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I'm confused though. She's telling me that she's sad she didn't get to end it herself. She says her feelings don't matter and that she's being bullied. She says she tried to talk with him to end it but he wouldn't talk to her so now she has no closure. I asked what she wanted to say to him and she said that she would say she's sorry and that she doesn't hate him and that she wishes him a good and happy life. I said, you're sorry to see him go aren't u? She says, it's a loss, do u get that? But then admits he needs to be out of her life. I'm so confused by this?!!!!!

calkid, I am amazed that you could sit there and listen to that. I would have gone nuclear. Fuck her poor-little-me-I'm-being-bullied nonsense. She needs to wake the fuck up and realize that she set off a BOMB in your marriage and she needs to fix it. Don't try to be her hero, don't comfort her. Screw that. She needs to deal with these feelings of "loss" on her own and not burden you with them!

You are a strong man. I admire you for standing up for yourself and in the end getting the truth you needed to heal.

More strength to you.

So then she says, It doesn't matter, I'll just smile a lot and everything will be better. So I responded, " If you're not happy with being with me, you don't have to stay. If you're gonna be with me then you gotta be with only me and willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work as I am. If being a family woman doesn't make you happy anymore, I don't want you to be miserable. I mean, give me something here, you have hurt me deeply. You can't show me such disrespect by telling me you fond of such painful moments or what a loss you feel by such a source of pain for me. I love you more than he ever will or can." She responded with, "You're right." Wow, I've never heard that before! This is so horrible. I'm sitting at work at the computer and there's a tightness in my chest, then its a weight which as the images of those two together and my wife being exited by another man keeps getting heavier and heavier. Finally, I had to go into the conf. room and just let it out. The weight just builds until you weep it out, ya know? When does it stop hurting so bad?

Its irritating to read how she tries to romanticize her squalid adultery; turn it into a wonderful, dreamy, exciting mystery. A memory she will hold close to her heart for the rest of her life. A budding love throttled at it conception.

An insulting load of disrespectful crap. How can you tolerate this? Does she place any value on your feelings?

..HOLY_FUCKING_CRAP!!!!

..after hearing what she said, i'd have packed her fucking bag and given her a one way ticket back to that asshole and told her she can have him.. i'd be fucking done!

..she has zero regard for your feelings, zero respect for the marriage and zero intentions of ever letting go of her rainbows and unicorns idea of their little gropefest.

..she sucked him off and swallowed .. and she wants closure?????

..

..i'm fucking speechless at this point..

smy

The whole being bullied thing is her being mad that you caught her because she wasn't done yet.

My WW finally "came around" when I quit being the doting husband. I told the OMs wife. Things finally went my way when I started caring about me.

My wife and I are putting it back together but I live my life now expecting to get hurt again. She and I both know this though, if she flinches she will be single. No questions asked no apologies accepted.

As far as how long the hurt goes on, its for a while sorry. I found myself ok for a while and then I'd have to blow off some anger. If you don't exercise now, start. It gets rid of that tightness you describe better than anything.

The bumps on the rollercoaster will get further apart as time goes on. You are in for a hard road. You will be happy again.

I was a paratrooper, am a veteran and have lost a parent. The affair was the worst thing I have been through by a factor 10 easily. I got through it and you will to.

This morning I realized that yesterday was the first day I didn't think about what happened at least once. It'll be a year next month.

She made me promis the other night that I wouldn't talk to Mr. D or contact him in any way before she would tell me any details. She swore she would leave if I did. So, I promised. Now, I have his home and cell numbers and he's actually one of my "friends" on facebook. Should I go back on my promise and just contact him anyway? She swears she doesn't want to send the cancellation letter because she doesn't want anymore shame but I think its because she hasn't ended things with him or she's afraid I'll find out she did have sex with him. I was asking her what all her apprehentions were about sending the letter in the car last night and she actually said, "I promised I wouldn't tell" I hit the roof! I yelled, "You promised you'd never cheat!" She shut down. She also told me that the more I talk about it, the more she's have trouble not thinking about it too. She also said, part of her still looks back on the memories of being with him with fondness and excitement. Horrible to hear your wife tell you something like that man. HORRIBLE

2x4 here partner. HELLO!! Wake up! Tell her you'll quit bringing it up just as soon as she rewinds life to before she let another dude feel her up AT MINIMUM!!

