SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

JM72, my Wh lied threw 3 MC appointments to our therapist and I, really trying to get the point across that he only cheated ONE time....please.

Your right if she isn't capable of being honest what's the use right now, she has got to get to the place where it's the last resort to save the am and she's not been shell shocked enough yet apparently.

Mine too told anyone who had ears how bad I was how pathetic our marriage was, even going into MY attorney's office to sign the agree the spent 20 minutes telling MY attorney how bad the marriage was I guess to make himself seem like a big cheating ahole...too bad she knows me well enough not to be drawn into his well rehearsed sad tale.

Well look, I'm not losing out here. Financially she is gonna take a hard hit.

I did most of the food shopping, most of the cooking, most of the cleaning, etc. I work nights, so I had the time during the day to keep the house clean. I was the one who took the kids to most of their doctor appointments, dentist appointments, shuttle them around, and THEN go to work.

If anyone knows of a woman who wants an honest, hard working, loyal guy, with a charming personality, who will cook her dinner, keep the house clean, and work his ass off, send me a PM - (as long as you feel looks are optional....)

I did have a question for the women, or men that might have knowledge of this for that matter.

Everyone keeps asking me how old she is based on how she is acting. She's 44, a little young for menopause. But then I was thinking, she has had either a highly overactive or highly underactive thyroid issue that has gotten worse over the years. They try up the dose, different things, but everytime she went to get blood work done, it was either the same, or worse.

Now I hear this can screw up your hormones similar to menopause, and can lead to irrational behavior because of it. I don't know anything about women's issues, but could this be true? A medical thing?

[This message edited by JM72 at 5:42 PM, April 14th (Thursday)]

I was all about walking the line between the 180 and the principles of recovery with this but her latest bout of blameshifting leaves me ice cold. Fuck that.

Be strong brother. Lots of solid advice to heed in this thread.

Sending prayers & strength from central Jersey.

She's 44, a little young for menopause. But then I was thinking, she has had either a highly overactive or highly underachieving thyroid issue that has gotten worse over the years. They try up the dose, different things, but everytime she went to get blood work done, it was either the same, or worse.

Now I hear this can screw up your hormones similar to menopause, and can lead to irrational behavior because of it. I don't know anything about women's issues, but could this be true? A medical thing?

I'll be 44 next month and have been experiencing peri-menopause for a few years. I have had hot flashes, mood swings, night sweats, etc, but not once have I had the urge to screw someone outside my marriage.

Please don't be so quick to find excuses for her poor behavior.

lawyer up, brother

I find it easier to write out my emotions, should I write you a letter?

I said fine, write a letter.

Take the letter and tear it up or burn it without reading it in front of her.

Then today she starts with the texts about it "not being true about not respecting you", "we did have good times, a history together", "I want to write you a letter"

She talked to a lawyer and he probably laid out the reality of a divorce to her and how hard it will hit her financially. So, she is trying to dial the attacks down and pile up on the guilt.

[This message edited by kimichi at 8:04 PM, April 14th (Thursday)]

Yeah, well, that ain't happening kimichi.

I did forget to add, she said she wanted a separation to date other people, so I said - "you're telling me it's OK to go sleep with other women?"

She looks at me and doesn't respond. I ask again, no response. I ask a third time, and she says in a sparky tone - "yeah, go sleep with other women if that's what you want to do"

I wouldn't of course, I'm in no condition right now, and I need to work on myself first, but her responses were comical. How DARE I!?!?

Peri menopausal 46 year old here. My marbles are all still here. I think.

I'm gonna contact the attorney today and see if I can get a consultation.

I'm not trying to figure out her actions anymore, because I can't deal with crazy right now, but I continue to process everything, because yes, I'm determined to get answers.

I realized, when I did the 180 and detached, pretty much ignoring her, she changes and shows me respect.

"The more time that passes, the more I doubt a divorce is what I want"

"A divorce could be the biggest mistake I could make"

Smiling when she sees me, trying to approach me to give me hugs, telling a relative she is close with that she loves and misses me, telling others she doesn't want a divorce.

