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Sorry for t/j, but this last name thing can be a chink in your M. Especially if it bothers her.

Let me go into predator mode, all I have to do to get a WW to turn is to find something that is a little off in the M and exploit it. Nothing too subtle, just something to get her thinking.

Now back the beginning of this tread, I always wondered the real reason for the confession?

She didn't have to tell you, you would have never known. Could be guilt, but my initial thought was a "shit test". Just to see how you would react.

Somewhere she has the idea are you real the guy I want to look up to? Maybe the OM put this idea in her head or maybe it has always been there.

There is always a real reason someone says IDK to a question, they either don't want to tell you or they feel you should partly know the answer.

Have you asked her if deep down does she respect you in the marriage, and does she respect you as her husband.

This is either yes or no....I don't know is a real bad answer.

DM you have a long way to go to get to a true R,

good luck.

Thanks for sharing. I asked because my wife also kept her maiden name after we married. I agree with you and never found it a big deal. I never pressured her to change it and it didn't bother me either, even when our day care assumed she was a single mom because my son took my name...until OM insinuated it was some indication that she must not really care about being married to me. What Affairofpast just mentioned, basically. It was another way to worm his way into her insecurities.

I've asked her to change it now as a condition for R, mainly because of that, but am not rushing it.

Yeah, she doesnt look at it like that at all. I told her it was her choice and she chose to keep her name. I really truly think that she chose to come clean to me because she really was torn the whole time. On the one side were ego kibbles and the rush of doing something taboo and the other is me, her loving (perhaps boring) husband who she does love. She has said she felt guilty and torn through the whole thing with OM and eventually the guilt won out.

I think it's interesting both your takes on the name thing. I never would have thought about it like that. The worst thing that has come from it is how little her family listens or cares because everything is address ww my last name, haha. This includes her parents (after they were corrected btw).

I honestly didn't think about like that until I was told it was a manipulation tactic used by OM against me. I'd have never given it a second thought if infidelity didn't occur. Indicentally, now I look to my married friends whose (for all I know) faithful wives were all too eager to become Mrs. Husbands-Last-Name and can't help but wonder if there's a correlation, but I try not to dwell on it.

This is an interest side topic really. My wife kept her last name also, and the OM, supposedly very religious said that since she did that, that we were not married.

When I confronted the OM about this, he said the same thing...good thing this was on the phone and notin person, because his attitude really angered me.

I feel like some people feel super strongly about having the same last name (men and women). They view it as making a "real" family etc. The origins are simply that this women is now this man's and they share a name now so everyone knows, haha. I think cheaters that use this as an excuse to cheat, are really grasping at straws. It's a ridiculous reason. To say you're not really married, haha. The IRS thinks we are, the law says we are, haha.

Craig, my WW's OM was also very religious. When they weren't swapping spit he'd be guilt-tripping her for being a sinner or sending her scripture. Makes me wonder if he used the same line of reasoning.

But I have to agree with Desert. It's faulty reasoning and they're just using whatever they can to cast doubt.

I really truly think that she chose to come clean to me because she really was torn the whole time. She has said she felt guilty and torn through the whole thing with OM and eventually the guilt won out.

Desertmirage

If you’re chronically doing something then something usually has to happen for you change. It’s like meaning to go on a diet for years but don’t until some kid calls you fat.

The most common and logical reason for confessing “out of the blue” is getting out if front of your spouse finding out. Someone saw them together or the other spouse found out and told them to confess.

Idk. It really sounds like she wasn't happy about what was going on. She loved the "high" and ego kibbles but as far as cheating on me she didn't like it. I would liken it more to eating out at a restaurant that you don't really like but keep going back because it's convenient or whatever and eventually you just get sick of going and stop going there.

There is no other spouse and my wife doesn't think anyone knows from her office and I don't see who would have told me if she didn't.

Edit: This is all speculation on all of our parts. There is no way to know for sure what my wife was thinking/feeling but I don't think her explanation is too far-fetched to just be deemed untrue and there MUST be something else going on.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 11:23 AM, November 17th (Thursday)]

She lied during her confession it was a drunken one-night stand, the only reason you found out more than that was members here told you the story made no sense. So I discount her "feeling guilty" reason. More likely someone from work knew about the one night, she worried the person might spill to you, so she gave you the "drunken one-night" story. That's my opinion and I'm sticking with it unless a more plausible reason is discovered.

I remember too I think she had other so-called one-night drunken shenanigans in the past when you were not there. A wedding, wasn't it?

Now she is away on a vacation with a good long-time friend (implication - she'd never cheat with a good "true" friend (it is a she, right?) (not like those "fake" friends from the wedding who let her cheat). On vacation, far away, still in the stress and confusion of figuring out with her therapist if she loves you enough to stay married or not.

Desert, I'm not trying to bust your balls over this, I know you want it to be going great, but I honestly don't see it the same way you do. I think you are seeing with rose-colored glasses.

Yeah, she TT me about this whole thing for a bit (just telling me about the sex time, then the beach house, then the rest of it).