She's LYING. She hasn't broken it off. She's manipulating you and you're falling for the playbook hook, line, and sinker. (NEED FOR SARCASM FONT HERE)It's all your fault, you know. OK, So I cheated but it's hard on our marriage that you won't forgive me.

Hard 180. Hard Hard Hard 180.

FYI, "closure" is affair speak for more ego kibbles from OM. "You're great, beautiful, desirable, blah blah bullshit". She's still wanting attention to fill up that big empty hole inside her soul. But closure--filling that hole--only comes from within. OM can't fill that hole, and YOU can't fill that hole. She'll blame you anyway, though.

She needs counseling to figure out why she gave herself permission to do this. How to make herself happy, and not look to someone else to do. She needs to learn that her happiness is her own responsibility.

Right now, think of her as a druggie in withdrawal. She'll want to go back to OM for a hit of those feelings of desirability. The longer she is NC with him, the more those feelings will fade.

Hang in there.

It was a rough night. On the way home from work, we were on the phone. She mentioned not being able to have full closure and one of her best friiends told her that its not really fiar that I get to have full closure on Mr. D but she doesn't. That I stole that from her. I replied, "You don't deserve it!" You did a low down wrotten, dirty thing and you think you deserve closure? Then somewhere in the conv. she says, "Haven't been doing the right thing lately?" I asked, "When?" "Last weekend, we went to those gardens with the kids and to the beach and stuff." I hit the roof! She's right, we did do those things with the kids but remember, I didn't find out about the affair until Tuesday of this week. So I yelled through the phone, "YOU WERE LYING!!! YOU WERE LYING TO ME ABOUT YOUR AFFAIR!!! DON'T YOU GET THAT?!!!" So I get home, get the kids in bed then she's drinking some wine and lying in bed with me and says, "I haven't done a whole lot with my life. You have to remember I went from high school to being a mother and your wife. You need to fill this (pointing to her heart) because if you don't, somebody else will. This will all happen again, I guarantee it." So, I sat her on my lap and said, "We don't cheat on each other. We made vows to always be faithful not matter what. If you're not happy , that gives you no right to cheat. You come to me and say you're not happy, we go to marriage counseling, we work on fixing our marriage, we don't step outside and cheat on each other you got that?" She nodded yes and went to sleep. This affair has her totally messed up. It's like, she has lost her moral compass. I know she knows what she did was wrong but she seems to think there is justification at some point for stepping out. I've known her 23 years and its almost like she's just broken. She's a different person. She cried in my arms on Monday, harder than she's ever cried before, (mind you, I still had not been told the truth at this point) She also revealed to me last night that she was straddling him in the back of his truck and he was kissing her tits again and then put his hand down the back of her pants and grabbed her naked ass then almost went for the gusto but pulled his hand back before he did and before he pulled his hand back she was thinking, "Please don't, please don't, please don't." Becasue at the convention center parking garage, she told him before they started messing around, "Don't touch this. Don't mes with this and pointed to her vagina. This is Calkid's." She tells me I know everything and then something like this comes out. I believe I know most of it but not all. I do believe them that he never touched her vagina or have sexual intercourse and it might be wrong but if it is, I don't want to know it.

You need to fill this (pointing to her heart) because if you don't, somebody else will. This will all happen again, I guarantee it.

Excuse my language, but fuck that bitch, dude. What a load of blameshifting bullshit

This sucks so bad. I litterally have never known such horrible pain and suffering. This morning, I was trying to shave and the thoughts of her lying on our bed texting Mr. D and saying horrible things to each other popped into my mind. Then, I thought about all the little things and signs that were before me which I was too blind to see. How she'd try to send me little flirty texts at work but I was too buys trying to be a good employee to take the time to flirt back or if I had only went to the dance club with her, Mr.D and Mrs. H, they would have never had the chance to start the connection and attaction and I just broke down. Then I broke down again in my car and had to pull over like, right after I left my house. Why does every little task seem like an enormous thing to do, like the drive to work or answering the phone at work, or reading emails. Everything seems like a huge task. When does it nor hurt so much?

