SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

you know, maybe the name of this thread should change to better reflect what all of us are needing.

maybe, "WS dealing with OC issues" support thread.

maybe that would clear up some of the "obvious" confusion some people may be havng here posting on this thread.

truly, i will not have someone tell me that my H is of poor character because he has made a certain choice regarding OC.

i support this choice, so does this make me of bad character as well?

i come to this site to read where everyone is at in their lives and what info and actions they are taking so as to glean some ideas, support etc...

this is the last place i expect that i have to defend myself or my family's choices.

I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE OW! i care about the OC only because it is a child not because it is my H's. does that make sense? i agree with others, she made her choice to get pregnant (not alone but we all know at the age of 40 how NOT to get pregnant for god's sake)and to keep the OC.

yes, my husband was stupid and every other kind of word but i am not sorry for one second about the choices we have made.

man, i'm ticked off. maybe it's a bad day for me.

this is an excellent link to a reputable general adoption website/magazine called AdoptiveFamilies.com

this link takes you to information about Open Adoptions which I do think offers food for thought about how one might integrate OC (and even OW) into one's extended family, IF one wanted to ponder the possibilities

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/openadoption.php

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 11:06 PM, June 8th (Thursday)]

To repeat, today's adoption community offers interesting models for structuring relationships among people with a shared interest in a child.

I brought this up because several people compared NC with OW/OC to severing parental ties, as in adoption (old style adoption).

as cat33 said, the title of this thread -- Other Child Support Thread -- is sort of misleading. It's more like BS Dealing with OC Support Thread. I don't see a focus on *emotional* support for OC. Financial, of course yes.

Perhaps the WS needs to be the one posting here. What do these reluctant, accidental Dads have to say? What do they want?

Wayward spouses can post in their own forum. I'm fine with Other Child Support Thread.

'Emotional' support for OC should be the primary focus of that child's mother (OW). After all, the whore is the one who bore the OC. Why should BS be concerned about the emotional support of OC?

BS should be concerned about their own emotional support and the emotional support of their own children.

Said in a different way. BS shoud mind what is her business; herself, her husband and her children.

OW should mind her business; any children she brought into the world and not someone else's husband.

woooooooooooooooow!!!!!!!!!.

my last post was not that long ago but ya'll have been busy.after reading everyone's post i would like to say big hugs to everyone and take a deep breath.i think i'm the only one that posted about h's decision to make ow have an abortion.i myself have very strong opinions about abortion but in his eyes he has no attachment to the kid.let's get off our moral high horse here for a minute though and consider how anyone reacts when they find themselves in a situation that they had no idea would have gotten out of control.my h and i have discussed this matter so many times.i'm glad that she didn't have an abortion but it isn't b/c she's moral it's b/c she thought there's no way he would leave her after that. she literally told him she wouldn't come after him for cs until the child was about 8 months to give him ample time to get his stuff together.i know my h's responsiblity in all this but when we decided to r we had certain stipulations and nc was one of them.that is what we have to refer to.what was agreed upon.the ow has been threatening cs for the past four months now but seems to be at aloss by thge paperwork or could it be the looming paternity test. she has yet to bypass that little hurdle and i pray everyday it's someone else's kid.i want to thank all of you for your posts i never thought in all my years i would have to go through this but you guys have made me see i'm not alone and that is woth it's weight in gold.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 11:03 PM, June 8th (Thursday)]

2kids - i for one would miss reading your input on this thread. i alwyas look forward to it.

i hope you reconsider stepping away.

my only point about the name of the thread was that if it was a little clearer maybe we would avoid some of the judgemental statements that have been thrown about of late.

i, for one, really don't need this right now. life is hard enough in this situation.

i'm sick of the OW, blah, blah, blah

i'm sick of the OC blah, blah, blah

i know i'll probably get some backlash for daring to say i'm sick of the OC but so what, i am!

i'm sick of thinking about it, living it, having it in my head, having it hang there between my H and i, creeping into my thoughts when i least expect it.

there, another rant for the day.

The title of this thread isn't going to be changed.

If you all can't share your OPINIONS without resorting to attacks, you will be removed from this site.

DS

I can say that I attack OW. I don't attack anyone else though.

I respond to attacks on judgements made about BS staying with WS who have a OC. I think we can look back on the last 5-7 pages and see how this got started.

IT was started when someone came in a posted about WS having low moral character because they had NC with OC. I quite frankly don't care that she posted that message but we have the right to respond to that attack. It was a clear attack on BS who stayed with the WS and made the decision to have NC.

I haven't read any postings where BS are criticizing other BS who is having contact with OC. I think it is great that these BS can have a relationship that fits into the boundaries of their marriage. I am all for it because that is their decision.

But I don't want to be criticized because I am with my WS who has NC with OC. Anytime we BS share information on how to keep OW/OC from taking away what we have worked for, someone always jumps in and judges how we should be thinking about the OC.

