SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I blame my H more than anything. I asked him why he didn't take precautions if he didn't want to have another kid - and I was pregnant already. He told me that being with her meant that he couldn't use birth control. What a stupid and idiotic answer. He knew that she wanted to have a kid by any means possible and he wasn't thinking with the head he should have been thinking with.

But I also blame the OW for her part in things. On the day that I gave birth, I had the opportunity to speak with the OW. She told me how my H and her were married - which was news to me because that makes him a bigamist then. She also told me how she gave my H herpes and that she counseled him to use protection. When I told my H everything that she said, he was pissed at her lies. I had a blood test done while I was in the hospital and it's negative.

I couldn't believe that a person would lie like that just to get what she wanted. She made herself sound so dirty! Her intention was for me to throw him out so that he would go running back to her. But he's at fault also for telling her things he shouldn't have told her. I called MIL and told her everything that was going on. Boy did she rip a new asshole for him.

The OW is planning on moving back down to this area and, of course, is looking to start things up again. My H is aware that the kids want nothing to do with him if he starts the bs up again. The door is always open for H to walk through if he wants to be with her, but he says that he doesn't. But that doesn't stop her from trying. She even wrote him an e-mail asking if I threw him out yet and if he needs a place to stay.

As I tell my H, she is desperate because she will have three kids by three different men. Who the hell in the right mind would want to take that on? And some other man coming along will not be as stupid as my H. He was even told by her BIL to watch that OW doesn't trap H.

I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know that OW will not stop trying to get what she wants. She will always try to manipulate the situation. I feel bad for her because he did lead her on also. But she should have thought long and hard about her decision to have the OC. He knew that she was pregnant and still left her. Having a kid in hopes of keeping a man is not the way to go.

I too have made the choice not to stay in this situation. I won't accept the OC in my life and I also won't accept him visiting the OC because of the OW. I feel that he has no boundaries and could easliy fall back into the same old trap. But by the same token, I think that she represented and ideal for him and he's finally seeing her for what she really is. Some people have an innate gift for projecting images of themselves that belies who they really are.

Wow...lots of action on this thread lately. I've been on vacation and then swamped at work, but I'd like to respond to all of you. Sorry that it's general and not specific to what each of you took the time to write.

The OW/OC situation for those of us involved in it, is probably as volatile as it gets. We're dealing with immense feelings of betrayal and have legal and financial issues w/ a virtual stranger heaped on top to compound the situation even further. In my case I also struggle w/ the fact that I've been on "baby hold" for 4 years and have gone through one abortion and one miscarriage in that time while the OW (probably) has given birth to my H's first son, a right that was reserved for me.

I'm angry. I'm angry at both of them but I do admit I focus the brunt of my anger on her. You see I have to. My H and I are reconciling and I although he is aware that he behaved wrongly, I have to forgive him if I want to give reconcilation a fair chance at success. I forgive the OW nothing.

So many posters on this thread have said "how can you be so angry toward an innocent baby"? I understand where the question comes from and before I found myself in this situation I would have probably asked it myself. However, from my perspective the OC is a constant reminder of 1) what my H did, 2) how he disregarded his marriage vows, 3) the OW's lack of morality, 4) the firstborn son of my H's that "I" will never have, 5) the child I should have had 4 years ago, and 6) the legal and financial drain we are facing. Add to that that the OW doesn't miss an opportunity to rub it in our faces (sonogram pictures in a Xmas card is one example) and will not hesitate to use their child as a pawn ("you're taking food from your own child's mouth. Don't you want the best medical care for your unborn son." and on and on and on).

It's just too much for my heart and head to handle sometimes.

I come here b/c so many people on this thread are in the same boat. They truly understand my feelings. They've been there, thought that, taken those legal and financial steps and helped me more than I can put in words. Where else could I have gotten the idea to file a tax extension so OW doesn't know exactly what H currently makes? (Thanks again for that tidbit...you know who you are!)

I truly value all the opinions on this thread, even those in non-OW/OC situations. I believe that those of us in this situation only ask for you to have a bit of compassion for us. We are the wronged party, just like the SA spouses, or the spouses of alchoholics or any of the other support threads in Inspirations. All we ask is that you put yourselves in our shoes for a short time and try to understand how we can have the feelings we feel.

Somedays it is truly hell on earth.

I wish you all the best with whatever situation you find yourselves in and send you strength and a hug.

BW

[This message edited by BetrayedWife at 12:42 PM, June 10th (Saturday)]

Thatslife,

You wondered how people in this situation are reconciling. I might be able to help.

My husband was obviously in a bad place mentally when he had his affair. Things were pretty crappy at work and stress was quite high at home. As weird as it sounds I can sort of get into his head and understand where he was at. I know that immediately after the affair started he knew that he had made the wrong decision but felt like he couldn't turn back. I had always said "If you ever F*CK around on me I'll dump your ass so fast your head will spin!!" How naive I was.

