SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

icando: you're right...the OW is the one that makes the OC suffer. She is the one who chooses to get pregnant (at least in our case but I concede that accidents do happen), chooses to have the baby over, doesn't give H's feelings any consideration and then expects compensation?! I pray every night that the MI case makes it to the Supreme Court. Men should not have to be held accountable when the OW is the only one w/ the decision making power. I have been w/ my H for over 10 years, through many bad times and career changes, lived apart on two different continents for over 14 months and now, when his career is taking off, I'll probably be the one to suffer b/c she "might not ever have another chance to have a baby." Boo fucking hoo...go to a sperm bank if you want a kid that badly. Truth of the matter is is that she didn't want to work that hard to achieve her "dream" of children. It's much easier to take the coward's way out and steal someone's H for a tryst and get pregnant that way. Wife? What's that? It's all about me, me, me (OW).

tornapt: I did consider and my H and I discussed pushing for him to have 50% physical custody of the child. But to be honest, I will be damned if I'm going to be a free babysitter to her brat even for one weekend. H does not want to drive a wedge btwn us and we are honest enough to admit that OC in our home when we do not yet have our own will drive a very big wedge and will end up w/ me resenting H. Our marriage is too important to us after hard work a R and neither one of us will allow someone to come between us again. An even greater concern is that if we were to let the OC it's a package deal that the OW comes with it and I draw the line there. No room in my marriage for her ever again and over my dead body.

twokidsmomny: I'm SO SO sorry to hear the numbers. I know what you've been going through. PM me and we'll chat. Hugs, hugs, hugs...

BeeTrayed: would you be willing to share what's going on w/ your legal situation?

BW

I don't think there is anything hypocritical about being kind to children.

No, my stbx and I can't make it work, and I don't see how that has anything to do with being an active and involved parent in the lives of the children you've (your wayward spouses) brought into this world. I think it's unethical and cruel to abandon your children, but ADMITTEDLY some of the OW's won't allow involvement once your WH's dump them. I'll give you that...

I will step away from this thread now. It's not a support thread, it's a vent thread against innocent children and that is why I hadn't chimed in earlier.

Best wishes.

aladypilot i agree.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 11:12 PM, June 8th (Thursday)]

I agree with twokids. Why is the OC any more special than 1) our own children or 2) ourselves, simply b/c it's a child w/o the benefit of its parents being married? I too had no say so when my H cheated on my and impregnated the OW. I don't have to welcome either the OW or the OC into my life. My only responsibility is 110% effort into reconciliation with my H. The OC is the OW responsibility, not mine. That said, my H will do what is required under the law which is a check every month. The law does not say he has to be a daddy to this child, only provide for it. He made a mistake, admitted it to me, apologized and is showing me every day how sorry he is for hurting us. Simply put, he is putting me and our marriage first and right now as fragile as that is there is no room for anyone else no matter what their connection to him is.

I'm sorry for those who think this is a OC rant thread. It's simply a forum for those of us in this situation to vent our feelings, on any topic and receive support and at time constructive criticism without judgment. We all have to deal with our situation in the best way we can. We cannot know how to react, behave, think or what to say when faced with this incredible sense of betrayal and hurt. The very foundation of our marriage was shaken and something as sacred as having children together will never be the same.

At some point you just have to put yourself first no matter who else is in the picture. The OW's use of their own unborn/born child as a pawn against the child's father is disgusting. But if we put ourselves first all of a sudden we're the bad guy.

Sorry, but I'll take being the bad guy over giving in to the OW demands any day of the week.

Wishing everyone a good night,

BW

I guess, according to aladypilot, that betrayed spouses whose H's father illegitimate children are suppose to put the OC first in their lives and sacrifice for the OW's child?

I am totally not getting her message and it doesn't make any sense.

No where that I know of is it written by anyone that the OC are being hated on by BS's here on this thread. Maybe someone has an ax to grind agaist betrayed spouses who H's didn't leave them. Maybe that is what the real issue is with those criticizing us.

