SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Don’t be her father that she is rebelling against.

What do you mean by this?

Some WW's look at their BH as this father figure role while they act like the teenager rebelling against what they perceived the BH's boundaries as "controlling" behaviors. Think back on high school and how some teen aged girls were like when they rebelled against their parents to go date the bad boy that they were forbidden to see.

And I combat this by filing?

I think you file for completely different reasons than the ones mentioned above.

The reasons to divorce have absolutely zero to do with revenge or sending a message.

The reason you file is the same one as the reason you bury or cremate a loved one soon after they draw their last breath. Don’t do that and all you do is drag around a smelly corpse.

Same with your “marriage”.

Don’t file and you are dragging around a dead marriage. It not only prevents you from moving on, but although the emotional aspect that created the marriage is missing, the legal and financial issues – the nitty-gritty detail issues like tax, insurance, financial obligations and all the non-romantic but so-important aspects – remain active.

Why does that matter? Let’s say you pay 400 + interest a month on the house for a year before you file. She has 400 x 12 = 4800 / 2 = 2400 more in assets. After all – while married income is joint income.

Let’s say she runs an overdraft or cc debt. Yes – I know you can counter it, but it’s a process. As far as the system is concerned then the debt was initiated while married, the creditor had no way of knowing she had left the marriage…

Let’s say you draw the divorce for x months… Suddenly, she reached a limit that entitles her to y more months of spousal support.

Let’s say she has time to distance herself from you. Suddenly forfeiting her part in the home gets a financial value. Suddenly, she sees money in allowing you to divorce her.

Let’s say she gets pregnant. By default, you are the father and you need a legal process to change that. Once again – a hassle more than anything else, but still a hassle.

The way I see it then if you want or do not want to file isn’t really the issue. If I go back to the burning house comparison I used some pages ago then you not wanting to file is the same as you watching the flames not wanting them to be there.

Friend – the are there…

And yes Falc – GOOD WORK on getting out.

Yeah that makes sense. I guess I am just not ready because I am holding on to this stupid shred of hope I have. It's pretty pathetic, more pathetic than just sitting on this site all day refreshing my browser like I have been. I'm still clinging to this notion that she will have an epiphany in a month or two. It's absurd. I just don't understand why I am so weak, why I can't just cut ties and go. It's like I'm still trying to do things so that her narrative of me being the 'controlling, vindictive manipulator' won't come true. I told her I wasn't ready to file, then a week later I file. She'll have a field day with that one. I know it sounds ABSURD, I know. My mind is very hard to adjust how it thinks. IC is taking a while, I likely won't be able to change my thought process for a long time. 7.5 years of codependency, probably even longer since I got out of my previous relationship then started seeing my wife 3 months later.

I have a lot of work to do getting better and filing isn't really on my mind right now. But what is on my mind is that ridiculous shred of hope that I can't shake.

Falc

You are going to be ok

Once you realize this life will get easier.

People divorce, they reconcile, they don't.

but you keep living and everything goes back to normal

you will be happy again i promise

Step one is to start loving yourself.

You deserve better than the hand you have been dealt.

What she thinks of you filing really doesn’t matter. She has made it clear, she is not remorseful and your a monster. Honestly, you need to go grey rock no contact.

If you hear from friends she things your absurd for filing or demeaning. The answer is simple it became clear to me she wanted her freedom, and you can’t have a marriage with multiple people.

What you need to realize is no matter how nice you are won’t matter. Let me explain how it works.

Everything you do is wrong in her eyes. I knew a guy who bought his wife a TV for her birthday. She told him that is what she wanted. In marriage counseling she was angry about the present because “Other’s could also watch it so it wasn’t special for her. He found out she was cheating and it made sense then.

You could fly in her OM and put him in a hotel in her town, buy them champagne, rent a car for him so they could have sex all week. She would complain you didn’t buy any food or rubbers for them and you are a horrible person.

If you think that letting her cheat on you, abandoning you and being a bitch to you should be rewarded.... good luck with that approach.

I am guessing you were probably one hen pecked dude in your relationship. She probably got her way all the time. Screw that you are the prize not her.

Tell her you love her but you’re not her whipping boy anymore. She can come back or be served. Personally I would dump her but you won’t nice her back. She likes using you but that should end now. Don’t take her abuse. Best of luck to you.

