SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

“No frankly I just don't think he wants her. I don't know what it is but she hasn't went out of the house in like three days, once she gets off she just comes straight home.”

Her behaviour could be down to a variety of reasons. The reality of what she has caused may finally be sinking in. She may have discussed getting a place with the OM and been told that for whatever reason - bad credit, his custody arrangements, he isn’t and never was committed to that level - it isn’t a viable possibility. Which leaves her in the position of having demolished her marriage, home, and life, for a ‘soulmate’ who fed her a fine line in bullsh*t to get what he wanted, but isn’t quite the new life partner she thought he was. It certainly sounds like she has outsmarted herself here. If that is the case, she may not feel like seeing him. They may have had an almighty argument. Who knows? At this point, it is basically irrelevant. You have had to deal with the consequences of her actions, and so must she. You have made the right choice to move onwards in life, after what has been some pretty appalling treatment from her. If she has torn her own playhouse down, so be it.

As far as the memorabilia goes, really it is just ‘stuff’, and it is unlikely to make you happy to look back at it in later years. You have your memories of how things were before she revealed her true nature to you, and if those were happy times, why not keep them as your souvenirs? I am not sure why she would want to keep it either, but if she does, let her have the bulk of it. If you can find the strength within yourself, it might be good to leave all of it with her and take nothing. It would be healthier for you to do that, and it would send a stronger statement to her than burning half of it. Like I say, you have your memories of when things were good. Do you really need something to put on a shelf or keep in a cardboard box at the back of a cupboard? It is better to focus on the future which is opening up before you, offering you a return to happy times, and the potential for a better relationship as and when you feel ready for it.

[This message edited by M1965 at 7:09 AM, February 9th (Thursday)]

I don't think I saw anyone mention this, but since she is staying your home, you need to have an out by date selected.

She needs to know that you expect her gone by X date. No wavering either. This is important, because right now she is sad, and depressed, but she will also get angry, and mean, and when that happens she doesn't need to be in a home you are attempting to sell.

Manual,

IMO you should give her all that stuff. Last thing you need is keep so etching that may trigger you.

The opposite of love is not anger is I difference. Dont let her see that you care even being mean.

Do not engage in any kind of contact with her. It is pont less.

Focus on you and your new life.

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 10:14 AM, February 9th (Thursday)]

I've given her recent behavior some thought, and I'm wondering if she truly believed until recently that she would be able to cake eat through this. One would think that you filing for D would blow up that notion, but it seems it has taken you moving out for it to sink in. Of course there may be other factors at play, but I think she finally understands there will be consequences. Wow, she is thick headed.

With regards to memorabilia, in my past situation my thinking was keep the stuff you would want to share with your kids to show them what you were like before they were born. Since you have no kids, look through the stuff that showed a happier you and save those for your future kids. They might want to keep it for themselves to show the grand kids some day. I have my stuff in plastic tubs in the attic. If it is hard to go through all that stuff without triggering, see if your sister will pick out the stuff for you. If anyone remembers and can recognize things that would remind pr properly show anyone of who you are it would certainly be her. After all, she has known you all her life so far.

Also, like tushnurse says definitely put in place an "exit the premises" date with your STBXW. Since she still wants to have conversation with you then make the topic about her plans for moving out. Civilly ask her why she hasn't already moved in with the AP already to break the ice on that topic. She might tell you she's having second thoughts. She might tell you the AP isn't ready for her to move in yet. She might come up with all kinds of excuses. No matter what, tell her something like "Well, I'm going to be working with the real estate agent and we are going to have to start staging the house for open house showings. We need to get that ball rolling very soon."

But whatever you do, make sure you have a VAR on you at ALL times and recording when around her. You just never know how she will react when reality start to really weigh on her shoulders, especially when that exit date draws near.

Be careful in walking away.

I can understand not wanting pictures from better times or stuff that was hers, but sometimes we men leave a marriage with only the paper dishes from the camping-kit. Setting up house costs and don’t underestimate the value of items like cutlery, furniture, lamps and like.