I wait a week and she wants to talk. I said let's talk. I break from the 180 and ask the tough questions, the questions that are on my mind -

What are we doing and where is our marriage going right now - "I'm not sure"

Are you still seeing someone else? - "I don't want to answer that"

Who is he? (I already knew) - "That's none of your business"

Things get heated and ugly, she says "I'll file the divorce papers tomorrow then". That was Wednesday night. Thursday morning, she leaves them in the same drawer they've been since she brought them home a month ago.

She texts me saying she would like to talk, but she gets nervous when I get upset, and it's easier to express her emotions in a letter. She asks if she can write me a letter? I say go ahead.

Today I wake up, and the divorce/dissolution papers are exactly where I thought they would be, in the same drawer. She doesn't want a divorce I think, but she's so out of her mind, I can't even communicate with her.

I do the 180, detach, show her no attention and shun her, she acts loving and respects me.

I break 180, show her my emotions (I know, I know), show her I care, and she gets angry.

So, show her no attention - she's drawn to me

Show her I care - pushes her away

Yeah, bat-shit crazy....

I should take her divorce papers to her work, dropped them on her desk, say - "You keep forgetting these at home. You need to file, remember?"- then turn and walk away.

She'll probably take me out for steak and lobster.

friend

It's obvious that she wants to continue the affair and stay married to you so that she can come back to you when she's finished. it's obvious. that's why she wants a "separation" to see how she feels. That just means she wants to continue screwing this guy. That's it.

Are you willing to let your wife screw around?

There is really only one thing for you to do.

1. Tell her you're not willing to have a wife who's screwing around on you. Either she stops or you file for divorce.

2. and then file for divorce.

This situation in which YOU wait for her to file for divorce is stupid. She never will. That requires her to do something she doesn't want to do. I repeat, she wants to screw around behind your back, and have you be OK with it.

You really need to give the ultimatum and kick her off the fence.

Good luck.

[This message edited by mike7 at 9:42 AM, April 15th (Friday)]

I would quit trying to figure out why my wife is acting the way she is because you could spend the next 100 years trying to figure out bat shit crazy. You could use any number of scenarios and still come up with the same result.

The main issue is your WW is disrespecting you, crapping all over what's left of your M & subjecting you to cuckold status.

Your WW has decided she wants to whore around and have you as the safe home base. If that's what you signed up for when you Married than stay with the current situation.

If you want to regain your self respect than toss the W to the curb. File for D yourself.

I think Mike7 is right.

It sounds like a typical Mid-life crisis in many ways. She wants to date and then come back to you. When she fears that isn't an option, she panics. When she thinks it is an option, she changed her tune.

What bothers me is something that sounds like something her IC told her: "You are not going to end a 25 year marriage over night" There are more than a few ways to interpret that.

They imply she is preparing for an open ended period of time where you are in limbo at best.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 10:10 AM, April 15th (Friday)]

She doesn't want a divorce I think, but she's so out of her mind, I can't even communicate with her. Yeah, bat-shit crazy....

JM72

It's obvious that she wants to continue the affair and stay married to you so that she can come back to you when she's finished. it's obvious. that's why she wants a "separation" to see how she feels. That just means she wants to continue screwing this guy. That's it.

mike7

She’s not crazy. She wants an open marriage where only she gets to date other people. She wants a stable and familiar home to come back to between dates. She wants to keep her lifestyle and not pay you alimony.

What’s so crazy about that? She gets all the above until you're divorced. She even knows that you will not date other people. Why in the world would she file?

The question is what is there about you that makes her think she can get a deal like that from you.

Why can’t you file for divorce?

[This message edited by Graywolf at 10:17 AM, April 15th (Friday)]

So, show her no attention - she's drawn to me

Show her I care - pushes her away

Yeah, bat-shit crazy....

Not exactly crazy JM.

I don't think she wants you anymore (sorry to be harsh), she's not in love with you any longer.

