SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Posts like this are so hard to read. It is like a slow moving train wreck.

ICO - I wish you strength. I have a relative who is in a similar situation as you. No infidelity, just a terribly abusive wife and he is too paralyzed to take action. He is actually blind to the fact that he needs to take action.

No one ever accused me of being an optimist and they won't here either. Your wife is continuing the affair, as sure as the sun rises tomorrow. A little requote from an earlier post:

She is not your friend - I want to add a little more perspective on this one. When posters say this, technically they are right. She is absolutely not acting as a friend. She does not have your best interests at heart right now. But what I'm worried about is that this is such a strong statement that you might recoil from it and say, "wait, no, not her, not my wife." Because the fact is that she likely still does have feelings for you. Possibly deep feelings of some sort. She is very likely conflicted about leaving you and the kids. But make no mistake: she is not acting like a friend. she is acting like your enemy. She may or may not be a monster. But she is acting like one and you need to respond accordingly.

I'll let you all know how it goes tonight. She won't be back until late.

let me guess. Out with girlfriends?????? Including her cheerleader.???

Stay strong tonight and do not back down. She is going to bull shit you and tell you she has to go and will not fuck him. Please do not believe that they have not orchestrated this whole thing.

What do you mean your wife wont be back until late tonight...where did she go?

She's told me repeatedly that she doesn't want him. She said last night in reference to the OM, "that's a mess. I don't want that."

You tell your wife she is the mess and the OM has nothing to do with her own mess.

She is lying and denying at this time, blaming you, the OM and the weather for her own problems.

If your wife cannot understand that this is all hers, and take full responsibility, there can be no R.

It sounds like she has done nothing at all to want to stay married.

You already told her, her job or you, when is she going to quit the job.

When are you going to out this affair.

You NEED to tell the OMs wife. You need to blow up the damn affair and right now.

Your wife still thinks there is a chance for her and the OM, and you are just hanging around.

You have got to blow up this damn affair now.

You cannot make your wife quit her job, You cannot make your wife see reality. But you can take control of the situation and make your wife stop lying to everyone around her.

Blow up the damn affair.

So where is she tonight?

I'll let you all know how it goes tonight. She won't be back until late.

Good luck, ICO. Be strong. Deep breaths, buddy.

Pretty sure she just chose divorce. She's sleeping in the other room right now.

ICO, you have done your best. There should be no regret on your part. It is always the anxiety that gets to us. Everything will be clearer this evening. All the best.

[This message edited by FightOn at 10:00 PM, July 29th (Wednesday)]

She said I am pushing too much. She wasn't going to give up her job for a marriage that might fail. Clearly she wasn't as interested in keeping it going as I. At least I know.

ICO,

like you said. You know. I feel your pain.

She wont change herself for you. She was out a long time ago. She is out.

She doesnt respect you in regards to an ongoing relationship. I am not one of the "hard asses" around here. But from what I can tell, I can only wish you the best and implore you to move past this ugly part of your life. GET RID OF IT!!

Life is not fair. And you understand this now like so many of us have been told. The sorry fact of the matter is this. You can put "want" in one hand and put "shit" in the other. One will fill up before the other.

If she's not 110% in she's out. I don't think I could even try to R with a spouse that is "not sure" or not fully remorseful.

ICO

The marriage will fail and is going to fail because she refuses to end her affair , not because you are pushing so hard .

Her idea of the marriage succceed I this for you to let her continue to talk to and meet up with her boyfriend and to make you a chump , which it appears you finally understand and refuse to let happen

She has done nothing but lie to you since you caught her. Not one truthful thing and now she is just trying to guilt trip you in to more manipulation . You are too smart and too good for this

You can count on the fact that the OM has told her he can gaslight his wife so that they can keep seeing each other . If she thought this affair was over or wanted it to be she would have had no reason to want to go to UK and she would have told you she would try to get out of it instead of dropping the news on you that she was going .

