SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I remember both the good and the bad remarks. I remember early in our m, I had gained a little weight but had been too thin previously. He told me he didn’t like fat. I still remember that to this day and how it made me feel

I also remember after I had lost a lot of weight later in our m and how he would tell me how great I was looking as I lost it. It made me feel so good that any thought of cheating would stop.

My wh doesn’t remember the nasty things he has said to me. Most of the things he has said negatively affected our sex life. They made me feel like I didn’t live up to his standards and they made me feel nervous about having sex with him. It became a viscous cycle and yet he doesn’t remember saying anything negative and then says I am the best sex he has ever had. Naturally I don’t believe that

When he tells me I am gorgeous? I say thanks but I don’t believe him. A random guy flirted with me yesterday and I see he loves it when that happens. Why would he think that’s great? I know I’m the last, he has said it makes him proud because I am with him and someone wants what he has. Why does he get to feel so secure that I won’t take this guy up on his offer? Why does that get to make him feel proud when he was throwing me away for a decade? Why am I the one who has to feel anxious when another woman shows too much interest in my wh or if he looks another woman up and down-which he claims he doesn’t do but I can still see he does-but tries not to.

Deephurt:

Why does he get to feel so secure that I won’t take this guy up on his offer? Why does that get to make him feel proud when he was throwing me away for a decade? Why am I the one who has to feel anxious when another woman shows too much interest in my wh or if he looks another woman up and down-which he claims he doesn’t do but I can still see he does-but tries not to.

Every single day.

Hugs.

Deephurt,

Look in the mirror and believe you are gorgeous on the inside and the outside. It makes me so mad that the selfish acts of our WS not only cause us unfathomable pain, risk our health, but also devastate our confidence and self esteem. I hear your pain and I am sorry. I get it. I was never a jealous type, never had the thought to worry about my WH, I extended my belief system of never being a cheater to everyone else...clearly I was very wrong to do so. Now if he so much as glances at someone I know he would find attractive, I am instantly angry and my heart sinks. It is really so much for us to bear and it changes us to the core. I hate it.

I am working hard to reclaim my sense of self and not be victim. I don't want to give that sort of power to the hideousness that is infidelity.

(((deep hurt))) I hope you can believe in your beauty again. You are worth it.

I can tell you my H's LTA rocked my confidence and self esteem like nothing has done ever before.

I can remember coming home from work one afternoon it was summer time, I was wearing a dress that I know is a nice one because lots of people paid me compliments on it. I went upstairs to say hello to our youngest daughter who was 5 years old at the time, she later went downstairs to play i stayed in her room and watched her television even though he was home. I remember quite clearly looking at myself critically in the large built in mirrors and thinking I am so ugly. It didnt matter how much of an effort I went to, wearing the prettiest of dresses, spending time doing my hair, I still felt ugly. He has never gone out of his way to say you look nice today.

As you could imagine I was never going to live upto OWs standards in my mind. I read some of the emails he sent her. Calling her beautiful and sexy. That hurts me like you would not believe. I have never told him that it hurts me that he has never complimented me or said that to me. If he ever said it now its too late. It would just seem so unnatural and I would not believe him anyway.

It affected me so badly that i was not capable of making a clear decision I started questioning everything I did. Unfortunately I still have issues with my confidence.

Thanks.

I’ve known men found me attractive, pretty much through my life. Often more attention than I felt comfortable with.

I haven’t cared what other men thought about me, except my husband since we have been together.

Now, it’s still the same except I just don’t believe him anymore. He could take a poly regarding being attracted to me etc but I still wouldn’t believe him.

I’ve been is a horrible place for about five weeks now.

The darn roller coaster is so real. Good days where I can distract myself for much of the day and then wham, hit with a 2x4 and can barely breath and just want to sob at what my life story now includes. During these times, I try very hard to reframe, focus on what I know to be true, to not allow the spiral...it is a constant battle.

I read the reconciliation stories and hope I can one day find peace, but many days, I am not so sure, as the sight of him is just a reminder of the pain caused. The trouble is, I love my family, my life, my community, my friends. It all changes and I feel as though I will lose more if I don't stay. I am tired of losing and paying for someone else's choices.

