SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Shit, my fWW was scared to death (as was the OM) that I'd go after him and put a serious hurt on him...I'm a vet with extensive weapons experience and personal arsenal.

The only thing that saved him from me taking my Louisville Slugger to his legs was his disabled wife that needs him to help take care of her.

It didn't take much to impress upon him the seriousness of the NC policy.

Desert,

Since you know she went to HR then this is a moot point. However…

Your attitude on whether she saw HR or not is correct. If she did, good. If she didn’t… well… OK… it’s a message too.

Telling HR isn’t anything more than a tool to help your marriage reconcile. It’s probably a milestone or a task, but it’s not the destination.

If – say 2 days from now – you discover she’s lying… Great. It tells you that she’s not on board with reconciliation and you alone can carry on out of infidelity.

If, however she’s telling the truth then great! You two can together take a few more steps on your path.

The key is being situationally aware and be willing to react to whatever outcome appears.

And yes – you are allowed to feel compassion and concern to her worries. Telling HR wasn’t revenge, it was a tool to reconciliation. Yes – reconciliation from infidelity SHE created, but by signing on to reconciliation you too committed to creating a great marriage. If she’s working to that goal – it’s better to pull together. You definitely are entitled to remind her that you two are dealing with the consequences of her actions, and you are definitely entitled to remind her that shes not entitled to feel sorry for herself, but undeniably whatever consequences telling HR might have they will impact you, your marriage and her. Hopefully in a positive way long-term.

Regarding her trip. Great too.

I personally see no reason to stop it or prevent. In fact, you could use it as a great tool for BOTH of you to gather your wits and decide how to progress. In fact – I would suggest you two agree to minimal contact and use the time to realize if you miss each other. But… I will get back to the journey again…

I think people need to keep in mind what’s known of your WW affair: One known physical OM, you don’t have reason to suspect there were others previous or since (although there were possible inappropriate interactions with other men), she sought IC after the affair and before you knew, she came and confessed. You don’t really have reasonable doubt to suspect she will be doing the concierge or the next exciting man she meets. And frankly Desert – IF that was the case then NOW would be the ideal time to realize that. Before you have even more committed to reconciliation.

Regarding the trip: I think way too many couples forget to have FUN and adventures together. I’m always a bit surprised when I hear of spouses off on long vacations alone, or going out with the boys/girls for a drink or spending all their free-time on a one-sided hobby. Personally I am an AVID fly-fisher. I tie my own patterns, wind my own leaders, build my own rods… But I take care to ensure the time I spend on my hobby is time that is NOT taken away from family or the marriage. Both my wife and I might go meet friends for a drink, but the general pattern of our socializing, travelling and adventures is TOGETHER. Keep that in mind Desert: maybe too much emphasis has been placed on the business aspect of the marriage and not enough on the fun part. Next vacation should include YOU and her in the photos…

Thanks a lot Bigger! You're the best! Yeah, the great part about Vietnam (besides it's Vietnam) is that there is next to no cell service and she will not have access to email or wifi most of the time. Some of her hotels will have wifi so we will prob skype then but that will be it.

We do almost always travel and socialize together (and we travel A LOT!). I actually think the large amount of travel we do, while fun, has negatively impacted our relationship. We don't spend enough time at our home just enjoying each other. It seems like every weekend we are off somewhere with another couple or visiting friends or family and whenever we are home it's always rushed catching up on household stuff that we didn't do previously because we were away. Very little weekend alone time. I plan on changing this, this coming year and seeing how it impacts us.

This trip is really about her visiting her best friend who she hasn't seen in forever (her friend moved to work in Guatemala a couple years ago and we see her only when she comes back state side). She is MY WIFE'S friend. I know the other woman well and we get along great but she is my wife's friend. And I agree with you on it's fine that she travels. It was a planned trip, not a "let me get away from all of this now" deal.

Great call on when she refuses to do things that tells us something too. She is very stressed at them moment, and while yes, it is her doing, she IS stressed and fearful. It's hard to talk to her when she gets stressed and frustrated (she doesn't handle it well). I think I should wait til she returns to start pushing other pieces. Let the dust of this settle.

Thanks to everyone else too for your support. I am not a physical specimen by any means so if he was in my house and we went at it, I would probably lose unless I had something to beat his face in. I know this, she knows this, so I'm in a bit of different situation than Ordinary and others, haha. Crossfitting though! Maybe sometime soonish I could hold my own, haha.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 8:46 AM, November 16th (Wednesday)]

She is more scared of how OM will react. Will he come to our house etc.

He will show up there, only if he has a death wish.

You say you are no physical specimen, you will be surprised what anger and adrenaline will do for a person.

Her trip is fine and dandy, it just seems to me that her worry is a little phony since she is off for a wonderful trip. It seems to me she likes escapism and that could be a problem in the future.

So by Friday, you will know from HR what their conclusion is, that should be the main concern now.