Each time you have thought there was progress you have found out it was a bull shit

Protect yourself now and get rid of this toxic woman. She is not who you married any more and does not love you at all. She just wanted to cake eat and keep her boyfriend

And ICO , I recommend you keep posting here . The people here have been one step ahead of her from the beginning and thank heavens you have listened and absorbed . Think where you would be if you go back to page one and just accepted what she told you

[This message edited by nononsense at 10:43 PM, July 29th (Wednesday)]

nononsense, you are a hard son of a bitch. But you are right.

ICO, as I see it, you have your back pushed up against a wall.

I am 4 years out from my wife doing this to me, and she is very remorseful. We are still together and it has been very hard. But I love my wife so I will keep trying to forgive and forget. Its been very hard.

But I want you to understand that this has been very hard for me. I'm sure others will relate. Its a hard battle to overcome. And that is with a wife full of remorse.

Your wife is not.

So when your wife told you that "she wouldnt quit a job for a marriage that might fail", you need to respond to this.

Text her tomorrow.

"I know its complicated for you right now. I am going to make it less complicated."

And have the courage to finish what you said.

[This message edited by TheDarkestTime at 11:26 PM, July 29th (Wednesday)]

(((Icanovercome)))

You are the one with value. In time you will truly truly understand that. You have much to give, and sometimes rejection is god's protection, because you deserve better then the lump of shit she has been spoonfeeding you... you do deserve more than a woman so full of herself that she believes her entire family can be placed on hold .. while 'she' decides which is the better option. ... no, no, no ... She is no catch I tell you that ... she is mean, cold, detached, and a proven liar, a woman capable to living a complete lie with no conscience or regard for anyone but herself.

She has twisted this ALL AROUND .. can u see that now? it is NOT about her .. it is about you and those beautiful kids. Stand strong, hold your head up and be proud of yourself because you held true to the commitments you made. Now you can make informed decisions about your life.

You are the one with value not her. And soon, very soon ... you will SEE it and FEEL it.

My head keeps saying its for the best but my heart is sad. No, I won't waver. She's made many choices without me. I'm still going to be sad though.

The reason why many of us here can sound angry is that we've chosen anger over sadness.

I am a very happy person in real life now but I guess my psyche protects itself by compartmentalizing this issue in a ball of anger. Is that healthy? I dunno, but I don't feel helpless. And remembering to when I felt helpless makes me *really fucking angry*.

Last night you merely forced her to decide between him or you. This wasn't a marriage that you necessarily wanted to keep anyhow. Remember one of my first posts to you about these past few days being, procedurally, the easy ones? Now it gets tough because it's your own emotions that are going to be the variable.

We will help you every step of the day. All I can promise you is that if you fight the defeatist inside of you that one day you will be happier than you were at any point over the past five years, minus births of course. My tact was when the defeatist came out to drop and do push ups until I couldn't move. I pictured me beating the shit out of me. Every time I did it I got up feeling better, and if I didn't I did some more.

Procedurally you have the lawyer down. You did an AWESOME job making her sleep on the couch. You have nothing left to lose now, I'd let the OMW woman know that you have you wife the choice and what she chose. She may not have been as strong as you (or she was and she kicked him out, thus your wife's decision).

You also need to take council from people in real life, we will be there for you, but human to human contact will be important. Just be aware the fucking family ALWAYS wasn't reconciliation it seems.

My head keeps saying its for the best but my heart is sad. No, I won't waver. She's made many choices without me. I'm still going to be sad though.

Being sad commes unfortunately with this shit sandwich she is serving you. But that will end. What will not end is the pain if you let her string you along

ICO, you know EXACTLY what she is doing. No more guessing. Even after outing to OM wife, your wife is determined to keep her affair going and proved it to you beyond a reasonable doubt by walking right in to work and making sure she can go see him without any regard for YOU .

She has not kept her word on NC in any way shape and on top of that was more concerned about him than you.

Two or three weeks ago while you watched the kids she was out fucking him and she can't wait to do it again.

So be sad my friend but be confident that you will walk away with some dignity and you will be better off in the long run. There are NO EXCUSES for her behavior since you caught her, absolutely none. She does NOT want to R without keeping her options for him open. That you are going to have to accept however painful.

Nothing wrong with tears. We ALL have shed them and anyone, including me, that ttells you differently is a liar. And there is no shame in that.