I am sorry you have been in such a dark place lately deephurt.

Amanda, that's a tough place to be. I hope in time you can believe his words when he says nice things. I imagine him using the words "beautiful and sexy" may trigger you since he used them with her. Though I know it's semantics, would alternate words would be ok?

For me, my WH was not emotionally connected to his APs, so I don't have to reconcile that attachment, no fog, no time or money spent with them beyond hooking up for sexual gratification. I had to reconcile their sexual acts, positions etc. and reclaim them...or never have sex again I suppose. That seems less than ideal!

I will never understand their pathetic, selfish decisions.

deephurt, I dont know what to say to you that will make you feel better, except for what people have told me here in the forums. Look at where your H is today and how he treats you today and what he does for you today, to make you feel better and help you heal.

I do try and look at the positives in our relationship. He is almost everything I could ask for. He cuddles me in bed everynight, he does housework for us when I am at work and he is at home, he does all the domestic chores, he drives the girls around to where they need to go when he is at home. His doesnt drink, smoke or gamble, he pays all the bills, he goes grocery shopping with me. In otherwords he is great around the house and a great dad. The negatives he doesnt talk about his feelings. Doesnt tell me he loves me often enough. Wont talk about the LTA unless I grill him for information. He is a cheater.

I know he loved OW even though he says he didnt. He says that now but I have a couple of his emails telling her he loved her and wanted her to be his wife . This is my struggle and of course some of the horrible things he said, make it difficult for me to move ahead.

Hopeandhealing I dont know if he used other words, whether that would make any difference, as he just doesnt say them. Im happy to hear you reclaimed some of the bedroom antics . The mind movies for me where particularly hard I couldnt lay or sleep next to him for a long long time. I slept on the couch for a few hours then scrubbed my kitchen from top to bottom, on my very restless nights.

Thanks Amanda. I still will often cry after sex and have to try very hard to push the mind movies out of my head, but it is getting better with time. I will say it is now more about the act of sex and me being satisfied as a priority, I didn't used to be like that. My biggest issue is the HPV, that is what I am so angry and hurt by.

I tell myself (and more importantly I believe) I am better than his whores in every way possible and that helps me. I don't know what they looked like and though initially I google searched for any possible information about them (none of them on any SM), I no longer need to know. I truly don't care. They are meaningless, lying, immoral people who are capable of causing immeasurable pain to someone they don't even know. I would never do that. Doesn't matter how beautiful they might be on the outside, their ugly insides are all I need to know. Don't get me wrong, I do still fantasize about calling them up and telling them what worthless POS they are, that they were essentially live blow up dolls for my WH, unpaid prostitutes and I hope they raise their daughters to be better people than them...ok, maybe still some anger within me!

Wishing everyone a good weekend with some peace from this nightmare we all live.

Mind movies. They used to happen often. I can assure you they get fewer and fewer. For me it took a lot of time. The kind movies were rampant and all day, every day. Now they are few.

The past 5 weeks came to a head last night. With too much alcohol, a bad day and five weeks of emotional hell, I vented and vented and vented to wh. Not sure how we are this morning tbh

I remember him saying we should just sign the papers. I remember him saying he was so wrong. I remember going off on him when he said he made a mistake. I just kept venting and venting for hours. We didn’t have dinner.

He didn’t come to bed until I got up in the middle of the night and had to go ask him to come to bed. I don’t know how it has affected wh. For all I know my m is over. It’s not what I want.

Around five weeks ago, I felt like I was doing great. Like I was “getting over it”. I almost felt like I could joke about the a-at least in my head. Then bam. It all changed. Nothing happened to make it change. It felt like my inner mind was saying” wait just a minute, you can not get better from this”.

I do see how he has changed. He treats me really well now. I love our life together and I want a future with him. My mind splits it to before and after dday now. Before dday is haunting me right now. Maybe it would have been easier if he had stopped it all in his own. He claims mental illness during that period of time.

I told him I loved him when he came to bed and he said he loves me too.

I know it’s simething I have to unravel in my head and learn to move ahead. I don’t know why I am stifling my progress.

