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Ah the famous "can we be friends speech"!!!!

This serves two purposes for her.

1-Gets rid of some of the guilt

2-she uses it to protect her reputation "see we're friends he's fine with what I've done".

Your reply should be look up the definition of friend: trustworthy, loyal, honest.

You don't qualify, sorry.

The letter will be nothing but worthless cheater script.

I'm glad you're finally seeing the light.

If you can get and stay strong it will be much better on you going through this.

I get it. Shocking!! Like you're in a nightmare that you can't wake up from.

Now you're awake. You must take steps to deal with reality.

It's you and the kids.

I know, and I thought the same thing before you even wrote it.

My friends don't lie, cheat, steal, and stab me in the back.

Glad to see you're on it.

Was worried there for a bit.

I know my story may be getting old and tiresome, but I have to share some of the insane lunacy on here that I have to deal with. After her going out all night and coming home at 1:00 in the afternoon, I get this text while I'm in my AA meeting -

BTW, I won't send you texts anymore since you refuse to respond to them anyway. Sorry to bother you. You love to punish me. I also noticed you stopped doing the dishes while I was out. Another punishment. Was nice having the help for a few months, but no worries, I got it. That's it, I'm done nagging at you. No more, don't worry. I'll only text if it has to do with the kids

You can't make this stuff up. I'm punishing her because I refuse to deal with her craziness? She's complaining about the dishes not done while she stays out all night?

And tonight she's going out for drinks with her high school friend. I have to go get my daughter once I get out of work.

Keep me in your prayers.

If you haven't done so already, start documenting all this stuff. It will show you as the responsible parent and caretaker as she goes out partying all the time. Write it down and print it off. Keep it in a safe file at work where she can't find it. This kind of stuff can help your lawyer build a custody case in your favor.

All the best JM

Stay dark. Maybe move her shit out of the bedroom and into the spare. You have taken off your wedding band? Correct.

Have you separated finances?

Must do!!!

[This message edited by Marc878 at 10:29 PM, April 16th (Saturday)]

She is used to playing the victim to get her way?

Pretty classic.

Redox - absolutely. We've always loved each other, it's been 27 years, but she will NOT own up to anything. She's too stubborn. It's why I posted time & time & time again on here about her blaming me for most of the negative/hard times we've gone through.

It's classic codependency behavior in regards to anger and resentment. She said a few years ago during an argument- "I don't have too many problems in my life, except for the problems you create"

About 4-5 months ago, she basically said the same thing during an argument. She's going down the list of the times I screwed up or made mistakes. I said, "I understand that. I made mistakes. What about the good things I do?" - she said "It's not alot".

This is the shit I was hoping she might address with counseling, but I have a feeling she's telling her counselor a version of our history where I'm the vallain, and she's the abused, neglected wife, so what's the point? It's not like she's going to admit to any faults.

The shitty thing is, our 2 youngest (daughters) are very close to her. I feel like I would be tearing their world apart if I fought for custody and took them away.

I hate her for doing this to this family and those kids.

She just got home 10 minutes ago, didn't even try to talk to me, and then got in her car and left.

I feel like I would be tearing their world apart if I fought for custody and took them away.

On the other hand, what message are you sending by not fighting for them and leaving them to "learn" from such a stellar example of morality?

Fight for them. When they're mature enough to understand, they'll understand.

[This message edited by setecastronomy at 10:55 PM, April 16th (Saturday)]

It's just still so hard for me to adjust to. 20 years of being a great mother, and 3 months of just losing her mind and taking off for the entire weekend.

Please, really take a look at those 20 years. Great, really?

If you toe'd the line, maybe.

Seriously, she's playing a game. Honestly, you were a better partner than you are believing. 180, please. As it is meant to be done. You keep saying you can't change her, yet you seem to keep waiting/trying.

Why?

I'm not trying to change her, I gave up a long time ago. Right now I'm just documenting everything and get stuff in order, and sharing some of her moronic behavior when I post about shit she's saying or doing.

It's stil so hard for me to adjust to. 20 years of being a great mother, and 3 months of just losing her mind

I still don't think you get it.

She's in an affair. Affairs are like an addiction..

Blameshifting is used to justify her action. If you read up everyone normally involved says it like they've been abducted by aliens. I've seen this first hand.

The only weapon at this time is exposure. You need to wake her up. Have you done any????

Yes she acting irrational. They for the most part all do.

Marc is right with what he said above.

My question;

How many other affairs has she had and how long ago ?

[This message edited by Western at 7:00 AM, April 17th (Sunday)]

how many other affairs has she had, and how long ago

One, about 21, 22 years ago. That one I understood, because my drinking was out of control. I wasn't working, drinking until 2:00-3:00 in the morning, sleeping until 2:00-3:00 in the afternoon, and she was working full time, going to school to get her degree, and taking care of our son by herself. There was so much neglect and mental abuse going on from my drinking, the affair was almost justified. She had no help, no support, and was doing everything on her own.

I sobered up when she took my son and left. 3, 4 months into sobriety, she broke down, and came clean about the affair. We started to put things back together, but emotions on both sides were still so raw, we struggled. Everytime we hit a rough patch, me finding a decent job to support the family, she would turn back to him for comfort and support. The affair lasted about 2 years, and went about 1 1/2 years into my early sobriety.

What didn't make sense to me at the time was, the guy she was having the affair with was a bad alcoholic. He had multiple DWI's, lost his license for 10 years, and had a criminal record for multiple assaults. He was a violent drunk.

None of that mattered to her. It was all about how HE made HER feel at the time.

For the 100th time, unaddressed, untreated codependency issues.

[This message edited by JM72 at 9:11 AM, April 17th (Sunday)]

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.

All you can do is fix/take care of yourself and kids.

She has to fix her own shit.

The thing you need to do is find the best way out of this for yourself.

Many times the only way to save a marriage is to be willing to end it. If that doesn't wake her up there's probably nothing to save anyway.

Easier said than done. As you've discovered.

You must get strong plan out your actions and follow them through. Doing the180 is good but you need a plan for yourself.

Do this exercise. Go back and Reread your thread from the start. Pretend it's a friend and he's asking you for advice. What would you tell him????

[This message edited by Marc878 at 4:38 PM, April 17th (Sunday)]

Oh, I know who or what I'm dealing with at this point.

After staying out all night Friday night, and I had to find someone to watch our daughters, she came home Saturday at 1:00 in the afternoon. Texted me at my meeting that I was "punishing her" because the sink was full of dishes.

She also texted and said she took $40 from my account to go have drinks with her friend (posting pictures on FB from the bar). She came home and gave me $20.

We paid the credit cards down with our joint tax return. I went grocery shopping today for the week and used the credit card that is in both our names, and we both pay. I get the following text -

I want that card back. I didn't give it to you so you can use it for your personal needs at Shoprite and Wawa and then I have to figure out how to pay it down

I get home from the store with my ear buds in, listening and bopping to music as I put the groceries away. She's fuming. Finally I take the ear buds out. She wants the card. I tell her, I pay the bill as well, it's in my name as well, and I'm not your child. You may think I am, but I'm not.

I checked her call log. She called the card company to have the account closed.

This is my reality right now.

[This message edited by JM72 at 5:18 PM, April 17th (Sunday)]

I checked her call log. She called the card company to have the account closed.

JM72

You don't want a joint credit card with her anyway.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 6:43 PM, April 17th (Sunday)]