My husbands affair lasted less than 2 months. During which time they saw each other maybe 8 times. She took him home the first night he met her. She spoke of being on the pill and also provided condoms the first couple times they had sex. He provided condoms the rest of the time.

I believe him. Only because before we even knew about the oc I asked him in front of a marraige counselor if they had ever had oral sex. He looked disgusted and said absolutely not because he was afraid he'd catch something. If he was so paranoid about catching something I can't imagine that he wouldn't use a condom for sex. My husband has always been a transparent liar. He looks like a deer in headlights if he's lying about something. He also was quite convinced that the oc wasn't his and insisted that he'd always used condoms. He walked around in a fog repeating just that. I have no reason to doubt what he says since he never lied to me from the beginning even about the affair itself.

After we started reconciliation my husband did a turnaround with his life and attitude that I am still amazed by. He quit drinking, he quit associating with people that could bring him down. He went to SA meetings to deal with issues regarding porn. He committed himself to family and to God. He got honest with himself, he did anything I asked of him and answered any questions I had. He truly is a new person.

I loved this man before the affair and I loved him after it. I spent time, energy and a half million tears trying desperately to put things back together again with him doing just as much work and then BAM!!!!! paternity papers are served and my world starts to spin out of control.

As things progressed on and dna confirmed my worst fears I was sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. His affair was well known by all including the kids and he had spent as much time trying to repair his relationship with our hurt, distrusting children as he did with me. We had worked so damn hard at making it work and now this. In the end I knew that no matter if we divorced or stayed together I would always have this oc in my life. It will always be connected to my children regardless of my decisions. I decided that the best thing for me to do was stay. He loves me and I really do love him. I also think that I am in a better position to protect my children from whatever fallout may occur.

Am I over it? Hell no. I think about it all the time. It still hurts like hell. I still obsess over it. I still worry about the future. I still wake up in the middle of the night and can't stop the thoughts that make me want to scream. I still struggle with the whole forgiveness issue. Sometimes I'm so angry at this man that was supposed to honor me I could drive a stake through his heart. I also fight with accepting that I can't change what has happened and that there is nothing I could do to hurt him as much as he/this has hurt me and do I really want to do that anyways?

I know the guilt that he carries. I see it in his face. He tells me he can see the hurt in my eyes and he feels powerless. He says he never realized that he had the capacity to cause someone so much pain and it eats at him.

Every day is a work in progress. We take it as it comes and he reassures me constantly so we trudge through the muck and the mire hand in hand praying that things will smooth out someday.

As for the oc, it's the white elephant in the room with us. My husband feels no guilt for having NC. Maybe if he knew from the beginning it would be different. But for someone to walk up down the road and say hey this kid is yours, integrate it into your family, get your children and your wife to accept it and forget the pain associated with the way it got here is unrealistic. At least in my very real world it is.

I hope that in some small way I have been able to give you some understanding into what life is like for a couple trying to reconcile after the discovery of an oc.

Me

[This message edited by Me&my3 at 9:13 AM, June 12th (Monday)]

me--

I will step out of the corner for just a brief moment. BTW--I think I am wearing your shoes.

I could have written your post, as our situations are eerily similar. My H too feels so guilty for his mistakes and has done a 180 with his life to try to make amends.

I agree with all you write, sympathize with you and for all of us here.

2kdsmom

Ok we found out that the papers were filed and my H was assigned a judge and we are waiting on a hearing date to get his son. We had to send off for a copy of the paternity results and today was the first day i have ever saw it.. I dont know what to feel or think. theres his name and her name as the parents of the child together on paper thier family...... Im happy we are going to court but im hurt to see what i saw eventhough i knew what it was gonna see but actually seeing it really put a deeper hole in my heart from the arrow he shot through there. I guess i am just having a bad day. Like i said i dontknow how to feel and think right now all i know is that im still standing 100% behind my H.

Stressedwife, I know what you mean about seeing it in writing. FOW sent out birth announcements to her family and there it was, his name and hers, together as parents of the OC. It really does pierce the heart. We tossed it immediately, just kept the name and birth weight around since he's having contact with the child.

Good luck with the court hearing.

thank you

for better or worse?????

how many of us thought about that statement before we got married.i did. because we were both in the military i thought it meant sticking it out with him if he got back from war with a parts missing or his face half gone.i mean i really got to the nitty gritty of what i thought that meant.i did think of infidelity too but somehow i never got around to an oc.stupid me!!! i'm still here and i still haven't figured out if it's the right thing.

me$my3: i could have wrote your piece cause that's my husband. he's totally making it up but i guess i'm in limboland.that missing leg is looking real good right now.

