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Since she has left and returned the ring she may or will file in Wisconsin once residency requirements are met if it is to her advantage. You can work out the property settlement or go to trial there.

Does she tell you what her intentions are?

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 10:46 PM, November 4th (Sunday)]

No, I have not talked to her since I was back in Wisconsin except to send her the car loan details. It is to my advantage to file, I suppose I should just do it. I get to control the narrative. I'm still holding on, it's pathetic.

Filing is and should be a business decision. It is up to you but keeping yourself in this now is getting you what?

A longer stay in limbo. She's told and shown you what she's doing.

IMO I'd rather deal with this on my terms than hers.

Hopium won't get you a thing

[This message edited by Marz at 10:52 PM, November 4th (Sunday)]

It IS to your advantage to file. With the temporary order it will protect you from any further debt from her to be counted as yours , plus at that point the date starts for the division of assets. In other words any retirement pensions or 401ks will stop at that date.

Filing for divorce isnt the finality , a divorce decree will do that. It could take a while to get to that point , but filing will give you some control over the terms, and is for some reason she snaps out of it and becomes a candidate for R , you can stop the divorce at any time.

If she files first you will be answering her requests . Yes it is a business decision , nothing more. One that should protect you.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 5:05 AM, November 5th (Monday)]

Falc,

You have to face the facts and the reality of your situation.

You can remain stuck and wait for your wayward wife to file for divorce.

You can act to address the state of your marriage as it actually exists, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of the relationship.

Not accepting the reality of your situation keeps you stuck and unable to live a productive life. You can’t live in the present and plan for the future if your head and heart are still in the past.

You need to change your thought patterns. You need to take advantage of this opportunity. An opportunity is a chance to fulfill your dreams, your purpose in life, become who you want to be and do what you want to do. Sometimes opportunity is invited in, sometimes it is forced upon us. As hard as it may be to accept, divorce, even an unwanted divorce is an opportunity. Never ignore an opportunity. This new opportunity came with fears and emotional pain but, these are not excuses for not taking advantage of the opportunity to fulfill dreams, find purpose and become what you want.

You get over an unwanted divorce by accepting your divorce as a reality. Some people who go through a divorce they didn’t desire have a hard time adjusting to the idea of being single again and losing the emotional connection to the one they loved. They still want to be married, but reality doesn’t go out of its way to accommodate a person’s wishes.

Getting over an unwanted divorce isn't any easy task but with time and patience, the pain of your divorce can be put behind you.

You have two choices:

1) You can remain in "make believe." You can maintain the staus quo of living in a dead marriage where communication does not exist until she acts and divorces you.

2) You act and divorce.

If you act you can simply file and allow the process to proceed.

Or

You may communicate with your wayward wife and tell her you do not wish to be controling. You will take the necessary steps to fulfill her wishes and act based upon her desire to be set free. You then file for divorce.

You will be getting out of infidelity.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 6:09 AM, November 5th (Monday)]

She is off all my cards so I won't be responsible for any of her debt.

Are you still paying her health and car insurance?

Right now you have no idea what she doing. The streaming site of her gaming might have turned into a much racer site. All you know is that she told you she wants a divorce and has cut off all contact... except when she wants $$.

Honestly if she was worried about ending the marriage at all you would see some "fishing". Her dropping hints that maybe she would reconsider if you were to give her this, that or $$. Trying to be "friends" by saying things like "maybe I'll see you at the technology conference." Messing with your mind by sending you false hope. She isn't even doing that. She is point blank saying I want a divorce, calling you controlling, and going NC except for things she wants.

Signing on for 3 more months of hopium is just signing up for 3 more months of Limbo. Mentally you think that limbo is better than divorce but both are going to end up in the same spot just one takes longer.

Do you honestly think that anything will ever make you say "I'm ready to divorce her?" If you are waiting for that moment you are going to be in Limbo for a very long time.

Make a list of pro's and cons of waiting and see what you come up with.

One other thing. There is an ever so slight chance that seeing the papers in front of her will snap her into reality. There is no chance that limbo will.

[This message edited by Freeme at 10:05 AM, November 5th (Monday)]

Falc I know this isn't easy but I want you to think about this.

Later on when you're older and you reflect back on your life you'll have a lot of regrets. Go ask any older person their thoughts on this subject (regrets).

It's safe to say that the majority of them will tell you the regrets they have aren't the things they did but rather the things they DIDN'T do.

That said you're at the crossroad of a major life regret.

If you don't take action NOW (and do what you KNOW you NEED to do) you're going to look back at this current situation and you're not going to like how you handled it. In fact you'll wish you could go back in time and shake yourself to wake the F up and not let your fear dictate your action.

I'm sure you've read countless stories here on SI, and by doing so you'll see how SO many wish they could turn back the clock and do things differently (specifically where you are RIGHT NOW).

Nobody is saying it is easy, but my friend save yourself more heartache and a regret that will knaw at you the rest of your life.

One day you'll look at yourself in the mirror one morning and instead of reflecting back at this time period and feeling like a pussy and hating yourself you'll be able to say you did what you HAD to do (despite how much it hurt) and you'll be proud of yourself.

Trust me on this.

Keep grinding Falc

I echo everyone else's sentiment.

Be the man you will be proud of years from now even though it hurts.

Step one of dealing with infidelity is to remove

yourself from the infidelity.

The only way you can accomplish this is to file because your WW isn't interested in leaving her OM.