He claims mental illness during that period of time

.

That is the weakest excuse I have ever heard. You are being gulliable if you believe that. He had the affair for the reasons I said in my previous post— it made him feel alive and external validation. Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with him is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's not your fault.

Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.

Do you have any dealbreakers?

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 10:26 AM, June 3rd (Sunday)]

Deephurt,

Must have been something in the air up here in Canada! We too had an awful night, up until 3:00am "discussing" as the kids were at friends' homes. I am sorry you had such a bad night.

I wonder if some of your struggles are related to fear that if you let your guard down and "heal", you might miss something and go through this trauma again? Or that by moving on and being happy again, it in some way condones the hurtful choices your WH made?

I understand your quandary and feel it everyday. For me I think I am learning that infidelity could be a deal breaker. So by staying, I am giving up that part of myself that says treating someone like that is not ok and there are consequences for it. Letting go of that part of myself is really hard. I am big on accountability and consequences for one's decisions.

On the mental health piece, gently, one can be depressed and anxious, have a hard time getting out of bed, lose one's appetite, disengage from life, all the symptoms of depression and anxiety, but it is no excuse for an A...particularly one lasting years. Usually, worlds get smaller with these conditions, as people revert back into where they are most comfortable. I expect your WH was able to function in the rest of his life i.e. work, go out with friends over the course of his 7-8 year A? If not, his need for medical intervention and support would have been evident for all to see. I would struggle with this as to me it is him not taking full accountability for his choices/decisions to cheat.

I hope the new day brings fresh and open dialogue and your WH can accept last night as a step back on the awful roller coaster he put you on. Hugs.

[This message edited by hopeandhealing at 9:55 AM, June 3rd (Sunday)]

This should be the forum I post on and read the most. You all understand the extra special hell of a LTA, and you have been so supportive of me in the General forum whenever I post. But for some reason I find it exceptionally difficult to read and post on this thread.

Why? I should gravitate to it because dealing with a LTA is a different animal than a ONS. Maybe it's just too painful to read. But despite my therapist and friends saying they see me healing, that I am getting stronger, I feel the opposite. I can't describe it. I don't know what's happening to me, and it's scaring me.

I cannot see a future with him and at the same time cannot see one without him. Do I even still love him or do I need him? Right now I believe I am using him as he used me for years, to my advantage. Not being in a position to be able to make a drastic move has me feeling empty. Like I'm on autopilot. My mood can change on a dime, and I will go from sitting next to him and all seems normal to instantly needing to be away from him and retreating to my bedroom without saying a word.

He probably thinks I'm crazy. Maybe I am. It certainly has been with his help or rather lack of. He goes on like nothing has happened. Meanwhile I am exhausted all the time, barley eat and it causes me to feel weak and shaky not to mention that the last thing I need is to lose more weight. I'm afraid of what this is all going to do to me in the long run.

I see nothing good in the future. There are no more dreams about goals I wish to achieve. I cannot bring myself to do things I previously loved. Most of the time I simply want the world to go away. This isn't healthy and I know it but don't know what to do about it.

I'm rambling and I'm sorry. My head is just so messed up right now, there's too much on my plate and my shitty coping skills are front and center.

Normally, I would say it’s just an excuse and I completely get why anyone would say that. I also know that he did it because it made him feel good.

Truth is, it’s some of both. Wh was originally diagnosed with depression. Put on meds for depression. It was after dday and him trying to kill himself that it was found that he actually had general anxiety disorder and the meds the original doctor put him in made his anxiety worse. This was for between 12 and 15 years prior.

I can honestly say that he was spiraling out of control. In hindsight I can see it. During that time, I thought he was just an ass and complained and arrogant etc. he had been changing and I didn’t particularly enjoy being around him.

I also heard him say that during his a, felt like he was in high school again and another time he said it felt like he was acting out the porn he was watching.