Howdy,

We just got back from our vacation and I was catching up on this thread. Sounds like not everyone was playing nice in the recent past.

It did get me thinking though, so I'll toss my two cents in.

When I think about the OW/OCs discussed on this thread it is easy for some to perceive it as bashing. I happen to believe, like some others do, that the title of this thread is a bit misleading. However, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to quickly ascertain what this thread is really about after reading just a few posts, so I don't consider the thread to be ambiguous or confusing.

As for the OC "bashing" that some feel exists, here is my thought on that:

I don't think anyone really "hates" the OC. Any rational person knows that it is not the OC's fault. They are innocent victims of their parent's indescretions also. However, I do hate the fact that the OC *exists*, which is different than saying I hate the OC. To some this may seem a subtle difference, but it very much goes to the heart of the matter. What BS wouldn't/doesn't wish for this permanent reminder NOT to exist (and hate the fact that it does)? And that's not even considering the financial impact...just the emotional. It is a very painful position to be in for both BS and OC. (To heck with the OW---she made the choice to conceive and bring to term despite the sperm donor's consent or lack thereof).

I'm not sure if I read this or thought it, but I believe this thread should be like some of the ones in Wayward....unless you are a person dealing with an OW/OC situation you should not be allowed to post on this thread. It seems to me, that most of the acrimony that crops up on here is when we get very opinionated statements from people who are not dealing with OW/OC, and if they are, then I think we are all capable of respecting each other's position/opinion on the subject because at least we know our/their choices stem from personal experience, emotions and beliefs. I can respect others opinions and comments as long as I know they are coming from personal experience rather than some sanctimonious position of morality.

Sorry for the run on sentences and somewhat jumbled presentation...I've got a lot of stuff to catch up on from being away and just wanted to add my two cents worth.

I have been drawn to this thread for a lot of personal reasons that have nothing to do with my current situation.It has everything to do with who I am now. You see I am the OC. 43 years old.

I have read so much pain so much anger that it breaks my heart. I am so sorry for all the suffering I see on this thread.

I have gained so much from the people on this site that I want to give something back. I need to give back.

If my story can help any of you that are here struggling let me know and I will post it. I'll tell you about growing up as the other child about how I dealt with it and anything y'all want to know.

I am so sorry for your pain and if my story can help in anyway please let me know.

sad_in_mn - I would like to hear your story. Please post. It may help many of us make some difficult choices.

sad-in-mn

Yes, there is definitely a lot of pain here. In another thread there was a person who posted as the OC also. I found her post remarkable in its candor and told her so. Personally, I find I spend quite a lot of time wondering how the OC in my H's life handled his situation: being raised in a lesbian (bi-sexual?)household and with no apparent male figure involved. She quietly hounded my H for 18 years to initiate contact with OC (he did not).

However, I still put the blame squarely on the OW's shoulders though, as my H told her from day one that he did not want a child (from a ONS)with her, suggested she abort (which she did with subsequent pregnancies by other men), and that he would take no part in the child's life. She chose to go full term saying she would raise it alone. That didn't last long. I think these woman are incredibly stupid, self-centered, selfish and/or naive. The child suffers either way.

As for your story I appreciate your offer. Let's see what others have to say though. As you know, there's a lot of pain in here.

Take care

I also am interested to hear the OC's point of view and story. Please share.

I would also love to hear an OC's point of view--please share your story with us.

Wow I have been gone a long time and its interesting to see what has been going on.

I can really relate to the story me&my3 and the others wrote. I think we all have extremely similar situations.

"But for someone to walk up down the road and say hey this kid is yours, integrate it into your family, get your children and your wife to accept it and forget the pain associated with the way it got here is unrealistic. At least in my very real world it is." - DITTO is the best I can say about that.

There are so many aspects of this its crazy.

I have my own OC (friend)perspective and am recently in contact with a friend of mine who has a close relative that is an ow with oc.

I know the perspective of a friend of mine that was an OC. I know she suffered from the situation of a mother that never really wanted her only had her to hold on to the MM , not that she had him but it kept him in her life for a long time till of course his wife found out then it was over and my friend definately felt the backlash from that. Her mother was insane with her she told her exactly that she never wanted a child the woman had her in her 40ies. The woman would take her to the hosp and the make up problems to gain attention from the biofather(mm). Many insane attempts too many to mention. My friend finally ran away as a teenager got pregnant so she would be forced the get married so she would not be controled and used by her former ow mother. The latest thing was when the man died the exow mother of hers tried to sue his estate for back child support. My friend was well into her 20ies. Her mother was upset because the well off MM left her only 100 in his will. Big fiasco.

OW called WH cell at 3 am and left message she was going to hospital. They admitted her around 5 and she is going to have OC sometime today.

