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IMHO I don't really think one is worse/better than the other, and quite frankly feel that if it was more than just a one time deal most likely both occured.

As far as healing and being able to again, well I had horrible mind movies any time we did it with me facing away from him, I started to trigger even if it were face to face. Someone here reccommended I suggest some time where it was all about me....

Wow what a result. I told him, I needed him to focus on me, and not his needs, and I needed to focus solely on the physcial aspect of it. He went along with it. End Mind movies. For a good long while I had to recieve before being able to go all the way with him. So I guess I won on that front.

As you go through R, and see your spouse returning to the person they were, and loosing the fog it becomes much easier to enjoy it again. Or it was for me.

Early on, I realized a romantic kiss with someone else would have hurt pretty much the same as what they actually did. (My W never treated sex lightly.)

Long after I had this realization, my W said that the first few touches were amazing, but after that she wished the sex with ow was as good as it was with me.

Except for the kisses. The kisses were always special.

Personally I'm with Wonderboy on deal breakers - you never really know what you'll do until you face one.

At the same time, I have absolutely no quarrel with any BS who is grateful something didn't happen. No matter what, the stuff that did happen is devastating enough.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:14 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

My WH doesn't really consider oral as actual "sex." So it doesn't really count as cheating.

He was "going down" on MOW1 morning, noon and night. I know because I got to read blow by blow details!

Joy joy!

I haven't forgotten that oral doesn't count as cheating by the way...

What constitutes an affair or cheating? For some, it may be as simple as a kiss. My H and the OW danced, talked, and had good conversation. I was told by the OW that the entire night was very intimate. However, I was informed by the OW that there was no vaginal penetration, BUT his DNA was all over the place. She told me that he badly wanted vaginal penetration, but she wouldn't let him. I guess that was ok. Let's all pat her on the back!! My H doesn't believe that he cheated. I know that he slept in her bed that night while he wasn't in mine. He wrote her a letter saying that he would be back again, (He's never written me anything.) AND he gave her a kiss that morning before going to work. Intimacy between a H and W, even a kiss, stays there and nowhere else. I know I made a promise.

But what about if WW allowed and asked to be fingered and did? No oral or sex, just making out and fingering.

I can't kiss her now at all. And every time we have sex I think about this. I can't stand it.

I can't kiss her now at all. And every time we have sex I think about this.

you are not alone, 2m2q.

H admitted he did oral for OW. He even said that she said he was "persistent"

The only funny thing is that he said she tried and he had teeth scrape marks Guess she wasn't that good at it.

Either way it makes me sick to think he went down on her and then might have came home and kissed me

I've often wondered about the oral thing with my fWH and OP. He just told me that he did stuff he wasn't supposed to, so I've accepted the worst but I agree with a previous post that sex - no matter what kind - to me is personal.

What bothered me most of all was that he sent her texts that, in her words, made her blush. Super flirty, maybe sexting. All I know is I had tried for so long to get my fWH to do that with me and he wouldn't. When I asked him about it after DDay and why he felt like he couldn't do that with me he said, "I can't fake that." That has always stayed with me.