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honesttoafault ( member #27105) posted at 4:00 PM on Saturday, December 7th, 2013
Thank you!! This is fantastic!
TheAgonyOfIt ( member #39114) posted at 1:32 AM on Monday, December 9th, 2013
nomadlady,
Wow. Thank you for this service of the heart to all BSs!
Not only should this be in the healing library but may I suggest you put in into an ebook "single" and price it at $2.99 +/-. Not only because it would be nice to be a published author, if you are not one already, but to share your perfectly clear and beautifully concise wisdom with the BSs who are not on SI.
Also, despite potential conflict of interest, send to American association of marriage counselors as a handout for all affair couples entering MC. 
Gosh, if my MC had laid it out like this, maybe I woulda been done that much soon.
Never ever easy, but this, helping, maybe making it easier.
[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 8:22 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]
Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Left home, job, whole life behind and difficult** adjusting. Dog injured and too much to handle. Supremely bummed out.
mchercheur ( member #37735) posted at 1:40 AM on Monday, December 9th, 2013
Please please please write one for the WSs too. Thanks
Me: BW; Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011 Married 35 years/Together 36 years/4 kids together, and 1 grandbaby; OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be
twokids ( member #23266) posted at 3:40 AM on Monday, December 9th, 2013
Fabulous post nomadlady. New BSs could profit nicely from your sage advice.
I would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had understood I couldn't fix the relationship. I see all too clearly how I set myself up for continued pain and sorrow by choosing to stay in the face of a WH ambivalent about R.
You lay out a very clear guide for objectively assessing the state of the marriage and the various options available to the BS.
Funny, looking back I see how my naive optimism and deep love for my WH only interfered with wise decision making. I hope struggling BSs take heed of your dispassionate guidance and make much better choices than I.
Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012
Sumrlady ( member #4355) posted at 7:53 AM on Monday, December 9th, 2013
Bumping - this does need to be pinned and posted in the Healing Library!
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover-Mark Twain
WarehouseGuy ( member #6037) posted at 11:43 AM on Monday, December 9th, 2013
Bravo!!
This does belong in the healing library--and pinned as well.
whg 
If you see your ex with someone else don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.
meplusfour ( member #38958) posted at 6:20 AM on Tuesday, December 17th, 2013
BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."
watersofavalon ( member #37984) posted at 12:23 PM on Tuesday, December 17th, 2013
Fix yourself, don't expect your WS to be able to fix you. All your WS can do is give you transparency and remorse so that you feel safe to heal. I was waiting for some single dramatic moment when H was going to say/do the one right thing to make me better - he isn't a magician, he couldn't do that. Once I accepted that it all became easy.
He did the damage to you but you have to heal from it yourself.
Me - BW 50
H - 53
T 32 years
M 21 years
3 children from 11 to 17.
EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.
Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?
I guess we are there now. Things are good, very good, but we ha
Dawn58 ( member #37656) posted at 1:54 PM on Tuesday, December 17th, 2013
Amazing post, wish I had read this when I was new to this site, it would have been so helpful!!!!
The point about never understanding why this happened, wow! I am coming to understand that I will never understand why this happened, but that question dogs me.
My STBX kicked me out of the house when I confronted him on the affair and said he wanted a divorce. He did not file, I did about 6 weeks later. My hand shook when I signed the papers, I so hoped that my marriage would survive.
My divorce is not final, still waiting on the mediation (he's hiding his money and not being forthcoming with documentation).
The part of the post regarding divorce - I believe it is both good and challenging. I am grateful every day that within my home, there is honesty and integrity. No more lies, no sneaking around, no WS acting like an nasty ass. And there is loneliness and a change of lifestyle. It has taken me a long time to get use to living by myself. I receive support from him, but since it was a short term marriage, will not last for very long. I finish school in June and have a long internship period.
All worth the price of freedom.
I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.
ExhaustedWhat2do ( new member #40947) posted at 3:57 PM on Tuesday, December 17th, 2013
Great Post. Something I really needed today. Thank you Thank you!
BS(Me) 42
WW 43
DD 9/27/13
Married 6 1/2yrs; together 8
Going through Divorce, heading toward freedom
Blobette ( member #36519) posted at 4:31 PM on Tuesday, December 17th, 2013
As a fellow researcher, I applaud you. Did you use NVivo for your content analysis? 
I've always wondered about how things get added to the healing library. I think that great NYT article about betrayal should be in there -- I actually sent it to our MC, who has been referencing it. Here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?ref=opinion
BS (me): 51
WS: 52
Married: 27 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R
mchercheur ( member #37735) posted at 3:36 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013
Me: BW; Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011 Married 35 years/Together 36 years/4 kids together, and 1 grandbaby; OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be
Lola88 ( member #41540) posted at 5:27 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013
Thanks for this well written and easy to follow post. The more I find on this site, the better I feel supported x
Getting to Happy ( member #35200) posted at 11:00 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2013
Bumped for Trudi42 and other BS's that are suffering from infidelity.
WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown
Pippy ( member #16482) posted at 10:30 PM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2014
I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
marlie2014 ( member #40981) posted at 1:17 AM on Friday, January 3rd, 2014
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild
DDay: 9/2/2013
DIVORCED AND FREE!!!!
lostandhopless ( member #41568) posted at 6:02 PM on Sunday, January 12th, 2014
I think this needs a bump
Be careful who you trust. Even your shadow will abandon you when it's dark.....
Divorced 6/13/14
hurtsobadinside ( member #35308) posted at 6:20 PM on Sunday, January 12th, 2014
lostandhopless
Thank you for the "bump"
this is one of the best post
i have seen
me: 59
her WW- 58
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 26 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spent 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful and she finally understands the true value and extent of the gift I gave her in both "R" and not telling anyone about her "A"
inthedark14 ( member #41924) posted at 8:21 PM on Sunday, January 12th, 2014
Nomadlady: this was an AMAZING post, so helpful so honest thank u!
WH: 39/BW:Me,32
Married 14 years in March, 2 Beautiful children 8 & 12
D-Day: Xmas Eve 2013-worst day of my life
"The most expensive thing in th world is TRUST, it takes years to earn and just a matter of seconds to lose"
Lola7 ( member #41195) posted at 10:46 PM on Sunday, January 26th, 2014
Bumping this for the people who haven't seen it. The best thread out there . . .
caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!
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