SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You will be happier with yourself long term if you (1) stand up for yourself in your marriage and (2) destroy the affair partner's life the way he helped destroy yours. Take him down.

DI, stop calling yourself a pussy, it's self-defeating. You are passive, it's what has allowed this mess to happen, and it is still happening. You are not in R, you are not in recovery, you're in "infidelity purgatory". I feel I was closer to you in likeness, partly on how you initially handled DD. Unlike you, I went through this alone; told no one. LIB "Life before Internet".

You are getting great advice, but are reluctant to use it. This is where we differ. I was successful at R, but where you sit in nether-world, after D-day I told my WW I will consider R with conditions "Non-Negotiable". Either she accepted or we part ways, and yes she saw in my eyes I meant it.

You are setting on the side-lines watching everything happen (PASSIVE). Stop it right now. She is still in a fog, no real remorse. You will know it when you truly see it; it can take a while.

If you allow this OM to stay in your life, it is only a matter of time, before it begins again.

Look yourself in the mirror, and say "How worse will I feel, if she tells me she feel off the wagon". Let the settle in, then say it again.

Take a day off, go with her to HR, ensure she TELLS the FULL Truth. Don't wait for her to decide, do it for yourself.

I need her to quit or go to HR. That is what I need right now. I dont know what to do when MC is telling to not rush and to take her time. I just can't deal with hearing about OM comforting her at work and whatnot.

What do you mean the OM is comforting your wife at work?

She's showing you no respect. Stand up for yourself

DM, remember that we care for you and want you all the best. So please, don't stop posting. You're fighting one of the hardest fights for your life, and even when/if you'll feel weak, we're always here to help you!

And again, I was a typical "Nice guy" and allowed myself to be too passive, allowed too much disrespect,..., and at times I felt pathetic. But I worked on myself and now I feel great about myself! And all of that bad stuff from the past give me guidance and remind me to never again tolerate such stuff.

You're not being a "pussy" becuase you'd somehow be inherently weak, pathetic,... You are being a "Nice guy" because you've been "trained" to be a "nice guy" by society,..., and because you've never truly been taught how to be emotionally healthy&strong, and "selfish" in a reasonable and emotionally healthy way.

So basically you're like an adult who's learning how to swim because he's never been taught to swim as a kid. He might feel pathetic because he can't swim at his age, but he shouldn't be. He should be proud of himself that he's learning to swim instead of staying away from water or wearing swimming-pads/... for the rest of his life. Be proud of yourself and the hard work you are and will continue to do on yourself. I know I am proud of every single person on this site truly working on becoming an emotionally healthy&strong person, even though they might, as we all do, occasionally stumble and despair.

Bro-hug!

wk55hn- I meant it is hard for her in the sense that she has to go to HR or quit. I would find that very difficult. It's scary for both of us but I would imagine it's scarier for her.

She tells me she doesn't want to work for him. She feels like he is toying with her since she has told him to leave her alone and him not doing so makes her uncomfortable. Knowing this, he still decides to not leave her alone, so she feels like he is doing it on purpose.

She tells me she doesn't like him at all and sees him as a cheater and not a nice person. I want to believe her that this is true but her reluctance to going to HR is tough to stomach.

I'm not sure if I stopped talking about how she has to HR or quit, if she would or just keep things status quo. I want to think that she would make up her mind at some point and do one of the two, but it's impossible to know.

I used to think I could read her very well but I keep thinking back to when I met OM at a volleyball game and we played together, shook hands, had a few beers and shared some laughs. She was there, he showed up unexpectedly, and this was during their affair. She showed NOTHING. It was like everything was just perfect and fine. I would have been shitting bricks. It makes me wonder if I even know her at all or if she can just throw up this front whenever she wants...

Craig- She broke down in his office yesterday (she was having a bad day already with me being moody and dour and he was being a dick). She started crying and he asked her what was wrong and could he hug her. She supposedly said no, he may not but he put his arm around her anyways. I blew up on her last night about this and told her he is not her friend. He is the other person who fucked up our marriage and lives. I shouldn't yell when she volunteers to come clean about stuff but it fucking hurts so so bad having to hear about it every day and wonder as my day goes on what is happening and what is he doing now. I asked her if she recorded it, "no", did she buy a VAR, "no", do you want me to get one for you, "no". It just doesn't seem like she is taking any proactive steps to make telling HR any easier for herself.

Hobbes- Thanks so much! I really really appreciate it. I read No More Mr. Nice Guy and yes, I am most definitely a Nice Guy. I was working on it a bit but this job/OM shit has just been consuming me. I can hardly work!

[This message edited by desertmirage at 11:56 AM, November 10th (Thursday)]

She broke down in his office yesterday (she was having a bad day already with me being moody and dour and he was being a dick). She started crying and he asked her what was wrong and could he hug her. She supposedly said no, he may not but he put his arm around her anyways.

To be blunt, this is bullshit!

Your wife has not ended the affair and is now egging him on. Where does she get off breaking down in his office. Why was she in his office anyway?

This is totally unacceptable. She breaks down to the OM and says she is having a bad day because YOU were acting moody.

This is very bad. She went to the OM for comfort, the affair continues.

There is now NO reason for her to go to HR, she went to the OM for comfort. She doesn't get it at all.

Forget HR, they cannot help. Your wife says she doesn't want to work for him any longer, YET she goes into his office and breaks down and looks for comfort and allows him to put his arm around her.