This is common. She's creeping towards telling you the whole store. Getting it out hurts so she inches towards it then pulls back. Then inches a little closer, then pulls back.

It's like being stabbed in the heart by inches. In one inch, pull the knife back, in two inches, pull the knife back...

For us here at SI, from the outside looking, it's like watching a rerun of an old classic drama. We know exactly what's happening, but the character's just keep with the script.

Try this. Tell her you know. Be calm and emphatic. Tell her you know they had sex and just tell you how it happened.

Every time she tryings to deny or explain, just keep repeating in a calm voice, "I know, just explain how it happened."

It's hard to do. You may have to keep it up for a few days, but it has worked.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:48 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Calkid you might want to search for some of my old posts to see what you are in for.

I could have, and did write everything that you just have almost verbatim.

My wife was simply the warmest and most caring person that I had ever met. One day the "wheels just fell off". She was broken and didn't know what to do. Unfortunately she didn't see me as the person that could fix everything and strayed.

She had the same problem, it was the whole unfulfilled thing. She is a SAHM and hasn't worked in years by her choice and felt like her life had no meaning and so on. In other words she was having a mid-life crisis. In her words "she wanted something of her own". I totally didn't get it.

I also told her that if she wanted to leave I would support her until she got on her feet and after if that's what she needed. Nothing helped.

Finally I said "here is my minimum performance standard". These are my hard and fast rules. If you violate them you are choosing to be single. My wife then replied "you want a divorce"? I told her "no, but I will if you don't choose to follow the rules I have laid down". That seemed to straighten everything out and take some of the uncertainty out of my life.

Right now you probably feel like you have zero control over your destiny. That's a scary thing. Figure out what you are and aren't willing to accept and mull it over for a few days. Once you have settled on the the things that you are not willing to accept write them down. Give them to her and tell her if you do these things you are choosing to be single.

When I did this my wife said "you are being mean to me, you are bullying me....". I told her I am only asking to be treated with the same kind of respect that I have treated you with before, during and after your transgressions. If you can't provide me with the same respect and thoughtfulness I don't want you as a partner. I reiterated that I didn't want anyone else, I just didn't want to be in a relationship like that.

I didn't argue, I was kind but firm.

You are in for a long hard road and I assure you, it will be a while before your wife figures out what kind of damage she has caused. She will be wholly unsympathetic to your feelings. Right now it's all about her.

Also, sometimes you have to play it a bit "soft". She is in the "fog" and really isn't herself. Imagine a drug addict. It's really no different. On the surface they know it's wrong but will continue to do it. Only when the consequences become to great do they stop.

Hell yes...FUCK THAT BITCH!

You pulled her onto your lap and told her how *you* feel...she just nodded along and went to sleep.

She told you how she feels..this is all your fault..she will cheat again.

And the fondness and excitement she has for this affair is beyond disgusting.

You shouldn't have pulled her onto your lap..you should have packed her fucking bags and told her to get out..

Yes..her golden vagina..it's all yours...well now..dont you feel special?? He got to "kiss her titties" and "massage her vagina" yet she didn't let him stick his dick in her because *that* is all yours. BULLSHIT. She is lying. She fucked him. You know she did.

Wow, Confused! Easy.

The guy's in pain, lets not add to it.

calkid,

You are doing great, and are fortunate to have found SI so quickly. I was numb for about 2 months after dday, I remember little to nothing of that time.

You need to fill this (pointing to her heart) because if you don't, somebody else will.

So this is something my FWW would have said after dday. Your WW is not happy, and it is all your fault because you did not "fill her heart" and if you do not make and keep her happy she will have another A. Her A was about her. Her not being able to find happiness in her life and looking for OM to make her happy. This is exactly the sort of thing she needs to work through with an IC. FWW would sit in MC sessions after dday and say it was my fault that she was unhappy. MC (later her IC) consistently called her out on this. FWW still struggles with finding her happiness, but she no longer looks to me for her fulfillment. Anything I and the M do to bring happiness into her life is gravy. She is responsible for her own happiness, just as we all are.

Finally, I had to go into the conf. room and just let it out.