I define us as BS who are sharing information to help us cope with the trauma caused by again, THE SELFISHNESS OF WS and the VINDICTIVENESS OF OW.

In this day in age, pregnancy can be prevented by using appropriate contraception. OW are screwing married men. They know exactly what they are doing. They aren't making a mistake when they get pregnant. They are doing it on purpose. What right-minded woman lets herself get pregnant by a married man?

My child has severe allergies which cause him to be susceptible to other illnesses. He has to go the doctor and take medications frequently. His vision changes frequently and he has to have new eye examinations for new glasses. His prescriptions are expensive. I have paid $65.00 for a presciption nose spray and he uses about 12-14 of those per year. Again, I'm not getting any public assistance. With the cs money coming out of my H's paycheck, I have had to delay purchases for some of my son's prescriptions. I literally did not have the cash to make the purchase.

Who is really suffering? my child or the OC who's whore for a mother receives nearly $2000 per month in 'free' untaxed money and pays $69 in rent through section 8. And did I mention that she gets about $60 per month in gas vouchers when everybody else I know (all taxpayers) have to pay out of their own pocket for their gas.

Aladypilot do you pay for your own gas?

OW also gets totally free medical through medicaid. And my H did have to put oc on his health insurance also and pay 60% of the day care.

I feel that my H shouldn't have to do it all. The $617.00 OW is getting is being spent to pay a lawyer to dig into me and My H's previous years tax records to try and get her MORE money!

This is TAX-FREE MONEY FOR HER that my H is paying taxes on.

I don't care what anybody has to say about how I feel about OW's brat. OW is 27 and already had a 10 year now she has a baby. Ow has been on welfare all her life. I predict the same for both of her daughters. This OC is highly likely to be pregnant before age 19 because her mother was. She is likely to be a high school drop out because her mother was. She is likely to be ignorant thinking and immoral like her mother because she has the example of her mother to follow.

Her mother made a willful decision to have a child out of wedlock by a man who would have a conflict. She assumed big time that MY H would walk away from me and my child. She was WRONG. NOW she and the OC will suffer for her stupid assumption. The money that she is getting will never be enough to satisfy her because she has lost the attention of my H. The OC will suffer because she won't have the support of her father and father's family.

No one in my H's family wants to be involved with OW or OC because their respect my feelings. They know about all the OW's crap and what she is trying to do to us. They know that I am a peaceful person. They want to see me overcome this situation and close the door on this ow/oc mess. And they know that my son has suffered greatly because he knows about everything.

The OW is trying to not just harm my H and me, but my son also. Who HAS SUFFERED THE MOST, ME and MY SON!!!

[This message edited by icando at 12:00 AM, June 2nd (Friday)]

What if your children know they have another sibling and they already have spent time with this child and they ask everyday when they are gonna get to see thier brother again because they miss him isnt that hurting the children too. My kids hate the OW my oldest son wishes she would die. But that doesnt stop him from caring about his brother. And dont you think that maybe just maybe this still may cause problems in the future with your marriage when your H cannot live with the guilt anymore of just leaving a child behind. He might not say it now but its probably gonna happen and then he is gonna be looking for someone to blame for his guilt and instead of blaming his onself like he should be hes gonna come after everyone who helped push that child away.And then where is your marriage gonna be.

Aladypilot is rigth this isnt a support thread this is a bashing thread for everyone who has decided to let the child into thier lives. It takes alot of courage and understanding for these men and women to open thier hearts and homes to these babies and i think that deserves alot of respect and support not put downs and smart remarks.

Hi - sorry to barge in uninvited, but I was just wondering if any of you would like to contribute to the SI Book Project we are working on?

We are looking for an editor for the chapter on Dealing with an OC, and this seemed like the best place to look for someone.

You can find more information on the project on this thread in General:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=107497

Please PM me if you are interested in coordinating the OC chapter - or any other.