Sorry, but the affair continues. She is clueless, makes me wonder why the hell your wife even told you any of this....why did she even tell you this, to make you more miserable?

Your wife is continuing the affair, so forget HR.

She can either quit today, or have the lawyer write a strong letter to them OM threatening a harassment lawsuit. BUT she is the one that went to him for comfort, so forget that.

I would say, you need to call this OM and threaten him with a lawsuit, but once again, your wife is the one that went to HIM for comfort.

Why would your wife go to his office because she is having a bad day because you are moody?

Your wife doesn't get it at all.

No no no. She has a weekly 1 on 1 meeting with her boss (everyone does this). During the meeting she broke down because he was being a dick about something and with the added stressors outside of work it caused her to break down and cry. She didn't say anything about me or what is going on outside of work beyond him asking "is this only about work" and her saying "no. I believe this, tbh. I really don't think she is cheating any more.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 12:07 PM, November 10th (Thursday)]

She has a weekly 1 on 1 meeting with her boss (everyone does this). During the meeting she broke down because he was being a dick about something and with the added stressors outside of work it caused her to break down and cry.

No, not everyone does this!

Does he put his arm around every women that goes into his office. Why was he being a dick?

Added stress outside of work, like what. She had no added stress during the affair.

Enough is enough of this.

You were going to HR on Monday and allowed yourself to be talked out of it.

You need to do something now, and you need to make a decision.

It sounds to me as if your wife went to him for comfort. Why no VAR.

So far, your wife has done absolutely nothing to help this situation.

Someone needs to make a decision here.

Your wife is still alone with the OM at work, that is cruel to you, and that needs to end right now.

Every single job my wife has ever had and every single job (outside of framing houses) that I have had, have had 1 on 1 meetings with my and her bosses. It's a way of checking in and keeping everyone on the same page. I think we are focusing on the wrong thing here.

He was being a dick about resources she as asking for, for the project she is working on. I guess he was just joking about it and not trying to help get her what she needs and it was very frustrating to her. She tends to cry and get upset when very frustrated (always has) so it makes sense to me.

It doesn't ultimately matter though. None of this does. All that does, is that he is still in her life in more than a respectful boss way and that isn't okay with me. I agree that it is cruel. It is driving me insane. I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning. I was going to call my MC this afternoon to go over how I'm feeling and see what he says. I don't think it's good for me to do what he says I shouldn't (would be confusing for her I would think, and also would be me telling her that he is full of shit and I know best).

Desert, this why you are going to have to go with to HR, and do it now.

No she will never do it on her own. Made worse, you blowing up (It's human nature, the situation is killing you piece by piece) is going cause her to stop telling you anything.

She will feel isolated, and go the OM for comfort. The 1 on 1 meetings have to stop. She may be trying but she will breakdown. The A truly has not stopped yet not while OM has access to her.

Go to HR now, if you want a chance. If you do nothing, the decision will be made for you.

Affair- I agree. I'll call my MC this afternoon so that this isn't a surprise on Tuesday and then tell her she tells HR tomorrow of I'm gone (I can take tomorrow off to go with her). Let her decide what she wants more. I think I know the answer already. She is seeing what this is doing to me and is putting more thought into how HR is going to handle this and how her coworkers are going to react than the thought she put into how her A would affect both me and our marriage.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:23 AM, May 1st (Tuesday)]

Handle it exactly the way Bigger suggested and your wife's career will be fine.

Desert,

I suggest, you make the decisions for you. Still allowing Passive mode, it will be your undoing, trust me I know.

The time for her input is over. You do not ask her, you state to her what is going to occur. Time for you to take the reigns.

I was like you (24yr D-Day), I was 30, Mr. Nice guy big time. You asked the degree of finding out, mine best friend, in my house (Spare BRm) while helping him out during a divorce. EA had been going on for 2m prior, during my Wed Aniv. It's time for you to make the calls, not ANYONE else.

Also, go to IC. MC can't work until true R is happening. This war, you are in charge.

Yeah, I have moved past my caring if she is fired or not. I agree that nothing bad is going to happen to her at all besides people knowing what she did, but I just don't care about that shit any more. Her concerns about her job and reputation just piss me off at this point. If you care about that stuff, don't sleep with your boss! Even if she was single, sleeping with your boss isn't okay if you want people to respect you.

I'm sorry Affair, that sounds terrible. :( The only thing that I keep coming back to as a positive in this whole thing, is that she came to me with this shit before I had to figure it out.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 12:52 PM, November 10th (Thursday)]

Yes, you and your wife has to go to HR. The OM is now playing your wife, and she goes and cries in front of him.

He is playing games. I also think your wife needs a thicker skin now.

Many jobs require the resources needed be put in writing, this 1 on 1 stuff is nonsense.

Does this boss have a boss above him, if so, your wife deals with that person, because this has to stop.

This OM is playing your wife and your wife is allowing it. In other words, how dare she break down and cry in front of him. Does she continually need outside validation from this OM.

HR, lawsuits, etc, like others said, but it is now time to poop or get off the pot.

BS replies only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:01 PM, November 13th (Sunday)]

There were times our MC did not agree with things I knew I needed. I thanked him for his opinion, but assured him I knew what I needed better than he did. And if my H wanted to side with the MC, then he could bloody well be married to the MC and go live at his house. I am allowed to make my boundaries. H is allowed to choose to embrace those or not, but not without consequences.

If they are in contact there's a good chance the affair is ongoing.