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Newest Member: FaithGrace

Just Found Out :
Punch to the Gut

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SMSA925 ( member #43955) posted at 9:57 PM on Wednesday, October 19th, 2016

Oh HELL NO. Let him call his whore, she can fit him in between the other dogs

Me: BS; b. 1958
Him: WH b. 1952
Together since 1982, Married 20yrs at DDay#1
DDay April 17, 2014; DD#2 2/15
My ducks lined up, life is good!

posts: 859   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Phila. PA
id 7688680
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HardyRose ( member #55069) posted at 10:12 PM on Wednesday, October 19th, 2016

And this is where your WH has a lesson in consequences. He fired you from the job of taking care of him the moment he started flirting with Candy. He made this choice. This is on him.

He could have had the best carer in the world to help him recover but he made stupid choices and now he doesn't. He will have to make do with Candy or Bob.

I know how hard this is as after Separation my WH had a personal issue and I just wanted to be there for him but I couldn't let myself get sucked back in.

You WH hasn't really taken responsibility for the A. He talks a lot about her pressuring him and him not knowing what to do. Is he in IC to figure out why he made such choices?

Even when he is asking about a 2nd chance he is asking you to talk through it with him, asking you why he isn't worth it. He should be trying to find out how to make himself a safe partner for you, the kind of partner you deserve and he isn't.

Stay strong TOC.

posts: 923   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 7688693
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soverybetrayed ( member #32948) posted at 10:37 PM on Wednesday, October 19th, 2016

Now see, I'd be more inclined to ask him if he tripped over a vagina in the road!!

Me- Happily single
Divorced 8/23/2012
I am stronger and better than before.

posts: 1358   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2011   ·   location: Texas
id 7688713
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treborwi ( member #52323) posted at 10:46 PM on Wednesday, October 19th, 2016

Can anyone say Karma? She is a mean bitch with a wicked sense of humor, for sure!!

Stay strong. He already told you he doesn't need you. Believe him.

posts: 295   ·   registered: Mar. 18th, 2016   ·   location: Wisconsin
id 7688720
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 TurnOtherCheek (original poster member #55194) posted at 10:46 PM on Wednesday, October 19th, 2016

CheaterMagnet - holy hell, that is some story about your WH. Wow, if near death doesn't change someone, nothing will.

Of course I feel bad. His son called me because of course WH is blocked. Evidently he was riding with earbuds and music going, which I always told him not to do and sure enough, was clipped by a car that sent him hurtling into a light pole. I always told him it wasn't safe to ride with earplugs! Aaaargggh.

I know you are all correct. Not my circus, not my monkey. Stupid monkey. Thanks everyone.

Me: BW x 2 - 53
Ist XWH: Married over 17 years, DD and DS (mine)
2nd XH: Also 53, DS (his), 8 yrs together
OW: Pet sitter
D-Day: 9/11/16
Divorced in 60 seconds flat. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591733

posts: 441   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2016
id 7688721
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 TurnOtherCheek (original poster member #55194) posted at 10:48 PM on Wednesday, October 19th, 2016

Now see, I'd be more inclined to ask him if he tripped over a vagina in the road!!

Me: BW x 2 - 53
Ist XWH: Married over 17 years, DD and DS (mine)
2nd XH: Also 53, DS (his), 8 yrs together
OW: Pet sitter
D-Day: 9/11/16
Divorced in 60 seconds flat. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591733

posts: 441   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2016
id 7688722
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devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 10:58 PM on Wednesday, October 19th, 2016

riding with earbuds and music going, which I always told him not to do and sure enough, was clipped by a car that sent him hurtling into a light pole

Holy shit, that is so poorly planned and executed that it's hilarious!

What's his next trick, the bacon wet-suit in the piranha tank?

(This said by the man with one eye and scarred up legs, all due to stupidity. They call me Lucky.)

Ok - here's the reality. He's fine. Yeah, he really is. He's not dead. Broken leg and scrapes and bruises won't kill him.

Plus, all of this, his A, getting caught, his upcoming D, getting hit, all of that is a direct result of him just thinking that he's smarter than everyone. The rules are different for him because he's a Special Flower.

Got a wife _and_ GF? Great idea. Also, take her to the store and a family dinner. Also, ride a bike with your ears covered and distracting music blasting into your head.

This, all of this, his whole life right now, is the direct result of a really shitty decision-maker in his head.

People on here talk about Karma, as if the Universe is going to slap one upside the head. But most of what they call Karma is really just the result of thinking that they're smarter than everyone else. His life right now is the result of bad decisions coming home to roost.

Gah, stay away for sure, he's the Titanic.

Me: 2xBS b 1962 xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.

posts: 5155   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2014   ·   location: Central USA
id 7688732
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wordsofwisdom ( member #54083) posted at 2:10 AM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016

TOC, gently I think you are playing with fire by focusing your mind on WH. My humble experience and observations tell me that our true healing requires our clear decision (100% and not 99.99999%) about which way we are heading. This decision is called commitment.

You shouldn't decide to end your relationships forever, but I honestly think that if you and your WH stay apart (both physically and mentally) for a predefined period of time (say half a year) you have a good chance to regain your self control and peace (and get passed a hot mess you are living right now).