I feel pretty numb right now. She wasn't actually due for a couple more weeks so it was a shock in a way. I guess I'll just be glad to get it over with and see where this goes from here.

I'll give more details later when I'm not at work. But I could use all the good thoughts, hugs and prayers I can get.

And maybe some of you could be mean with me and hope she dies in labor or something!!!!

I know..........that's terrible!!!!!!!

tornapt:

It's not mean; it's very understandable for you to say something like that.

Though it goes against the religious beliefs that many of us have been brought up with, I'm sure very few of us in this thread have not had similar thoughts.

It's about trying to escape the pain. I'll be thinking of you during what I know is a difficult and heart wrenching moment for you.

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 5:54 PM, June 21st (Wednesday)]

tornaprt,

My heart aches for you. I can only imagine what it's like b/c in our case, I believe OW was due mid May and we have not heard anything. We are still in limbo. twokidsmomny told me that the birth is a non-event and I am trying very hard to look at it like that. It's the fresh start. She can't control you or your H anymore. Your H, should DNA prove he's the father, has rights and is entitled to exercise them if he so wants.

I know you're hurting and it's bringing all your anger, frustration and emotion to the surface, but remember that you can take control. You have it. Use it when the time is right and regain your life. I'm trying to do the same...I'll do it with you.

Big hug,

BW

we're pretty sure it's his baby. BUT with this type of person, you can never be positive (or at least I can't)! He has said that he will have a paternity test done later. He asked if he needed it done today but I said no. I didn't want him to be any more involved today than necessary or draw any attention to his involvement.

She called him b/c he wanted her to. He has said all along that he would go to the hospital when she had it. He plans on being involved w/the baby. He won't abandon it especially since he feels he was more or less abandoned by his own Dad.

This is her first child and No she is not married. She just makes a habit of sleeping with MM. My WH was the 2nd that I know of, but I've heard about several others that she pursued.

WH is blind to her faults and still in the fog. Thinks he has strong feelings for her. Doesn't believe or won't admit that she trapped him. She told him she couldn't get pregnant b/c of some ovary problem. YEAH RIGHT!!!!

She gave birth about 3:30 this afternoon. It was a baby girl. That is the hardest part for me. I have always desperately wanted a daughter and we had both boys. While I wouldn't trade my boys for anything in the world.....it makes me angry that she got the girl. You know what I mean?

Plus I fear that will make WH attach more closely to the OC. You know the whole "daddy's little girl" thing.

I don't know any details about the delivery yet or stats on the baby. I know she did have an epidural, so I'm sure it wasn't as painful as I'd hoped. And she apparently didn't die!

WH did go to the hospital this morning for a little bit. "to make an appearance" as he said, but he had to go to work. So it was born while he was at work. He sounded sad and disappointed about that. It hurt to hear that reaction from him. While I understand it, it still hurts.

I called IC today and my plan for right now is to just try and lay low. Don't apply any pressure or make demands. Try to be as supportive and understanding as possible until this sinks in. Wait and see what he's going to do and how he's going to act.

If it appears that he is going to try and be a part of this babies life and not allow my involvement (which is absolutely what OW wants and has emphatically expressed this to WH) then I will set him down and try to remain calm and tell him the following:

I love you, I want to and will support you in this. I will accept this child and love it and make it a part of our family. But only if you will make sure that OW understands there is no future for you and her and that any visitation will be done w/me and that it will be my child also. If he can't/won't do that.....as sad as it will be and as hard as it will be.....I'll send him to her.

I can't live forever with this OC out there and him being Daddy and going to her place to visit and stuff. It's either part of our family or he's not anymore!

I pray that does not happen. I pray that someday we will come out stronger for having gone through this hell. But at the same time, I am so hurt, so tired and so numb now that I don't know if I can care anymore. I don't know that I will ever trust him again or love him like I did.

It is so sad that his stupid mistake how to change so many lives forever. He should feel so awful for doing this to me and his kids. I don't think he feels near awful enough!

Tornaprt, I'm sending you lots of HUGS and support--been there exactly 5 months ago. What you wrote that you will say to your H sounds great--good luck with it. The birth is one of the hardest things to know about, and I'm glad for you that your H wasn't there for the actual event. It's such an emotional time as we mothers know, it's better that H wasn't there, IMHO.

My H has visited OC a few times, some in the hospital, once in day care, and once with OW's mother present. Never with just OC and OW--and next Monday, I'm supposed to meet the OC, with OW there (she doesn't trust me, can you believe it?). I hope your OW is more reasonable--I'm not looking forward to being in the same room with her, but I'm trying to look at it the same way you are--a child who is part of my family. If OW can't accept that, then too bad. Don't know what will happen, but we're both on this same journey. Let us know what happens--(((((tornapart)))).