I could give you a lot of reasons for her behavior but frankly… it doesn’t matter.

I do want to suggest one thing though: The moment you leave then ask her to contact you on financial issues and the house via e-mail. Even go set up a separate account that is only for her posts. Then block her from your phone and all social media.

Her being home for three days is more likely indicative of days he has custody.

The appearance of guilt on her part is really selfish reality setting that her grand master plan of staying in the "dream home" is gone forever.

I do expect that when the prospects of keeping the house faded, your WW's value to her adultery partner diminished...she no longer had a dowry. And vice versa: she never envisioned herself living in the shitbox rental. The Fairy Tale Fantasy (FTF) is not working out as planned.

The FTF was her plan A. Do Not become her Plan B. She still has it within her to manipulate you while you are feeling vulnerable.

Memorabilia? Ditch it unless it has some connection to your family, or your own personal life. Memorabilia is kept because it elicits warm, happy memories.

No frankly I just don't think he wants her. I don't know what it is but she hasn't went out of the house in like three days, once she gets off she just comes straight home. I see guilt in her, so I'm doing my best to take advantage of it. She attempts to initiate conversation but I just don't know what to say. I don't plan on taking any of the memorabilia, maybe a few things. She made it known that she wants a good amount of that stuff for whatever reason. Pretty sure she wants to keep the stuff, I should just ask for half and burn it all but that would probably be mean.

You don't have to say anything. As they say: NOT MY MONKIES....NOT MY CIRCUS.

In a few short months you'll find a wave of relief passing over you that you don't need to deal with this crap anymore. You're nostalgic now. That's normal and that's ok. It will not last long.

I am moving out today... I took a few pictures that I might want to show my future kids one day and let her keep the rest. I can afford my own place but I'm going to stay with my parents for some time. WW said she is having doubts about OM and she's sorry for everything I ever met her and told me she'll cherish what we had and that she's so sorry. I wanted to just hug her and tell her it can be okay and we can start over, I just know deep down I have to leave. There is no good for me staying in this house. I did not say much and I don't think I can ever forgive for what she put me through.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 1:00 PM, February 9th (Thursday)]

Manual:

Let her go.....! She has already let you go....!!!

It's great that you're moving out. Give you an opportunity to get out of a painful environment. Very fortunate to have your family to take you in. Having your family love on you will ease the pain.

Hopefully the house will sell quickly and for a good price. You can use it to by a condo down the road or be reckless for once and splurge on a lightly used GTR. :-).

Keep posting, it can help you deal with your feelings.

Stay on your path GT. Sell the house. Move on your own. Time is your friend.

She has said things like this before, she swore up and down she never f*cked him. Then the OM rang the bell and she was back in his bed.

She is learning buyers remorse sucks. Doubting a guy who cheats with a married woman.."Que surpresa!"

IF there is ANY chance of you two getting together in the FUTURE (it happens, not often but a friend married one guy twice) you need at least a year or two to recover from the time she hit you in the head with an anvil, set you on fire then wouldn't even pee on you to put it out...metaphorically speaking of course.

Maybe someday you will both be in a place that R can happen. Don;t count on it, live your life as a single man.

If you met her in 2018 and knew her history would you want to date her? Think about that a little.

Keep strong...Remember what she did a month ago.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:03 PM, February 9th (Thursday)]

Good for you, this is the first step to a new and better life. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but I do believe you'll see this as a critical turning point for the better for months and years to come. Walking away from a relationship you've had your entire adult life shouldn't be easy, but frankly that's a two way street. You were in it for the duration until she made the wrong choices over (EA) and over (PA) and over (continuing PA after d day. No true remorse; she asked you to finance their love nest!!!) again. Even though you are in pain, you can hold your head high. She is simply reaping what she's sown. The part about her now doubting POSOM is almost too much. Really?!? Now?!? Where was her discernment when he was trying to get into her pants while she was married to you! It would be funny if this whole thing wasn't so sad.