I have dealbreakers If he cheats again, I won’t even tell him I know, I am done. If he lies again-we are done. Other than Christmas present type of white lies. He needed to be thought what was flirting and what wasn’t and he no longer flirts. It took a bit if him changing his demeanor around women but it seems to have stuck. He knows flirting is off limits. No looking women up and down. If the slut ever contacts him again, he must tell me. He helps around the house and he can no long coach hockey. I have a post nip in place which may or not hold up but it helped me believe that he was sincere in his promise to never hurt me again.

Hope and healing- hey fellow Canadian. yes I do fear letting my guard down and it happening again. I fear another shoe dropping in the form of another a partner that I don’t know about. I fear losing myself. I never thought I would stay with a cheater and certainly my. It one that carries on for almost a decade. I do often feel like I am internally fighting with myself. Like I have compromised my integrity. But I do love him and the only reason I am still here is because of who he became after dday. If he didn’t make these changes, I wouldn’t be able to look at him. I certainly wouldn’t love him. If the new meds hasn’t helped his overall mood, I wouldn’t have been able to stay in the m. If he were still that selfish asshole who didn’t give a shit about me and our son and just did what he felt like regardless of who he hurt, I would have been long gone.

Early after dday, I was scared to leave. I didn’t want to leave. Over time, I came to feel confident that I would be fine if we split but I didn’t want to be without him. I still wanted him. During that time, to took place and second suicide attempt and he finally understood-or it appears he may have understood the enormity of what he did and how he crushed me. That’s when he started to become the guy I deserve. Problem is I am still living with fear of the other guy reading his ugly head and sometimes when I feel that I can see some bits of that guy showing through, I get real nervous.

Malibu. I felt like you I believe. I stared here and then found myself unable to come back for a long time and now that I am back, I have no idea what my issue was. Here, we get it.

I am going through some of what you are going through. Sometimes everything feels really good and then on a dime, I am upset and feel like I need distance.

It really is a roller coaster and that coaster is a difficult ride.

Your wh hasn’t shown much remorse so I can imagine your all over the place. I know you don’t feel you can leave but do you want to leave? What your choice be if you say-win the lottery?

Mine is to stay with my wh only because he is no longer that other guy.

I often worry about you. I worry that you feel trapped and that you will compromise your sanity because you feel you can’t leave. That was an issue for me at first. Once I felt confident that I would be fine if I left, that’s when I was able to make the right decisions for my happiness. Even though I struggle often still.

[This message edited by deephurt at 5:04 PM, June 3rd (Sunday)]

Deephurt,

Too bad our WH didn't follow the "Canadians are so nice" stereotype, so we could have avoided the awfulness we are living.

What you wrote really resonated with me. I too was afraid in the beginning. My H is all I have known my adult life and I didn't want to mess up my kids. As time has passed, my confidence which was eroded has come back and I know I would be just fine with out him. My WH knows this as well and has noted my increased strength. He says everyday I get stronger and he feels, closer to leaving the M.

As you stated, I have a daily internal struggle with "staying with a cheater", compromising my integrity. The few friends who know are mostly not supportive of my decision to stay, particularly considering the number of As he had. They will not be around him, which I feel further punishes me. I wish I had not confided in them. That said, he is doing the work, as your H has, showing up for me, being the partner I deserved years ago...so I am still here, waiting to see what this shitshow can turn into at which point I will decide if it good enough.

I am so sorry your H attempted suicide. What an awful thing to endure for you both. I am glad his meds have provided some stability to his mood and things have improved.

Malibu,

It makes my heart sad to read your post. You deserve happiness. I completely get the roller coaster of emotions, fine one minute, crying or raging the next. It so sucks. Please make yourself a priority. I found daily exercise helped, keeping busy, meditation, doing things for me.

Take your time to figure out what you need now, for today. It doesn't mean you are committing to that for the next year, six months or even tomorrow. We are human, so we anticipate and project what our future will look like and then are incredibly disappointed when it doesn't turn out that way, many times not through our own doing. The reality is, all we have for sure is today, so make it the best today you can, filling it with whatever nourishes your soul and makes you feel whole.

Hugs all on this thread.

[This message edited by hopeandhealing at 11:22 PM, June 3rd (Sunday)]

Im sorry to all that are finding this shitstorm very difficult, I imagine its probably most of us.

