SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is a lot of drama about nothing, and you're getting very worked up over it.

Thank you. I know, I know... I think my reaction to this is a delayed reaction over realizing she almost certainly is pregnant.

The kids are with her until Monday. My six year old DD just texted me, "Daddy mommy isn't feeling good."

I have not responded and do not plan to unless the kids are in clear distress. Likely her boyfriend isn't around and she can't handle the kids and doesn't want to tell me to rescue her--but is letting DD know poor baby isn't feeling good in hopes that I will get them (as usual) without telling me herself.

Welcome to just a taste of the wonderful new life you've made for yourself. (Sorry if I am being spiteful, but I am very angry right now.)

Playing video games is not a reason for an affair. There is never a reason a affair is ok. However, how much do you play video games? Because it CAN be an issue.

The kids are with her until Monday. My six year old DD just texted me, "Daddy mommy isn't feeling good."

Document it. Do you have a notebook to jot down everything? I wish I had done this - kept every single note in one place.

It's shameless to put the children in the middle and use them as messengers.

Playing video games is not a reason for an affair. There is never a reason a affair is ok. However, how much do you play video games? Because it CAN be an issue.

I would agree with this. My husband was the one who cheated, but part of the decline in our marriage (which he blames on me) was because he was checked out. His video games (and football) were more important than anything else. It became a cycle because he would want to sit on his ass and play his games all night and have nothing to do with me and then come to bed and I was supposed to perform. $&{% that! Resentment is a mood/relationship killer. When we separated one of the first I did was get rid of that effin play station. Ripping it out of the back of our tv felt amazing!

Edited because I was projecting.

Editin again because I'm not supposed to edit. AD, video games were a major issue in my marriage (along with him being a narcissistic dick, but I digress), so I am sensitive to issues surrounding them. In my post prior to edit I was accusatory that I think it's wrong for your kids to be running the neighborhood at 9 and 6 while you play video games. I stand behind that. Your wife is a douche of epic proportions, obviously, but just because her douchery is trump, doesn't mean you should use that as a baseline for "good." If you're gaming while you're kids are gone or in bed, good for you. Enjoy your time and relax, I'm sure you could use it! If however you're doing it a lot while the kids are left to their own devices, you may want to consider whether that is the best use of your time.

Okay, shutting up now!

[This message edited by thenon-goddess at 9:38 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]

I see no problem with playing COD when you don't have the kids, or when they are in bed. It's your down time. You are allowed to do something for you. It's the same as reading a book, or cross-stitching, knitting, or building stuff in the garage. Only difference is that a spouse (almost ex) can't subpoena any records of how long you sat doing cross word puzzles, or other things.

You have stated often the kids have always been your focus, and that you have taken them to most events and appointments throughout your life. I know the kids were never running around in any danger while you play.

Just ignore her, and don't worry about this. The next thing she tries to subpoena? Tell your lawyer to tell them to stuff it if it's frivolous. She's lost her mind.

FYI, I think she's going to lie, lie, lie on the witness stand when it comes to the trial. My EX did it to such a degree that my mouth hung open. And he got away with it entirely. I'm told it's expected that people lie during a divorce trial. There is essentially NO penalty for lying in family court during a divorce trial.

I'm telling you this to prepare you emotionally. I had no idea that perjury means nothing in the family court system. It was very hard for me to accept because I try to be an honest person who lives a life of integrity. So, prepare yourself, brother. Your STBX is doing a lot of things mine did. You need to bring a shit-ton of evidence to the trial so that if she lies maybe your lawyer can rebut it immediately and affect the outcome more in your favor.

You need to bring a shit-ton of evidence to the trial so that if she lies maybe your lawyer can rebut it immediately and affect the outcome more in your favor.

I second this. I'm in the middle of Court AND a six-month child custody evaluation (initiated by me). The only thing you can do if they lie is to bring enough evidence as possible to discredit them. Hopefully if a judge sees that they clearly lied in one area, he/she will believe that they're lying across the board even if you can't always prove it.

And read the book Splitting if you haven't already!!!

The only thing you can do if they lie is to bring enough evidence as possible to discredit them. Hopefully if a judge sees that they clearly lied in one area, he/she will believe that they're lying across the board even if you can't always prove it.

^^^^^^^this was my XH. I second bringing all the proof you can to court. I had it ready when my attorney needed it. It was a CS modification trial.

When the judge handed his decision down (a couple of weeks after trial), XH sent a 2 line email " You won. The judge believed your lies!"

I wasn't the one lying. I was the one with proof of his lies.

No matter what happens , believe your truth.

Hugs,

K

"...part of the decline in our marriage (which he blames on me) was because he was checked out. His video games (and football) were more important than anything else."

This is what my STBX kept claiming as well (I'm not suggesting that you are simply "claiming it" and therefore it was not true in your case).

