and protect yourself at every turn.

You never know. As crappy a wife as she is now, she might become a Thundersmom or StillLovingHim (just two of the many remorseful WW's that have dedicated themselves to their M and H.) You just never know. And if she really does change, you might as well get the benefit of it, eh?

So come on over to the I Can Relate forum and find the Betrayed Men posts. Lot of old timers there that give really good advice. They've helped me a lot. You'll especially find the wisdom of Wincing_at_Light good and amusing.

Stay focused. Stay strong. We are on your side.