Her worry about the OM, does she think he is a physical danger?

Craig- Lol, we'll see. I used to frame houses so I know what strong feels like, and I am NOT that, haha. Adrenaline only can do so much...

I think she'll be able to take a break from all this when she gets to the airport, but for the next few days I understand. She is scared physically of him. She has nothing to base it on, but she doesn't know him well enough to know how he reacts to things. She knows he doesn't take any responsibility for negative things that happen to him or by him so he will most definitely blame "that bitch" instead of looking and seeing it was his fault too. And if drunk or whatever, who knows... It's anyone's guess. I spent a few hours, when I first learned of her cheating, googling the guy to see if he was married, where he lived, how old he was, what he looked like (I didn't pay him much mind when I met him in person), etc. and didn't find much of anything about him. I think there would have been mention of arrests and stuff with all the digging I did, so that bodes well. He prob doesn't have a record or anything (at least nothing major).

Yeah, by Friday they will have made a decision on how they want to handle it. It's the unknown of if OM knows or not yet and stuff that is distracting. She also was exhausted yesterday night, so that played a role too (really late night the night before with us working on her letter and whatnot, not much sleep because of nerves and then anxiety all day yesterday). I get it; it's hard.

Dealing with all 3 of my wife's shit bags taught me one thing. They are all cowards. Low life scum. Can't face a single thing they have done or be any sort of human being. Emphasis on coward.

[This message edited by sneaker at 10:14 AM, November 16th (Wednesday)]

You said it Sneaker. It takes a person with 0 morals or responsibility to cheat on their spouse or with someone who is married. Even if I was single, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was dating or married. Just have to think for a second how you would like being cheated on to know how the other party feels.

I like that about coward though. I'll let my wife know. He seems like he is good at preying on those who are weak (my wife) so he may try to make her life miserable (if he's fired) but he doesn't know me at all. I could be a huge fun fanatic for all he knows.

She is scared physically of him.

That is not good. She doesn't know him well, yet she lets him put his arm around her last week in the office. She must know something. I just get the feeling she is not telling you everything, and that is never good.

That is a major consequence of an affair, it brings all kinds of weirdos in your life.

Didn't you say this guy is 20 years older than you or something like he is 60.

Cowards are one thing, but guys like him don't seem to have any common sense or be able to take responsibility for their actions.

At some point, if there is anything else, you should call him and put the fear of God in him.

Yah, he's 50ish. He has no common sense. If he did, he would have left my wife alone when she told him to. Now he has HR on his ass.

Yeah I was thinking about the weirdo aspect last night when she was so upset about him coming to our house, or my work or something. I was just thinking "Why they fuck did you fuck this guy that you're not sure will hurt you?? You brought this guy into OUR lives!!".

I really really don't think there is any more to this story than what she has told me. It really sounds like just flirting and stuff at work and then the sex and kissing/masturbation thing that other time and more kissing here and there. I don't think she spent enough time with him to really get to know him. More of a booty call kinda thing.

So shit bag #1, was a close family friend. After discovery and I told his wife he couldn't even muster the balls to communicate with me. However after a fact exchange with his wife he was so upset because it killed his "excuse/story" with hard facts that he sent an email to my wife which was meant for me.. Really you couldn't even type my email address in? He had it.

I had trouble contacting shit bag #2, he thought he was clever and blocked electronically and was a few states away. I sent him an email to his work address. And said you don't think I won't run a billboard sign outside your work and home about what you have done? Or fly my ass out there, rent a car, drive to his house and tell his wife? Do you think you can avoid this? So juvenile.

Shit bag #3, did the same he was a few states away and blocked all and put all private. I didn't even know much about him. But quick property search and marriage license search turned up gold including the wedding party and brides family info. Easy to call a sister or parent to get a phone number. Sent him an email and watched as he frantically attempted to get a hold of my wife through back door emails and phone calls even when I told him it was a no no and I was monitoring it.

All cowards...

P.S. If it wasn't for my empathy for their families which they had none obviously. I would have had a lot of fun posting personals on craigslist, garage sale ads, etc.. I had some great revenge planned.. Sadly I am not that kind of guy. And they are not worth any effort or time.

I don't think you have a lot to worry over. But yes you never know who is crazy out there. Only thing is I think she will now see him for his true colors when he realizes the fantasy land fuck is over and is less of that nice guy friend.

[This message edited by sneaker at 10:34 AM, November 16th (Wednesday)]

That's crazy, Sneaker. Yeah I thought I would feel amazing and great about him getting fired or whatever, but the whole thing just makes me sad. I really don't think revenge provides the nice feeling people hope for. It's kinda empty. All I'm happy about is he is going to be out of our lives. I really can't see him wanting anything to do with my wife again after she turned him in.

That's crazy, Sneaker.

Tell me about it.

