SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Perhaps remaining emotionally stuck in a marriage to a wayward wife that is 2200 miles away carries it's own stigma?

Hahaha, yeah it does. Oh man that one hurt. But seriously, you're right dude.

There is a thread regarding "fear vs reality" in the divorce and separation forum that may help you.

When you look back, I am confident you will feel good about your decision. You will appreciate getting out of infidelity.

You deserve much better than a wayward wife that is sexting and abandoned you.

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You seem to be trying to refute being scene as controlling by her. I suggest you tell her you are divorcing her so that she is free to do as she wishes. You want a complete absence of control.

Please know that she will use a variety of reasons for the divorce other than the real one which is her sexting, leaving, and continued wayward behavior.

It is best in my opinion that you implement a hard 180 and work on yourself and your healing. No contact equals no new hurts.

I have gone and have been completely NC. Not responding to anything.

My goal is for you to heal and live the best life possible. There are many of us that separated and divorced our wayward spouses in order to get out of infidelity. We will be with you on your journey.

You will hurt but you will heal.

The ladies in D&S are experts at detachment.

If tempted to make contact (you will be) post it first or discuss it with someone in real life. This pause will help weed out trivial matters of the heart versus financial issues.

I had to point it out, but

This -

2. Her narrative of me being controlling and vindictive/manipulative is made true

and this -

6. She gets what she wants

are contradictory.

Do you see how you mind-fucked yourself into that arguement for staying in limbo? Either you are damned if you divorce or damned if you don't get divorced!

Also, she didn't "force your hand" by talking to a bank about the car. You set a condition of moving forward, she triggered it, now you are acting on it. Give yourself some credit, Falc. You are a man of actions now and not just words. Moving forward requires momentum, and little actions like those starts to build that momentum. Just don't tap the brakes FOR ANY REASON to kill that momentum, like responding to one of her texts out of the blue (and yes, you will likely get one or a few along the way). Stay the course.

Also, which of these statements sound better?

1 - My wife was cheating on me so I divorced here ass.

2 - I was cheating on my husband, so he divorced my ass.

One gets a "Hell yeah!" reaction while the other gets the "Sounds like you got served and and it was well deserved!"

Divorced doesn't mean failure unless that is what you choose as your definition. I encourage you to continue thinking positively of your outcome in your divorce and let that shape your overall attitude as you make your way forward out of infidelity. I found out from my own experience that getting divorced means more so that you are now available to date.

2 - I was cheating on my husband, so he divorced my ass.

She will never, ever admit this to anyone.

I will officially be filing tomorrow.

Good for you Falc, it's about time you did, keep NC going and move full steam ahead with D.

Way to go Falc.

Great job Falc, another step in removing yourself from infidelity!

Thank you for the congratulations, but seems like everyone's profile has 'Currently in R' and it makes me sad.

That's because the people who D'd have been able to move on with their lives instead of being stuck in the no-mans land you are currently occupying. Yes, divorcing is sad and is hard and just all around sucks shit. But being married to someone who has expressed no love for you, certainly hasn't shown it, can only be much worse.

Through the whole fucked up two years since my DDay, the only things that helped the intense pain and confusion I was in were:

- sending her the divorce papers

- getting them signed (which took a very long time)

- moving countries to start a new life.

All of the mental rumination, talking to counsellors, talking to friends, being on SI did not help me a great deal. When I took action, after a few minutes of complete panic and anxiety, I suddenly felt a sea change in my feelings. I had now put myself one step further away from infidelity and one step closer to having the life I deserved...not wasting my time and energy on my WW who clearly did not deserve me.

I seldom post here, but I've followed your story. I guarantee once you've started the divorce process the incredible pain and confusion you feel will be improved. You are doing the right thing for you.

I get it Falc, and believe me, there have been too many false starts in R and 3 years of TT.

If I remember, you have no kids and are young. If I was in the same boat as you, I probably would have D.