I went back to bicycle riding after dday. Many miles I pumped as hard as I could screaming as the gravel trucks and cars went by. Exercise is good after dday to work off stress.

... but she seems to think there is justification at some point for stepping out.

Yep, FWW felt she was entitled to a "fling" because she was unhappy. She thought that her DDs would be proud of her for taking action and was shocked when they were not.

Try to have fewer conversations over the phone or via text and email. These are difficult conversations, and I found face to face worked the best.

She's a different person.

I remember that. I would stare at FWW for minutes trying to "see" who she was. She was not my wife. I did not know this person. Sadly, this was my wife.

Eat regularly, something, and drink water to keep fluids up. Alcohol should be avoided, seriously, until you get your emotions better under control. Have a discussion with an attorney just to know what your rights and responsibilities are.

Keep posting.

--Ats

ETA: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Link above is to a great post to read as you think about your path forward.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:07 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Please take this advice with the knowledge that I care, have been there, and write this only to help.

Fuck this shit. Believe it or not this is textbook behavior, and it's unacceptable.

"She gaurantees she is gonna have another affair?" Nice...real nice. "She has a hole in her heart if you don't fill it up, someone else will?"

Ummmm, blameshift much? She is doing everything she can to minimize this and to make it your fault.

And damnit man..you are enabling her. From reading your posts, you blame the OM more than her. News flash...the other man wasn't married to you, she was. He didn't break his vows to you, she did. Sorry, but your wife is the adulterer here, not him. He's just an ass. But why do you think he is to blame and not your wife?

I see you taking a lot of blame for this. If you had texted more, or done more, this wouldn't have happened. Yes it would have. This shit has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. She made a choice based on her own brokeness and selfishness. And when she made it, she didn't give a shit about you or your family. Do you really believe that if you had texted her more than she wouldn't have cheated? That's fantasy.

Trust me, my wife did the same shit to me. Told me that "I could never make her feel as special as he did" Told me that I hadn't been loving enough or attentive enough and that's why she cheated. I call bullshit on that. I was a good husband, she had to rewrite the history of our marriage so she couldn justify the lies, deciet, and utter disregard for her family. I mean, c'mon, my wife was acting like a whore, screwing some dude in family car in an airport terminal.

This is not rational behavior.

Your wife is not demonstrating rational behavior. She is lying. She is blameshifting. She is rugsweeping. This shit will never get better until you take control over the only thing you can control. YOU.

Get off the crazy bus. Read up on the 180.

On the compassionate side. the pain does lessen. It's the worst thing to have to go through. And all our hearts go out to you. Breathe, eat, sleep. Do what you can...it will eventually subside..but it takes a long time. I shook for months.

Plus if it gives you any sense of hope..my wife was a terrible liar and blameshifter. But after she pulled her head out, she has gone to IC and done a ton of work. And now I am proud to call her my wife (again). So there is hope. Just not down the road that you are currently on.

(((Cali))))

Dang Confused - That is a bit rough. I get where you are coming from, but I think Cali is in such pain and at such a loss and in shock still.

Cali - You need to take a step back and look at this as an outsider to help you gain perspective. If your brothers wife, or a best friends wife was doing this what would you say to them about it? Why would your situation be different?

She is clearly manipulating you into believing that what she did was OK because you weren't fufilling her. Sorry this is not the case. If she was feeling unfufilled she needed to address that with you not act out.

Please read the 180, and then read it again, then read it one more time. Implement it. Care for yourself first and foremost. This not to make her tell the truth, or defog. This to help you stay sane right now.

Yes the pain is overwhelming. You need to get to your Dr ASAP and get 2 things 1. Drugs to take the edge off so you can function, this is usually an antianxiety med of some sort.

2. Get tested for STD's.

I know you really don't want to believe she had intercourse, but I am guessing she has, and probably more than one time. Yuck I know.

You need to stop reassuring her, and tell her what she needs to do to make this right, and tell her if you hear her pining over this Ahole one more time you are done. (It may take you some time to find the strength to do this, but until she is knocked out of the fog, she is going to continue what she is doing, there is nothing go on to deter this behavior on her part).

Sending you much strength

Calkid

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