Thanks

Sara

wow

reading stuff from aladypilot and stressedwife.

i think we all need to remember that we are trying to survive in whatever way we can.

none of us asked to be in this situation yet here we are.

it took a while to establish this "safe" thread for us after other threads where several members were bashed for opinions that people didn't agree with.

i admire the women/woman that can welcome this OC into their lives BUT i cannot. simple as that. it is nothing personal against the OC but against the act of infidelity, OW and what it has done to my life, my person, my dreams, my self-esteem, my family, my innocence etc.....

i did not make the decision of NC with OC my H did, BUT i would have made that demand if he had not done it on his own accord. i am willing to admit that. i believe, i would not have been able to look at that child without thinking of the pain that has been wrought on my life.

i also did not want to have to explain to my 7 yr. old why there is a child that is daddy's but not mommy's. i don't think she needs to have that confusion, i want to retain her admiration and love for her father and her innocence.

i realise that there may come a time when she is a young adult that she will have to deal with this depending on what happens, but i hope and think she may be better able to understand.

i was so glad for all of us when tonya started this thread. i felt and still feel that we are a small group of people with this life long complication that is soooo hard.

i really don't see any "OC bashing". there is definitely OW bashing and i am all for that, happy to contribute and i see it all over this website .

i know my H struggles wth this as i do but he has chosen us, his family and with that comes sacrifices just as i have made sacrfices in staying in this marriage and trying to make it work. i firmly believe that leaving would have been the easier route and still think that. no offense to anyone who left the M, i don't know your situation and you have to do what is right for you. i am almost 10 months out from my d-day and still think wonder if i will make it.

i may not write very often but i read everyday and need everyone of you to keep my sanity.

as we all know, friends and family only want to hear so much and, i think, can't really relate so i rarely discuss with them anymore.

take care and let's be kind to each other.

cat

Hey- I'm sorry to interrupt also- but there is a post on General with some questions regarding the OC- from grace- could someone go over there and help her out?

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 11:13 PM, June 8th (Thursday)]

H went to court this morning to relinquish his parental rights as OC's father to allow EXOW's H to adopt him. It is finally over after a little over two years I can breathe again. Why do I feel guilty? I told my H that I would support him no matter what decision that he made. If he wanted to have a father relationship with OC I would deal with it. In the end he decided to allow the man who OC knows as his Dad to adopt him.

The finacial part of this story is done and that is a big weight off of my shoulders. I no longer have to go over in my head how I am going to tell my two little boys that they have a little brother out there by another woman.

I do however have sadness in my heart that my H had to make that decision in the first place. I know that it was H and EXOW who made this mistake but it has affected so many and pushed it's way into every aspect of our lives it is hard to beleive that it is over.

This is a topic that people have very strong feelings and opinions about.

People do not have to agree with how others handle their situation but there will be no personal attacks in this thread or this forum.

kd

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 11:14 PM, June 8th (Thursday)]

tkm,

Tonya is still a moderator but has been unable to be here for the time being so isn't on the mod listing right now.

Any moderator is available to moderate any thread. We all understand the issues of this board and the rules apply uniformly to each forum no matter the subject.

kd

kd-

thanks-get your drift. We appreciate all you do.

I haven't been on here in a while. Just wanted to update ya'll. We FINALLY got the DNA test results back this past Saturday. IT'S NOT MY H's CHILD!!! I can't even begin to tell ya'll what a releif that was. We called OW to see if she had gotten her letter, she hadn't, so we told her the results. She cried and tried to argue that it is wrong, the lab must have messed up something. She's CRAZY!

In my most recents responses I was answering an attack on me and my situation. I do not wish to be attacked that I am bashing OC, which I am not. I am not responsible for OC and will not let anyone put that responsibility on me.

I am not worried at all about what my H will do in the future. When we resolved this issue BETWEEN US, my H made a Decision. That decision was to honor his marriage. OC/OW do not belong in the marriage. I don't share (knowingly) my H.

My H doesn't have to feel guilty about not having a relationship with OC. If he wasn't paying for the expenses of the OC then yes, he would have something to feel guilty about. He chose his marriage like he was suppose to. He doesn't have to feel guilty about that.