[This message edited by Sanibelredfish at 1:59 PM, February 9th (Thursday)]

Your story kind of reminds me of the Farmer's Donkey fable. Google it if you aren't already familiar. Briefly, you fell in the well, and your wife kept throwing dirt on you to bury you because it was too much trouble to save you/your marriage. However, instead of just lying there and allowing her to bury you, you brushed off each shovelful and stepped up on the dirt meant to end you. The good thing is you kept doing that until today when there was finally enough dirt below you to step out of the well. Nice job, keep going!

WW said she is having doubts about OM and she's sorry for everything

Not a surprise she admits this much. I think all of them eventually come to a realization for what they've lost for so little gained elsewhere, whether they ever admit it or not. I think they realize it the most once they are out of their familiar environment (the home) and it feels no longer comfortable. I think it becomes much more apparent when they still feel that dead void within, that space they were trying to label as that "something missing in our marriage...". Some eventually learn that void is what they were lacking in themselves, what they did NOT put into the marriage as much as you have been. Others never learn and just repeat the behavior, the mistakes, over and over.

No matter what Manuel, you deserved better than what she was willing to give. I hope you can start seeing that now. You were in the same marriage, yet through it all you remained true to her and your vows. It is fortunate that she outed herself out to be less than who she pretended to be, before you two had children and at a point in your life you still have time to rebuild yourself and have a new beginning with someone that wants to build that life with you and also ADD to the relationship. You deserve a better woman in your future. Your future kids deserve a better woman for a mother. That's what should tell you whether she ever deserves a second chance in the future. I think she proved otherwise within a couple of days of your Dday. For now, let your family and friends help you heal. From here on out it is all a formal business process of dissolving a marriage. Just think "clean slate". I highly suggest going on a week long vacation somewhere so you can gather your thoughts on what you want to do in your new beginning.

I know your heart is broken but you have showed that you have a strong resolve and belief in yourself, you will get though this ! Stay Strong 💪

WW said she is having doubts about OM and she's sorry for everything I ever met her and told me she'll cherish what we had and that she's so sorry. I wanted to just hug her and tell her it can be okay and we can start over...

manualgtr,

Understand that, had you done this, she would have lost all respect for you.

The reason she is showing a degree of remorse and is upset that you are divorcing her is that you reacted to her cheating like a man. She senses, even if she doesn't full comprehend, that she will never again have a relationship with a man as good or as strong as you.

Kudos.

MickeyBill is right. If you just met her and knowing what you do about what she has done, would she be a candidate to go out with ? Nope

You are taking steps to protect yourself. Kudos to that. Just don't be too generous in the financial aspect. There's no reason why she should benefit and you suffer for her actions financially.

Remain strong

She's managing you.

Look at her behaviour for past last couple of weeks, she's been going out and staying with the OM. For all you know the reason she hasn't been going to his place is because his parents are over or any other reasons, that's really not the point.

These little things are called sh*t tests. You've probably been doing the 180 pretty well, handling the sh*tty situation you've been dealt, she comes to you, gives you the sad song which runs counter to how she's been acting, you cave, hug her or tell you you'll do anything to keep her, sh*t test failed, she'll know how you've been acting is something she can counter act with a little tears and sad faces. And soon enough she'll be running back to the OM and you'll be stuck in same spot you found yourself.

Wish you well man and stay on course. Even if she offered R, she would have to do a tonne more to even merit mere consideration, as you said if she can't afford the house and the OM is not going to put her up she might start to stall, which means putting the press on you.

Sounds like there may be trouble in paradise with the OM. I hope so indeed. It would be sweet sweet karma.

It is quite different carrying on an affair and spending part-time with the lover. They don't have to deal with the everyday stress of life and relationships when they are in this temporary bubble. But to go live and experience the relationship full-time can be a huge wake-up call to what the WS is leaving behind and what they are getting themselves into with the Other Person.

If this happens, don't be surprised if she comes crying back. Just don't consider it