After a full exposure filing is the next effective

tool to end an affair.

Filing has made many a WW wake up and take notice

that it is time for them to end their affair.

Keep this in mind, because you file does not mean

that you cannot delay the divorce or even stop the

divorce if your WW wakes up.

Though you will be out of infidelity quicker by filing.

Falc

I’m ok with you not filing right now. I’m ok if you do file. Waiting may hurt you financially at some point but you dont seem like that bothers you right now. Later on you may have to accept she got more than she deserves because you waited, but if you’re not ready, then you’re not ready.

However, you need to realize something. The good guy narrative that you are working on, where she can’t call you controlling, is not going to bring her back. Not one thing you do is going to bring her back.

More like, if she’s going to come back, it’s because of what you DONT do. It’s going no contact. It’s making her realize that you are moving on. It’s getting out of her life and making her process this all in her head.

It may take months, or perhaps years, but she will realize that you were actually not the enemy. It may never happen, it’s true, but continuing to interact, and do things for her or pay for them simply continues to let her lead the life away from you and with the AP. It makes it easier for her to do so.

When you saw her you told her if she came back you both could work on things. She hasn’t taken you up on that. That’s because she’s still infatuated with the AP. Still trying to pursue a relationship with him. The only thing you can do to break that is to move on.

And I see you trying to do that. I know it’s hard. We all do. Just keep doing it. But don’t come running when she beckons.

When she says “I know you don’t want to talk to me” tell her “you’re right because you made it clear you are no longer interested in me or our marriage”. Then stop reponding.

Then if she asks questions run them by your lawyer. If he tells you that you need to respond do it in as few as words as possible.

She fired you as her husband. So stop trying to be one to her. She knows where you live. If she changes her mind she’ll let you know. And if she did, then you’d have to discuss boundaries, and she probably would leave all over again because she doesn’t want to have boundaries with other men.

She may never.

But someday she may grow up and realize what is truly important in life. And when she does, my hope is that you’ve found someone great to build a life with and are able to tell your ex u wish her well and move on.

If she may show up, hat in hand apologizing. You never know.

Either way the path is the same. Don’t let her make you the third wheel in your M. Yes grieve what you have lost. But at the same time do the work. Go out. Meet people. Go to IC. Keep in touch with your Lawyer so when your finally ready he can serve papers. Talk to your family. Do volunteer work to help others. Take classes. Invite friends over. Live a life.

1 person out of 4 billion is not the only one for you. And if she wants to be one again, then she’ll let you know. Right now she doesn’t appear to care enough to do that.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:11 PM, November 1st (Thursday)]

Honey, I have just read the entire thread and I know your pain. And if there is just one thing I could say to you, it would be this:

Fake it til you make it.

I have been exactly where you are. I WAS you. And the only way I got out of bed every morning or uncrumpled myself from the bathroom floor was to imagine me in the future, looking back and feeling proud at how I'd handled things. I let that determine my EVERY DECISION from that point on.

1. When my cheater told me about his long affair, I couldn't imagine him leaving me

I SENT HIM PACKNG THAT NIGHT

2. When my cheater told me he might want to reconcile but I knew he was still carrying on with that woman, I wanted to love him back to me.

I WENT NO CONTACT INSTEAD

3. When my cheater tried to manipulate me into accommodating his last minute wishes regarding visitation with the children, I wanted to give that to him to show him what a lovely person I am.

I REMINDED HIM OF OUR AGREEMENT INSTEAD

4. When my cheater said it is in the best interest of the children to have overnight visits with him and his OW, I wanted to avoid being seen as the bitter ex who couldn't let go.

I CONSULTED A FAMILY COUNSELOR WHO TOLD HIM IT WAS TOO SOON INSTEAD

And now, one year later, I look back and that endless string of choices that I made against my weak and co-dependent impulses and feel proud. And I don't have to fake it anymore. I AM that person. No longer co-dependent and walking on eggshells but most definitely authentic, empathetic and self-respecting.

Fake it til you make it.

Steve I always appreciate your posts. And faking it til I make it is good advice as well. I am definitely getting out, every night almost I am out of the house. I went to pick up my blizzcon badge yesterday, met up with some of my online friends and we had a blast. I'm going to blizzcon today alone which is weird but also cool. I can choose who to meet up with, I can see what I want to see.