I can see we all still love our spouses otherwise it wouldnt hurt so much right? We see the change in them we see that they are different people to what they were when they were in their As, but we still feel uncertain about our relationships because we know that we will never fully trust them again. It still bothers us that they could do what they did and they seem to be fine now. Its us, we are still being affected in the aftermath of what they did. How is any of this fair?

Right now I am feeling a bit numb. Sometimes its the only way I can deal with the hurt.

Deephurt hugs to you, hopefully you can speak to your H and let him know the pain you are feeling.

I hope your H is not like mine, anytime I now bring up the A he is saying he no longer wants to hurt me anymore so maybe we should split up. I think that is an extremely cowardly thing for him to say. He should be saying how can I help you what can I say to help you feel better. Not if you mention it again lets get a D.

Deephurt, Hopeandhealing,

I don't know what's happening to me. I just feel empty and hopeless.

That's the thing, right after DDay I had hope. Hope that he was going to wake up and realize what a good wife he has who always loved him. Hope he would change, and he has made some changes but not nearly enough. Still no communication about our marriage or the LTA. All he's done is put a band aid on a wound that's hemorrhaging.

Though yet again I stated that I need answers, it is impeding my healing, I want to stop feeling like I was replaced, that I'm still hurting it just fell on deaf ears. No response.

Yet for some reason the frequency of having sex has increased recently. I don't trust that either. I just don't trust period. He could have a halo around his head and it wouldn't mean a thing to me now.

I very much feel trapped. I'm very angry at myself for being a coward and never questioning things and demanding answers throughout our relationship. All the times I knew something wasn't right. But doormat that he made me, I said nothing. I was too afraid to. Now I open my mouth but really is it going to make a difference? He's done a tremendous amount of damage and I am so messed up by how I've been treated, disrespected and ignored that I can't even see the possibility of moving on and finding someone else. Who wants damaged goods?

My heart is broken. My soul damaged what seems beyond repair. I thought I was getting stronger.

My belief, and this is pure speculation on my part, is that he has cheated on and off throughout our entire relationship. I think there were ONS's and maybe brief flings. I think initially he intended this LTA to merely be the same but instead fell for her. I cannot convince myself otherwise. I believe he only stayed for our son and finances. I could be wrong, and my friends try to convince me she meant nothing more to him than an easy lay. An escape. Then again those same friends didn't want to believe he was cheating until I gathered enough information to prove otherwise including his admission.

He took years from me. He used me. He had a beautiful family and shit all over it. That's the truth.

I'm afraid of having a nervous breakdown and what that will mean as far as custody of my son should we split. I'm afraid for myself. My head is not in a good place right now.

Malibu,

I am sorry, I don't know all of your story, but it sounds as though your H is not putting your healing as a priority, that he is not truly remorseful.

Hy WH's IC told him his job was to answer all of my questions honestly, no matter how many times I asked, that he was to be patient, the timeline is mine alone and he had to put in far more effort than I, knowing sometimes his efforts would fall completely flat and I would not accept them i.e make dinner plans and then I don't feel like going. Those are things your WH should be doing for you, to help you feel safe and loved.

My WH had 4 LTAs over the span of 12 years of our now almost 22 year marriage. Writing that, I can't even believe I am still here, but I am, based exclusively on how he has handled things so far. I say this because I understand the feeling of stolen years, that I gave the best years of my life to someone who shit on them. My entire M became a farce, a lie. I had to work really hard to say F-You (well that part actually wasn't hard ), you don't get to take that from me too. I will not give the power of what has been good in my life to be tainted by a bunch of loose, immoral sluts and your selfish choices.

Every time I looked at a photo of my kids, I thought, hmm, he was f-ing Whore #3 when that was taken etc. It was awful and I was losing....again. I am tired of losing, so I changed my narrative to happy thoughts of when that picture was taken. It took time and practice and sometimes the intrusive thoughts would enter again, but I worked slowly to reclaim the life I thought I had. Was my WH cheating during that time? Yup, he sure was, but that is on him, he has to live with that and look himself in the mirror everyday. My history is still mine.