When our marriage was at its most strained, here was the scene: I had been home alone with both kids since 2:00. Both kids have Tourettes, which has many accompanying comorbidities. Bottom line, it was incredibly stressful. My STBX would arrive home very late, coming into a chaotic scene: overtired kids needing to be put to bed, and a husband who by that point had had it and would retire to the other room to play games for awhile--NOT excessively--just to decompress.

So she resented me for "fleeing" and I resented her for working such long hours and being so career-driven.

(Note: I implored her many times to quit her job or take a long break--a year or so--or look for another career and we could downsize our life.)

However: she never really communicated to me that she was so unhappy--only after and during the affair. The reason why I did not radically alter my behavior (i.e., curtail or cut out my gaming) was because in between these spats we got along wonderfully--intimate lovemaking, long talks, vacations, just normal nice family time.

I asked her at one time why she just didn't tell me: "Hey, I'm falling for another guy because I feel you've checked out." For if she had simply and bluntly communicated to me this shocking information I would have leapt into action immediately. Tossed that Xbox right out and began MC.

Instead she said lamely, "I always try to see the good in people." This was a weak rationalization, did not really answer my question, and did not excuse her ongoing infidelity--especially when it came to light and she saw how devastated I was and how our children were suffering.

The fact is SHE had checked out and lacked the courage to tell me that if things don't improve she would divorce me. Instead she chose to compartmentalize, live a secret life, and leave our family. Simply, she was happy eating cake.

When I did realize I was losing her (correction: I already lost her; I just didn't realize it at the time) I did make this among other changes--no more video games. More family time. But she said, "Yes, you have changed, and I love you so much for that, but I'm not ready yet to change."

Total self-serving cruel bullshit.

I hope this helps clarify. I never had any "addiction" to video games as she will allege, and I most certainly don't play when the kids want my attention and time.

Thank you for your thoughts and support.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 3:18 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

Your STBX said

Instead she said lamely, "I always try to see the good in people."

and then I

So never once prior to her having an affair did she ever tell you that she had an issue with your gaming?

Do you think you have any responsibility for the state of your marriage? Not the affair but the marriage?

I don't think it's ok for any parent or husband or wife to check out no matter what the reason, or the matter in which they choose to check out.

I honestly think depending on how much you are/were gaming you may need to be worried about the subpoena.

abbondad I felt like you did the whole time leading up to the final divorce hearing. What was gonna happen. Then, after the final D day, I realized my children had just lost me for a year because I was so stressed out that I was going to lose them!

If I had it to do again, I would have shut out the clatter from WH, and enjoyed every day with my children, since they are only young once!

Also, I have noticed since my D that the OW and my XWH always squawk when they don't want me looking at THEIR actions....like, when I told my XWH his woman is busy with other men while he is at work! Lord, you wouldn't believe the crap she pulled to get the focus off of herself.

hang in there, and enjoy your kids today!

So never once prior to her having an affair did she ever tell you that she had an issue with your gaming?

Yes, we did discuss it, and I curtailed it. But I also implored her to do her part, to come home earlier to help with the kids so we could avoid these stressful scenes. And she would not.

Do you think you have any responsibility for the state of your marriage? Not the affair but the marriage?

Of course I do. Did I suggest otherwise? As they say, I take 50% responsibility for any problems in the marriage. And again, it was largely a wonderful marriage, a happy family--as STBX and I often acknowledged. The previously-described weeknight scenes were the low-points. But even they were in the range of normal family strife.

Oh, and BTW, my STBX was CONSTANTLY texting (even before the affair), to the point where both I and the kids would repeatedly ask her to stop. For example, on Saturday mornings, when we would finally have some time together as a family, we would pile into the car, and immediately the texting and/or phoning would begin. So Hummingbird, she did her own checking out.

Finally, DS has complained to me on several occasions that when he is with his mom, she is always texting or on the phone. Maybe I should subpoena A T & T? ;-)

[This message edited by Abbondad at 5:14 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

I think my kids possibly being exposed to COD and zombies is just a little trumped by my son finding a picture of his mother's breasts texted to someone who isn't his daddy--while he was at his mother's home.

I don't think this is a "trump card" in divorce court. Just make sure if anyone plays this card, it's your lawyer ...and NOT you.

STBX left her car in my driveway until Thursday.

(She flew out of town and had an airport taxi meet her at my house this morning after she was late getting the kids to school. I was already at work so could not say anything.)

Apparently it is triggering me badly. Very depressed. Like a ghost in my driveway. Just when I thought I was over the worst of the "I miss my family's." Guess not...

Tow it.

Leave the keys in the ignition and a sign on it that says "Free Car!"

Tow it

Tow it

Tow it

Drive it several blocks away - park it in a store parking lot or wherever you can easily walk home from.... leave the keys in her locked car. Let her know where her car is via email. Then forget about it.

Since it is still her house too since there has been nothing established, having it towed or doing anything to it can look very bad on you.