I'm volunteering tomorrow morning then I'm going to head back up to blizzcon. Sunday I'm having my online friends over and we're going to BBQ. Should be a fun weekend. Still doesn't change the fact that mornings fucking suck and drag me down. But I still soldier on, have my coffee and put one foot in front of the other.

[This message edited by Falc at 9:10 AM, November 2nd (Friday)]

It's been 1.5 months and I swear to God I feel worse. I've been so busy, trying to do things and go out constantly. I am never home. And I had the most negative week of this whole ordeal. Just posting to rant. I fucking hate this, I hate that this happened to me. And it's going to take so godamn long to even get back to a point where I dont hate waking up or feel like a lonely sack of shit. Fuck you for doing this to me.

If you file you would be feeling like this yet eventually see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Right now you hope to see that light but you are running on a treadmill and getting nowhere. Your world is still dark

If anything file to take your manhood back.. ie you are a man who deserves respect and will not settle for sloppy seconds.

Go zero contact.. ask mutual friends and family to never speak of her to you again... You will do fine!

It's been 1.5 months and I swear to God I feel worse. I've been so busy, trying to do things and go out constantly. I am never home. And I had the most negative week of this whole ordeal. Just posting to rant. I fucking hate this, I hate that this happened to me. And it's going to take so godamn long to even get back to a point where I dont hate waking up or feel like a lonely sack of shit. Fuck you for doing this to me.

Typical of people that won't take advice. Keep doing it your way, keep treading water, and you'll keep feeling this way.

Vent away. It’s OK to feel sad and dejected, but there is positive in how you ended your rant.

Falc – Have you talked to your attorney? I get it you don’t want to file, but it’s not as if you phone your attorney and order one divorce and that’s it. It’s a process. It takes time. You can ask him about the timeline but be careful to ask also about your obligations while you DON’T file.

Think of it this way: Remember that situation I described where your wife might be gaining half of the amount you are paying on the house? Well… if she were to buy a ticket to Florida, book a hotel and a rental car and charge it all to a credit-card then technically you might be paying half of her visit to OM.

Clarify your situation. Talk to an attorney and learn what you can do to limit your damage.

You're in the anger stage. Normal

Make your decision and start working it

Falc,

The behavior of your wayward wife from your posts indicate she is gone.

1) What has your wayward wife told you by her actions or words to indicate she will remain married to you?

2) What do you think will occur in the next 1 - 3months?

* What will you be doing?

* What will your wayward wife be doing?

2) In 6 months what do you think will occur after residency is established in WI by your wayward wife?

* What will you be doing?

* What will your wayward wife be doing?

* Do you think she will file at this point?

* Do you think she will miraculously stop her wayward behavior? Will she be dating and possibly in a relationship since you are separated?

3) In 1 year what do you project will be the status of your relationship?

4) In 3 to 5 years what do you project will be the status of your relationship?

I am going to suggest you review being "stuck" with your attorney.

You need to find out what you should do to protect yourself as both Wisconsin and California are community property states.

The date of separation is not necessarily the date one spouse moves out of the marital home. Instead, it is the date that one spouse decides to end the marriage, and it requires some act of physical separation combined with other actions.

This can significantly impact the division of assets and debts.

Do you really think she will see your willing to forfeit more assets or incur more debt as a noble gesture that suddenly has her stop wayward behavior and return to the marriage?

While you cannot file do you think she will file when being married in name only is no longer to her advantage?

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 10:39 PM, November 4th (Sunday)]

If she signs the settlement, it will take six months to be accepted into judgement even if we don't go to trial, which we wont. Im just not angry enough to file right now and I don't know why. I know I feel like garbage but it's not enough to make me mad. Not sure why that is at all.

I am pretty protected. The lawyer says there is a clear date of separation. Anything she does after that date I am not responsible for. She is off all my cards so I won't be responsible for any of her debt. Ripped, I know she is gone and that's why I feel like this. It's just a process, I'm going to hurt for a while. I'm doing shit I need to do to get better it just won't happen immediately. I just am not filing right now. I am seriously considering it now because maybe it'll make me feel better.

[This message edited by Falc at 10:13 PM, November 4th (Sunday)]