I think we all feel trapped to some degree. Trapped due to finances, kids, not wanting the "old life" to change...but it has changed, forever. It is hard to see the light through the darkness of where you are right now, but it is there.

You said you can't imagine finding someone else, that you are damaged goods and who would want that. You feel that way because this trauma has eroded your sense of self and your confidence, but the amazing person you are is still in there, she is likely just scared to be seen because that didn't work out so well the last time.

I read something the other day which really resonated with me "You can meet somebody tomorrow who has better intentions for you than someone you have known forever. Time means nothing, character does".

Please get help for yourself if you feel you are on the brink of a breakdown. Are you in IC? What you describe sounds very much like depression so I would suggest talking to your doctor as well. S/he may have some suggestions to help. You are being heard here and we are sending you strength and virtual hugs. You are stronger than you think possible. Make a small goal for today, work to achieve it, then repeat. Get outside for some nature therapy, take in deep breaths.

Change and being vulnerable are scary, but they can also be beautiful and freeing. To me, equally as painful is staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.

p.s. If I lived near you (and this wasn't anonymous) I would take you for a manicure, pedicure or to get our hair done. Something to make you feel beautiful and worthy. If you can afford it, call a friend and make a date for some pampering.

[This message edited by hopeandhealing at 11:12 AM, June 4th (Monday)]

Amanda. My wh does sometimes go into, should I leave mode. The other night he said we should just sign the papers. Apparently he meant to sign everything over to me.

He is in a horrible place. Apparently my vent took four hours and I said some stuff that hurt him. I don’t remember all of it and I asked if we could discuss it but he doesn’t want to relive those things. If he won’t discuss it, I can’t tell him if I really meant it. But would I have said it if I didn’t mean it? I don’t know. M

I know I told him how it torments me to see the vehicles that he screwed her in staring at me in the work parking lot. I know I told him that it hurt me that when I had to drive one that it hurt me that he didn’t think twice about it. I know I told him that when he looks into those vehicles while we are driving and see those styles, that it hurts me. I know I told him that when I see him looking at attractive women that it hurts me. He looked one up and then down and then up again last week. He says he didn’t look at her. I told him how it bothers me when I pass the hotel where they had sex. He doesn’t think of these things. It bothers me to see sex in tv. It bothers me to hear it see the bitches name and it even bothers me to see women that are less that five feet tall because of her.

Last week we were discussing his anxiety and I made a comment about his new employment back during his a and how I would try to calm him down. I had to bite my tongue because I almost said-thats right it wasn’t me that calmed you down was it? That came later with the alcohol.

I feel like I am spiraling into depression tbh. I am considering going back to therapy to help. I suspect I still have ptsd.

Wh is saying he is angry at himself. He really is in a bad way. Ive been sleeping more than I ever have before.

Helpandhealing. We are all truly in relationships that have seriously damaged us. That’s how I see it. My wh has no trouble hurting me to get an o. It’s not like he didn’t know it was wrong. He lied and kept secrets and manipulated until he couldn’t any longer.

Malibu. You need to see an psychiatrist to be properly diagnosed. A therapist nor a psychologist can properly diagnose and prescribe proper meds. I think you previously said you are in meds. It I urge you to go back and seek help. I also believe you have depression.

He's done a tremendous amount of damage and I am so messed up by how I've been treated, disrespected and ignored that I can't even see the possibility of moving on and finding someone else. Who wants damaged goods?

MBB, you really should reframe this. The answer that you should be searching for is why you allowed him to treat you that you that way. Stop viewing yourself as damaged goods. The measure of your worth is not whether you have a man in your life.

edited to add missing words

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 1:57 PM, June 4th (Monday)]

I agree with northeasterarea. Your worth should never be wrapped up I. How someone else treats you or if you ha e a partner or not. Your worth is based on how you see yourself and how you live your life and treat others. How they treat you is on them, not you.

Mbb-your such an awesome person. You deserve to be treated with respect. I am sure you could find someone in a minute if you wanted to. You just aren’t ready tonir don’t want to right now. That’s fine. Just don’t accept being treated in any way that doesn’t reflect how you feel you deserve to be treated. That should be with respect and adoration.