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I know she was unhappy and was just tired of the general day to day.

If that is your wifes finally answer, than you are in for more pain. What happens the next time she is unhappy and bored with day to day life, another affair.

She needs to explain how she ever let herself cross these boundaries.

You have been so focused on the OM and HR, that I believe you have lost sight of the real problem and that is your wife had sex with some other guy.

Are you even sure she actually talked to HR, do you have any actual proof.

As for her leaving and it will be good, why does she need space from you for a week across the world.

This has been such a long and winding road. I think that given the circumstances you should ask her to follow up with an email, simply acknowledging the conversation and that you she looks forward to resolution. And then show that email to you.

Maybe I'm a cynic, but she could have easily told you she did it but really didn't.

The Vietnam trip is outrageous given all she's put you through

Craig- Like I said, it can't be her final answer. I believe it's a surface level excuse that is feasibly true, but it's not the root-cause. That, to me, is what needs to happen next.

Markone- Yeah, good call. I don't know for sure she did it, but we stayed up super late last night getting this thing in order and going over everything. I really think she did it.

Her Vietnam trip is w.e. to me. I think it'll be good for everyone to take some time off of this. It's gonna be a not fun week for her this week (with HR and all) and will give hers and mine mind some rest. Like I said, she had been planning this for some time, so it's not like she decided to go last week or anything. It's been paid for, for a while now.

You need some kind of confirmation she talked to HR, and I don't know what that can be. I thought you were going to be with her when she talked to HR. There is no reason to believe her at this time.

Her Vietnam trip is w.e. to me.

What does that mean.

And just a question, why is she going to Vietnam anyway, not your usual vacation spot?

Her friend from highschool is doing aid work in Guatemala and they had planned to see each other somewhere cool Thanksgiving week. They decided on Vietnam since neither of them had ever been and travel/expenses once there are super cheap. They have a really cool trip planned out for themselves.

I meant that I don't care one way or another about her going on the trip. I don't need her to be here and this was already planned for a long time so it's fine with me that she goes. If she said she was going out of the blue I would be less okay with it because it would seem suspicious.

She wanted to handle this herself with HR. That is why I didn't go. The more I thought about it, it seemed kinda strange for me to be sitting there with her. Her conversation with them has nothing to do with me. It would only be for "moral support" I guess.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 12:09 PM, November 15th (Tuesday)]

I guess waiting was good on that regard?

Your a glass half full type person. I can tell.

By my calculations since first step towards NC (not yet achieved) took 55 days. At this rate I put your recovery in the 15 to 20 years from now category.

Just food for thought, long road ahead still.

I'll crack a beer and toast this milestone for you tonight though.

[This message edited by sneaker at 12:09 PM, November 15th (Tuesday)]

Haha, I'll have to send you a new six pack every time something good happens, or the beer will have gone bad by the next milestone.

Whatever, I'm feeling happy atm and it's nice to not have this to think about any more.

So your wife is going to be away on Thanksgiving also. How well do you know this woman she is going with.

Yes, I am suspicious of many things like she wanted to do this alone. I would say it is 50/50 that she actually talked to HR.

Are you able to watch all of her texts and emails, I would guess the OM is going to be contacted her very soon as soon as HR contacts him.

I've known her friend for like 10 years. We are all good friends. I go visit my buddies sometimes by myself. It's nice to catch up like old times without your spouse sometimes.

Why would you think it's 50/50? I would think that OM would steer clear of my wife after HR talks to him but he hasn't had the sense to leave her alone after she told him to, so you may be right. Let him! It will only make things more clear for HR.

So she definitely went today. She's super anxious and scared. She doesn't know how OM will react and is really scared for what is going to happen. Idk how to comfort her. HR wants any texts she has from him so she is sending those over now.

She doesn't know how OM will react and is really scared for what is going to happen. Idk how to comfort her.

I don't know if I would. It's called consequences for her actions.

Is it just me this guy is unbelievable he's either telling us lies or he's really really stupid. He's got no proof of her reporting anything to HR.? and now conveniently she's going away on vacation by herself to Vietnam to visit an old friend they both have known for 10 years, and something tells me he has not verified any of this not her HR lie, and now her vacation lie

[This message edited by trojan007 at 9:40 PM, November 15th (Tuesday)]

How many BS are really that "smart", considering our position? Come on, dude.

Exactly!

Up to the point that I had my undeniable proof, my fWW could have told me just about anything and I would have bought it... hook, line, and sinker.

Her conversation with them has nothing to do with me. It would only be for "moral support" I guess.

If some dude fucked my wife and now keeps putting his arm around her and won't leave her alone, you're damn right this has something to do with me.

She's super anxious and scared. She doesn't know how OM will react and is really scared for what is going to happen. Idk how to comfort her. HR wants any texts she has from him so she is sending those over now.

How fucked up is it that she is "super anxious and scared" about possibly (at worst) losing her job, but is not so much worried or afraid that she might lose her husband over fucking another dude?

And because she is so anxious, she's going on a long plane trip to an exotic locale away from her husband.

I think I may have crossed over into bizarro world. Nothing makes sense to me.

Considering DM is still in post DDay hell (less than 2 months have passed), I think he's coping alright, he's not suicidal or drinking himself to death or getting arrested on DV charges. We all went through the "save our marriage at any cost" mode that he seems to be passing through. After the post D-Day hell phase, some left (myself included), others stayed and attempted R. DM will choose one of these two forks in the road when the time comes.

For now, I'm hoping DM is in "trust but verify" mode and has been shown some sort of proof that HR has been formally notified by his WW.

We all went through the "save our marriage at any cost" mode that he seems to be passing through.

I’m with Redbaron – DM has just buckled into the rollercoaster and as I ventured in an earlier post, has not reached the anger stage and has been getting through these first dreadful days by concentrating on the HR issues.

She's super anxious and scared. She doesn't know how OM will react and is really scared for what is going to happen. Idk how to comfort her

Comfort her through this? Nope and if she has any expectation of your support and comfort through this part of the hellish trajectory that SHE set you on, then it’s time to remind her that her actions will have countless consequences and this is just the beginning. It is not your job to comfort the woman who broke your heart and broke your trust. She fired you from that role when she was unfaithful – which resulted in her current anxiety. Lord, these cheaters cut such a wide and complicated path of destruction…

She’d better come back from her South Asian travels with an overwhelming commitment to earn back your trust and willingness to do everything you ask.

And DM, you must use her time away to gain some clarity and understand that reconciliation is never a given and she has yet to do the hard work of making you feel safe.

I know she went to HR. I helped her craft and send her followup email and screenshotted text messages they were asking for.

She is more scared of how OM will react. Will he come to our house etc. I doubt it but i dont know him at all. It makes me angry that she cheated on me with a guy she thinks may come ay her or slash her tires or something. It makes me very angry that she even has this concern. She sure can pick em...

Self-rescuer- this is what i meant by it will be good to have a week off and be apart. Hopefully get some clarity.

She is more scared of how OM will react. Will he come to our house etc. I doubt it but i dont know him at all. It makes me angry that she cheated on me with a guy she thinks may come ay her or slash her tires or something.

fWW tried to tell me something similar.

I just looked at her. My best impression of Tommy Lee Jones.

She knows full well I'd bounce the shitbag off three walls and perforate him before he hit the floor if I ever found him inside the house.

Yeah I got that shit too. And I used to think she had good sense.