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 9:57 AM, November 5th (Monday)]

I don't see this turning into some huge catastrophe simply because she can't afford it. Nor can her family. Maybe I am completely wrong here, but she's focusing on working/gaming/streaming and escaping from reality right now.

This seems to be one of core issues and the enabling opportunities for her adultery.

I see this as leverage, assuming you are still contemplating reconciliation at some point.

She gets a choice between you, or streaming/gaming. The two are not compatible. This is the first and most important choice for YOU right now.

If she fails to choose you immediately, without hesitation, then you have your answer.

Yeah, I think that you all are correct. I will never be ready to file. There will never come a time where I can wake up and say 'Yep, I'm good now. Let's file'. It's more pain avoidance from me, which is fine for the present I guess. But at the same time, if I look back on this and she's the one who files, she's the one who fucks me over, I will never look at myself the same or be proud of who I was.

Pros of filing now:

1. Control the narrative

2. No regrets

3. Get completely out of infidelity

4. No limbo

5. Can possibly move on faster

6. Keep the house and the pets at the very least

7. Show myself that I deserve better

8. Gain self respect

9. Open the window to a better life

Cons of filing now:

1. No hope

2. Her narrative of me being controlling and vindictive/manipulative is made true

3. It's over for good

4. Possibly more painful interactions with her

5. More pain earlier rather than spread out

6. She gets what she wants

7. Possibly have regret that I didn't do all I could for the marriage that will take years to get over

8. Depression

9. Stigma of being a divorcee

I do not think there is a chance that she wakes up when she sees papers. She won't understand that we can stop the D process at any time. She will think 'well, that's it' and the thought would never cross her mind. I don't think telling her we can stop the process at any time is a good idea either. If anyone has any suggestions for pros AND cons, please post them but I think I got it all.

[This message edited by Falc at 10:10 AM, November 5th (Monday)]

Falc

Your pros are whipping the cons

No hope.....You got just as much hope either way

Your situation isn't tolerable

Get out of infidelity

She doesn't love you like you love her.

She isn't capable.

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 10:36 AM, November 5th (Monday)]

I think you'll find the pro of being in control of things far outweighs any of the perceived cons.

It's normal to be exactly where you are and I certainly won't judge you for not filing. I just think the real con of not filing now is putting yourself in a position to let her keep controlling you.

She is controlling everything right now. She's in control while you're spiraling.

Take your power back. No matter what the outcome, being in control of your future is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

Even if you are not accountable for your wife’s possible debt then joint assets might be at risk if she defaults. Basically, half of any part of the house that is above water is hers at the moment, and if she defaults on payments they CAN put a lean on her half. You might have to do HOA meetings with Bank of America and MasterCard…

Once again: These scenarios are not likely and even if they come up might be contested. But at a cost.

Looks like she's going to the bank to see about re-financing the car loan. I guess my hand is forced, I reached out to my lawyer and said that it is time to file.

Good Job!

You deserve someone who loves you

She's out there once you finish grieving

your selfish entitled WW.

You should read my marathon thread.

It has all the emotional ups and downs

you are going thru.

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 11:38 AM, November 5th (Monday)]

Man, your thread is long. Reading through it.

Cons of filing now:

1. No hope

2. Her narrative of me being controlling and vindictive/manipulative is made true

3. It's over for good

4. Possibly more painful interactions with her

5. More pain earlier rather than spread out

6. She gets what she wants

7. Possibly have regret that I didn't do all I could for the marriage that will take years to get over

8. Depression

9. Stigma of being a divorcee

Taking a look at your Cons:

1. What hope you have now is just delusional and not hope I would say. As wise people have said "Hope is not a strategy"

2. Who is this going to prove true with? What I mean is this. She is going to say all of this about you to who? The OM? Her family? These are all people that are not going to be in your life after this. It doesn't matter what any of them think of you and will have no effect on your life going forward.

3. Divorce is just a legal stamp on what is actually already true. It is already over for good.

4. That's going to happen either way isn't it? But the key is that filing for Divorce and following through will put an end date to these interactions and since your finances and lives are simple there really won't have to be that many interactions.

5. Rip off that band-aid my friend. Get the pain over with and move on. You'll be happy later that you did. Getting this pain over should be in the Pros not the Cons.

6. Who cares. You get what you want too. You get to start a new life with your dignity and you get to find yourself a partner that has integrity. One that you can be proud to call your wife. Who gives a shit if your STBXW can claim victory here?

7. I would counter that it as likely you will have regret that you stayed with someone that disrespects you so much and wish you hadn't gotten even more entangled with children. And I would also argue that you have done all that you could short of just becoming a doormat.

8.Yep and this one is real. You should look into finding an IC and see what you are going to need to cope with this mess. I'm not discounting this one.

9. There is none. Really. There just isn't. Not in 2018.

Good job Falc! None of this is easy.

The right choice, well done.

Don't forget she is the delusional one. You are the one who is well grounded. So you are the one who wins.

Good luck.

Stigma of being a divorcee

Snap,

The millions of us that have been divorced or are divorcing did not know we were stigmatized.

I think I will proceed on with my divorce. Remaining in infidelity does not appeal to me. I have a lot of things to be stigmatized over and one more will not matter.

I am being sarcastic. I do not think you find this statement is accurate. It is just another illogical reason to remain in infidelity.

Perhaps remaining emotionally stuck in a marriage to a wayward wife that is 2200 miles away carries it's own stigma?