The wedding was a kiss at a bar after and I was there. I almost got into a fight with the kid but just ended up shoving him onto the floor and leaving. Her trip is with her good female friend, yes. She is no longer in IC with that therapist. We are only doing MC now, but we spoke about that last night and it needs to change. She needs help from someone good to figure her shit out and I need someone to work with me too.

I see what you are saying. I don't think things are great or even good. Just better than last week, haha. My mind has been more clear this week than it has since this all came to light. Idk.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 11:39 AM, November 17th (Thursday)]

Her trip is with her good female friend

Is the "good female friend" single? If married is she happy with her husband? What do two female friends do on vacation?

Her friend is single. She has a hard time keeping a boyfriend because she moves from country to country for work.

What do two male friends do on vacation? Lol, they are planning on going sightseeing and traveling around. I have no clue if my wife is going to sleep with someone while there. I don't see it as being any riskier than if she stayed home. I'm not her keeper or warden so if she wants to fuck someone, she has plenty of opportunity (clearly...).

I see zero remorse when it comes to your wife. Zero.

She put off..And put off...going to HR...knowing how it made you feel.

She breaks down in the other man's office,giving him the opportunity to comfort her. Make no mistake here, she did that on purpose. She could have excused herself..she didn't. She wanted his comfort.

She was more concerned about the possibility that she would resent you if she went to HR, than she was that you were resenting her.

And now she's away on a trip. I don't care that this has been planned for awhile. Any remorseful WS would have declined, and stayed home, working to repair the enormous damage they caused...reassuring their BS..etc. But not your ww. She's on vacation.

I agree...you have rose colored glasses. Reality is going to hit you with a vengeance.

I would liken it more to eating out at a restaurant that you don't really like but keep going back because it's convenient or whatever and eventually you just get sick of going and stop going there.

That is not correct.

It is more like being addicted to heroin or cocaine. The addict hates it but it feels good. So they continue to do it, because it feels good.

Convenience is not the answer, convenience for what, a quickie. No, it was the addiction to the high.

And it seems she wants these highs. WHY did she stop IC, she hasn't even figured out her problem or the why she did this.

I'm not her keeper or warden so if she wants to fuck someone, she has plenty of opportunity (clearly...).

Everyone has plenty of chances, but most people do not do this...she has done this at least twice now and it sounds like you do not trust her.

No you cannot be her keeper, but is that how you want to live your life with her, wondering all the time.

She needs to get herself figured out and fix the problem, and going around the world is not the answer.

We only have what Desert shares about his wife.

She’s not the first wayward that has to be led to water.

I think you are heading in a good direction Desert. I think you are being relatively realistic.

Yes your wife needs a lot of work, and it’s taken quite some time to get where you two are.

No, you will never find or get a reasonably sensible or logical reason for the affair.

No, the wife not being Mrs. Mirage is not the reason she cheated.

No, two women traveling will not necessarily hit on anything and everything that moves.

Use the time she’s away wisely Desert. Remember the BS mantra: Pray for sun but prepare for rain.

Really think long and hard how you want a marriage to be and if this woman is the one you think will help you reach that goal.

Yeah I don't trust her. Why should I? To me, it is what it is right now. She can cheat if she wants and I won't know. Doesn't matter if she's here or there.

Her IC was trash. Didn't help her with anything and recommended that she not tell me about all this.

What I want out of marriage is someone who respects and loves me as much as I do them. I want to be able to trust them to do the right thing and them have mine, and our marriages best interest when they make decisions (as I do theirs). I don't see how, at this point, my wife can make me believe that she offers any of these things. She has proven the exact opposite. Her actions were entirely based on self interest and she didn't give two fucks about how it would affect me or our marriage. She says she's willing to do whatever to make this right but I don't even know what to tell her besides, fix your shit.

Yeah I don't trust her. Why should I?

What do you think of this gf she is going with?

it is impossible to know what goes on when you do not trust someone. She could meet some guy in a bar there in Vietnam, a brit, an American who knows.

You already said you will not be in contact with her, because I believe she says there will be no wifi or cell phone where they are staying.

I just think the entire situation is rather nonchalant on her end and maybe yours.

She's nice. I like her. Not the greatest influence (she can be extremely self centered) but otherwise she's fine.

I'll be able to chat with her on skype a few nights. Not all the hotels have wifi but a few of them do.

Perhaps to the nonchalant part. If she cheats she cheats and then I'll know easily what to do. I don't think she will though.

You didn't think she would cheat the first time...

She has TT'd you, and TBH it's all about her. Has HR responded further? Surprised if they haven't. Situations like this HR usually acts swiftly.

I agree with others, she does not show remorse. Maybe regret, but certainly not remorse. This trip she is going on, if she was concerned for you, and regardless your opinion she should have cancelled it to work on herself and the marriage. She is very selfish.

I think this is just the tip of the iceberg, and you are the Titanic. You do seem to nonchalant about the course you are taking. You talk good, but as with all things it is action, not words.

Best wishes

[This message edited by Killian at 2:40 PM, November 17th (Thursday)]