One day discovered my wife chasing her old sweetheart. Wished her good luck and moved on to better things and people.
Divorced: Jan 2010

posts: 550   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2016   ·   location: East Coast
id 7688895
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HopefulJourney ( member #51566) posted at 3:25 AM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016

My first thought was, 'oh great, he was ogling some chick running, rammed the curb and flew off his bike'. You're doing great TOC

Me : BS (57) FWH (57)
Married 26 years
DS: 24, DS 22
Reconciled, doing well. WH still in therapy.
"And Still I Rise"~Maya Angelou

posts: 144   ·   registered: Jan. 29th, 2016   ·   location: Nevada
id 7688944
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ICaughtThem ( member #45041) posted at 3:43 AM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016

I guess he couldn't wait to be in an ambulance again? xox

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.

posts: 605   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2014   ·   location: USA
id 7688951
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antlered ( member #46011) posted at 4:33 AM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016

TOC,

Perhaps, if you feel overcome with feelings of wanting to help him, you could send a big bouquet of flowers to his hospital room.

Because flowers make everything better.

Heck they would fix things even if you had put him there yourself by breaking his legs with a baseball bat. So you could have some free time to have fun for yourself or something...

edited to quote WOW's good advice from above:

TOC, gently I think you are playing with fire by focusing your mind on WH. My humble experience and observations tell me that our true healing requires our clear decision (100% and not 99.99999%) about which way we are heading. This decision is called commitment.

Focus on you.

[This message edited by antlered at 10:37 PM, October 19th (Wednesday)]

"Being cheated on was at once the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me.

"There is a huge amount of strength to be had from walking the path of integrity."

posts: 1297   ·   registered: Dec. 18th, 2014
id 7688968
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undertherug ( member #41580) posted at 2:17 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016

I broke an ankle a few years ago. Hobbled around in a walking cast for 6 weeks. At the time I had a full time job, a house to take care of, and two very large demanding dogs. The broken bone was inconvenient but I lived. So will he. Not your problem.

posts: 1077   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 7689138
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SilverStar ( member #46958) posted at 4:21 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016

A nice bouquet with an every day, useless message like, "get well soon," would be a lovely gesture, don't you think? So meaningful and helpful - NOT.

BW me
WH him
2 kids
D-Day 11/11/14

posts: 458   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 7689242
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Questioningall ( member #43959) posted at 4:26 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016

Letting him feel the consequences of his actions is the best (perhaps only?) way for him to learn. You're helping him by not helping him.

Me-BS 57
Him-WS 57 Sorrowfulmate
Married 30 years, 5 kids
Dday #1 12/12 He made up a ONS
Dday #2. 3/14 EAs, 3 ONS, 2 LTA

Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.

posts: 594   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2014
id 7689248
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 6:03 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016

I echo everyone's sentiments about focusing on YOU and FTG.

He will be fine and will heal. You have much more healing to do than he can ever imagine.

Stay strong, TOC...stay strong.

Hugs!

2025: Me-59 FWH-61 Married 41 years grown daughters- 41 & 37. 1 GS,11yo GD & 9yo GD (DD40); Five grands ages 15 to 8. D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8905   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 7689358
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Stronger4it ( member #39372) posted at 9:56 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016

A friend of mine was in a car accident recently and suffered a pretty major concussion. Off work for months. Unable to read, or watch TV while she recovered. Many other symptoms. She said she would have rather broken her leg. It's an injury people can see and understand. A concussion is the worst.

A broken heart is kinda the same as a concussion. Not always obvious, but so debilitating. And he did this to you. He was the "car that clipped you". No. Just No. You can not help him now that his car needs body work.

Ok My metaphors may have gotten away from me there.

Let karma do her work in peace.

Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

posts: 343   ·   registered: May. 27th, 2013
id 7689557
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 TurnOtherCheek (original poster member #55194) posted at 10:16 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016

So, I baked him his favorite cookies, put extra butter and sugar in them and put in overnight mail to him today along with a get well soon card. I figure he might as well get his favorite cookies. And put on a few pounds with no exercise for awhile.

Me: BW x 2 - 53
Ist XWH: Married over 17 years, DD and DS (mine)
2nd XH: Also 53, DS (his), 8 yrs together
OW: Pet sitter
D-Day: 9/11/16
Divorced in 60 seconds flat. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591733

posts: 441   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2016
id 7689567
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setecastronomy ( member #14398) posted at 10:21 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016

So, I baked him his favorite cookies, put extra butter and sugar in them and put in overnight mail to him today along with a get well soon card. I figure he might as well get his favorite cookies. And put on a few pounds with no exercise for awhile.

If I'd been in your shoes, I would have saved myself the effort and just sent him a bag or two of Skittles.

Or some other "candy."

posts: 1512   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2007
id 7689574
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Greyson ( member #49402) posted at 11:29 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2016

I vote for the Skittles.

or Exlax brownies.

Beautiful metaphor: He didn't have two legs to stand on. Now he doesn't have two legs to stand on.

180, turn off the phone, forget him. Too many good things in your future, just not him.

By the way, I am really sorry that you had to experience this nightmare. You have been an inspiration for many. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts with us.

BH 51
WW 44
DDay#1 5/00 OM1 confessed
R?
DDay#2 7/12 OM2 & OM3 confessed
R
DD, DSx3
Hosea 2:19-20a

posts: 146   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2015
id 7689619
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Drained2015 ( member #48262) posted at 12:00 AM on Friday, October 21st, 2016

I really hope those cookies had some laxatives in them 😄

We understand how terrible you are feeling but I'm so glad you found this site, the advice on your thread doesn't only help you but will help so many people who don't feel strong enough to post themselves

It is such an unimaginable hurt and even though everyone is complimenting you on your strength, we do understand how much you're hurting

Keep doing what is best for TOC

posts: 256   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2015   ·   location: UK
id 7689634
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