She is still going to try to manipulate you but if you refuse to remain in an open marriage you cannot waiver because that is what she wants. Remember, if you cave in she will NOT leave you. She will be a happy camper. It is you who will be miserable knoweing that every day when she walks out of the house she will be spending a good part of the day sending messages like the ones she would not let you see.

As bad as you feel, how will that make you feel. She has no intention of stopping. She has proven that.

Another thing ICO, if you want to fact-check yourself just to be honest, she said that she would immediately start looking for a new job at dday.

How hard has she looked for the other opportunities?

I'm asking an honest question because we could be wrong. If she is out there burning the midnight oil to find a new job because she knows how much this one hurts you then I take back all of my advice.

I am pretty confident that I know my answer though :) Your body is going to play some AWFUL "what if" games with you over the next few weeks. Getting these little questions some sunlight will go a long ways towards appeasing the crappy "what if" demon.

Hey man. It sucks. I know all the feelings that you're going through right now. In one hand, you want the wife you thought you had back. The part of you that thinks of himself as a good guy wants the marriage to still work. To come back from the brink. To hold on to the unit.

On the other hand, you want to pain half your face blue and scream "Freeeeeedooooommmm!" That you've put up with her crap for too long. That it's time you did whatever-the-hell you want to do.

But you're scared. You're scared that the divorce will hurt the kids. You know that all of your lives will be forever changed because of it. Your scared that your WW might have some other man over and your daughters end up calling him daddy instead of you.

I've been there. That fear is one giant paralyzing fear demon. When I should have been acting, I was stuck. Stuck analyzing, thinking, worrying.

That's why I recommended the battle-plan. It sets up everything in your mind in a way that keeps you from getting stuck. From getting trapped into inaction.

But I wanted to point out that when you said "she told me she doesn't know who I am right now." That's because she doesn't recognize you as a man with balls. So when you are being a man with balls, she's doesn't know how to act.

So let me help with some of those fears:

You can always withdraw the divorce after it's started if you change your mind.

The reason why all of the folks here keep suggesting you file is because it will wake her the hell up. (hopefully). Even now, oh she recognizes the marriage might fail. She doesn't realize that she's the one who blew it the hell up.

Thanks for the update, albeit not the kind you were hoping for. I understand what you mean when you say that you know it's for the best, but that you're still sad. This is a time when your head will have to take the lead in your life over your heart.

Time, hard work on yourself, reconnecting with people, hobbies, individual counselling,..., will help you go through the sadness and this loss. It will be a roller coaster, plenty of different emotions (sadness, anger, denial, bargaining,..., and ultimately acceptance and indifference).

We are here to help you, listen and to support you on every step of the way! Please, don't stop coming here! If at times you'll want us to dial down on the hard love, tell us and we'll do so.

Bro-hugs, man! It WILL get better and you'll be happy again, much happier than you've been in a long time.

Best wishes

She came to me this morning and asked what we were doing. She told me that she's terrified about losing everything and then having to try and support kids on a shitty income. I have to admit, I believe her. I believe her reasoning. It's not the answer that I wanted but she made me believe that it wasn't because of the OM. That she was very scared of losing everything and her job on top of it.

Honestly, she put to bed a lot of my fears this morning. She said that she's willing to do whatever it takes to be as open and transparent as necessary.

She's deceived me for a year, but I believe her more now than I have for many months.

I feel like she's telling the truth. She said that when I start scaring her, she recoils a bit and acts ambivalent. (Not physically. I've never even gotten close to hitting her)

I told her that she has to make me believe that she is trying to make this work, to be open and transparent. She accepted that.

She's been reading the books. I brought that up to her that she knows that some of the ups and downs are natural for this process. She accepted that too.

What do you do when you believe your WS? I feel absolutely convinced that she is telling me the truth. I feel like she is saying the right things. Now she needs to follow through and do what she says. Right?

There is no doubt that I am confused. I feel better about where she is at now than I have so far. I feel better about my chances. Our chances. My chances are fine. I'm a survivor, I've figured that out already.

She understands trust but verify.

Am I falling for it again? I was resigned to divorce last night. I thought we crossed that threshold. Now, I feel there is a chance. Am I deceiving myself?