Falc – True, many have “in R” as their status. But amongst that group you have a very wide range. You have some so fresh from d-day that R is still a big question. You have some that have found a way to live with the stinking corpse still sitting in the corner of their marriage without ever dealing with the real issues. You have those that “demoted” their wives to GF, or claim they are only waiting for the kids to leave or are constantly trying to punish their WS…

Then there are those that truly are working at R or have successfully R.

Don’t have any stats but I venture that it goes 1/3 for each group: Divorced, living in limbo and those that reconcile.

The big factor in your case is that your wife has given you a very clear message: She doesn’t want to be married. Now that might sound bad, but friend – I can promise you that it’s not the worst outcome of this situation.

Even worse would be false R with a lack of commitment and to have a d-day 2, 3, 4…. In the future. Only then there might be kids, more assets, more connection…

As far as cases go... friend… you are lucky.

No false hope. No trickle-truth, no d-day 2…

For what it’s worth then many posters think I have a pro-reconciliation stance. Somebody questioned the strategy of asking your wife the 4 questions. What that did was give you a very clear sign to where you were headed. I personally ended a 4-5-year relationship on d-day, a couple of weeks before our marriage. I didn’t reconcile.

I hear you Bigger. This is just the craziest thing that has ever happened to me and I never in a million fucking years would have said that I'd be where I am now. As soon as she is served, I can only imagine the angry text I am going to get. Don't worry, I will either not respond or say something to the effect of 'You clearly indicated you did not want to work on the marriage, therefore I am taking steps to dissolve it. Please direct any further communication to my legal counsel'.

I think that's pretty detached and aloof. I can't do this anymore, it is too painful to remain in limbo. It is too painful to even see her text me about the stupid car. We will prepare a settlement and hopefully she will sign it. My lawyer is a shark and there's no way my wife will want to go to trial but if she does, she will be surprised.

Aside from that one text that I will send to her if she sends me something angry, I will remain NC and continue my path of healing and staying busy. Thank you for the congrats, I am still so fucking sad but this is the only way out for me.

I also understand that I am lucky. I am almost 35, no kids, no TT, no false R. In a year, I will see it. I also am very fit, good looking, I dress well, I am emotional, a nerd, career focused, own a house, have pets, interested in politics and world matters, etc etc. I know I will have no problem finding someone and I will have options. But that will come later. There is no way I can even imagine having a relationship right now. It wouldn't be fair to the other person.

I just want to acknowledge that you have your head on straight and are thinking clearly.

The pain is a rollercoaster for a while. But it does get better.

My buddy’s wife left him 3 years ago. No infidelity, just irreconcilable differences.

I spent hours with him crying into his beer. Vowed never to have a relationship with a woman again (a big statement for a guy who loves women).

Well he just returned from a 10 day hiking trip to Portugal with the woman he’s been dating heavily for a year. They had a blast. I know she’s his soulmate. They love all the same stuff and have the same sense of humor. More than he ever had with exW.

It will get better. And remember after being served, if somehow she wakes up (I know you do t think so but stranger things have happened here) and she begs to try again, work with us on requirements for R. It’s very important.

Anyway, congrats on taking a path out of infidelity, even if it doesn’t feel very good you are doing something that will help you in the king run.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:06 PM, November 6th (Tuesday)]

'You clearly indicated you did not want to work on the marriage, therefore I am taking steps to dissolve it. Please direct any further communication to my legal counsel'.

That's good but many in the past have suggested to start with:

I'm sorry you feel that way...You clearly indicated...etc.etc

I don't know it just sounds more rounded, like you are in full control of your feelings for her and of yourself then.

p.s. and may less vindictive, which you don't want.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 2:45 PM, November 6th (Tuesday)]

Well, it's starting to affect my physical health. I'm getting sick now. I filed today. I am so sick of this bullshit, I just want it over with. Now I Have to fill out financial disclosures and all this crap. So stupid. It still eats at me that she has no fucking clue what divorce actually is. She thinks it's just some boyfriend/girlfriend thing that you can just break away from. All this legal paperwork. Just so stupid and awful.

Keep plugging away. You'll be fine.