If you show her no attention and your 180 side, she thinks you're all OK with this. Therefore, she's not such a bad guy after all. See? JM is fine....Uh-O, now he's not even talking to me - oh no, that must mean I'm bad.

I can't look at myself in the mirror and see that I'm bad..... because, because, because I only want to have some fun.

Who's JM to tell me I can't have fun?

I'll be a bit nicer and let him down gently then all will be ok.

He'll see that I am nice, and he will be OK

...... Oh no, JM as misinterpreted my 'letting him down gently' for me wanting to R.

Sh*t.... I don't want that at all - I better back off the nice, and put my foot down again.... then he'll see that I'm serious about this.

I really have no desire to R, because, because, because I only want to have fun.

- and around and around it goes.

I think she's done JM.

Even if Rapster doesn't work out, she's moving on.

She told you this.

She wants to hurt you enough to make you take her seriously..... but not too much to make out to everyone that she is a monster.

Sorry. That's my take.

But, but, but, I'm a middle-aged, middle-classed-menopausal-mad-old-bat....... so what do I know?

Chin up JM.

Just divorce her and put both of you out your miseries.

Sorry.... MOB

Mike 7 hit it on the head.

She's your prototypical cake-eater. She wants your support (financial, social, etc.), but also to have her second ego kibble source.

She won't pick one or the other. Why would she? She's getting ego kibbles from both of you, with no consequences, whatsoever (you getting mad? Doing the 180? She doesn't give a shit).

I realized, when I did the 180 and detached, pretty much ignoring her, she changes and shows me respect.

"The more time that passes, the more I doubt a divorce is what I want"

"A divorce could be the biggest mistake I could make"

She's not showing you respect. Not one iota. She's still seeing the OM for crying out loud. How is that respect?

The only reason she starts to give you the BS line about doubting divorce, is because she's not getting ego kibble from you. So, she gives you a line to keep you on the hook, and what happens? You start paying attention to her. BAM! Ego kibbles.

Of course she's not going to file for divorce. She doesn't want that - she wants more ego kibbles and sending you packing means she gets less.

She's just filling you with bullshit words. Her actions? Still seeing the OM.

Always listen to the actions, not the words.

My advice? Stop talking to her. Stop demanding anything from her. Ignore HER divorce papers. Go see a lawyer, and file your own divorce papers.

I do have some experience with this -

She's 44, a little young for menopause. But then I was thinking, she has had either a highly overactive or highly underachieving thyroid issue that has gotten worse over the years. They try up the dose, different things, but everytime she went to get blood work done, it was either the same, or worse.

Now I hear this can screw up your hormones similar to menopause, and can lead to irrational behavior because of it. I don't know anything about women's issues, but could this be true? A medical thing?

I was around 35-36 when the perimenopause started. My doctor didn't even consider that it could be menopause - I was too young. I had panic attacks, hormone ups and downs made me snappy, and the last thing I wanted was sex. That is when my WH had his 1 year PA with my "friend". I switched doctors, found a woman OB/GYN, she diagnosed it, put me on HRTs, I felt so much better.

So - menopause can happen at a young age, but it doesn't make you cheat. I am also hypothyroid (treated) and that didn't make me cheat either.

Right now she has the excitement of dating, of having an affair and also has the stability of a husband and family.

Really the best of both worlds. The reason she doesn't want you dating is it shakes up the stability that you provide.

I don't think she's going to file for divorce. Why should she?

It boils down to this: are you willing to stay married to a woman screwing another man? Yes or No?

That's your call to make.

Mike,

It's obvious that she wants to continue the affair and stay married to you so that she can come back to you when she's finished. it's obvious. that's why she wants a "separation" to see how she feels. That just means she wants to continue screwing this guy. That's it.

I said these same things back on the 21st and the 23 of March. She is playing the same game she did back then. She gives him a little bit and he feels some hope based on that and then she takes a mile. As I said on the 23 why should she stop. I would bank money even if the files or just gets a copy of the papers she will just give him another bread crumb and she will have him hanging for a while longer.

My xW pulled this same crap on me. Sometimes people are not ready to call it until they are pushed.

C