Twokidsmommy,

I hope that you do not stop posting.

incando...

We're aware of how this got started, resorting to attacking members will get you (general term) removed from this site.

DS

Well I think this post has got blown way out of proportion. This is a very touchy subject with alot of different feelings attached to it. But IMHO and this is just me so i hope noone takes offense to it. But it seems like with some of you because another person feels differently than you that you are putting yourself up on a pedastool because they dont have the same belief ofr harbor the same resentment towards the OC. And it shouldnt be that way no BS is better than the other we have all been through the same heartache and pain. I do agree with a few of the post talking about the father taking responcibilitie for the life he helped bring in this world. Some your talk about how the H was tricked to having the baby. Noone is ever tricked he knew what he was doing when he pulled his pants down and opened her legs and doing it unprotected. There is some naive people but come on.

And also my H takes full responsibilty of rhis wrong doings and takes full responsibility fo rthe OC and i think thats a good thing that baby needs a positive role model in his life and that crackhead whore who calls herself a mother is not gonna cut it. And my children know they have a brother and honestly it hasnt done any damge to them emotionally. Well i know i have went on and on when all i really wanted to say that the people who chose to have NC with OC and i respect that that is your choice but you are making it sound like you are better than the people who chose to be involved in the OC life. Sorry if i ofended anyone.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 11:05 PM, June 8th (Thursday)]

Im not saying anyone said it but its the way other things are said that makes me feel that way.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 11:04 PM, June 8th (Thursday)]

One of the reasons why I mentioned adoption is because a lot of work has been done there, over the past 30 years, to reconcile an issue that has similarities (not the same, just has some similarities) to managing a situation with an OC.

My thinking was:

why not see if there are any hard-won lessons to be learned from adoption. I do not imply (nor should you infer) that if you DON'T choose to do this I look down on you. I don't have opinions about people here. I do have MY general opinions as a teacher and child advocate.

Believe me when I say this:

I don't pay that close attention to each post, and I'm too old to remember everyone's personal stories!!! If you think I'm insulting YOU personally, you are WRONG! I can barely remember my PIN number!!

Some things we have learned from adoption:

1. From a mental health standpoint, the child greatly benefits from knowing his or her biological family, including any full or half-siblings and grandparents.

2. Withholding information is damaging to the child and everyone associated with the child, in large and small ways that play out over everyone's lifetime. It FEELS hard at first to be open but later on it's much, much easier. (You should see the strained expressions on my H & my faces in the photos from when we meet his birthmother -- but doing this has made all the difference for my son's attitude about being adopted, and so I'm OK with doing it).

3. Children understand and can make sense of multiple parents living different lives in different households, especially if these arrangements are what the child has always known. To them, it's normal.

4. Children are reassured by knowing their biological parents EVEN IF THE PARENT DIDN'T CHOOSE TO LIVE WITH THE CHILD. They are much less angry, confused, sad and worried about the "whys" of their situation (Why didn't she keep me? Was I so bad that she gave me away? Didn't she love me?) when it is always out in the open.

5. It is possible to have an open adoption relationship that works satisfactorily even if the birthmother and the adoptive family aren't close. Everyone pulls together for the sake of the child. And the arrangements can always be revisited as time passes.

In conclusion, I would also like to mention that I know a family where the father had an OC. This child was eventually taken in by her dad (FWH) and his wife. Sure it's unusual but it worked out OK. Their only regret is that they didn't get her sooner before the OW had a chance to mess her up some.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 11:05 PM, June 8th (Thursday)]

that does suck. maybe thinking about it as an adoption rather than OC's child might help.

sometimes reframing the way you look at something makes it different. but it takes time.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 11:04 PM, June 8th (Thursday)]

I don't attack members. Aladypilot is a member and she attacked us on this site which I responded to.If someone feels that I attacked someone then let me know when and where.

Again, I have no problem with any BS who have OC in their lives because they chose it and it is their decision. Obviously they have found a way to fit into their marriage without the the contact of OW/OC being distressful and a threat to their peace.

Every situation is unique and does not fit into a mode. Just because something is good for one it may not be good for another.

It is true both a man and woman are responsible for the birth of a child. However, in the case of a WS having an A, which results in a OC, it doesn't mean that the WS was planning on having an OC.

If a OW purposely plans to get pregnant by a WS, it does count for something (even more wrong). A OW who knowingly is with a MM, who she knows has a wife, has no right to be with that MM, let alone let herself get pregnant.

If a OW was really thinking about what is best for a child, she wouldn't want to be pregnant by a MM. She would want a man of her own, that she didn't have to SHARE with his wife. She would want someone she could build a life with to provide stability for that child.

That is what any good mother would want for her child. She wouldn't want a man who is divided.

I don't think I have read any post where a BS has resentment for OC. But even if someone did, it is their real feelings and they have to come to terms with it. It is a process.

[This message edited by icando at 12:29 AM, June 7th (Wednesday)]