It could never be just a relationship between him and OC anyway. It would be a relationship between OC and our family (inc. me and my child). It is not only his choice but it is my choice also.

My H knows it is not just his choice. He knows it is our choice. As for my son, he chose also. His choice is to not to have anything to do with OW and her OC. Not because he mad at OC, but because the mother is trying to destroy us. My son will not be forced to accept some oc from ow. He knows everything and it means very little to him. It is a NON-issue for him.

We choose to keep our family together. We choose to allow the OW raise the child that she planned to have by my H without his knowledge or consent. She wanted the child and she better take care of it or the law is going to take care of her. As for my H, all he has to do is pay his cs. That is what the law requires.

There are plenty of men who provide nothing for their children. My H doesn't have to feel guilty about not letting OW call our house and wreck havoc in our lives. He doesn't have to feel guilty about taking away time from our child to spend time with oc.

He doesn't have to feel guilty about the A anymore but he does. He feels guilty about how he has hurt me and my son. But, we have forgiven him. And that is the way WE are living. We are living and making it through forgiveness.

[This message edited by icando at 12:32 AM, June 3rd (Saturday)]

icando, 2kds, BW and others who share silmilar thoughts:

Although it is annoying when others "barge in" and attempt to chastise us for feeling the way we do wrt to the OC/OW we all know that this is a very volatile issue for all involved (personally,and with all due respect to others here, I feel it is *much* more devastating than an A alone....hence the "extreme" view(s) perhaps?).

porcupine (cute name):

Again (personally speaking) I could never offer what others might feel to be a valid and worthwhile contribution to your SI book project, for the reasons mentioned above. I think it's a great idea, but wonder if it's possible? We so often get bashed for feeling the way we do (as evidenced by recent acrimonious posts)that I question if our thoughts/insights/feelings could be taken seriously enough and with appropriate objectivity.

Kudos for you for attempting it though, and I hope there are those here who can rise to the challenge. In all my internet searching this is the only place I ever found that so accurately reflects many of my own emotions and sentiment. There are a couple of people in here who, when I read their posts, I feel like I could have written it myself (BW, 2kds, icando, scorpio1...thank you)

When I see these woman rally to each others defense it validates my own sense of being. Through their reactions and posts I realize that I am

not cruel, heartless, insensitive or crazy for feeling the way I do. We are just trying to cope/survive, in the best way we can and in a way that is right for us.

BW:

Not much to say really wrt our legal situation other than this is really in our past now, and we wish to get on with our future. Because of the tenacity and belligerance of OW's insistance that her OC be able to have a relationship with his supposed father, (my H), and her previous attempts at extortion we consulted an attorney.

By sending a firm legally worded document to them for NC now that CS has ended we are setting in motion the necessary means to go forth with a charge of harassment if they don't stay out of our lives from this point on. We have a right to our privacy and intend to enforce it to the best of our ability. If OW/OC does not respect this right they will risk further legal action against them.

Bee - thanks for sharing a bit about your current legal issue. It really helps as it gives me something to think about for when the time comes and we have to sit down w/ OW lawyer and hammer out an agreement. NC and peace of mind along w/ confidentiality are my non-negotiable items. Like I said ealier...no room in our life for them.

April - WONDERFUL NEWS! I am so very happy for you! Big hug!

icando - you put is so well. I agree w/ everything you said. OW think that they can reel in the H's to play daddy to their kid. In our case she asked H and he said he was not interested in being a father to her child and then she proceeded to TELL him that she's keeping the kid, etc., etc. For the rest of the pregnancy she flung around the words "obligations" (didn't you have one NOT to sleep w/ a married man?), "responsibilities" (didn't you have one not to get pregnant?) and my personal favorite "you're taking food out of your child's mouth" (funny that your (OW's) $400K salary can't afford to feed your own kid, huh?). H never said he wouldn't take legal responsibility. It was his decision to go NC and his decision to keep her and OC out of our lives. I know she'll keep pushing and pushing though. She's a spoiled brat. Anyway...good for you and your H. Be happy.

Have a good weekend!