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I don't know, she seems to completely minimize her actions in all of this. So... after the one night they spent together and had sex, it was clear from other man's actions that he wanted more than just a manager/employee, type relationship? Didn't she kinda make that clear that she wanted the same thing? When she had sex with him? I don't like the letter. Maybe I'm just being a bitch.

Haha, I hear ya. She told me there were times that she felt uncomfortable with him during the A, but that there was a "high" almost by having the A and she didn't want that to end so she let him kiss her more and whatnot. It seems like she didn't want a relationship with him but she LOVED the attention and how it was "Against the rules". Idk. I know that she was involved and did all this and maybe she's lying about that stuff but as far as HR goes, I'm not sure it matters. I feel like they are going to care more about her telling him to stop and him not, than the actual A.

I think I agree with you. I think the important thing at this point is that she exposes to HR. Get the letter out there. Start a paper trail that this guy is bothering her, she's asked him to stop and he won't.

the true remorse may not be there yet, but I think it's a really big step in the right direction to report this to HR. Make sure she actually delivers it tomorrow.

good luck.

Thanks mike! I agree, she's doing it because she knows it's important to me, but it's still good. She'll get there, I hope.

Personally I doubt ANYONE is capable of true remorse early on.

Remorse definitely, but early days that remorse is a combination of “what have I done to Desert, my marriage, my career...” and other factors. It’s a combination of regret and remorse and AT LEAST partially self-centered.

True remorse is when the WS looks at the BS and ONLY thinks “I am SO SORRY I caused this person so much pain that is ONLY due to MY selfish actions”. It’s accepting the TOTAL blame and realizing that the damage is pure, extensive and immense.

I don’t think many people – if any – are capable of that until well along the path out of infidelity.

Yeah, i think once she REALLY figures out why it will start that true remorse. It will make it super clear that she is/was broken and that allowed her to do this terrible thing. I'm a little nervous for her today but happy this piece will be behind us, one way or another. Thanks for all the help everyone!

Correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t you guys seek counsel regarding exactly how to proceed with HR?

Is writing a letter the route they suggested and if so, is this the content recommended?

I hope addressing HR brings some of the resolution that you are looking for however, I hope that you will also establish hard and fast boundaries. As important as these work issues are, they also serve as a distraction from the sad matter at hand.

You will be processing this for a long time and have yet to reach the full-on anger stage. This is when the rubber will meet the road and your wife better be ready to reassure you, then reassure you, then reassure once again, that she is your champion and advocate and will face the consequences (which she brought upon her selfish head) with humility and abounding understanding of your feelings.

You not only sound like a really, really good and decent dude but also a thorough thinker. You have studied the shit storm you are living with the focus of a scientist but IMO, have NOT given your wife’s behavior the weight it deserves. You must start giving your perspective and your feelings and your emotions the respect they deserve. Know your value and your worth. And know that you have tremendous support from your SI family.

Thanks so much! Yeah, i think at the very least it will just be one less thing for me to obsess over. Maybe i can get back to being productive at my own job, haha. Counsel recommended not telling them at all. She is going to do a face to face meeting with them and then send this in an email after the meeting along with a timline of events.

Yeah, Ive only been angry like two times so far. Im a pretty level headed guy so even being angry this many times is abnormal. I definitely wont bottle up any emotion though. I stopped caring if my wife doesnt like what I'm saying. She has just been listening and absorbing herself so I do think we're making progress.

I also see what you mean about giving her actions more credence. I honestly still have trouble believing/understanding that she did this to me and us.

So are you buying this story that she is trying to feed HR?

If she truly wanted this over she would resign. Not go to HR and try to pin it all on the OM. She was just as responsible, aND this letter is completely blaming him and letting her off the hook.

That's fine if that's the route you want to take but i wouldn't be surprised if you are back here again because some guy was making her uncomfortable and she liked the high. She won't take responsibility for that one either.

The letter serves its purpose. In no way should she go diving into her "feelings" about her boss during the A. A letter to HR is not the appropriate place to do that. Seems factual enough to me for its intent. Let's just hope she turns it in.

The letter is to HR has less to do about the affair than it does about the harassment after it has ended. HR doesn't give two fucks about hers or mine personal lives. All they care about is what is going on at the office and what negative effect it has on the business. An undisclosed relationship between a boss and subordinate can be problematic for them in the future, so they don't want that. That's the only reason they want to know about the affair at all. The letter uses it to create context to his comments and continual pursuit. If she hadn't had the consensual affair with him, I doubt he would be this persistent.

She openly admits to it being a two way street in regards to the affair and will say so when asked today. The letter is her formal complaint against her manager for the harassment she is receiving. I'm sure the affair will be spoken about but I will be shocked if that is the primary topic during her chat with HR. They are going to care more about the harassment after she ended things.

Long story short, if she was telling me it was all his fault, no I would not believe her. That isn't her story to HR (if they want to know everything) but the letter isn't about that piece of it so much.

Turn- Yeah she checked HR's meeting schedule and they are free all day. She wants to do it this morning after her 9:30am meeting. She's leaving on a trip to Vietnam with her girlfriend on Sat, and wants to give HR time to question her and whatnot before she leaves. It needs to happen this morning.

Maybe I'm just paranoid, but something may not add up. On 11/11, you said OM was traveling. How long has your wife been planning on traveling? Do you know the GF? Is she a friend of the M?

May not be anything, but how hard would it be for them to meet up.

Are you ok with her traveling?

OM is a boss she met around a year ago and started working for in June. Her friend is a friend of hers from highschool who I know very very well. I'm fine with her traveling. I don't trust her that much but I do think she wants this to work out. He ended up not traveling too I guess, she told me he was in the office this morning, so I'm glad she is doing this.

Oh! She just texted! She had her conversation with HR. They were very understanding and said they would conduct an investigation and reach resolution before the week ends.

Oh! She just texted! She had her conversation with HR. They were very understanding and said they would conduct an investigation and reach resolution before the week ends.

She is traveling to Vietnam with a gf with all of this going on...

That sounds rather odd, I would think she would be on pins and needles instead of traveling around the world at this time.

Oh! She just texted! She had her conversation with HR. They were very understanding and said they would conduct an investigation and reach resolution before the week ends.

DM,

Glad you reached this stage in a way that worked for you...and your wife...although it feels a bit strange to add her into the decision making process.

You played this out the best way that you could given the parameters that you set for yourself.

I can read the relief you feel in finally reaching this first milestone of potentially getting her in NC with POS.

Think strategically in putting together your next steps of what you need from her. Bigger's "how to" get to your chosen destination.

I say think strategically because otherwise you may continue this linear thinking where this one tactical thing needed to be done before you could take a next step.

NC with the POS is the goal that hopefully will be delivered by her meeting with HR. And that is a hugely important goal.

Hang in there.

Timeless- Yeah, once NC is achieved, I need her to figure her shit out. We can continue MC and whatnot but I need to hear from her why she allowed this to happen. I know she was unhappy and was just tired of the general day to day. She needed more from our relationship (relationships are work and neither of us was working on ours at all). This is more than I have heard from her in a while on it but it still isn't what made her feel it acceptable to cheat.

To me, this is the next piece that has to happen for me to feel safe enough to want to try to make this work, long term.

Craig-She had this planned and booked a while ago. I don't think it's a bad thing, either. It will give us both a week of space.

Oh! She just texted! She had her conversation with HR.

55 days since your first post. Step 1 of NC is becoming a reality.

This infidelity journey is making stuff

LMAO, yes, yes it is. It's kinda nice that he has been a pig though. Made the meeting more about him harassing her and less about the A. I guess waiting was good on that regard?