On a good note. One part of my wife's WHYs was she had put these asshats on a pedestal (such good guys, family man, confident, charming, nice, etc..) and now she looks back at the whole thing and can't believe how she didn't see it for the reality of who they actual where and how the charm was really empty and just a tool to push the right buttons. And the confidence was fake because it wasn't public obviously. I could go on and on and on. Oh wait its because she saw what she wanted to see so it justified it as okay. Because and I quote "because in her mind at the time sleeping with a nice guy was okay"

P.S. She even dug a layer deeper and found that the attention didn't mean anything if she didn't elevate these guys up in her mind. You know they had to be important so the good job was meaningful.

[This message edited by sneaker at 10:45 AM, November 16th (Wednesday)]

Him coming to your work, wow, that would be great and delicious.

You would have your coworkers as a witness, call the cops, file a civil suit whatever.

Does this guy even know that you know of the affair and the types of sex?

Does this guy know you are mad as hell?

I wonder what your wife told him. But the best revenge is this guy having to live his life looking over his shoulder every day for you to show up at HIS PLACE.

How could she call them "family men" when they are willing to sleep with her? I can understand the "good guy" thing since she probably didn't think she was terrible and was doing the same thing as them, but "family men" just blows my mind. Having kids and a family doesn't automatically make you a family guy, haha.

Yeah she told him she had told me when she told him it was over. I'm sure she didn't go into detail of what she told me. I think she's more concerned if he shows up with a gun or something and flies off the handle. I think that scenario is outlandish but, heh, who knows!

How could she call them "family men" when they are willing to sleep with her?

Yes this blows both our minds.

But the minimization of a wayward is astounding and they compartmentalize what they want to see and discard or avoid what they don't want to see in their APs.

You know since they showed pictures of their kids, attended events, took them on trips, talked positive about families and values, etc.. They were such great guys. Waywards have blinders on and only see what makes them feel good about themselves and what they are doing.

She failed to recognize that the time they spent together was time they were robbing from the family. That they weren't friends because they were disposable to each other. And they were lying to their wives and kids. Risking the emotional and physical health of all families. Risking lively hoods. Etc.. Boy there is a list.

[This message edited by sneaker at 10:55 AM, November 16th (Wednesday)]

DI Congrads on HR.

Now the fallout. If I was betting, I doubt he will do anything outwardly illegal. After all if he is fired from this (Real possibility Boss/subordinate and has a previous Sex. Harass. history), the company can see him as a liability. Less chance with your wife.

But if he is fired, then now he has nothing to loose. Which comes back to Timeless and video; he may have to produce any sex videos done from his company phone, but all bets are off with personal smartphones.

Seriously not tryting to kick you, the HR was a big step for NC with WW. Just be prepared, too many opportuntities for him to do this i.e. drunk at the beachhouse at least once.

Remember, yes she confessed. But they rarely confess even when evidence is produced. Normally they deflect and minimize "we just kissed" mine she said we just talked.

Check out "Revenge Port" laws in your state, and what constitutes proof. It's one thing to be prepared if the angry OM shows up at your door only to be arrested, and another to release to all employees at her company, in which he is not longer at.

This guy to do what he did had to have a huge ego, not only to seduce her, but continue restart the A. Does he know where you work? Would your family be upset to see DIL in a sex video?

You still have not gotten to the truth or extent as to what truly she did with him in the honeymoon phase. Only she knows if she is possible in a sex vid. She may say no, and if she was drunk, maybe a true answer. The A is a drug, and allow the Waywards to do a lot of crazy shit, that they don't think will ever become public.

If the possibility is there, protect yourself. Do not ask her directly, state to he if there is video he took, can she handle it becoming public to Workers/Friend/Family.

Thanks for this. She was adamant that there were no pictures or video that she knew of. You're right about the beach house. She was too drunk to know if he took any then. Anyone's guess. CT does have revenge porn laws so if he releases things she doesn't know about, he can at least be prosecuted for it.

I have no idea if he knows where I work. He probably knows my last name (my wife and I have different last names) and since it's a family business, he could easily find it. Idk though, I think that prospect is not going to happen. He may feel like he has nothing to lose but going to jail on top of being fired is not good.

I think if such a video or imagery came to light my family would have to be informed as to why. I have not told them about this because I don't think they would forgive her. If they were told, they wouldn't be happy that there were images/video but they prob wouldn't feel too bad for her either.

I'm less concerned about this type of stuff. It would be not good for her, but it's all her fault.

Desert,

Sorry for t/j, just curious why you and your wife have different names?

Haha, np! I dont feel strongly about it at all and she was really torn. My mom actually kept her maiden name as well so i told ww to just keep hers too. I mean no offense, but to me it's kinda an outdated practice. It's essentially applying ownership of a person so I didnt care if she wanted to keep hers. That's all.

Edit: I know a lot of people like changung names and think it signifies a family, but with mine not being that way growing up and having a great childhood and family experience, i didnt feel it important.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 5:11 PM, November 16th (Wednesday)]